A young lady signed up on an Internet dating service. She got to the section of the application that asked “What exactly are you looking for?”

This was her description: “He needs to be good-looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home if I don’t go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.”

In a matter of moments, the results were returned to the woman: “Buy a television.”

One Liner
Old is always fifteen years older than I am.

Thought for the day
“Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.” (1 Corinthians 15:58 ESV)

Every time you skip your time with God, you get discouraged, and it’s even harder to get started again. You get discouraged and defeated. The most vicious attacks on your quiet time will come in the area of being consistent and diligent. Satan knows that if he can keep you out of the Word, he’s taken you out of the battle. He has basically removed your sword

It’s career day at school and the teacher instructs his students each to stand up, state their parents occupation, spell it and then tell what their parent would do if they were here today.

Little Rodney stands up and says, “My father is an accountant, A-C-C-O-U-N-T-A-N-T, and if he were here today, he would help you balance your checkbook”.

“Good Rodney.” says the teacher, “How about you, Johnny?'”

Johnny stands up and says, “My father is an electrician, E-L-E-K-T, no, no, E-L-E-C-K-T no ….L-E-C-K- no….

The teacher interrupts, “never mind Johnny, sit down, how about you Vinnie?”

Vinnie stands up and says, “My dad’s a bookie, that’s B-O-O-K-I-E, and if he were here today he’d give you ten-to-one odds that there’s no way Johnny’s ever gonna spell electrician!”

One Liner
Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

Thought for the day
“A rebel shouts in anger; a wise man holds his temper in and cools it.” (Proverbs 29:11 TLB)

When you’re angry, don’t respond impulsively. Delay is a great tool in controlling anger. I’m not saying delay indefinitely or even beyond a day; the Bible says don’t go to sleep when you’re angry. I’m talking about delaying it for five minutes.

Happy Mother’s Day

Your Mother is always with you.

She’s the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street.

She’s the smell of certain foods you remember, flowers you pick and perfume that she wore.

She’s the cool hand on your brow when you’re not feeling well.

She’s your breath in the air on a cold winter’s day.

She is the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of a rainbow. She is Christmas morning.

Your Mother lives inside your laughter.

She’s crystallized in every teardrop.

A mother shows every emotion…happiness, sadness, fear, jealousy, love, hate, anger, helplessness, excitement, joy, sorrow…and all the while hoping and praying you will only know the good feelings in life.

She’s the place you came from, your first home, and she’s the map you follow with every step you take.

She’s your first love; your first friend, even your first enemy, but nothing on earth can separate you. Not time, not space…not even death!

Author unknown

One Liner
On your birthday, send a thank you card to your mom.

Sam had been extremely nervous while his wife was giving birth to their first child. When the nurse came to the waiting room, he said, “Quick, tell me! Am I a mother or a father?!”

One Liner
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Thought for the day
“Give us this day our daily bread.” Matthew 6:7-9 (NCV)

Jesus didn’t say, “Give us this day our monthly bread” or “our weekly bread.” He said “daily bread” because we need to learn to depend on God twenty-four hours at a time.

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish horse-drawn carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was this hand printed sign: “Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”

One Liner
It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

Thought for the day
Instead, there must be a spiritual renewal of your thoughts and attitudes.” (Ephesians 4:23 NLT)

Change requires new thinking. As we’ve discussed, in order to change, we must learn the truth and start making good choices, but we also must change the way we think.

The minister advised Uncle Howard to give some thought to the “hereafter.” Uncle Howard told him that the hereafter was hardly ever out of his mind.

At least a dozen times a day he would go to do something, like going to the bathroom cabinet for his medicine, then say, “What on earth am I hereafter?!”

One Liner
“We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.” – Edith Lovejoy Pierce

Thought for the day
The Bible says in 1 Peter 4:10-11, “God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another” (NLT). When you use your abilities to help each other, God is glorified

I’m an obstetrics nurse at a large city hospital, where our patients are from many different countries and cultures.

One day while waiting for a new mother to be transferred to our division, I checked the chart and assumed that, because of her last name, she was of European descent. So when she was finally wheeled in, I was surprised to see that she was Asian.

As I was performing the exam, we chatted, and she told me that she was Chinese, and her husband’s ethnic heritage was Czech. After a short pause, she quipped, “I guess that makes my children Chinese Czechers!”

One Liner
“Age is an awfully high price to pay for maturity.”

Thought for the day
Let the Spirit change your way of thinking. Ephesians 4:23 (CEV)

Move ahead, doing the right thing in spite of your fears and feelings. This is how you cooperate with the Holy Spirit

“Bob, why don’t you play golf with John anymore?” asked a friend.

“Would you play golf with a guy who moved the ball with his foot when you weren’t watching?” Bob asked.

“Well, no,” admitted the friend.

“Neither will John,” replied Bob.

One Liner
“She had her face lifted, but it turned out there was one just like it underneath.”

Thought for the day
“And forgive us our sins as we also forgive those who have sinned against us.” Matthew 6:7-9 (NCV)

When I hurt you, that causes guilt. When you hurt me, I feel resentment. Those two things can be resolved with forgiveness