Biggest Lie

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”

One boy answers, “We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”

“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

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One particular four-year old prayed, “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

Thought for the day
“When Jesus came by, he looked up at Zacchaeus and called him by name! ‘Zacchaeus!’ he said” (Luke 19:5 TLB).

The name Zacchaeus means “pure one.” That’s the last thing that comes to mind when you think of a corrupt government official. He was anything but pure. And yet Jesus, calling Zacchaeus by name, was saying, “Hey, pure one, I’m coming to your house today.” Jesus was affirming what he saw in Zacchaeus, not what Zacchaeus was.

You may be afraid to get close to Jesus because you think he’s going to scold you for all the things you’ve done wrong. But Jesus wants to affirm you. He wants to let you know how much he loves you.

Toilet Repair

Because I couldn’t unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non- plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son.

I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn’t work much better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn’t working.

“Did you get the green one, too?” he asked.

One LINER
“My mind works like lightning; one brilliant flash and it is gone.”

Thought for the day
John 9:6
Having said this, he spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man’s eyes.

What faith the blind man acted on in his walk to Siloam to wash! All through the crowd with mud on his face!!

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

“You know” he said, “I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?”

The driver said, “No problem. Have at it.”

Billy gets into the driver’s seat and they head off down the highway.

A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.

The young trooper walked up to the driver’s door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.

He told the supervisor, “I know we are supposed to enforce the law…but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.”

The supervisor asked, “Is it the governor?”

The young trooper said, “No, he’s more important than that.”

The supervisor said, “Oh, so it’s the president.”

The young trooper said, “No, he’s even more important than that.”

The supervisor finally asked, “Well then, who is it?”

The young trooper said, “I think it’s Jesus, because he’s got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!”

One LINER
The real reason you can’t take it with you is that it goes before you do.

Thought for the day
John2:23
Now while he was in Jerusalem at the Passover Feast, many people saw the miraculous signs he was doing and believed in his name.

Jesus could see their thoughts and knew they were more attracted to His power than His mission, which was to reveal God and His salvation. Are you more attracted to His power or His mission?

“Restaurant Excitement”

I was having dinner at a nice restaurant the other night. The couple at the next table were smooching from the moment they sat down. Oh how romantic, young love!

But I couldn’t figure out what was going on at their table after the food came. Every time the young man would take a bite, he would jump up and give the girl such a big hug that she would squeal loudly! This bizarre behavior continued about 10 times – he took a bite, gave her a big hug, she squealed….very strange. Everyone was looking!!

When my waiter came by I mentioned the ‘entertainment’ and he said “Oh, we have that all the time in here. You see, that man ordered the Seize Her Salad.”

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Caller to computer help line: “I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?”

Thought for the day
John1:38-39 NLT
Jesus looked around and saw them following. “What do you want?” he asked them.
  They replied, “Rabbi” (which means “Teacher”), “where are you staying?”
  “Come and see,”

One of life’s BIG questions – “What do you want? Come and see” ….. are we inviting people to Jesus daily?

A story is told in which an accountant answered an advertisement for a top job with a large firm. At the end of the interview, the chairman asked, “One last question—what is three times seven?”
The accountant thought for a moment and replied, “Twenty-two.” Outside he checked himself on his calculator and concluded he had lost the job. But two weeks later he was offered the post. He asked the chairman why he had been appointed when he had given the wrong answer. “You were the closest,” the chairman replied.

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The Golfer’s Diet: Live on greens as much as possible.

Thought for the day
John 8:34
Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

Jesus in person and in action was the Truth!

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa’s room.

“Grandpa, Grandpa!” he says excitedly, “As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!”

“What?” said his grandpa.

“Make a noise like a frog because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re going to Disneyland!!!”

One LINER
Always stay in with the outs.

Thought for the day
John 3:30
He must become greater; I must become less.

Your servant’s heart will reveal your maturity.

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.”One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. “Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.”

The man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.” When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me…”

The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord.” Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.”

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

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Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?

Thought for the day
John 4:23
Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks.

Worship isn’t a performance, it is an offering to God and must be done in that which is hidden, the spirit and be done in that which is hidden, the spirit.