A father in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, makes a turn at a red light where it isn’t allowed.

“Uh oh, I just made an illegal turn!” the man says.

“That’s okay, Dad,” the son says. “The police car right behind us did the same thing.”

One LINER
I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

Thought for the day
Acts 9:10-13
In Damascus there was a disciple named Ananias…..The Lord told him, “Go…”In a vision he has seen a man named Ananias come and place his hands on him to restore his sight.”  “Lord,” Ananias answered, “I have heard many reports about this man and all the harm he has done to your saints in Jerusalem.

“I have heard many reports” causes us to listen to the people around us instead of God who clearly speaks and says, “Go..”  Let us listen to the voice of God today!

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud during the service.

Finally, his big sister had enough.

“You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.”

“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked indignantly.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers!”

One LINER
Don’t spend four dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.

Thought for the day   
“Make the most of every chance you get” (Ephesians 5:16 MSG).

The best time to manage your time is right now – not tomorrow, not next week, not next year. Now!

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

“What for?!” he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, “Twenty dollars for contempt of court. That’s why!”

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. “That’s all right. You don’t have to pay now”

The young man replied, “I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words.”

One LINER
Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Thought for the day   
Galatians 5:22-23
The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Holy fruit!!  Say them out loud and ask the Lord to make it true in you: LOVE, JOY, PEACE, PATIENCE, KINDNESS, GOODNESS, FAITHFULNESS, GENTLENESS, SELF-CONTROL 

Government Farm Visit

A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer; “I need to inspect your farm.”

The old farmer said, “You better not go in that field.”

The Agriculture representative said in a “wise” tone, “I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card, I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land.”

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, the farmer  heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture man running for the fence; close behind was the farmer’s prize bull. The bull was  madder than a nest full of hornets, and the bull was gaining at every step.

“Help,” the rep shouted to the farmer, “what should I do?” he screamed helplessly.

The old farmer, hooking his thumbs in his overalls, called out: “Show him your card!”

One LINER
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Thought for the day
Ecclesiastes 11:5  As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.

I don’t know. I don’t know! That has to be one of the hardest phrases for us to use. But when thinking about God and his ways, that’s really all we can say. We know about God only what he in his grace has chosen to reveal to us. He is the Mystery of mysteries. He is the supreme knowable Unknown.  Yet what we do know of him, what he has revealed to us in Jesus, is not only mighty and awesome, but loving and merciful.

Letter from the Tooth Fairy
at The Tooth Fairy Managed Health Care Company, Inc.

Dear Sammy:
Thank you for leaving one [1] tooth under your pillow last night.

While we make every attempt to remit prompt payment, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s):
( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails
( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the Tooth Fairy
( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit
( ) no night light was on at the time of our visit
( ) the snacks provided for the Tooth Fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
( ) other _______________________________________________

Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future.

Sincerely,

“The Tooth Fairy”
The Tooth Fairy Managed Health Care Company, Inc.

One LINER
~ Join the AAAAAA! (American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous)

Thought for the day
“A good man thinks before he speaks” (Proverbs 15:28 LB). “The wise man looks ahead. The fool attempts to fool himself and won’t face facts” (Proverbs 14:8 LB).

Too often, many of our problems arise from acting before thinking.

An older man was driving down the freeway when his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s some idiot driving a car the wrong way on Highway 280. Please be careful!”

“Hazel!” said Herman, “It’s not just one car! There’s hundreds of them!”

One LINER
Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?

Thought for the day
“Now your attitudes and thoughts must all be constantly changing for the better (Ephesians 4:23 LB).

To succeed, you must do more than cope with change, you must capitalize on it! Every change is an opportunity in disguise. Since you can’t stop change, you must learn to take advantage of it.

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate.

The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.

“Did you get hit by the same person?” his captain asked.
“No,” he replied. “I stepped on the same rake.”

One LINER
~ If a person can be discombobulated, can they be combobulated?

Thought for the day
“Each of us finds our meaning and function as a part of his body” (Romans 12:5 MSG).

You are going to give your life for something. What will it be—a career, a sport, a hobby, fame, wealth? None of these will have lasting significance. Service is the pathway to real significance. It is through ministry that we discover the meaning of our lives.

A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked, “What’s the problem, Carol? I hope it’s not homework again.”

“Well, uh, yes, it is.” replied Carol. “I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane.”

“Carol, you’re right, that wasn’t a very bright thing to do,” said the teacher, “but this once I’ll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in.”

“Oh, but that won’t work,” said Carol, looking even sadder. “You see, the plane was hijacked.”

One LINER
~ Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?

Thought for the day
“Each of us finds our meaning and function as a part of his body” (Romans 12:5 MSG).

You are going to give your life for something. What will it be—a career, a sport, a hobby, fame, wealth? None of these will have lasting significance. Service is the pathway to real significance. It is through ministry that we discover the meaning of our lives.