Monthly Archives: November 2015

Humor – November 30

YOU KNOW YOU’VE HAD TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN…

~ You can type sixty words a minute…with your feet.

~ Instant coffee takes too long.

~ You chew on other people’s fingernails.

~ You answer the door…before people knock.

~ You sleep with your eyes open.

~ You go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

~ You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.

~ You’re the employee of the month at Starbucks and you don’t even work there.

~ You lick your coffeepot clean.

~ You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

~ You’re so wired you pick up FM radio.

~ You have a picture of your coffee mug, on your coffee mug!

One Liner
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

Thought for the day
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV)

You may be facing a dead end right now — financial, emotional, or relational — but if you will trust God and keep on moving in faith, even when you don’t see a way, he will make a way.

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Humor – November 27

How to tell if you’re celebrating a Redneck Thanksgiving

If…
– You’ve ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
– Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
– You’ve ever re-used a paper plate.
– You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say ‘Cool Whip’ on the side.
– You’ve ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
– Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.
– Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
– Your stuffing secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
– Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.
– Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
– You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.
– The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”.
– You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
– You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
– Your secret family recipe is illegal.
– You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.

One Liner
“The difference between chickens and turkeys is that chicken’s celebrate Thanksgiving!!”

Thought for the day
Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!” Matthew 25:21 (NIV)

The point of living your life to the fullest in every aspect is not to increase your reputation; it’s to make your life count for God

My “Top Ten” Unconventional Gratitude List

 

  1. Spoons: I love cereal — and thus need a spoon. My favorite cereal growing up was Frosted Flakes (very unhealthy). Now I enjoy my bowl of Gluten Free Rice Chex with Unsweetened Almond Milk nightly.
  1. Soap: Washing both body and clothing is an essential part of good hygiene and health. There is no greater feeling than being clean!
  1. Toilet paper: enough said!
  1. Color: A world without color would be boring! It’s powerful and pleasing. Yet I prefer “white” literally a “color without hue”.
  1. Deodorant and perfume: Life is simply better when we see our friends coming long before smelling them!
  1. Gloves: I have gloves and more gloves! Some gloves cover my entire hand (ranging from yard work to winter weather), while one pair I wear is fingerless (for cycling). But I don’t do mittens!    
  1. Amazon.com: My favorite online shopping retailer. I have ordered everything imaginable (e-books, movies, electronics, apparel …. and even a lawnmower!).
  1. Apple: Who knew “an apple a day … ” meant an iPhone, iPad, Mac and an Apple watch. I’m not sure it keeps the doctor away but it surely makes life fun!    
  1. Laughter: He who laughs, lasts! It cures heavy hearts and tired minds and sick bodies. It is contagious and happiness inducing. I recommend it. Lots of it!!
  1. You: Grateful for all those who visit my blog!! Hopefully you leave injected with hope and humor for your day. “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” Proverbs 17:22

 

Humor – November 25

THANKSGIVING FORECAST

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

One Liner
Asked to write a composition entitled, “What I’m thankful for on Thanksgiving,” little Johnny wrote, “I’m thankful that I’m not a turkey.”

Thought for the day
“God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say ‘THANK YOU?'” – William A. Ward