Monthly Archives: August 2017

Humor – August 31

DOG BREEDING MADE ABSURD

~ Pointer + Setter = Pointsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

~ Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

~ Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

~ Pekinese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

~ Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

~ Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

~ Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

~ Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

~ Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabrador, a dog that barks incessantly

~ Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by… oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway

~ Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work

~ Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end

One Liner
Anyone who thinks talk is cheap never argued with a traffic cop.

Thought for the day
There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from his. Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest. Hebrews 4:9–11

Most of us think of the Sabbath as a day of rest, originating from the day of rest God took after he created the universe, as recorded in Genesis. That view is correct; it’s the reason we should take a Sabbath, a day of rest, each week.

Yet the Sabbath has a larger sense: an invitation to rest in God’s healing grace, trusting in his power and his purpose for your life. We rest in our Father’s arms, knowing he goes before and behind, knowing that his plans for us are good and not evil

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Humor – August 30

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, “When I grow up, I’m going to give you some money.”

“Well, thank you,” the pastor replied, “but why?”

“Because my daddy says you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had”, the child quipped. After the church service a little boy told the pastor, “When I grow up, I’m going to give you some money.”

“Well, thank you,” the pastor replied, “but why?”

“Because my daddy says you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had”, the child quipped

One Liner
The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate.

Thought for the day
“I showed what You are like to those You gave Me from the world. They belonged to You, and You gave them to Me” John 17:6

The world is full of sons and daughters who desperately need a father who is a spiritual leader. Is it possible your kids are among them? You can become a spiritual leader to your children by developing the characteristics that we see in Jesus as He taught His disciples

Humor – August 29

NEW MEDICAL LEAVE & RELATED POLICIES

SICKNESS: We will no longer accept doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, then you are able to go to work.

OPERATIONS: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all that you have. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you as you are. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

DEATH OF OTHERS: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave

1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. This exchange must be approved by both employees’ supervisors.

One Liner
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

Thought for the day
For I’m already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. 2 Timothy 4:6-7 (NIV)

The fact is – life is a series of transitions. We’re born; we grow up; we go to school; we graduate; we get jobs; we change jobs; we retire; we die.

Transitions in life can be a lonely time. We can even be lonely in a crowd; it doesn’t make any difference how many people are surrounding us. It’s our relationship with those people that makes a difference.

Humor – August 28

A woman went to a walk-in clinic, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another exam room.

The doctor marched down the hallway back to where the first doctor was and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?!”

The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up, asked, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

One Liner
A gross ignoramus: 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

Thought for the day
For no one can ever be made right in God’s sight by doing what his law commands. For the more we know God’s law, the clearer it becomes that we aren’t obeying it. But now God has shown us a different way of being right in his sight—not by obeying the law but by the way promised in the Scriptures long ago.” Romans 3:20-21

In his own geek-Greek way, Paul is saying we should forget the balance sheet – ignore the scoreboard, give up on tracking good and bad statistics. Listen, there is good news! There’s another way to get right in God’s sight, and it has nothing to do with your own achievements. It’s based on a promise made by God long ago – a promise is fulfilled through Jesus Christ.

Humor – August 25

Trying to come to the aid of his Father, who was stopped by an officer for speeding, the lil’ tyke piped up:

“Yeah?  Well, if we were speeding, so were you!”

One Liner
Take everything in moderation, including moderation.

Thought for the day
“Then Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, spoke up. ‘There’s a young boy here with five barley loaves and two fish. But what good is that with this huge crowd?'” (John 6:8-9 NLT).

Whenever you have a need, acknowledge your faith by planting a seed. In other words, take your focus off your need and look at ways you can provide for the needs of others, planting a seed in their lives.

You can see this principle imbedded in our blood. When you give away blood, you get more blood. You don’t end up with less blood; you end up with as much blood or more than you had before.

God often works through this harvest principle: when you have a need, you give; and what you give away, God replenishes. Faith is like a seed, so it has to be planted, or deposited.