Monthly Archives: May 2017

Humor – May 31

Several women in the church prayer group were visiting an elderly friend who was ill. After awhile, they rose to leave and told her; “We’ll do what we can to help.  We promise to keep you in our prayers.”

“Just do something more useful like wash the dishes in the kitchen,” the ailing woman said, “I can do my own praying.”

One Liner
I like long walks, especially when taken by people who annoy me.

Thought for the day
“It is not good for the man to be alone” Genesis 2:18

God hates loneliness, and community is God’s answer to loneliness. When we walk alongside other people, we find a community where we learn how to love.

Humor – May 30

A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, “Okay, Ma. Guess which one I’m going to marry.”

She immediately replies, “The red-head in the middle.”

Stunned, the young man says, “That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?”

“I don’t like her,” she says.

One Liner
The second mouse gets the cheese.

Thought for the day
“… two people are better than one, because they get more done by working together”  Ecclesiastes 4:9

When you work as a team, you get so much more done.

Humor – May 29

Two guys were working for city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, “I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don’t get it — why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick.”

One Liner
Someday we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Thought for the day
“An intelligent person aims at wise action, but a fool starts off in many directions” Proverbs 17:24

To achieve your dreams in life, you’ll need to decide what really matters and what will last in your life and focus on that.

Humor – May 26

A minister with a large family of seven children moved to a new city. He and his wife didn’t want to buy a home immediately.  They wanted to rent a townhouse until they could get a feel for the area and choose a home where their kids would be in good schools and they could be conveniently located.

They found plenty of rental townhouses that were large enough, but the landlords always objected to having  a family of nine occupy the place.

In frustration, one day the father asked the mother to take the four youngest children and go visit the local cemetery.  She was puzzled by his request, but went along.  He and the other three children headed off to investigate another townhouse they had found.

The place was perfect and the father told the landlord he would take it. Then came the usual question, “I see you have children. How many are there in the family?”

The minister gave out with a deep sigh, then said, “Seven … but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery.”

He got the townhouse.

One Liner
There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.

Thought for the day
“No mercy will be shown to those who show no mercy to others” (James 2:13a GW).

We need God’s forgiveness, kindness, patience, and help every day of my life. God says you get what you give. Forgiveness and mercy are a two-way street.

Humor – May 25

Tour Guides: What They’re REALLY Saying
Old world charm ………….. No bath
Tropical …………………….. Rainy
Majestic setting ………….. A long way from town
Options galore ……………. Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway ……… Impossible to find or get to
Pre-registered rooms …… Already occupied
Explore on your own ……. Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hosts ..They’ve flown in an airplane before
No extra fees ……………… No extras
Nominal fee ……………….. Outrageous charge
Standard …………………… Sub-standard
Deluxe ……………………… Standard
Superior ……………………. One free shower cap
All the amenities …………. Two free shower caps
Plush ……………………….. Top and bottom sheets
Gentle breezes …………… Occasional Gale-force winds
Light and airy …………….. No air conditioning
Picturesque ………………. Theme park nearby

One Liner
“Don’t tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don’t tell them where they know the fish.”

~ Mark Twain

Thought for the day
“Do not look out only for yourselves. Look out for the good of others also” 1 Corinthians 10:24 

Be sensitive and to see people’s needs up close, you have to slow down. Slow down long enough to look people in the eye. Give somebody your undivided attention. Stop to talk to the person and really listen.

Humor – May 24

Swimming Friends

Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.

Saul the banker says to Morty, “So listen, Morty, you know I don’t swim so well.”

Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty begins tugging Saul toward shore.

After twenty minutes, he begins to tire.

Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, “So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?”

Saul replies, “Morty, this is a heck of a time to be asking for money!”

One Liner
“Doc, I can hear all kinds of animals talk in my head.”

“Well, don’t worry,” said the doctor. “You’re just having Disney spells.”

Thought for the day
“When [the Samaritan] saw the man, he felt compassion for him” Luke 10:33b

Mercy always begins in the eyes. You have to see the need before you can meet the need. You can’t care until you are aware.

Humor – May 23

In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens — he declares that he’s been saved by divine intervention– so he’s let go .

The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn’t release the blade, he claims he can’t be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.

They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, “Wait a minute, I see your problem…”

One Liner
To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.

Thought for the day
“Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me” Psalms 23:4

When we understand God’s grace and mercy, then we have no need to fear the future.

Humor – May 22

“Cinnamon Rolls”

At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for my husband to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.

After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, “If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?”

Without looking up from his paper my husband replied, “About 10 years.”

It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.  
— Mark Twain

Thought for the day
Ecclesiastes 11:8 says, “People ought to enjoy every day of their lives, no matter how long they live” (NCV).

Whatever living you’re going to do, you better do it now.