There once was this guy that got a dirty old lamp for his birthday. He cleaned it up and POOF!–out popped a genie!

“I shall give you three wishes. You may have anything you like.”

So the guys thinks for a minute and says, “I would like a billion dollars.”

“You shall have it,” and the genie grants him the wish. “Anything else?”

The guy thinks for a while. Then, “I would like a VW Bug with A/C, convertible, power locks, power windows, satellite radio, you know the works.”

“Your wish is my command. What is your last wish?”

“Hmmm. I think I’ll save it for a rainy day.”

“Okay, suit yourself,” says the genie.

So the guy gets in his new VW and goes for a drive to show all his friends. He turns on the radio. There’s a very familiar commercial on. The guy starts singing to it: “I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.”

One Liner
Being vague is just as bad as that other thing.

Thought for the day
Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. 2 Corinthians 9:6 (NIV)

No farmer considers sowing seeds an expense. He sees it as an investment.

NEW MEDICINES APPROVED BY THE FDA

Histalavista: Say bye-bye to those allergies.

Milk of Amnesia: Infant formula to help babies forget birth trauma.

Non-Interferon: Black market drug often slipped to unsuspecting in-laws.

Testsoteroni: A hormonal supplement eaten as pasta.

Aesthetominophen: You don’t feel any better, but you look fabulous.

Elmer’s Aspirin: Half aspirin and half glue, for those splitting headaches.

Preparation H with Aspirin: Offers relief from people who are a pain in the posterior.

One Liner
My mind is like lightning. One bright flash and it’s gone.

Thought for the day
“Everything . . . connected with that old way of life has to go. It’s rotten through and through. Get rid of it!” (Ephesians 4:22 MSG).

We must let go of old ways of acting

As you are receiving my note by e-mail, it’s wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the

screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

One LINER
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Thought for the day
“According to your faith let it be done to you” Matthew 9:29b

Every time you set a goal, you are saying, “I believe God wants me to do this by ‘such and such’ a date,” and that is a statement of faith.

MURPHY’S LAWS OF PARENTING

– The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.

– The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.

– The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.

– A sure way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.

– For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

– Toys multiply to fill any space available.

– Yours is always the only child who doesn’t behave.

– If the shoe fits … it’s expensive.

– Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

One Liner
The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn’t getting enough sleep.

Thought for the day
Be humble and give more honor to others than to yourselves Philippians 2:3b

Pride destroys relationships. It shows up in a lot of different ways, like criticism, competition, stubbornness, and superficiality.

A surgeon goes to return some books he borrowed from the library… The librarian quips after checking the books…

“Sir your books are always returned with the last page missing in every single book…”

The surgeon replies, “I can’t stop myself from removing an appendix when ever I see one.”

One Liner
“When the wheel was invented it caused a revolution.”

Thought for the day
The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others — ignoring God! — harvests a crop of weeds. All he’ll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God’s Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life Galatians 6:7-8

Selfishness destroys relationships. It is the number one cause of conflict, arguments, divorce, and even war.

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.

“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “It’s a bet! Let’s see what you got.”

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”

One Liner
Life is like photography…we use the negatives to develop.

Thought for the day
We must bear the ‘burden’ of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others Romans 15:2

Listening with empathy means you listen without interruption and you listen for fears and feelings. You listen for what they aren’t saying. You’re not trying to fix the situation. Sometimes healing comes just by listening!

An eye roller:

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.

“I’m about to close,” the surgeon says.

The patient grabs the surgeon’s hand and says, “I’m not going to let you do that! I’ll close my own incision!”

The doctor hands him the thread and says, “Suture self”.

One Liner
Dear IRS:  I’m sending you this money because I cheated on my income tax and my conscience has been bothering me. If it doesn’t stop, I’ll send you the rest.

Thought for the day
No one who gossips can be trusted … but you can put confidence in someone who is trustworthy Proverbs 11:13

Trust in a relationship is what makes the difference between an acquaintance and a friend. You talk to acquaintances, but you trust your friends.

The judge warned the witness, “Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?”

“I do.”

“Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?”

“Sure,” said the witness. “My side will win.”

One Liner
Bread is square. Why is sandwich meat round?

Thought for the day
“Every time I think of you, I give thanks to my God” Philippians 1:3

Study after study has linked gratitude to happiness. Psychologists and sociologists have proven that the more grateful you are, the happier you are.