Monthly Archives: November 2018

Humor – November 30


– Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 
– We know stuff about tanks. 
– A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. 
– We can open our own jars. 
– We don’t have to learn to spell a new last name. 
– We get extra credit for the slightest of thoughtfulness. 
– Wedding plans take care of themselves. 
– One who forgets to invite you to something can still be our friend. 
– Our underwear is $10 for a three-pack. 
– If you’re 34 and single, nobody notices. 
– Everything on our face stays the same color. 
– We can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat. 
– Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. 
– We don’t have to clean the apartment if the meter reader comes. 
– Car mechanics tell us the truth. 
– We can quietly watch a ball game with a buddy for hours without ever thinking: “He must be mad at me.” 
– Wedding dress – $2000. Tuxedo rental – $80. 
– We can drop by a friend without having to bring a little gift. 
– If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, we just might become lifelong friends. 
– Our friends can be trusted to never trap us with: “So, do you notice anything different?” 
– We are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. 
– We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes. 
– The same hairstyle will last for years, maybe decades. 
– We don’t have to shave below our neck. 
– Our belly usually hides our big hips. 
– We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. 
– Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes. 


One Liner
There are only 10 types of people in the world: those that understand binary and those that don’t.

Thought for the day

“Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior” (Habakkuk 3:17-18 NIV).

Gratitude develops your faith when times are tough — when things don’t make sense, when you can’t figure it out, when your prayers are unanswered, when life stinks, when everything is going the way you didn’t want it to go.


Humor – November 29

One Sunday morning at a small southern church, the new pastor called on one of his older deacons to lead in the opening prayer.

The deacon stood up, bowed his head and said, “Lord, I hate buttermilk.”

The pastor opened one eye and wondered where this was going.

The deacon continued, “Lord, I hate lard.”

Now the pastor was totally perplexed.

The deacon continued, “Lord, I ain’t too crazy about plain flour. But after you mix ’em all together and bake ’em in a hot oven, I just love biscuits.”

He paused, “Lord help us to realize when life gets hard, when things come up that we don’t like, whenever we don’t understand what You are doing, that we need to wait and see what You are making.
After you get through mixing and baking, it’ll probably be something even better than biscuits.” Amen.

One Liner
Happiness comes through doors you didn’t even know you left open.

Thought for the day
“Rest in the Lord; wait patiently for him to act. . . . Don’t fret and worry — it only leads to harm” (Psalm 37:7-8 TLB).

Resting can be an act of faith. It means you’re waiting on God.

Humor – November 28


1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You email the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have email addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic, and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 🙂
12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.

One Liner
If you think you know something, find someone who disagrees and listen to them.

Thought for the day
“God can do much, much more than anything we can ask or imagine” (Ephesians 3:20 NCV).

When we want God to answer our prayers, we must be willing to not only let God answer whenever he thinks is best but also however he thinks is best. God’s ways are always better and bigger and higher.


Humor – November 27

Dear Abby,
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?

Dear Sam,
Yes. Run for public office.

One Liner
Every baseball team could use a man who plays every position perfectly, never strikes out and never makes an error. The trouble is, there’s no way to make him lay down his hot dog and come down out of the stands.

Thought for the day
“It is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose” (Philippians 2:13 NIV).

When we want God’s direction for our lives, we should get our desires out of the way so that we can honestly say, “God, I’m willing to go either way — whatever you want is what I want.”

Humor – November 26

Football is a dangerous sport and players can be hurt while playing. That happened to a friend of mine in a college game who was hit pretty hard on one play.

The doctor came onto the field while we all stood around him, waiting to learn how badly he was hurt. In order to do that the doctor asked my friend a few questions as he lay on the field.

“What’s three plus three?” the doctor asked him.

“Seven,” my friend said.

“What’s the capital of the United States?”


“Which state is farther east, California or Florida?”


At this point, the doctor thought that my friend was confused and probably had suffered a brain concussion so he told the coach to take him out of the game.

But I quickly spoke up. “Don’t do that, Doc. Let him play. He’s alright. He didn’t know that stuff even before he was hit.”

One Liner
“Hocus Pocus” doesn’t work anymore; I think they changed the password.

Thought for the day
Radical gratitude looks like this: “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:18 NIV).

Humor – November 23


When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know;
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of….. Black November;
“Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you’ll get six meals instead of just three.
“And soon you’ll be thick, where once you were thin,
and you’ll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;
“And then one morning, when you’re warm in your bed,
In’ll burst the farmer’s wife, and hack off your head;
“Then she’ll pluck out all your feathers so you’re bald ‘n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin’ in the sink;
“And then comes the worst part” he said not bluffing,
“She’ll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing.”
Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,
And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I’d have to lay low and remain overlooked;
I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola;
And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;
But ’twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;
And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;
So now I’m a pet in the farmer’s wife’s lap;
I haven’t a worry, so I eat and I nap;
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said “Christmas is coming…”

One Liner
What did the turkey say to the computer?
Google, google, google

Thought for the day
“Jesus [said] … ‘I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of’” John 10:10

Jesus did not come to make life perfect for us. Rather, he came to give us a life connected to him, so that no matter what situation we face, we are eternally attached to the source of true life.

Humor – November 21


‘Twas the night of Thanksgiving,
But I just couldn’t sleep.
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep
The leftovers beckoned
The dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,
The thought of a snack became infatuation!
So I raced to the kitchen,
Flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground!!

I crashed through the ceiling, floated into the sky With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie,
But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees …


One Liner
If I was a turkey, I’d be doing everything I could to taste terrible right now.

Thought for the day
“Whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours” Mark 11:24

God’s timing is perfect. We may think he’s late, but he’s never late. God’s delays are not God’s denials. “Not yet” does not mean “no.”