“Excuse me,” a young fellow said to an older man, “I’ve just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers?”

“Well,” replied the older man, “I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet.”

One Liner
The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it. 

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. 

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally. 

“What’s in the bag?” asked the old woman. 

Sally looked down at the bag and, smiling, said, “It’s a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband.” 

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: “Good trade.”

One Liner
Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

A local doctor cares for a family who owns a funeral home.  

When the father came in for a visit, the doctor greeted him, “It’s good to see you.”

His reply, “It’s better to be seen than to be viewed.”

One Liner
Life is like a roll of toilet paper, the closer to the end you get, the faster it goes.

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour, the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark, cob-web filled, rooms and passages.

“Don’t worry,” says the guide. “I’ve never seen a ghost all the time I’ve been here.”

“How long is that?” asks the girl.

“About three hundred years.”

One Liner
A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.

Father: What you want to be in your life? 

Son: A Doctor.

Father: What skills do you have of a doctor? 

Son: Doctor’s handwriting.

One Liner
A good speech needs a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut. 

He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber
replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.

One Liner
Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

Father O’Shea, the parish priest in the village, was giving a sermon about charity. He said, “The trouble with the world today is that some people have too much and others have too little. We must give of ourselves and our worldly goods to help the less fortunate.” 

He said to Paddy, “If you had ten thousand pounds, wouldn’t you give half of it to the poor?” 

He said, “I would that, Father.” 

The priest said, “If you had two greyhounds, wouldn’t you give one of them to your neighbour next door?” 

Paddy said, “No.” 

The priest said, “And why not?” 

He said, “I have two greyhounds.” 

One Liner
Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future
holds. 

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, “You are going to meet a beautiful
young girl who will want to know everything about you.” 

The frog is thrilled, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?” he
croaks. 

“No,” says the psychic, “in biology class.”

One Liner
When a telemarketer calls and asks, “How are you today?” I say, “How long
you got?” That usually brings an end to his spiel.