“Doctor, it’s been a month since my last visit, and I still feel miserable.”

“Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?”

“I sure did. The bottle said ‘Keep tightly closed’.”

One Liner

The Five Symptoms of Laziness: 1. 

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

“I’m sorry sir,” the first trooper told the driver, “but I am still going to have to write you a ticket.”

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, “Tacks evasion.”

One Liner

When I was a kid, I wanted to be older
this is not what I expected.

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain
basics. “How much do you weigh?” she asked.

“135,” I said. The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked, “Your height?”

“5 foot 4,” I said.

The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5 foot 2 inches. She then took
my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.

“Of course it’s high!” I screamed. “When I came in here I was tall and
slender! Now I’m short and fat!”

One Liner

“If you must curse, use your own name.” God

A local lumberyard was having an open house, and my mother really wanted to go. Dad, though, had no interest.

After badgering him with no luck, she finally said, “If you don’t go, I’ll be the only woman there.”

Dad shrugged. “If I go, you’ll still be the only woman there.”

One Liner

Archeologists just announced that they found a mass grave of snowmen. Turned out just to be a field of carrots.

07Seeing a homeless guy begging on the street, a woman took pity on him and gave him a handful of change.

“Thank you,” said the homeless man. “Your generosity is much appreciated. You know my life used to be great, but just look at the state of me now.”

“How do you mean?” asked the woman. 

“Well,” he explained. “I was a multi-millionaire. I had bank accounts all over the world with hundreds of thousands of dollars deposited in each.”

“So where did it all go wrong?” she asked. 

The homeless man sighed, “I forgot my mother’s maiden name.”

One Liner

Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go around Earth 24/7. So, they decided to call it a day.

When my now 14-year-old daughter was 3 and her younger brother was getting into everything, she asked, “Mommy, can we put him back, now?” 

Deciding to take this opportunity as a teaching moment in how siblings should treat each other, I explained to her that we could not put him back – that her brother was a gift from God.  

She looked up at me with her big blue eyes and responded, “I understand, Mommy. God didn’t want him either.”

One Liner

Anyone remember the good ol’ day, before Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter? When you had to take a photo of your dinner, then get the film developed, then go around to all your friends’ houses to show them the picture of your dinner. No? Me either.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog playing poker. The guy is amazed that the dog is playing poker.

“Bartender, is that a real dog playing poker?” the guy asks.

“Yep, real as can be.” the bartender replies.

“Well is he any good?” the guy asks. 

“Na, every time he has a good hand he wags his tail.”

One Liner

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”