A motorist was about two hours from San Diego when he was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”                  

“Sure am,” answered the man, “Do you need a lift?” 

“Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.” 

“I’d be happy to,” said the motorist. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the man’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went. 

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the motorist walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the big crowd. 

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the man. “What are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!” 

“Yes, I know you did,” said the man. “But we had money left over so now we’re going to Sea World.”

One Liner
If a woman’s work is never done, why bother?

TOP TEN PICKUP LINES USED BY ADAM

10. “You know you’re the only one for me!” 
9. “Do you come here often?” 
8. “Trust me, this was meant to be!” 
7. “Look around, baby. All the other guys around here are animals!” 
6. “I already feel like you’re a part of me!” 
5. “Honey, you were made for me!” 
4. “Why don’t you come over to my place and we can name some animals?” 
3. “You’re the girl of my dreams!” (Gen. 2:21) 2. “I like a girl who doesn’t mind being ribbed!” 

And the number one pick up line from Adam is: 
“You’re the apple of my eye!” *

* I realize that the Bible says that Adam and Eve ate of the “fruit”, not “apple,” but gee guys, apple is funnier!

One Liner
Myrrh:  A type of perfume or incense; the second gift of the Magi; a great scrabble word when you are out of vowels.

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. 

Trying to be diplomatic, Mom said, “Dear, he just doesn’t seem like the all-American boy you’ve dated before. He’s not really that nice.” 

“Oh come on, Mom,” replied the daughter. “If he wasn’t that nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?” 

One Liner
I ate a salad for lunch today! Well, mostly croutons and tomatoes. Actually one big round crouton and tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE! It was a pizza. I ate a pizza for lunch!

College meals are generally unpopular with those who have to eat them, and sometimes with good reason. 

“What kind of pie do you call this?” asked one student indignantly to the cafeteria attendent.

“What’s it taste like?” asked the cook.

“Glue!”

“Then it’s apple pie. The plum pie tastes like soap.”

One Liner
How to prepare Tofu: 
1. Throw it in the trash
2. Grill some meat

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. “Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?”

“No,” her mother replied.

“Well, I think I have to throw up!”

“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.” After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.

“Did you throw up?” Mom asked.

“Yes.”

“How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?”

“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, ‘For the Sick.’

One Liner
Okay, so I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. 

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head, and said, “You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll shoot you.” But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish. 

The Ranger asked a local to translate his message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. “What did he say?” asked the Ranger anxiously. The local answered, He say, “He no afraid to die!”

One Liner
Dogs welcome. People tolerated.

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, “Rest in Peace.” 

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. 

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location!’”  

One Liner
If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.

Guy 1: “Has your little boy decided what he wants to be when he grows up?”

Guy 2: “Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector.”

Guy 1: “That’s a rather strange ambition, isn’t it?”

Guy 2: “Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays.”

One Liner
One nice thing about going the extra mile: It’s never crowded.