Monthly Archives: January 2017

Humor – January 31

Check your bill
A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, fax, photocopying, and everything but lunch hours.

Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services.

Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list:

“For crossing the street to talk to you, then discovering it wasn’t you at all – $125.”

One Liner
Rearrange the letters in SLOT MACHINES and you get CASH LOST IN ME.

Thought for the day
2 Timothy 3:16 says, “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness” (NIV).

The Bible is the most read book in history. It’s also the bestselling book in history and the most translated book in history.

Yet it’s more than that. It’s also God’s Word — God’s very breath. 

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Humor -January 30

A young woman woke up one morning and told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight,” he said.

That evening the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it, only to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”

One Liner
Love may not make the world spin around, but it certainly makes a lot of people dizzy.

Thought for the day
“But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves.” (James 1:22 NLT)

Christian meditation means thinking about Scripture. You meditate on Scripture in the same way a cow chews her cud: by chewing on it and chewing on it and chewing on it.

Humor – January 27

Three kids are sitting around the lunch table at school.

One says, “My dad’s a lawyer. People pay him $200 for letter with his opinion on it.”

Another says, “My dad’s a doctor. He writes prescriptions on a little sheet of paper and people pay him $300 for it.” 

The third says, “My dad’s a preacher. He writes a few notes a napkin, tells everyone and it takes 8 people to collect all the money.”

One Liner
The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

Thought for the day
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22–23 (NIV)

 Since God’s compassion starts new every morning, you will never reach a point where his supply of love is exhausted

Humor – January 26

“Oh, No!” he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know.
 
He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded. Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly.
 
“Danny! Danny!” he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten.
 
He couldn’t understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.
 
In desperation, he took another step then cried out, “Danny!”
 
From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. “Yes, Dad,” he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.
 
“It’s time to get up and get ready for school,” the man sighed, “and, for heaven’s sake, clean up this room.”

One liner
There is always death and taxes; however death doesn’t get worse every year.

Thought for the day
“Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.” John 16:22 (NIV)

Do you find that some days you’re staring at your circumstances and making faithless judgments about the things you see? I know I struggle with believing the biblical truth that God is present in all circumstances, particularly when it is a no-good-dirty-rotten day.

Jesus, on the other hand, was certain about the reality of God and certain about God’s presence in his life.

Think about this: Heading into a crisis that would cost him his life, Jesus was so certain of God’s presence that, during the Last Supper, not one of his disciples discerned the gravity of the circumstances! Jesus was confident that God was not only present, but also working through the circumstances.

Humor – January 25

SIGNS YOU’RE GETTING OLDER

~ You got cable for the Weather Channel (sometimes referred to as “Old Folks MTV”).

~ You keep repeating yourself.

~ You discover bifocals are stylish.

~ When you do the “Hokey Pokey” you put your left hip out…and you can’t get it back around.

~ Relatives smile benignly rather than interrupt you as you retell the same story for the zillionth time.

~ You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

~ Conversations with people your own age often turn into “dueling ailments.”

~ People don’t harass you any more when you take an afternoon nap.

~ Your social security number only has three digits.

~ In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

~ Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

~ No one expects you to run into a burning building.

~ Restaurants stop asking to see your senior discount card.

~ People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

~ There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

~ Things you buy now won’t wear out.

~ You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

One Liner
I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

Thought for the day
The Bible says in 1 Peter 2:9, “You are a chosen people” (NIV). That ought to raise your self-esteem! Christ has accepted you — not based on your performance, something that you earned, or something that you deserve. God simply says, “I chose you.”