A taxpayer received a strongly-worded “second notice” that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector’s office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.

“Oh,” confided the collector with a smile, “we don’t send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective.”

One Liner
If you answer the phone with, “Hello? You’re on the air!” most telemarketers will hang up.

A man giving a long-winded speech finally says: “I’m sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home.”

A voice from the crowd says: “There’s a calendar behind you.”

One Liner
That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.

A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the family room.

Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence.

The girl looked at her dad and said, “It was Mom.”

“How do you know?”

“She didn’t say anything.”

One Liner
Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard a big splash.

“Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, “we should just put up a sign that says ‘bridge out’ instead?”

One Liner
Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.

“We have your son,” said the kidnapper.

“I don’t have a son,” says the woman.

“Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crust off his sandwiches?”

“Oh no, you have my husband.”

One Liner
Told my wife I wanted to be cremated. Made an appointment for me next Wednesday.

At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled around the kitchen table.

The training officer was discussing the behavior of fire: “You pull up to a house and notice puffs of smoke coming from the eaves, blackened out windows and little or no visible flame. What does this tell you?” he asked.

Expecting to hear that the house is in a possible back draft situation, a condition very dangerous to fire fighters, he instead heard from one quick wit, “You got the right place.”

One Liner
I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.

A family who had some visitors coming to lunch and they wanted to show-off to their visitors how well they had bought up their children and how well their children prayed.

So when it came to lunch, they said to their son, “Johnny, why don’t you pray?” 

Johnny looked rather embarrassed and he said, “I can’t.” 

So, the mother just whispered to him, “Johnny, just say what Daddy said at breakfast.”

So he shut his eyes and said, “Oh God, why do we have to have these awful people over for lunch today?”

One Liner
Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.

The pastor had been disturbed by a person who was a fast reader.

“We shall now read the Twenty-third Psalm in unison,” he announced.

“Will the lady who is always by ‘the still waters’ while the rest of us are in ‘green pastures,’ please pause until we catch up?”

One Liner |
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young. If they panic and start running toward you, you’re old.