A Census taker came by and five year old Becky answered the door. “My daddy isn’t home, he is a doctor and is performing an appendectomy today!”
 
“Oh my! That’s a big word for such a little girl, do you know what it means?” said the Census Taker.
 
The little girl said “Sure! Fifteen hundred dollars, and that doesn’t even include the anesthesiologist!”

One Liner
“The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.”

Thought for the day
“In the same way that you gave me a mission in the world, I give them a mission in the world.” (John 17:18 MSG)

The mission God gave Jesus he now gives to the Body of Christ — the Church. He wants us to help get other people into his family. 

In a grocery store a cashier held up a small dairy carton and yelled to a co-worker, “How much is half-and-half?”

Without a moment’s hesitation the other cashier replied, “One.”

One Liner
If reality wants to get in touch, it knows where I am.

Thought for the day
“God never overlooks a single sparrow. And he pays even greater attention to you, down to the last detail – even numbering the hairs on your head!” (Luke 12:6-7 MSG).

The greatest gift of love anyone can ever receive is attention. When you give people your time, you give them your life. When you pay attention to someone and look them in the eye, you are saying, “You matter to me. You are valuable.” 

Young Love

One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, “When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don’t love me any more?”

“Nonsense, darling,” replied the husband, “you just cook better now.”

One Liner
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places.
He told me to quit going to those places.

Thought for the day
Without faith it is impossible to please God …. Hebrews 11:6 (NIV)

Godly goals are set through faith. The Bible says, “Without faith, it is impossible to please God.” In order to please God, we must set goals that require faith.

What does this mean? It means we must set goals that are bigger than ones we can reach on your own.

All the grandkids were visiting for Thanksgiving. Before dinner, Grandma made a lengthy speech about being thankful for her extra-special blessings, her four grandchildren. Two seconds after she stopped speaking, craziness ensued and the kids were yelling and grabbing for the home-made rolls. Grandma sat there, eyes closed with a tight squint on her face. When asked what was the matter, she replied, “I’m just praying for a little patience to handle all these blessings.”

One Liner
“As soon as I get some grip on reality, I’m going to choke it.”

Thought for the day 
Eliezer had to pay a price to get Rebekah to come back with him and marry Isaac. Genesis 24:53 says, “Then he brought out gold and silver and articles of clothing and gave them to Rebekah; he also gave expensive gifts to her brother and her mother.” Great goals require great sacrifice.

‘TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING

‘Twas the night of Thanksgiving,

But I just couldn’t sleep.

I tried counting backwards,

I tried counting sheep

The leftovers beckoned

The dark meat and white,

But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,

The thought of a snack became infatuation!

So I raced to the kitchen,

Flung open the door,

And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,

Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,

Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground!!

I crashed through the ceiling, floated into the sky

With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie,

But I managed to yell

as I soared past the trees …

HAPPY EATING TO ALL,

PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE!!

One LINER
Asked to write a composition entitled, “What I’m thankful for on Thanksgiving,” little Johnny wrote, “I’m thankful that I’m not a turkey.”

A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself, “You don’t have to let your wife henpeck you.  Go home and show her you are the boss.”

Of course, the husband takes the doctor’s advice.  He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife’s face, and growls, “From now on, you’re taking orders from me.  I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my best clothes.  Tonight

I’m going out with the boys and you are going to stay at home where you belong. 

And another thing …  you know who’s going to comb my hair, adjust my pants, and then tie my bow tie?” 

“I certainly do,” says his wife calmly … 

“The undertaker!”

One Liner
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

Thought for the day
Proverbs 4:23 says, “Be careful how you think; your life is shaped by your thoughts” (LB).  

Your thoughts don’t have to be true to hurt you; you just have to believe them. If you tell yourself your marriage won’t last, then it won’t. If you’re afraid you can’t do something, then you won’t. Your thoughts run your life!

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
 
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
 
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
 
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him, and him, and him.”

One Liner
A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school clothes.

Thought for the day
Psalm 116:7 says, “I said to myself, ‘Relax, the Lord is going to take care of you'”  (NCV). If you really trust in God, you’re going to be less stressed.

You have a choice –

• You can either worry or worship.
• You can either pray or panic.

The more you pray, the less you’ll panic. Relax, because God will take care of you!

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 
‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ the reporter asked. 
She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’ 

One Liner
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Thought for the day
Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, ‘Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?” James 2:15-16 (NIV)

Faith is more than something you just feel. Many people confuse emotions and feelings with faith. They come to church and they’re moved emotionally, they’re inspired, and they’re stimulated. But that doesn’t mean they’re walking in faith.