A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks.

If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up.

Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist. 

Just to see what would happen, on the twins’ birthday their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. 

The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found  him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

“Why are you crying?” the father asked.

“Because my friends will be jealous, and I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff. I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken,” answered the pessimistic twin.

Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure.

“What are you so happy about?” he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

One Liner
I tried working in a wheel factory, but I got too tired.

THINGS TO DO TO LIVEN UP THANKSGIVING DINNER 

1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your “shake” back to the table. Announce that it’s the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake. 

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, “I’m thankful I didn’t get caught,” and refuse to say anything more 

3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the DVD when Dad’s not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the DVD and turn on the regular TV. 

4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. 

5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, “See mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice that the turkey was past the expiration date. You were worried for nothing.”

One Liner
I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it.

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. 

Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.” 

Bobby looked up and innocently replied, “Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

One Liner
One of life’s mysteries is how a one-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.