Category Archives: humor

Humor – July 7

My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters.  Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house’s lack of insulation.

“If they could live here all those years, so can we!” my husband confidently declared.

One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find our interior walls covered with frost.

My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept warm in the winter.

After a rather brief conversation, he hung up. “For the past 30 years,” he muttered, “they’ve spent the winter in Florida.”

One Liner
First time in history we can save the human race by laying in front of the TV and doing nothing. Let’s NOT mess this up!

Thought for the day
“God’s family is the church of the living God, the pillar and foundation of the truth” (1 Timothy 3:15 GW).

You are called to belong, not just believe.

Humor – July 6

After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented, “The choir was awful this morning.”

The father commented, “The sermon was too long.”

Their 7-year-old daughter added, “You’ve got to admit it was a pretty good show for only a dollar.”

One Liner
It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.

Thought for the day
‘Do not be worried and upset,’ Jesus told them. ‘Believe in God and believe also in me’” John 14:1 GNT

You don’t have to go the rest of your life in constant worry, being uptight, having your stomach in a knot, or feeling tense. Anything that’s learned can be unlearned. So let’s start unlearning worry!

Humor – July 2

Two friends drove by a gas station.

The first one says, “These prices are awful. They just keep going higher!”

The second replies, “It doesn’t affect me at all. I always put in just $20 worth.”

One Liner
Just when you think you’ve won the rat race, along come faster rats.

Thought for the day
“God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus”  Philippians 4:19 ESV

God, however, is never lost. And there is nothing you need that God can’t supply.

Humor – July 1

Two cab drivers met.

“Hey,” asked one, “what’s the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?”

“Well,” the other responded, “when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other.”

One Liner
I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful.

Thought for the day
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger”  Proverbs 15:1 NIV

Gentleness defuses conflict. It deescalates anger.

When someone raises their voice in anger, instead of getting defensive, practice gentleness. Let your gentle answer disarm the other person and diffuse the situation.

Humor – June 30

Recently, I bought a cartridge for my printer. It came in a box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic. When I took it apart, I found that the printer cartridge itself was actually quite small, but they made the packaging unnecessarily large to make it harder to steal and to make the customer feel better about the high price.

I pointed this out to my wife and mentioned how my weight gain over the years of our marriage should have the same effect: It made me seem more valuable and also made me harder for other women to steal.

She’s still laughing.

One Liner
I can’t exercise, because when I do, I start to sweat and burn off fat; it smells like bacon and makes me hungry.

Thought for the day
“You say you have faith, for you believe that there is one God. Good for you! Even the demons believe this, and they tremble in terror. How foolish! Can’t you see that faith without good deeds is useless?.”   James 2:19-20 NLT

Did you know the Devil believes in Jesus? So do the demons. But you won’t find any of them in heaven.

Why? Because saying you believe in Jesus doesn’t mean you have faith in him. It also doesn’t mean you trust him to fulfill his promises.

James says faith is more than just intellectual knowledge. Faith is something you do. It’s active, not passive. Real faith involves making a commitment to trust in Jesus

Humor – June 29

It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter.

When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds. Johnny asked them what they were for.

“People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by,” his father told him.

“Wouldn’t you know it,” Johnny fumed, “the one Sunday I don’t go and He shows up.”

One Liner
I just finished my 90-day trial of 2020. How do I cancel?

Thought for the day
“Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’”
1 Corinthians 15:33 NIV

God wants you to have non-believers as friends. He wants you to love everyone, show kindness to everyone, and help everyone you can. If you don’t have any non-Christian friends, you won’t be around anyone you can share the Good News with.

But your best friends should be Christians. They should be strong believers.

Humor – June 26

I was working as a short-order cook at two restaurants in the same neighborhood. On a Saturday night, I was finishing up the dinner shift at one restaurant and hurrying to report to work at the second place, but I was delayed because one table kept sending back an order of hash browns, insisting they were cold. I replaced them several times, but still the customers were dissatisfied.

When I was able to leave, I raced out the door and arrived at my second job. A server immediately handed me my first order.

“Make sure these hash browns are hot,” she said, “because these people just left a restaurant down the street that kept serving them cold ones.”

One Liner
My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately, that when I pee it cleans the toilet!

Thought for the day
“Since only your rules can give me wisdom and understanding, no wonder I hate every false teaching.”  Psalm 119:104 TLB

The only way to really know what’s fake is to know what’s real.

Humor – June 25

Earl knocked on the front door, which was answered by Shirley.

“Is Bud in?” he asked.

Shirley didn’t like Earl, Bud’s friend, so she wasn’t friendly.

“Yes, but he’s in the shower. What do you want?”

“Oh, nothing, Shirley. How ya doing?”

“As I said, what do you want?”

Earl wasn’t deterred by her chilliness. “You know, Shirley,” he said, “I’ve wanted to do something for a long time.”

“What’s that?” Shirley asked, with an icy stare.

“I’ve wanted to give you a kiss,” he said, “and this seems to be a good opportunity. I’ll give you $100 for a kiss on the lips. How about it?”

“You’ll pay me $100 for a kiss on the lips?” Shirley asked him.

“Yes,” and he pulled out a 100-dollar bill and gave it to her.

“I knew you were a loser, Earl, but I didn’t know you were so desperate. Okay, I’ll do it.” She looked up and down the street to see that nobody was looking and she leaned over and gave Earl a nice, little kiss on his lips.

“Oh, that was good,” Earl said. “But I have another proposition. How about a real kiss with your arms wrapped around my neck? I’ll pay you $400 this time.”

Shirley didn’t want to go through this again, especially with Earl, but she knew she could use the money.

She considered the proposition for a moment and then said, “Okay. I’ll do it but I want the cash first.”

“Sure,” Earl told her. “Here you are.” He handed her four 100-dollar bills, puckered up, and closed his eyes with anticipation.

Shirley, not wanting to fulfil her promise but wanting the easy money, then wrapped her arms around Earl’s neck and planted one of the best kisses on his lips that she’d ever given any man.

“Wow, that was great,” Earl told her. “Thanks, Shirley. Tell Bud I dropped by.” With that, he walked away.

After tucking the money into her pocket, Shirley walked into the kitchen where she met Bud, who asked her, “Who was that at the door?”

“It was your friend, Earl,” she told him.

“I wish I had answered the door,” Bud said. “That guy owes me $500.”

One Liner
This time last month, we were upset because the pizza delivery was five minutes late.

Thought for the day
Joshua 1:8 says of God’s Word, “Never stop reciting these teachings. You must think about them night and day so that you will faithfully do everything written in them. Only then will you prosper and succeed”  GW

God’s not a liar. This is his promise to you. If you want to be successful and prosperous in life, study his Word continuously.

Humor – June 24

A pastor goes to a nursing home for the first time to visit an elderly parishioner.

As he is sitting there, he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they continue their conversation, he can’t help himself and eats one after another.

By the time they are through visiting, the bowl is empty. He says, “Mrs. Jones, I’m so sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts.”

“That’s okay,” she says. “They would have just sat there anyway. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back in the bowl.”

One Liner
On dating app: “Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.”

Thought for the day
“Then Daniel went home and told his friends Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah what had happened. He urged them to ask the God of heaven to show them his mercy by telling them the secret, so they would not be executed along with the other wise men of Babylon”  Daniel 2:17-18 NLT

Daniel realized this was a big request. The kingdom hung in the balance. The king wasn’t thinking clearly. He was about to kill everyone on his court! So Daniel got his prayer team going.

You don’t need a lot of people as part of your prayer team. But you do need four or five friends who will pray with you in times just like these.