Recently, our 18-year-old daughter started hunting for her first real job. She spent an afternoon filling out applications, leaving them on the kitchen table to finish later. As I walked by, a section of the application on top jumped out at me. Under “Previous Employment” she wrote, “Baby sitting.”
In answer to “Reason for Leaving” she wrote, “Parents came home.”
One Liner
Easter is when everybody dresses up for Jesus’ big coming out party.
A guy did system support in a law firm. One day, he had to log a user off and then back on. He entered her initials and then she gave me her password. Her password was “genius”.
After three tries and the system telling him “access denied,” he asked her how to spell it.
She said, “G – E – N – I – O – U – S.”
One Liner
“It’s not a bug – it’s just an undocumented feature”
Three students are leaving their last classes of the day.
The law student is thinking, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have coffee.”
The English student is thinking, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have a latte.”
The medical student is thinking, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.”
One Liner
A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.
While reviewing math symbols with my second-grade pupils, I drew a greater-than (>) and a less-than (<) sign on the chalkboard and asked, “Does anyone remember what these mean?”
A few moments passed, and then a boy confidently raised his hand. “One means fast-forward,” he exclaimed, “and the other means rewind!”
One Liner
“A worldly man is one who’s plans all stop at the grave.” – William McDonnald
“Driver’s Test”
It was just another day at the DMV. I had taken a woman out on her driving test when a police cruiser came up behind us–sirens wailing, lights flashing.
“Was I speeding?” she asked the officer, after both cars pulled over.
“No,” said the officer. “But you are driving a stolen vehicle.”
Smiling awkwardly, the woman turned to me. “Does this mean I failed my test?”
One LINER
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the girl he wanted to marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposals a number of times.
He began what can only be called “Campaigning” and sent her a small token of his affection every day for a month to her house.
Soon, the young lady fell in love with the UPS man.
One Liner
“God loves you, but He likes me best.”
A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.
Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”
One Liner
“When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.”
HEALTH MESSAGE
1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn’t run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don’t think so. It’s the tortoise life for me!
One Liner
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
There’s two muffins in the oven.
One says, “Man! I’m burning up in here!”
The other one says “Hey look! A talking muffin!!!”
One Liner
Did you hear about the red corpuscle and the white corpuscle? They loved in vein.
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one-question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk, and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.”
Fingers flew, erasers erased, and notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class, however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an “A” when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words:
“What chair?”
One Liner
The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to the subject’s true value.
