Fresh out of seminary, a young pastor found an associate position at a prestigious church. One Sunday early on, he was given the opportunity to preach. He prepared diligently – perhaps a bit too excited to use all the learning he’d acquired – and worked hard to make his words eloquent and smooth.

Shaking hands at the end of the service, he was approached by one of the older ladies who was known and respected in both the church and community.

“Sir,” she said with a smile, “your sermon was like the peace of God!”

The young preacher’s grin widened and his chest puffed a bit … until she continued on, “it surpassed ALL understanding!”

One Liner

My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking.

HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining. The day is young. We’ve got our whole lives ahead of us. And you’re inside worrying about a stupid, burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. Not only that, but I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

Dachshund: I can’t reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. What are servants for?

Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.

Doberman Pinscher: While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there…

Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle…

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

One Liner

I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else about what comes out of my mouth.

A new skydiver and his instructor were high in the air when the student was getting ready to jump. Just before he was ready to leap his teacher gave him some final instructions.

“Listen carefully! You jump…count to 3…and pull your rip cord! If that doesn’t work, pull the cord on your reserve chute! There will be a truck down there to pick you up!”

The new skydiver took a deep breath and plunged into the open air. After free falling he counted to 3 and pulled his ripcord. Nothing happened. He pulled the cord on his reserve chute, and nothing happened. Totally disgusted, the skydiver said…

“DANG! I’ll bet that truck’s not down there either!”

One Liner
“Fixin’ to”: The state verb of Texas.

A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established barber.

They put up a big bold sign which read: “WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!”

Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign: “WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!”

One Liner
The inventor of autocorrect died. The funnel will be held tomato.

When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence unit. One day, a long form came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed it.

However, a few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read: “You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee. Please erase your initials and initial your erasure.”

So I did.

One Liner
In the office, don’t ask difficult questions after 4 pm on Friday.

A couple went to the county courthouse to get a marriage license.  They accidentally walked into the office that handled hunting licenses.

“We’re from out of state,” said the prospective groom. “Can we get a license?”

The clerk replied, “No, but I can give you a three-day permit.”

One Liner
“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo.”

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, “Edna, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.”

Edna always replied, “I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, “Edna, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.”

To this, Edna replied, “Buddy, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”

The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.”

Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of crazy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, trying to elicit even a peep, but still not a word!

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I am impressed!”

Buddy replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!”

One Liner
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer. People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

One Sunday morning when my son, David, was about 5, we were attending a church in our community.

It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible.

This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector.

My child immediately raised his hand and said, “It means Daddy’s cooking dinner.”

One Liner
Scientists can now grow human vocal cords from stem cells in the lab. The results speak for themselves.

Joan decided to redecorate. She wasn’t sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need for the bedroom but she knew that Buffy next door had recently done the same job, and the two apartments were identical in size.

“Buffy,” she said, “How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?”

“Ten,” said Buffy.

So Joan bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but had 2 rolls left over.

“Buffy,” she said, “I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I’ve got 2 left over!”

“Yeah,” said Buffy, “So did I.”

One Liner
If a chess champion is coming to dinner, don’t use a checkered tablecloth. It could take him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

Jim had an awful day fishing, sitting on the lake all day without a single bite.  On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.

He told the fish salesman, “Pick out the four largest ones and throw them at me, will you?”

“Okay, but why do you want me to throw them at you?”

“Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them.”

One Liner
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.