A DIETER’S PRAYER
Lord, grant me the strength that I may not fall Into the clutches of cholesterol.
At polyunsaturates, I’ll never mutter,
For the road to Hell is paved with butter.
And cake is cursed and cream is awful
And Satan is hiding in every waffle.
Beelzebub is a chocolate drop
And Lucifer is a lollipop.
Teach me the evils of hollandaise,
Of pasta and globs of mayonnaise.
And crisp fried chicken from the South — Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth.
To err is human, but its against company policy.
A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.
When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: “Don’t pay for me Daddy, I’m under five.”
Tonight’s weather: Dark with continued darkness until dawn.
A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, “Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime
story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up
to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek,
then his again. Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.”
“Oh,” she paused, “Grandpa, did God make me too?”
“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at
it, isn’t he?”
What does a pirate say on his 80th birthday? “Aye, Matey!”
I’m a middle school band teacher, and I match students to instruments by testing them on various mouthpieces. While most children demonstrate aptitude on more than a single instrument, there was one boy who was having difficulty on every one he tried, and he was becoming disheartened.
Finally, he found success on a tuba mouthpiece. He was so happy that he asked to call his mother.
“Mom, guess what!” I overheard him exclaim. “I tested positive for tuba!”
When I get to where I’m going, will somebody please tell me where I am?
I was in a long line at 7:45 am at the grocery store that opened at 8:00 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again, but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, “If you people don’t let me unlock the door, none of you will ever get in to shop.”
I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
A man giving a long-winded speech finally says: “I’m sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home.”
A voice from the crowd says: “There’s a calendar behind you.”
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house and told my dog…we laughed a lot.
I walked into doctor’s office and said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places.”
The doctor replied, “Well, don’t go there any more.”
Watched the birds fight over a worm. The Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3 to 1.
A thief almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre!
He managed to smuggle the artwork past security, but was captured only two blocks away when his minivan ran out of gas.
When a reporter asked how he could mastermind such a crime and yet make such an obvious error, he replied:
“Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”
(Bet you thought I lacked de Gaulle to tell a story like that!)
I’m as bored as an Amish electrician.
Customer on phone: “We need to order some four-by-twos.”
Lumber clerk: “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”
Customer: “Let me check …” <silence> “… Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.”
Clerk: “All right. How long do you need them?”
Customer: “I’d better go check …” <silence> “… A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”
Went to a new restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.