Category Archives: humor

Humor – September 19

There’s an old sea story about a ship’s captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad.

The captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

The first mate responded, “Aye, aye sir, I’ll see to it immediately!”

The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, “The captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear.”

He continued, “Pittman, you change with Jones. McCarthy, you change with Witkowski. And Brown, you change with Schultz.”

One Liner
Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

Thought for the day
“Seven times each day I stop and shout praises for the way you keep everything running right.”  Psalm 119:164

The love of God is like a fire in the heart of man, which breaks forth and praising Him for his benefits.  So stop seven times and praise Him!  Get started ……

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Humor – September 18

 Mr. Smith was brought to a Catholic hospital and quickly taken in for emergency heart surgery.

The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a sweet nun, who was waiting by his bed.

“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand. “We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”

“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.

“Then can you pay in cash?” the nun asked.

“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”

“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun questioned.

“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered. “But she’s a humble spinster nun.”

“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters. They are married to God!”

“Really?” said Mr. Smith. “In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

One Liner
I don’t mind going to work. But that 8-hour wait to go home is awful

Thought for the day
For to me, living means living for Christ, and dying is even better. Philippians 1:21 NLT

Have you ever said, “I would die for Christ if it ever came down to that!”  That’s a powerful statement to make.  But may we be challenged to live for Him, which is a daily statement of the life He now lives within us!

Humor – September 17

An old geezer who was a retired farmer for a long time became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s Clinic. Get your treatment for $500, and if not cured, get back $1,000!”

Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he visited Dr. Geezer’s clinic.

Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I’ve lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Dr. Young: “Aaagh !! — This is gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations!  You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: “I’ve lost my memory, I can’t remember anything.”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t, that’s gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back! That will be $500.”

Dr. Young (after losing $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see anything!”

Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so here’s your $1000 back,” and handed him a $10 bill.

Dr. Young: “But this is only $10!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

One Liner
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

Thought for the day
God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another” 1 Peter 4:10

God uses our talents to test our unselfishness. You have to decide in life for whom or what you’re going to live. You’re either going to live a self-centered, miserly life or you’re going to live for something greater than yourself — the Kingdom of God.


Humor – September 14

An Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning. An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like to run a power line through his pasture.

The Amish man said, “No.”

“Legally, that paper says we can.” replied the worker.

As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the Amish man went to his barn and turned his bull into the pasture.

As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish man hollered, “Show HIM your paper!”

One Liner
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles’ elbow.

Thought for the day
“So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else’s property, who will give you property of your own? No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money” (Luke 16:11-13 NIV).

Faithful people are generous when they don’t have anything to give.


Humor – September 13

The Old Man’s Golf Game

    “How was your golf game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy.
“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went.”
“But you’re seventy-five years old, Jack!” admonished his wife,
“Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?”
“But he’s eighty-five and doesn’t even play golf anymore,” protested Jack.
“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,” Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
“Do you see it?” asked Jack.
“Yup,” Scott answered.
“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
“I forgot.”

One Liner
How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn’t have anything to jot it down on?

Thought for the day
“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9 NIV).

The truth is, no one is outside Jesus’ reach!

 

Humor – September 12

Because of an ear infection, my young son, Casey, had to go to the pediatrician. I was impressed with the way the doctor directed his comments and questions to my son.

When he asked Casey, “Is there anything you are allergic to?” Casey nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to me. Without looking at it, I tucked it into my purse.

Later, the pharmacist filled the order, remarking on the unusual food drug interaction my son must have. When he saw my puzzled expression, he showed me the label on the bottle.

As per the doctor’s instructions, it read: “Do not take with broccoli.”

One Liner
I like waiters: they bring a lot to the table.

Thought for the day
Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2 NLT).

If sensitivity to others’ needs begins with your eyes, then sympathy for their hurt begins with your ears. You have to learn to listen! The better listener you become, the more sympathetic you will be.

 

Humor – September 11

Dear God,

So far today, I’ve done all right.
I haven’t gossiped.
I haven’t lost my temper.
I haven’t lied or cheated.
I haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent.

I’m very thankful for that.
But in a few minutes, Lord,
I’m going to get out of bed;
and from then on,
I’m probably going to need a lot more help.

Amen.

One Liner
All the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth.

Thought for the day
“You must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength” Mark 12:30 NLT

Another way to say this is, love God with all your talk, all your feelings, all your thinking, and all of your acting.