Category Archives: humor

Humor – January 22

Stopping at a restaurant advertising a “Unique Breakfast,” a man asked the waitress what this was, and was told, “Baked chicken tongue.” 

“That’s disgusting!” the man said. “I’d never eat something that came out of a chicken’s mouth.” 

“What would you like then?” the waitress asked. 

“Oh, just bring me some scrambled eggs,” the man replied. 

One Liner
Cheese is GRATE for you!

Humor – January 21

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. 

The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. 

“Preacher,” said the young man, “I’m sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.” 

The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.” 

One Liner
I burned my Hawaiian pizza. I should have used ALOHA temperature?

Humor – January 20

I’m a counselor who helps coordinate support groups for visually-impaired adults. Many participants have a condition known as macular degeneration, which makes it very difficult for them to distinguish facial features. I had just been assigned to a new group and was introducing myself. 

Knowing that many in the group would not be able to see me well, I jokingly said, “For those of you who can’t see me, I’ve been told that I look like a cross between Paul Newman and Robert Redford.” Immediately, one woman called out, “We’re not THAT blind!” 

One Liner
When making butter, there is no MARGARINE for error!

Humor – January 19

A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened. 

“Well, Dad,” said the boy, “I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.” 

“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.” 

“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his big sister!”

One Liner
I finally got my head together and my body fell apart. 

Humor – January 18

I have my own system for labeling homemade freezer meals.

Forget calling them “Veal Parmigiana” or “Turkey Loaf” or “Beef Pot Pie.”

If you look in my freezer you’ll see “Whatever,” “Anything,” “I Don’t Know,” and, my favorite, “Food.”

That way when I ask my husband what he wants for dinner, I’m certain to have what he wants.”

One Liner
Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and be quiet.

Humor – January 15

In a shop that sold religious items was a display of baseball caps with “WWJD” printed on them.

Customer: “WWJD?  What does that mean?”

Clerk: “WWJD stands for ‘What Would Jesus Do’ “

Customer: “Well, I’m pretty sure Jesus wouldn’t pay $23.95 for one of these baseball caps.”

One Liner
I disagree with unanimity. 

Humor – January 14

A tornado hit a Kansas farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It tore off the roof, and picked up the bed on which the farmer and his wife were sleeping. By some miracle, the cyclone set them down unharmed in the next county over. 

The wife was sobbing uncontrollably. “Don’t be scared, Mary,” her husband said. “We’re not hurt.” 

Mary continued to cry. “I’m not scared,” she said between sobs. “I’m happy…this is the first time in 14 years we’ve been out together.

One Liner
Why do they call it a “building”?  It’s all finished, isn’t it?  Why not call it a “built”?

Humor – January 13

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in its mouth.

The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes.

He took the book out of the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!”

“Not really,” said the cow. “Your name was written inside the cover.”

One Liner
Went to the doctor yesterday and he asked me if obesity runs in m family? I told him no one runs in my family.

Humor – January 12

I’M A SENIOR CITIZEN…

I’m the life of the party…even when it lasts until 8 p.m.

I’m very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.

I’m the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a word you’re saying.

I’m very good at telling stories…over and over and over and over.

I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I’m not grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians…

I’m wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that’s just my left leg.

I’m having trouble remembering simple words like…uhhhh…ummmm

I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days.

I’m wondering, if you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

I’m supporting all movements now…by eating bran, prunes, and raisins.

One Liner
I’ve found that if you tuck one part of your pants legs into your sock, people expect less of you.

Humor – January 11

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. 

After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good, and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – OH NOOO!” 

Then silence.

The captain finally came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am SO sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

A passenger in coach shouted, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”

One Liner
My Saturday was going well until I realized it was Sunday.