Category Archives: humor

Humor – November 19

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a poor view, so he stand on a large box and asks, “Can you all see me now?”

“Yes.”
“Oui.”
“Si.”
“Ja.”

One Liner
So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.

Thought for the day
“Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” 2 Corinthians 9:6-7

If you ever feel pressured to give, don’t. You don’t get any credit for that kind of gift. The Bible says, “God loves a cheerful giver.” God’s not looking at the amount you give but at your attitude.


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Humor – November 16

“Dad, I think the Smiths next door are angry at us.”

“Why is that?”

“They’re probably mad because our dog can retrieve the newspaper, and theirs can’t.”

“How could you possibly know that? We don’t even subscribe to the paper.”

“Yeah, that’s probably got something to do with it, too.”

One Liner
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows…and a foundation leaks, and a ball game gets rained out, and a car rusts, and…

Thought for the day
What is impossible with man is possible with God Luke 18:27

God specializes in the impossible. It’s called a miracle, and he can do it in your life! He is ready to turn your dead end into deliverance.

Humor – November 15

An airplane pilot had had a particularly difficult flight and a rough landing.

The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile and give them a “Thanks for riding Royal Airlines.” But, in light of his bad landing, the pilot had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?”

“Why no, ma’am,” replied the pilot, “What is it?”

The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”

One Liner
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly-colored machine tools.

Thought for the day
“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that . . . they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady”  Romans 5:3-4

What’s the purpose of your problems and difficulty? God wants you to learn something. Every storm is a school. Every trial is a teacher. Every experience is an education. Every difficulty is for your development.

Humor – November 14

A convenience store needed to replace the fence on the back of the property so the owner called three contractors in to bid on it. When they arrived he noticed each vehicle was from a different state. He didn’t think anything of it and took them around back to make a bid.

First to step up was the contractor from Florida. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, “Well I figure the job will run about $9000. $4000 for materials, $4000 for my crew, and $1000 profit for me.”

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, “Looks like I can do this job for $7000. $3000 for materials, $3000 for my crew, and $1000 profit for me.”

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, “$27,000.”

The store owner, incredulous, looked at him and said, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

“Easy,” he said. “$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Texas.”

One Liner
How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn’t have anything to jot it down on?

Thought for the day
Proverbs 4:13 says, “Always remember what you have learned. Your education is your life — guard it well”

Be careful. You need to guard your mind. You need to learn the right stuff.

Humor – November 13

Little Johnny and his mother returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries.  Little Johnny opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

“What are you doing?” his mother asked.

“It says not to eat them if the seal is broken,” Little Johnny explained. “I’m looking for the seal.”

One Liner
I told the doctor that I was allergic to cotton. He gave me some pills for the condition, but I couldn’t get them out of the bottle.

Thought for the day
“Do yourself a favor and learn all you can; then remember what you learn and you will prosper” Proverbs 19:8

Many people spend their younger years getting an education. Hopefully, that commitment to education continues. We should all become lifelong learners.

Humor – November 12

I was in the six-item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, ‘So which six items would you like to buy?’

Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?

One Liner
I didn’t believe in reincarnation the last time, either.

Thought for the day
“Now God had given the chief of staff both respect and affection for Daniel” Daniel 1:9

The world urges us to show bluster when we’re wronged. God urges us to show respect.

And we can always know that God is looking out for our best interests.

Humor – November 9

Nine year old Dewey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

“Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.”

“Now, Dewey, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked.

“Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!”

One Liner
Sign at animal park: Please be safe.  Do not set, stand, climb, or lean on fence.  If you fall, animals may eat you and that might make them sick.

Thought for the day
“Stand true to what you believe. Be courageous. Be strong” 1 Corinthians 16:13b

We need people of courage today to stand up to evil in a culture that’s turning wrong into right and darkness into light. And because that’s what God calls us to do, he will support and reward you when you stand firm for him.