It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
She’ll be happy to know I got the hint.
I got her a magazine rack.
I get plenty of exercise — jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
“Yes, Theo, what is it?” asked the teacher.
“I don’t wan to alarm you, Miss Davis, but my dad said if I don’t get better grades, someone was going to be in big trouble.”
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.
I was driving home from work when I was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Three days later, I got the same ticket, at the same stop, from the same cop.
“So, have you learned anything?” asked the cop.
“Yes, I have,” I began. “I’ve learned it’s time to find a new way home from work.”
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.
· Why do leprechauns bow when the weather’s bad? To make a rain-bow.
· What happens when you call a leprechaun short? He gets O’ffended.
· What kind of spells do leprechauns use? Lucky Charms!
· What’s small, lucky, and green all over? A leprechaun who recycles.
What do you say to the smartest person you know on St. Patrick’s Day? You’re very clover!
A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children. All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker’s three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.
The man checked shirt, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, “Excuse me little girl, but why do you keep staring at me?”
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet for her response. The little girl said, “I just want to see how you drink like a fish.”
You know you’re senile when you start quoting yourself. Wait, you’re only senile if you don’t know you’re quoting yourself.
My husband has always had a beard. One day, he decided to shave it off. He came into the room where my 5-year-old daughter Samantha was and asked her, “Notice anything different?”
To which she replied, “No,” with a puzzled look on her face.
My husband then said to her, “My beard’s gone.”
Now the puzzled look disappeared and the innocent eyes appeared when she said, “I didn’t take it!”
He suffers in silence louder than anyone I know.
A high school student stared thoughtfully at the second question on his exam, which read, “State the number of tons of coal shipped out of America in any given year.”
Suddenly, his brow cleared, and he wrote, “1492: None.
Nothing tops a plain pizza!
A parts manager for a small tool repair shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead.
Furious at the factory’s incompetence, he promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind.
Less than a week later, he received the same part back with a letter containing just four words: “TURN THE PART OVER.
On rainy days, my wife thinks it’s pathetic when I stare through the window. It would be less pathetic if she just let me in.
A young boy came to Sunday school late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied that he was going to go fishing, but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.
The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing, to which the boy replied, “Yes, Dad said he didn’t have enough bait for both of us.”
Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.
Me: My tire’s making a whistling sound.
Mechanic: Sounds like a flat.
Me: More like an F sharp.
I wanted to marry an English teacher when she got out of jail. But you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.