Category Archives: humor

Humor – September 27

TOP 10 THINGS OVERHEARD ON THE ARK

10. “Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?”

9. “Hey, there are more than two flies in here!”

8. “Wasn’t someone supposed to put two shovels on board?”

7. “Okay, who’s the wise guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?!”

6. “Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!”

5. “Don’t make me pull this ark over and come back there!”

4. “No Ham, you cannot eat the pig!”

3. “And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out.”

2. “Nice doggie…”

1. “Are we there yet?”

One Liner
I wanted to live the simple life, but figuring it out proved too complex.

Thought for the day
“Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am” Matthew 16:24 The Message

How do you let go and let God? First, you have to make Jesus the manager of your life.

Humor – September 26

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

“You know, love” she says, “I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my chest sags to my waist, my rear is hanging out a mile. I’ve got fat legs and my arms are all flabby.”

She turns to her husband and says, “Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.”

He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice, “Well…there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

One Liner
I keep hitting the CTRL key, but I’m still not in control.

Thought for the day
“Let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes” Ephesians 4:23 NLT

The battle for sin, the battle to deal with those defects in your life that you don’t like, starts in your mind. If you want to change anything in your behavior or anything in your emotions, you start with your thoughts and your attitude.

Humor – September 25

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.  He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”  So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies–two in the front seat and three in the back–wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly 22 miles an hour!”, the old woman says a bit proudly.

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car okay?  These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer.  We just got off Highway 119.”

One Liner
I keep hearing on the radio that I can make big money flipping houses, but they never say how much I have to pay for the spatula.

Thought for the day
“Throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception”  Ephesians 4:22 NLT

Change requires making choices. It’s not enough to dream of changing. It’s not enough to desire change. In order for you to change, you will need to make a decision. You must choose to change.


Humor – September 24

SIGNS YOUR BAPTISM SERVICE IS NOT GOING LIKE IT SHOULD

7. The Coast Guard becomes involved.

6. The service is held at “Splash Mountain Water Park.”

5. The Pastor has to wear a frogman outfit complete with air tanks into the water.

4. As the baptism begins the organist plays the theme from JAWS.

3. You keep hearing the pastor say, “Oops. Honestly, sister, I didn’t know about that drop-off.”

2. The deacon board shows up with fishing gear and packing a cooler.

1. Two words: Alka Seltzer

One Liner
Nothing’s impossible for those who don’t have to do it.

Thought for the day
“Start with GOD — the first step in learning is bowing down to GOD; only fools thumb their noses at such wisdom and learning” Proverbs 1:7 The Message

Have you noticed that the moment you establish a goal in your life, you start hearing people say, “Who do you think you are” or “It can’t be done” or “Forget about it”?

The antidote to the voices of doubt is to instead listen to the voice of God.

 

Humor – September 23

TRUE LOVE

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your car,
takes your money,
and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

One Liner
I think I’m allergic to Mondays … and mornings.

Thought for the day
“God blesses you when people mock you and persecute you and lie about you and say all sorts of evil things against you because you are my followers. Be happy about it! Be very glad! For a great reward awaits you in heaven. And remember, the ancient prophets were persecuted in the same way” (Matthew 5:11-12 NLT).

Taking a stand for God won’t just impact you and those you care about in this life. It’ll have an eternal impact. When you’re afraid to speak up for God in your everyday life, that’s natural and normal. But it’s also temporary. That fear will just stay with you for a few moments. The benefits to courageously speaking out for God will stay with you for trillions and trillions and trillions of years.

Humor – September 20

SIGNS OF LIFE

English sign in German cafe: “Mothers, Please Wash Your Hans Before Eating”

On a scientist’s door: “Gone Fission”

Outside a hotel: “Help! We need inn-experienced people”

On a music teacher’s door: “Out Chopin”

On the door of a music library: “Bach in a minuet”

At a farmer’s field: “The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges”

In a podiatrist’s window: “Time wounds all heels”

On a front door: “Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog”

Non-smoking area: “If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action”

On maternity room door: “Push, Push, Push”

Sign on fence: “Salesmen welcome – dog food is expensive”

Muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”

Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

Optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place”

One Liner
Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

Thought for the day
“Instead, there must be a spiritual renewal of your thoughts and attitudes” Ephesians 4:23

Change requires new thinking. In order to change, we must learn about God’s truth and start making good choices, but we also must change the way we think. We’ve talked about this before: The battle over sin starts in your mind, not in your behavior.