The condemned man was waiting for his execution, when the priest arrived.

“My son, I came to bring the word of God to you.”

“No thanks, Father. I’m going to talk to Him in a little while, personally.
Any message?”

One Liner
I was told that 70% of the population is stupid. I’m obviously with the
other 40%.

The age of the computer brings much ease and expertise to the preparation of the worship folders. Some churches which use the same basic format each week can simply call up the form on the computer screen, make a few necessary changes, and presto, it’s done.
But it can be tricky.

In one church I know, they use the same format for funeral services. And when a person dies and a funeral service is prepared, the secretary simply uses the word-search-and-replace process and changes the name of the deceased from the previous service to the name of the deceased who has just passed away.
Very simple.

So when Edna died, the pastor instructed the secretary to prepare the service for her by following the above mentioned process. The last person who died was Mary. So the secretary instructed the computer to change all “Mary”s to Edna”s. And so it was.

Imagine the surprise of the attendees when they recited the Apostles Creed and read: “He was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Edna…”

One Liner
How does Star Fleet pay the crew of the USS Enterprise? Star Bucks

Dad is down at the auto dealership, looking at potential choices.

“Cargo space?” he asks.

The salesman, slightly confused, finally replies, “Car no do that… car go road.”

One Liner
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact, it borders on Chile all the time.

If a barber makes a mistake, it’s a new style.

If a driver makes a mistake, it’s an accident.

If a engineer makes a mistake, it’s a new venture.

If parents makes a mistake, it’s a new generation.

If a politician makes a mistake, it’s a new law.

If a scientist makes a mistake, it’s a new invention.

If a teacher makes a mistake, it’s a new theory.

If our boss makes a mistake, it’s our mistake.

If an employee makes a mistake, it’s a “MISTAKE.”

If a tailor makes a mistake, it’s a new fashion.

One Liner

If all the world’s a stage, then someone in casting needs to be fired.

Linda and Marion were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.

“I started a new business last year,” Linda said. “I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months.”

“Why in the world would you do that?” Marion asked.

“It’s the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without,” Linda said.

One Liner
One knows they are old when their smart watch says they had a good night’s sleep and their body screams, “Liar!!”

After dinner one evening, my dad starting entertaining our dinner guest by playing the piano.

At one point he turned to the visitor and said, “I understand you love music?”

“Yes,” murmured the guest politely. “But never you mind, you keep right on playing…”

One Liner
To your stomach all potatoes are mashed

A mostly-bald man went to his barber, who had a lush head of wavy hair.  He said, “If you could make my head look like yours, I’d give you $5000!”

The barber promptly started shaving his own head.

One Liner
Waldo wears a striped shirt because he doesn’t want to be spotted.

Martin was a slow-working employee and found it difficult to hold a job. Finally, he found work at the Zoo. The zookeeper, aware of his reputation, assigned him to the tortoise section.

Later, the zookeeper dropped by and found Martin standing by an empty enclosure.

“Where are the tortoises?” the zookeeper asked.

“I can’t believe it!” said Martin.  “I just opened the door and then … Whooooosh!”

One Liner
If you love someone, let them nap.

Every time a little boy went to a playmate’s house, he found the friend’s grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible. Finally his curiosity got the better of him.

“Why do you suppose your grandmother reads the Bible so much?” he asked.

“I’m not sure,” said his friend, “but I think she’s cramming for finals.”

One Liner
Do twins realize that at least one of them is unplanned?

Mrs. Pete Jones came into the newsroom to pay for her husband’s obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn’t it too bad about him passing away.

She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, “Pete died.”

The newsman said he thought Old Pete deserved more and he’d give her three more words.

Mrs. Pete Jones thanked him and rewrote the obituary: “Pete died. Boat for sale.”

One Liner
You’re not as young as you used to be. But you’re not as old as you’re going to be.