A man goes to the doctor complaining about stomach problems. The doctor asks him what he’s been eating.
“I only eat pool balls,” he says. “Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner.”
“I see the problem,” says the doctor. “You’re not getting enough greens.”
A friend of mine bought his wife a world map and gave her a dart and said, throw this, and wherever it lands–that痴 where I知 taking you when this pandemic ends. It turns out that they will be spending two weeks behind the fridge.
After breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for John to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.
After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, “If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?”
Without looking up from his newspaper John replied, “About 10 years.”
Middle Age: When a broad mind and a narrow waist change places.
The insurance agent was having quite an easy time selling Mrs. Jones insurance on her husband’s life. In fact he thought it was too easy.
When all the details were finalized Mrs. Jones casually asked, “Now if my husband should die tomorrow what would I get?”
“That would depend entirely,” the insurance man replied, “on how the evidence is presented to the jury.”
No matter how stupid you feel, remember Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother.
A woman was shopping for something to wear to her 50th high school reunion when a group of teenage girls came into the same shop to try on dresses for their school formal.
“Gross,” complained one girl loudly to her friends, “this dress makes me look 40 years old!”
“May I have it?” called out the lady. “That’s just what I’m looking for!”
One of the hardest decisions in life is when to start middle age.
A golfer is playing a round of golf with his buddies. On the sixth hole, a hole over water, he proceeds to flub nine balls into the water. Frustrated over his poor golfing ability, he heaves his golf clubs into the water, and begins to walk off the course.
Then all of a sudden he turns around and jumps back in the lake, his buddies apparently thinking he is going to retrieve his clubs.
When he comes out of the water he doesn’t have his clubs and begins to walk off the course.
Then one of his buddies asks, “Why did you jump into the lake?”
And he said, “I left my car keys in the bag.”
Remember when we were kids and we’d say, “I can’t wait until I get older and can do whatever I want!” So, how’s that working for ya?
One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it.
The following week, her check was for less that the normal amount, and she confronted her boss. “How come,” the supervisor inquired, “you didn’t say anything when you were overpaid?”
Unperturbed, the employee replied, “Well, I can overlook one mistake, but not two in a row!”
Shout out to the person who created the word “plethora.” It means a lot.
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.
The dog looked up and said, “Don’t be surprised. This is just part of my job.”
“Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can’t believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!”
“No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don’t! If that man finds out I can talk, he’ll have me answering the phone too!”
I’m the type of wife that will help my husband look for his chocolate, that I ate.
I was recovering from surgery when a charity representative phoned asking me to take part in a door-to-door fund-raising effort.
“Sorry,” I replied, “but I’ve been incapacitated.”
Undaunted, the caller kept trying to convince me to change my mind and volunteer.
I interrupted and said, “Listen to me. I’m incapacitated. Do you know what that means?”
She hesitated. “It means your head was cut off?”
The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 26 minutes and was performed by the child sitting behind me on Delta flight 963 from LA to Tokyo.
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. “Professionally employed?” he asked.
“We’re a military family,” the wife answered.
“Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve,” she answered proudly.
“Oh, no,” she said earnestly. “They’re very well behaved.
So if a cow cant produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.
She rattles off, “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s wrong with me, Doctor?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, “Well, I can tell you one thing…there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”
Why do we have to wait until night to call it a day?