Category Archives: humor

Humor – September 22

Pardon me, lady,” said the man trying to get back to his seat in the darkened movie theater, “but did I step on your toes a few minutes ago?”

“You certainly did!” said the woman in the aisle seat.

“Good, then I’m in the right row,” the man said as he went back to his seat.

One Liner
What’s the difference between an optimist and a pessimist? An Optimist only wears a belt. A Pessimist wears a belt, suspenders, and carries safety pins.

Thought for the day
“[God] comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others . . . When we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer” 2 Corinthians 1:4a, 6

This is called redemptive suffering. Redemptive suffering is when you go through a problem or a pain for the benefit of others.

This is what Jesus did. When Jesus died on the cross, he didn’t deserve to die. He went through that pain for your benefit so that you can be saved and go to Heaven.

Advertisements

Humor – September 21

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.

“Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

“Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition, because this prescription is marked 鮮O REFILLS.'”

One Liner
What cheese is made backwards? Edam

Thought for the day
Psalm 37:7 says, “Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act”

God wants you to wait patiently for him to answer your prayer.

Humor – September 20

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!”

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?”

“No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

One Liner
A pessimist is a person who looks both way before crossing a one-way street.

Thought for the day
“Whoever looks intently into the perfect law . . . and continues in it — not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it — they will be blessed in what they do” James 1:25

Read your Bible: “Whoever looks intently . . .”
Review the Bible: “. . . continues in it . . .”
Remember the Bible: “. . . not forgetting what they have heard . . .”
Respond to the Bible: “. . . but doing it . . .”

You don’t want to be a spiritual baby anymore. It’s time to grow up and live the blessed life you’re meant to live. Hiding God’s Word in your heart is an important way to start.

Humor – September 19

put some turnips, his least-favorite vegetable, on my eleven-year-old son’s dinner plate and instructed him to eat everything. He cleaned his plate, except for the turnip.

I pointed out to him that if he’d eaten it earlier, he wouldn’t have been left with its taste in his mouth at the end of the meal.

Thoughtfully, he replied, “I guess I was just trying to delay the inedible.”

One Liner
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

Thought for the day
“Job stood up, tore his robe in grief, and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground and worshiped” (Job 1:20 GW).

Job expressed his pain to God. When you have a major loss in your life, the first thing you need to do is tell God exactly how you feel.

Humor – September 18

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

“But officer.” the man began, “I can explain!”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back…”

“But officer, I just wanted to say….”

“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

One Liner
Misers aren’t much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

Thought for the day
“It is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18b NIV).

What you often call loneliness is really homesickness for God. You’ve just never recognized it. You were made to have a personal, intimate relationship with Jesus Christ, a relationship that God is dying to have with you.

Humor – September 15

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a salesman runs up to him, and yells, “Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!”

The golfer, annoyed, says, “What is it?”

“It’s a special golf ball,” says the salesman. “You can never lose it!”

“Whattaya mean,” scoffs the golfer, “you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?”

“No problem,” says the salesman. “It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.”

“Well, what if you hit it into the woods?”

“Easy,” says the salesman. “It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.”

“Okay,” says the golfer, impressed. “But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?”

“No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I’m telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!”

The golfer buys it at once. “Just one question,” he says to the salesman. “Where did you get it?”

“I found it.”

One Liner
“A woman’s work is never done. So why bother?”

Thought for the day
“You were chosen to tell about the excellent qualities of God, who called you.” (1 Peter 2:9 GWT)

You are called to serve God. Growing up, you may have thought that being called by God was something only missionaries, pastors, nuns, and other full-time church workers experienced, but the Bible says every Christians is called to service.

 

Humor – September 13

Two robins were sitting in a tree.

“I’m really hungry,” said the first one. “Let’s fly down and find some lunch.”

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.

“I’m so full, I don’t think I can fly back up into the tree,” said the first one.

“Let’s just lay back here and bask in the warm sun,” said the second.

“OK,” said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat came up and gobbled them right up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought…

“BOY, I JUST *LOVE* BASKIN ROBINS…”

One Liner
Don’t insult the alligator until after you cross the river.

Thought for the day
Now you belong to him . . . in order that you might be useful in the service of God. Romans 7:4 (TEV)

Your call to salvation included your call to service. They are the same. Regardless of your job or career, you are called to full-time Christian service. A “non-serving Christian” is a contradiction in terms.