Category Archives: humor

Humor – December 7

Fruit Cake TOP TEN

10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table.

9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino.

8. Send to U.S. Air Force; let troops drop them.

7. Use as railroad ties.

6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers.

5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins.

4. Use instead of cement shoes.

3. Save for next summer’s garage sale.

2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition.

1. Two words: pin cushion.

One Liner

Here I am – now what are your other two wishes?

Humor – December 6

CLEVER WORDS FOR CLEVER PEOPLE

~ ARBITRAITOR – A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s

~ BERNADETTE – The act of torching a mortgage.

~ BURGLARIZE – What a crook sees through

~ AVOIDABLE – What a bullfighter tries to do

~ EYEDROPPER – Clumsy ophthalmologist

~ CONTROL – A short, ugly inmate.

~ COUNTERFITTER – Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

~ ECLIPSE – What an English barber does for a living.

~ LEFT BANK – What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.

~ HEROES – What a man in a boat does

~ PARASITES – What you see from the Eiffel Tower

~ PARADOX – Two physicians

~ PHARMACIST – A helper on a farm

~ POLARIZE – What penguins see through

~ PRIMATE – Remove your spouse from in front of TV

~ RELIEF – What trees do in the spring

~ SELFISH – What the owner of a seafood store does

~ SUDAFED – Brought litigation against a government official

One Liner

How do you start a fairy tale in the modern age?
“If elected, I promise…”

Humor – December 3

A dad decided to introduce and explain football to his 6-year-old son and took him to his first American football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, Dad asked his son how he liked the experience.

“It was okay, Daddy, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, his dad asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ All that, Daddy, for only 25 cents?!?!”

One Liner

Common sense is the least common of the senses.

Humor – December 2

TOP SEVEN THINGS OVERHEAD ON THE WISE MEN’S JOURNEY TO BETHLEHEM:

7. Man, I’m starting to get a rush from this frankincense!

6. You guys ever eat camel meat? I hear it tastes like goat.

5. You know, I used to go to school with a girl name Beth Lehem.

4. What kind of name is Balthazar anyhow? Phoenician?

3. Hey, do you either of you know why “MYRRH” is spelled with a “Y” instead of a “U”?

2. Okay, whose camel just spit??

1. All this staring at a star while riding a camel is making me woozy.

One Liner

What do you call a Christmas wreath made with $100 bills?
Aretha Franklins.

Humor – December 1

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”

“She did,” he replied. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”

One Liner
A penny saved is actually better than a penny earned because the penny saved has already been taxed.

Humor – November 30

TEN THINGS JESUS NEVER SAID

1. You’ve gone too far to be saved.

2. I’m so disappointed in you.

3. This wouldn’t be happening if you were a better Christian.

4. There are some people you don’t need to love.

5. Everyone should believe and act the way you do.

6. It’s all up to you.

7. There are some people you don’t have to forgive.

8. You’ve missed My will for your life.

9. I’ve given up on you.

10. This is a cross you must bear.

One Liner

Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God’s grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God’s grace.

Humor – November 29

Four expectant fathers were in a Minnesota hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse comes in and tells the first man, “Congratulations, you’re the father of twins.”

“What a coincidence!” the man exclaims. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!”

The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, “You are the father of triplets.”

“Wow, what a coincidence!” he replies. “I work for the 3M Corporation.”

When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.

“Another coincidence!” he tells her. “I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!”

At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask him what was wrong. He moans, “I work for Seven-Eleven!”

One Liner

The other day I held the door open for a clown. It was a nice jester.

Humor – November 26

Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles. One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”

“That doesn’t matter,” replied Judi, “as long as I can sell the car.”

“Okay,” said Judi’s friend. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore.”

The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, “Did you sell your car?”

“No,” replied Judi, “why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”

One Liner

If giraffes ever go extinct it will be hard to describe them without making them seem like a dinosaur.

Humor – November 24

‘TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING

‘Twas the night of Thanksgiving,
But I just couldn’t sleep.
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep
The leftovers beckoned,
The dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,
The thought of a snack became infatuation!
So I raced to the kitchen,
Flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes, Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round, Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground!!

I crashed through the ceiling, floated into the sky With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie, But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees …

HAPPY EATING TO ALL,
PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE!!

One Liner

Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell your storm how big your God is.

Humor – November 23

SIGNS YOU’RE OVERDOING THANKSGIVING

~ Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.

~ Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.

~ You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth’s axis.

~ You spill more food on you than the local soup kitchen dispenses.

~ Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy.

~ The “Gravy Boat” your wife set out was a real 12′ boat!

~ The potatoes you used set off another famine in Ireland.

~ Your “Old Elvis Super-Belt” won’t even go around your waist.

~ You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail.

~ You set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog Friday.

~ Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.

One Liner

Thanksgiving is great because people tend to speak less when food is lodged in their mouths.