Category Archives: humor

Humor – October 23

I called a friend and asked what he was doing.

He replied that he was working on “aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum, and steel under a constrained environment.”

I was impressed…

Upon further inquiring, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife’s supervision.

One Liner
Hard work is the yeast that raises the dough. 

Humor – October 22

When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”

The clerk looked at his picture closely. “It’s okay,” he reassured the man, “that’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

One Liner
Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.

Humor – October 21

Wayne was returning home from a business trip, bags in hand, and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage. Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Wayne, and the driver pointed menacingly at him. “Get in,” the driver ordered. “I’ll take you to your car.” 

Startled, Wayne took a step backward. “Ah…no thanks,” he answered. “I can get there myself.” 

“No!” the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door. “Get in!” 

Wayne’s eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard.  

Just then, the driver’s face softened. “Please,” he said, “I’ve been driving up and down for two hours. I can’t find a space to park, and I want yours.” 

One Liner
A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.

Humor – October 19

While taking a routine vandalism report at a primary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, “Are you a cop?” 

“Yes,” I answered and continued writing the report. 

“My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?” 

“Yes, that’s right,” I told her. 

“Well, then,” she said as she extended her foot toward me, “would you please tie my shoe?” 

One Liner
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?” 

Humor – October 16

Tech: “Hello, this is tech support. What can I help you with today?”

User: (describes problem)

Tech: (rattles off computer jargon)

User: “Sorry, I don’t understand. Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?”

Tech: “Okay: ‘Hi, could you please put your mommy on the phone?’ “

One Liner
A day without sunshine is like, well, night. 

Humor – October 15

My mother works in a laboratory and is responsible for keeping tissue cultures alive. So that she won’t forget, she writes “feed cells” on her calendar. One day she noticed that someone had scribbled in “take cells for a walk.”

By the end of the month, a number of anonymous reminders had been added: “Take cells to Disneyland,” “Cells on vacation,” “Cells back” and, on Yom Kippur, “Jewish cells get the day off.”

One Liner
A bird in the hand makes it difficult to blow your nose.

Humor – October 14

Two guys are out hunting, and as they are walking along they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed at the size of it. 

The first hunter says, “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?” 

The second hunter says,” I don’t know. Let’s throw something down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.” 

The first hunter says, “Hey, there’s an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we’ll throw it in and see.” 

So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst. 

While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up. “Say there,” says the farmer, “You fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?” 

The first hunter says, “Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!!”   

The old farmer said, “Naw, that’s impossible…I had him chained to a transmission.”

One Liner
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Humor – October 13

A crew of highway maintenance workers was sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing. 

As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one crew member looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway. 

Turning to a co-worker he said, “I wonder how long he’s been waiting to cross?” 

One Liner
At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?

Humor – October 12

Jimmy was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents. When she rang the bell, Jimmy answered. 

“I’d like to talk to your mother or father,” said the teacher. 

“Sorry, but they ain’t here,” he told her. 

“Jimmy!” she said, “what is it with your grammar?” 

“Beats me,” Jimmy replied, “but dad sure was mad that they had t’go bail her out again!”

One Liner
What did one autumn leaf say to another? I’m falling for you.