Category Archives: humor

Humor – July 20

Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. “I teach math there,” I explained.

The trooper smiled, and said, “Okay, here’s a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what’s her total cost?”

I replied, “Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I’d say zero.”

He handed me back my license. “Math was never my favorite subject,” he admitted. “Please slow down.”

One Liner
“Those who follow the crowd usually get lost in it.”

Thought for the day
Each of us will have to give a personal account to God. Romans 14:12 (NLT)

At the end of your life on earth you will stand before God, and he is going to evaluate how well you served others with your life.

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Humor – July 19

My pastor friend put sanitary, hot-air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks, took them out.

I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine, but when he went in there he saw a scribbled sign that read, “For a sample of this week’s sermon, push the button.”

One Liner
A young minister sitting down to dinner was about to say Grace when he opened the casserole dish that his thrifty bride had prepared from countless refrigerator leftovers.

“I don’t know,” he said dubiously. “It seems to me that we’ve blessed all this stuff before.”

Thought for the day
Jesus said, “If you insist on saving your life, you will lose it. Only those who throw away their lives for my sake and for the sake of the Good News will ever know what it means to really live.” (Mark 8:35 (LB)

We are only fully alive when we’re helping others.

Humor – July 18

A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens.

“No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.” So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens. Now the man begins to panic.

“What am I going to do?” he thinks, “I’m a goner…”

Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can’t figure out where this man is coming from, or what he’s doing, but he thinks to himself, “Maybe he can help me. If he can’t, then I’m done for.”

When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down, “Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”

The other man replies, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”

One Liner
“Everybody is liable to make mistakes, but fools practice them.”

Thought for the day
“Do all your work in love” (1 Corinthians 16:14 TEV)  

The point is, any job can be turned into worship when it is built on the model of Christ’s love; that love is expressed to co-workers, clients, and customers. Mother Teresa said, “It’s not what you do so much that matters, but how much love you put into it.”

Humor – July 17

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds.

After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

One Liner
A 104 year-old woman was being interviewed by a reporter. “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked. “No peer pressure” she responded.

Thought for the day
“The Lord reached down from above and took hold of me; he pulled me out of the deep waters” (Psalm 18:16 TEV).

No matter how deep you are, God’s love is there; he can pull you out of the deepest waters.

Humor – July 16

When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first checkup, the doctor said, “You have a cute baby.”

Smiling, I said, “I’ll bet you say that to all the new parents.”

“No,” he replied, “just to those whose babies are really cute.”

“So what do you say to the others?” I asked.

“He looks just like you.”

One Liner
The three great discoveries of humankind: fire, the wheel, and the “undo” button!

Thought for the day
Psalm 145:18 (NIV) says, “The Lord is near to all who call on him.”

He’s never too busy to talk to me.  God has no problem processing everyone’s prayer request at the same time, because He’s God.  He’s always near.  He never says, “Some other time.”

 

Humor – July 13

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, “You know, I’ve lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

“Why?” she asks.

“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I’m tired of looking for her!”

One Liner
What do you call a country, where all the cars in it are pink?
A pink carnation.

Thought for the day
If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends  Philippians 2:1-2

A church of mature believers is united in vision, living in harmony with one another, and heading in one direction to both share the gospel and walk the narrow road to heaven.

Humor – July 12

Bumping into a woman on the sidewalk, the Tom Cruise look-alike apologized, “Pardon me!”

“That’s quite all right,” the woman replied. “You look just like my fourth husband.”

“Wow!” he said. “How many times have you been married?”

She winked at him and said, “Three.”

One Liner
There is only one exceptional child in the world…and every mother has it.

Thought for the day
Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant—dog dung. I’ve dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ.  Philippians 3:8 MSG

Therefore, let us know Christ! Let us, as Paul goes on to say, strive towards the mark. Let us deny ourselves along the way. Let us lose all things along the way, but let us always strive towards the mark, the prize, which is the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. Knowing Jesus our Lord is superior to everything that is in this world. Let us know this and never lose sight of it.