Youngest son: “Hey, everybody: I went to the Army recruiter’s office today and signed up!”
Eldest son (amazed): “No way! That’s a big deal, bro.”
Middle son (dubious): “I dunno, I hear training is tough. You think you’ll make it?”
Father (misty-eyed): “I’m proud of you, Son.”
Mother (serious): “Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?”
Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
I was officiating at a wedding and during the preparations the bride and groom wanted to have two turtledoves on the altar as a symbol of their forever love. I politely said no birds or animals.
They hid the birds in a back room, anyway. Immediately after the service they went outside, each of them with a bird in its cage. They opened the cages in unison. One bird flew out and made a hard right turn. The other flew out and made a hard left turn.
We all stood there watching the symbols of their forever love fly off in opposite directions.
This “killing them with kindness” is taking way longer than I expected.
The social studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace. “How many of you,” he asked, “would say you’re opposed to war?”
Not surprisingly, all hands went up. The teacher asked, “Who’ll give us the reason for being opposed to war?”
A large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his hand.
“Alex?” The teacher said.
“I hate war,” Alex said, “because wars make history, and I hate history.”
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
A couple is watching the news. They hear that a beautiful actress is marrying an athlete who’s famous for his lack of IQ and common sense.
Husband: “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives!”
Wife: “Why thank you, dear!”
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable.
A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration. Dad takes out his cell phone and dials a number at random.
When the phone is answered he asks, “Can I speak to Roger, please?”
“No! There’s no one called Roger here.”
The person hangs up.
“That’s irritation,” says the dad.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Roger a second time. “No, there’s no one here called Roger. Go away. Don’t call again.”
“That’s aggravation,” says Dad.
“Then what’s frustration?” asks his son.
The father picks up his phone and dials a third time: “Hello, this is Roger. Have I received any phone calls?”
A prayer over leftovers: Lord, AGAIN we thank you for this food. Bless the hands that repaired it.
“So tell me, Mrs. Smith,” asked the interviewer, “have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?”
“Actually, yes,” said the applicant modestly. “Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel.”
“Very impressive,” he commented, “but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours.”
Mrs. Smith explained brightly, “Oh, but that was during office hours.”
Dont annoy pediatricians. They have little patients.
A mother and father were chatting with their 13-year-old son about his
future. The tweenager said he’d like to attend Cornell, as his parents and
other members of the family had.
Pleased with his response, they pressed on. “What would you like to take
when you attend college?” they asked the boy.
After giving it some thought and glancing around the kitchen, he replied,
“The refrigerator, if you can get along without it.”
I’m trying to learn the alphabet but I can’t get past X. I don’t know why.
(Husband) Now that I’m retired I finally have my very own Command Center!
(Wife) It looks like a lazy boy recliner, a TV remote and a half eaten bag of Cheetos on an end table to me!
(Husband) It’s a clandestine operation so don’t tell anyone!
(Wife) Don’t worry I won’t tell a soul! Just to clear things up though, is the arm chair law practice and the sports announcing gig a secret too?
Hired a handyman and gave him a list of tasks. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done. Turns out he only does odd jobs.
Patient: “Doctor, I accidentally swallowed a spoon!”
Doctor: “Okay, sit down and don’t stir.”
Every morning I announce that I’m going jogging, but then I don’t. It’s a running joke.
Just for the record, the longest drum solo was 10 hours and 26 minutes…
And it was performed by the child sitting behind me on Delta flight 963 from LA to Tokyo.
I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist. I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.