One Easter, a father was teaching his son to drive when out of nowhere a rabbit jumped on the road.
Slamming on the brakes, the son said, “I nearly ruined Easter! I almost ran over the Easter Bunny.”
His father replied, “It’s okay sonyou missed it by a hare.”
What happened to the Easter Bunny when he misbehaved at school? He was eggspelled!
I am a Senager. (Senior teenager)
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
I don’t have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don’t have a curfew.
I have a driver’s license and my own car.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don’t have acne.
Life is great.
When I was a child I thought nap time was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.
I don’t have gray hair, I have “wisdom highlights.”
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age “getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Bread is a lot like the sun. It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
A lawyer’s dog is having a great time running around the neighborhood unleashed it heads directly to the butcher shop and pilfers a roast.
The butcher heads over to the lawyer’s office and asks, “If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”
The lawyer replies, “Absolutely,” and the butcher informs him that he owes him $18.50 because his unleashed dog just stole a roast from his shop. Speechless, the lawyer, goes on to write the butcher a check for the damages.
A few days later, the butcher checks his mailbox and discovers an envelope from the lawyer. Inside the envelope is an invoice that read: “$175 due for a consultation.”
Why is it at class reunions, you always feel so much younger than everyone else looks?
When asked to define ‘great’ he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for IRS writing tax regulations.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind, it’s tearable.
REAL QUESTION AT THE CHAPSTICK HOTLINE
9. “Hi, is this the chopstick hotline?”
8. “Okay, I removed the cap. Now what?”
7. “Can I use it to highlight passages in books?”
6. “Is it safe for my kitty’s lips?”
5. “Is it true that the Chinese use these instead of forks?”
4. “I like to dress the tubes in tiny little clothes I make. Is this illegal?”
3. “Is it available in a spray?”
2. “I wrote a 22-page poem about ChapStick. Where do I send it?”
1. “I lost my ChapStick — did anyone turn it in?”
It never fails…Cashiers are always checking me out.
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, “Many years ago we made a promise to each other…the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.”
Sixty might be the new forty, but 9:00 is the new midnight.
During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my married students, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. Before she left, I asked her, “Are you okay? I noticed you were holding onto your side.”
“Oh, I’m fine,” she answered. “It’s just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little.”
“Well, that’s good,” I said, feeling genuinely relieved.
“Yeah,” she continued. “It’s strange. He normally sleeps during your class…”
When you can’t find the sunshine, be the sunshine.
On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.
The husband said, “I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no ‘I’ in the word ‘marriage.”’
The wife said, “For my part, I have never corrected my husband’s spelling.”
Having a weird mom builds character.
Teacher: “And how did you spend your summer vacation?”
Pupil: “We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota.”
Teacher: “Very good. Can you tell the class how to spell that?”
Pupil: “Actually, I think we went to Ohio.”
What does garlic do when it gets hot? It takes its cloves off.
While directing a chorus rehearsal one day, the director was waving his arms and singing right along. All of a sudden a big fly flew right into his mouth. Of course, he had to stop directing while he was spitting and sputtering, trying to get rid of it.
When he finally got it out, it landed on the floor, either wounded or dead. Someone from the back of the room yells, “Hey Will, your fly is down!”
That awkward moment when a zombie looking for brains walks past you.