Monthly Archives: March 2015

Humor – March 31

As I was assigning cabins for church camp this morning the following conversation took place between myself and a sponsor from one of the churches:

Sponsor: You need to do something about our cabin assignment, we have 27 girls and we only have 23 beds.

Me: No, ma’am, you have 46 beds.

Sponsor: No, the girls counted and we have 27 girls and only 23 beds.

Me: They’re bunk beds.

Sponsor: Oh.

One Liner
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he’ll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Thought for the day
“[L]et us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily hinders our progress ….” Hebrews 12:1b (NLT)

If you want to finish the race of life, if you want to make it to the finish line, you’re going to have to let go of some things that may be holding you back in the race. Call it de-cluttering; call it simplifying; there are some things that need to be laid aside in order to finish well.

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Humor – March 30

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?”

One Liner
“The reason they called golf “golf” was all the other 4-letter words were taken.”

Thought for the day
“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” (Psalm 51:10 NIV)

Oh God, create in me a pure heart …A heart that knows no greed when it looks upon worldly treasures, a heart that thinks of others, and not itself, a heart that argues for love instead of fairness.

Humor – March 27

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, “Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”

Little Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!”

One Liner
“You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!”

Thought for the day
“So we continue to preach Christ to each person, using all wisdom to warn and to teach everyone, in order to bring each one into God’s presence as a mature person in Christ.” (Colossians 1:28 NCV)

Spiritual growth is based on God’s Word, the first level of learning is to gain a working knowledge of the Bible. Perspective and convictions must be Bible-based.

 

Humor – March 26

A man is on his first parachute jump. He jumps out of the plane and counts, “1 2 3,” and pulls the main cord.

Nothing happens.

He pulls on his emergency cord, again nothing happens.

Looking around desperately the man notices another man flying UP into the air. He hollers to him, “Do you know anything about parachutes?”

“No!” the man going up replies. “Do you know anything about gas water heaters?”

One LINER
“I’ve been having trouble concentrating lately – I think I have that attention deficit whatever.”

Thoughts for the day
Psalm 116:7 says, “I said to myself, ‘Relax, because the LORD is going to take care of you’” (NCV). If you really trust in God, you’re going to be less stressed.

The Bible says in Proverbs 14:30, “A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones” (NIV). It’s not just what you eat that matters, it’s what eats you. You can have all the right macrobiotics and organic food, but if your body is filled with resentment, worry, fear, lust, guilt, anger, bitterness, or any other emotional disease, it’s going to shorten your life.

 

Humor – March 25

The 104-year-old building that had served as the priory and primary student residence of the small Catholic university where I work was about to be demolished. As the wrecker’s ball began to strike, I sensed the anxiety and sadness experienced by one of the older monks whose order had founded the college.

“This must be difficult to watch, Father,” I said. “The tradition associated with that building, the memories of all the students and monks who lived and worked there. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.”

“It’s worse than that,” the monk replied. “I think I left my PalmPilot in there.”

One LINER
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Thought for the day
Psalm 32:3-5: “When I refused to confess my sin, I was weak and miserable, and I groaned all day long .… My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat. Finally I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide them .… And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone” (NLT).

David internalized his guilt, and it physically affected his body. If you don’t talk out your problems, your guilt, your bitterness with God, you’re going to take it out on your body.