Monthly Archives: August 2022

Humor – August 19

A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, “Meat loaf and a kind word.”

When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, “Where’s the kind word?”

The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered, “Don’t eat the meat loaf.”

One Liner

It doesn’t matter how old you are, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

Humor – August 18

A teenage girl had been talking on her phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

“Wow!” said her father, “That was short. You usually talk for two hours or more. What happened?”

“Wrong number…” replied the girl.

One Liner

The more you weigh the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.

Humor – August 17

A mangy looking guy who goes into a restaurant and orders food. The waiter says, “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.” 

The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me the food?” 

“Deal!” replies the waiter.

The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the counter and it runs to the end, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard, and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. 

The waiter says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.” The guy downs the hamburger he ordered and asks the waiter for another. 

“Money or another miracle,” says the waiter. 

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the counter, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the counter runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. 

The guy says, “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the restaurant. 

The waiter says to the guy, “Are you crazy? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions.” 

“Not so,” says the guy, “the hamster is also a ventriloquist.”

One Liner

Bringing my dog named SHARK to the beach yesterday was probably not the best idea.

Humor – August 16

During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb.

When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him and asked, “Does your dog have a license?”

“No,” the man said, “he doesn’t need one.”

“Yes he does,” answered the officer.

“But,” said the driver, “I always do all the driving.”

One Liner

My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table. I had to get a running start, but I made it!

Humor – August 15

A dentist was about to leave his office with his golf bag on his shoulder, when the phone rang.

“Doctor,” the caller said, “I have a terrible toothache. Can I stop by your office in a few minutes?”

“Sorry,” replied the dentist, “but I have a previous appointment to fill eighteen cavities this afternoon.”

One Liner

Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.

Humor – August 12

A local pastor joined a community service club, and the members thought they would have some fun with him.

Under his name badge they printed “Hog Caller” as his occupation. Everyone made a big fanfare as the badge was presented.

The pastor responded by saying, “I usually am called the ‘shepherd of the sheep’…but you know you people better than I do.”

One Liner

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: “You stay here; I’ll go on a head.”

Humor – August 11

During an attack of laryngitis, I lost my voice completely for two days. 

To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps:

One tap meant, “Kiss me.” 

Two taps meant “Yes.” 

Seven taps meant “No.” 

Ninety-five taps meant “Take out the garbage.”

One Liner

When you die, which body part dies last? The pupils. They dilate.

Humor – August 10

 recent bride called her mother one evening in tears. “Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother’s meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it’s just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it’s the one you gave me. But it just didn’t come out right, and I’m so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong?”

Her mother replied soothingly, “Well, dear, let’s go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we’ll figure it out.”

“OK,” the bride sniffled. “Well, it starts out, ‘Take fifty cents worth of ground beef’ …”

One Liner

So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?