Lunching with a friend in a fast-food restaurant, I was telling her about a teenager who had rear-ended my car. The teen blamed me for the accident.

“She even called me every dirty name in the book!” I said.

Just then I looked over to the next table where two nine-year-old boys had apparently been paying close attention to my story.

One said to the other, “There’s a book?”

One Liner

I have one cup of coffee every morning to start the day off right. The other cups are to keep me out of jail, help me form sentences, and fuel my razor-sharp wit!

My 5-year-old: “Do trees poop?”

Me: “Of course they do, that’s how we get #2 pencils.”

One Liner

I wish I could drop off my body at the gym and come back when it’s ready.

A Swiss guy visited Sydney, Australia, and pulled up at a bus stop where two locals were waiting.

“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asked.

The two Aussies just stared at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tried. The two continued to stare.

“Parlare Italiano?”

Other than a glance at each other, there was still no response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy gave up and drove off, extremely disgusted. When he was gone, the first Aussie turned to the second and said, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”

“Why?” the other replied. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

One Liner

Overweight: Living beyond your seams.

It’s not a cat it’s…

a small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.

a wildlife control expert impersonator.

an un-programmable animal.

a four footed allergen.

a hair relocation expert.

a treat-seeking missile.

a lap-warmer with a built-in buzzer.

One Liner

People don’t come in all shapes and sizes. We’re all mostly the same shape and a couple of different sizes. Dinosaurs. Dinosaurs came in all shapes and sizes.

My son is the manager of a glass and window company and advertised in the paper for experienced glaziers.

Since a good glass man is hard to find, he was pleased when a man who called about the job said he had over 20 years of experience.

“Where have you worked as a glazier?” my son asked.

The man replied, “Dunkin’ Donuts.”

One Liner

Q:  What do you get when you mix poison ivy with a four-leaf clover? A: A rash of good luck.

“Did you tell her that what you said was in strict confidence?”

“No, I didn’t want her to think it was important enough to repeat.”

One Liner

Quoting one published author is plagiarism. Quoting many of them is research.

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. 

The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, “I was going to park there!” 

The man said, “That’s what you can do when you’re young and quick.” 

This really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. 

The young man ran back to his car and asked, “What did you do that for?” 

The little old lady smiled and told him, “That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich!”

One Liner

Sleeping when you’re not supposed to is a lot easier than sleeping when you are.

A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he noticed she had bought a new book entitled, “What 20 Million American Women Want.”

He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages.

His wife was a little annoyed. “Hey, what do you think you’re doing?”

He calmly replied, “I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right.”

One Liner

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.