Monthly Archives: May 2020

Humor – May 29

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

“I’m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.”

“Of course,” replied the patient. “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth…”

One Liner
What do you call a fish with no eyes? fsh
What do you call a fish with 10 eyes?  f-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-sh

Thought for the day
“The LORD watches over all who love him” (Psalm 145:20 NIV).

When God fills you to overflowing, you never need to fear the future. His goodness and mercy are with you every day. You’re following the Good Shepherd, and he is out in front of you with his rod and staff.

Humor – May 28

Two guys were fishing on the river.

One catches the biggest catfish either one has ever seen. He says to his buddy, “We need to remember this spot so we can come back here again.”

His buddy pulls a pen out of his pocket and makes a big ‘X’ on the bottom of his boat. The first guy looks at his buddy, shaking his head in disgust. “Seriously? What if we bring different boat next time?”

One Liner
Better living through denial.

Thought for the day
Jesus did this in teaching his disciples. John 13:14-15 says, “Since I . . . have washed your feet, you ought to wash each other’s feet. I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you” (NLT). Your kids don’t want to hear a sermon. They want to see Jesus’ example in your life.

Humor – May 27

A young woman brought her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man. The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.

“So what are your plans?” the father asked the young man.

“I am a biblical scholar,” he replied.

“A biblical scholar, hmmm?” the father said. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?”

“I will study,” the young man replied, “and God will provide for us.”

“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asked the father.

“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replied, “God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asked the father. “How will you support children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replied the fiance.

The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.

Later, the mother asked, “How did it go, honey?”

The father answered, “He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I’m God.”

One Liner
When you try to show that something doesn’t work, it will.

Thought for the day
“Your attitude must be like my own, for I, the Messiah, did not come to be served, but to serve”  Matthew 20:28 TLB

It’s our nature to want to be served. I want to be served. I want people to wait on me. I want people to do things for me. Yet the mark of a Christian is the desire to serve. The Spirit of Christ is service and giving yourself away.

Humor – May 26

A farmer had been swindled several times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:

Basic cow                                   $499.95
Shipping and handling                 35.75
Extra stomach                                79.25
Two-tone exterior                          142.10
Produce storage compartment    126.50
Heavy duty straw chopper           189.60
Four spigot/high output drain system   149.20
Automatic fly swatter                     88.50
Genuine cowhide upholstery      179.90
Deluxe dual horns                           59.25
Automatic fertilizer attachment 339.40
4 x 4 traction drive assembly     884.16
Pre-delivery wash and comb       69.80

Additional dealer adjustments:               300.00

TOTAL LIST PRICE (including options): $3143.36

One Liner
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.

Thought for the day
“Walk carefully, not as the unwise, but as wise, making the very most of your time . . . Do not be foolish and thoughtless, but understand and firmly grasp what the will of the Lord is” Ephesians 5:15-17 AMP

You don’t just drift into good things. You must be intentional. You have to set some goals and then commit to working toward them every day.

Humor – May 22

Steve phoned his dentist when he received a huge bill. “I’m shocked!”  he complained. “This is three times what you normally charge.”

“Yes, I know,” said the dentist. “But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients.”

One Liner
So I was having lunch with Bobby Fischer, the former world chess champion, and the table had a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass the salt.

Thought for the day
“We are each responsible for our own conduct”  Galatians 6:5 NLT

There are three types of people in the world: accusers, excusers, and choosers.
Accusers are people who go around blaming everybody else for their problems.

Excusers don’t blame others. They just make up excuses for why they don’t do more with their lives and why they’re not happy.

God wants you to be a chooser. He wants you to accept responsibility for your life.