NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN KEEP

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can ACTUALLY accomplish? 

Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

~ Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

~ Stop exercising. Waste of time.

~ Read less. Makes you think.

~ Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

~ Spend more time at work, checking your socials.

~ Get in a whole NEW rut!

~ Personal goal: Don’t bring back disco.

~ Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

~ Create loose ends.

~ Get more toys.

~ Get further in debt.

~ Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.

~ Focus on the faults of others.

~ Mope about your faults.

~ Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

One Liner

Aim low. Reach your goals. Avoid disappointment

AN AFTER-HOLIDAY POEM

‘Twas the month after Christmas, 
And all through the house nothing would fit me, 
Not even a blouse.
The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste at the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number! 
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared; 
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared, 
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese 
And the way I’d NEVER said, “No thank you, please.”

As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt 
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt
I said to myself, as I only can “You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!”

So, away with the last of the sour cream dip, 
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip 
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished 
‘Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won’t have a cookie – not even a lick.
I’ll only chew on a long celery stick.
I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, 
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore.
But isn’t that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

One Liner

Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.

A man went to the doctor and said: “Doctor, I keep having visions of the future.”

“When did these start?”

“Next Thursday.”

One Liner

Kids today have it easy.  When I was a kid there was no Cartoon Network; we got cartoons on Saturday morning.  D’ya hear what I’m saying?!  We had to wait ALL WEEK!!

Gina was taking an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?”

“Aha, you’ll know tonight,” answered Max smiling broadly.

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Gina and handed her a small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly.

There in her hand rested a book entitled: “The Meaning of Dreams.”

One Liner

Christmas might be over, but not the core values we exercise in it. So don’t let go of the kindness, sharing God’s grace, and love shared between friends and family.