Humor – April 9

While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.

“What are they doing?” I asked our tour guide.

“Each year,” he replied with a grin, “The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish this courtyard.”

“So what’s the answer?” my friend asked him when we were out of earshot of the freshmen.

The guide replied simply, “One.”

One Liner
I don’t run, and if you ever see me running, you should run too because something is probably chasing me.

Humor – April 8

The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: “I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.”

He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word “mongooses.” Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: “I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.”

Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. “Everyone knows no fully stocked zoo should be without a mongoose,” he typed. “Please send us two of them.”

One Liner
If fortunetellers know the future, how come it’s so difficult to find a happy medium? 

Humor – April 7

As the manager of our hospital’s softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season.

When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area.

“Look, honey,” one man said to his wife. “Here comes your anesthesiologist.”

One Liner
Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund. 

Humor – April 6

The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles as a fund raiser. One ambitious but nervous young man knocked on a door and a sour-faced woman came to the door:

She: “What do you want, Sonny?”

He: “D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, M-m-m-ma’am?”

She: “Well! Do I look like the kind of lady who would drink beer?”

He: “S-s-sorry, Ma’am … W-w-what about vinegar bottles?” 

One Liner
The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever deal with watches you from the mirror every morning.

Humor – April 5

A tourist stopped a local in a village he was visiting and asked, “What is the quickest way to the lake?” 

The local thought for a while. “Are you walking or driving?” he asked the tourist. 

“I’m driving.”

“That’s the quickest way.”

One Liner
When all you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.

Humor – April 2

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large
suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they
were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they
would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. 

Bill said to Jim and Scott, “Let’s break the monotony of this unpleasant
task by concentrating on something interesting. I’ll tell jokes for 25
flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad
stories the rest of the way.” 

At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. 

At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. 

“I will tell my saddest story first,” he said. “I left the room key in the
car.”

One Liner
What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing
it?

Humor – April 1

A little boy in a store had been pawing over a stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked, “Just what is it you’re looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend, anniversary or a congratulations to your mom and dad?”

The boy shook his head and answered, “Got any like a blank report card?”

One Liner
Instead of cleaning the house, I just turn off the lights.