Humor – June 26

I was working as a short-order cook at two restaurants in the same neighborhood. On a Saturday night, I was finishing up the dinner shift at one restaurant and hurrying to report to work at the second place, but I was delayed because one table kept sending back an order of hash browns, insisting they were cold. I replaced them several times, but still the customers were dissatisfied.

When I was able to leave, I raced out the door and arrived at my second job. A server immediately handed me my first order.

“Make sure these hash browns are hot,” she said, “because these people just left a restaurant down the street that kept serving them cold ones.”

One Liner
My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately, that when I pee it cleans the toilet!

Thought for the day
“Since only your rules can give me wisdom and understanding, no wonder I hate every false teaching.”  Psalm 119:104 TLB

The only way to really know what’s fake is to know what’s real.

Humor – June 25

Earl knocked on the front door, which was answered by Shirley.

“Is Bud in?” he asked.

Shirley didn’t like Earl, Bud’s friend, so she wasn’t friendly.

“Yes, but he’s in the shower. What do you want?”

“Oh, nothing, Shirley. How ya doing?”

“As I said, what do you want?”

Earl wasn’t deterred by her chilliness. “You know, Shirley,” he said, “I’ve wanted to do something for a long time.”

“What’s that?” Shirley asked, with an icy stare.

“I’ve wanted to give you a kiss,” he said, “and this seems to be a good opportunity. I’ll give you $100 for a kiss on the lips. How about it?”

“You’ll pay me $100 for a kiss on the lips?” Shirley asked him.

“Yes,” and he pulled out a 100-dollar bill and gave it to her.

“I knew you were a loser, Earl, but I didn’t know you were so desperate. Okay, I’ll do it.” She looked up and down the street to see that nobody was looking and she leaned over and gave Earl a nice, little kiss on his lips.

“Oh, that was good,” Earl said. “But I have another proposition. How about a real kiss with your arms wrapped around my neck? I’ll pay you $400 this time.”

Shirley didn’t want to go through this again, especially with Earl, but she knew she could use the money.

She considered the proposition for a moment and then said, “Okay. I’ll do it but I want the cash first.”

“Sure,” Earl told her. “Here you are.” He handed her four 100-dollar bills, puckered up, and closed his eyes with anticipation.

Shirley, not wanting to fulfil her promise but wanting the easy money, then wrapped her arms around Earl’s neck and planted one of the best kisses on his lips that she’d ever given any man.

“Wow, that was great,” Earl told her. “Thanks, Shirley. Tell Bud I dropped by.” With that, he walked away.

After tucking the money into her pocket, Shirley walked into the kitchen where she met Bud, who asked her, “Who was that at the door?”

“It was your friend, Earl,” she told him.

“I wish I had answered the door,” Bud said. “That guy owes me $500.”

One Liner
This time last month, we were upset because the pizza delivery was five minutes late.

Thought for the day
Joshua 1:8 says of God’s Word, “Never stop reciting these teachings. You must think about them night and day so that you will faithfully do everything written in them. Only then will you prosper and succeed”  GW

God’s not a liar. This is his promise to you. If you want to be successful and prosperous in life, study his Word continuously.

Humor – June 24

A pastor goes to a nursing home for the first time to visit an elderly parishioner.

As he is sitting there, he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they continue their conversation, he can’t help himself and eats one after another.

By the time they are through visiting, the bowl is empty. He says, “Mrs. Jones, I’m so sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts.”

“That’s okay,” she says. “They would have just sat there anyway. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back in the bowl.”

One Liner
On dating app: “Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.”

Thought for the day
“Then Daniel went home and told his friends Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah what had happened. He urged them to ask the God of heaven to show them his mercy by telling them the secret, so they would not be executed along with the other wise men of Babylon”  Daniel 2:17-18 NLT

Daniel realized this was a big request. The kingdom hung in the balance. The king wasn’t thinking clearly. He was about to kill everyone on his court! So Daniel got his prayer team going.

You don’t need a lot of people as part of your prayer team. But you do need four or five friends who will pray with you in times just like these.

Humor – June 23

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.

She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?”

The Mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t, dear,” she said. “I have to sleep with Daddy.”

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.”

One Liner
On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Thought for the day
“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ”  Galatians 6:2 NIV

You don’t have to share your feelings with everybody, but you do need to have one person you can confide in. Someone you can go to and say, “Hey, can I just tell you how I’m really feeling right now?” This is someone who will listen, share in your pain and frustration, and then help you move forward.

Humor – June 22

A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, “I don’t think that’s going to help.”

“Sure it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

One Liner
Have you noticed? All those instruments that are seeking intelligent life in the universe — telescopes, radio antennas, cameras, detectors — they’re all pointed away from Earth.

Thought for the day
“God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners”  Romans 5:8 NLT.

Everything that Jesus did for you, he did out of love. The Bible says that God made you to love you. The only reason you’re alive is because you were made to be loved by God.

Humor – June 19

A new prisoner is placed in his cell. Before long it is time for “lights out” and the cellblock becomes dark and nearly silent.

Eventually a voice from the darkness cries out: “Twenty-two!” and everyone breaks out into raucous laughter. A while later another voice calls out “Forty-one!” and again the entire cellblock hoots and roars.
The new prisoner asks the guy in the next cell: “What’s going on?”

The guy says: “We’ve been here so long, we all know each other’s jokes.  So we assigned numbers to them, and when we want to tell a joke we just use the number.”

The new prisoner decides to give it a try. He calls out: “Eighteen!”

No response whatsoever … not even a snicker.

The guy in the next cell says: “Some people just don’t know how to tell a joke.”

One Liner
Can a person be chalant?

Thought for the day
“There is no condemnation now for those who live in union with Christ Jesus” Romans 8:1 TEV

God knows that failure is part of life. He doesn’t expect us to be perfect. He’s not surprised when we mess up. In fact, he sent Jesus to clean up our mess. He didn’t send him to point an accusing finger.

Humor – June 18

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications he waited anxiously for the outcome.

The employer read all his applications and said, “We have an opening for people like you.”

“Oh, great,” the man said, “What is it?”

“It’s called the door.”

One Liner
“Nothing is impossible”? Try slamming a revolving door.

Thoughts for the day
“The things you have heard me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable people who will also be qualified to teach others” (2 Timothy 2:2 NIV).

If you want the special blessing of God on your life, you need to learn from other believers who are more mature than you, and you need to mentor believers who are younger than you.