Humor – December 3

Pet Pet-Peeves

1. Dog: “They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl.”

2. Goldfish: “Just because I have a three-second memory, they don’t think I’ll mind eating the same fish flakes … Oh boy! Fish flakes!”

3. Cat: “Sharpen claws on one stinking curtain and it’s curtains.”

4. Parrot: “Tease, tease, tease — but do those greedy humans ever really give me a cracker?”

5. Cat: “Why are these people in my house?”

6. Dog: “What the … HEY!!! I didn’t even sign a consent form for that surgery. Help, Legal Council!!!!”

7. Goldfish: “Oh, tap-tap-tap! *There’s* a new one!”

One Liner
Computers are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open Windows.

Thought for the day
Galatians 6:9 says, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (NIV).

This is the law of the harvest: There is always a delay between sowing and reaping. You plant in one season, and you reap in another. God wants to see if you’re going to keep cultivating, planting, and sowing. If he sees consistency in your life, then the harvest will come.


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Humor – November 30

WHY MEN ARE SO COOL:

– Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 
– We know stuff about tanks. 
– A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. 
– We can open our own jars. 
– We don’t have to learn to spell a new last name. 
– We get extra credit for the slightest of thoughtfulness. 
– Wedding plans take care of themselves. 
– One who forgets to invite you to something can still be our friend. 
– Our underwear is $10 for a three-pack. 
– If you’re 34 and single, nobody notices. 
– Everything on our face stays the same color. 
– We can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat. 
– Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. 
– We don’t have to clean the apartment if the meter reader comes. 
– Car mechanics tell us the truth. 
– We can quietly watch a ball game with a buddy for hours without ever thinking: “He must be mad at me.” 
– Wedding dress – $2000. Tuxedo rental – $80. 
– We can drop by a friend without having to bring a little gift. 
– If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, we just might become lifelong friends. 
– Our friends can be trusted to never trap us with: “So, do you notice anything different?” 
– We are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. 
– We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes. 
– The same hairstyle will last for years, maybe decades. 
– We don’t have to shave below our neck. 
– Our belly usually hides our big hips. 
– We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. 
– Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes. 

 

One Liner
There are only 10 types of people in the world: those that understand binary and those that don’t.

Thought for the day

“Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior” (Habakkuk 3:17-18 NIV).

Gratitude develops your faith when times are tough — when things don’t make sense, when you can’t figure it out, when your prayers are unanswered, when life stinks, when everything is going the way you didn’t want it to go.

 

Humor – November 29

One Sunday morning at a small southern church, the new pastor called on one of his older deacons to lead in the opening prayer.

The deacon stood up, bowed his head and said, “Lord, I hate buttermilk.”

The pastor opened one eye and wondered where this was going.

The deacon continued, “Lord, I hate lard.”

Now the pastor was totally perplexed.

The deacon continued, “Lord, I ain’t too crazy about plain flour. But after you mix ’em all together and bake ’em in a hot oven, I just love biscuits.”

He paused, “Lord help us to realize when life gets hard, when things come up that we don’t like, whenever we don’t understand what You are doing, that we need to wait and see what You are making.
After you get through mixing and baking, it’ll probably be something even better than biscuits.” Amen.

One Liner
Happiness comes through doors you didn’t even know you left open.

Thought for the day
“Rest in the Lord; wait patiently for him to act. . . . Don’t fret and worry — it only leads to harm” (Psalm 37:7-8 TLB).

Resting can be an act of faith. It means you’re waiting on God.


Humor – November 28

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2018 WHEN…

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You email the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have email addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic, and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 🙂
12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.

One Liner
If you think you know something, find someone who disagrees and listen to them.

Thought for the day
“God can do much, much more than anything we can ask or imagine” (Ephesians 3:20 NCV).

When we want God to answer our prayers, we must be willing to not only let God answer whenever he thinks is best but also however he thinks is best. God’s ways are always better and bigger and higher.

 

Humor – November 27

Dear Abby,
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
Sam

Dear Sam,
Yes. Run for public office.

One Liner
Every baseball team could use a man who plays every position perfectly, never strikes out and never makes an error. The trouble is, there’s no way to make him lay down his hot dog and come down out of the stands.

Thought for the day
“It is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose” (Philippians 2:13 NIV).

When we want God’s direction for our lives, we should get our desires out of the way so that we can honestly say, “God, I’m willing to go either way — whatever you want is what I want.”