Humor – January 8

THE KNOTS PRAYER

Dear God,

Please untie the knots

that are in my mind,

my heart and my life.

Remove the have nots,

the can nots and the do nots

that I have in my mind.

Erase the will nots,

may nots, and

might nots that find

a home in my heart.

Release me from the could nots,

would nots and should nots

that obstruct my life.

And most of all, dear God,

I ask that you remove from my mind

my heart and my life all of the am nots

that I have allowed to hold me back,

especially the thought

that I am not good enough.

Amen.

One Liner
The greatest thing about Grace is that it makes life not fair

Thought for the day
“By helping each other with your troubles, you truly obey the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2 NCV).

What is the law of Christ? It’s this: Love your neighbor as yourself. The Bible commands us to help each other. Every time you help somebody who’s going through pain, you are fulfilling the law of Christ.

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Humor – January 5

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”

One LINER
“Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.”
~ Douglas MacArthur

Thought for the day
“Honor the Lord with your wealth and with the best part of everything you produce” (Proverbs 3:9 NLT).

God promises to meet all your financial needs, if you (1) ask him for help; (2) learn to be content; and (3) practice giving in faith.

Humor – January 4

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.

When returning to her car she found that she had locked her keys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter, she didn’t know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do.

The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse. She said, “You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door”.

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, “I don’t know how to use this.”

So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, “Great, God. This is what you sent to help me????” But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help.

She said “Yes, my daughter is very sick……I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car, I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car.”

He said, “SURE”. He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, “THANK YOU SO MUCH….. You are a very nice man.”

The man replied, “Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour.”

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud…..

“THANK YOU, GOD, FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL.”

One Liner
A new years resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
– Anonymous

Thought for the day
Mark 8:16-17, “His followers discussed the meaning of this, saying, ‘He said this because we have no bread.’ Knowing what they were talking about, Jesus asked them, ‘Why are you talking about not having bread? Do you still not see or understand? Are your minds closed?’”

Jesus was trying to teach the disciples a lesson about life, and they thought he was talking about lunch! He was talking about the need for maturity, and they were talking about their next meal. That’s short-term thinking.

 

 

Humor – January 3

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which he was most at ease.

“Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” she asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”

“Nothing is easier,” he replied. “You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.”

“What sort of question?”

“Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’ ”

The hostess thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.”

One Liner
“The most enjoyable way to follow a vegetable diet is to let the cow eat it, and then eat the cow.”

Thought for the day
To God be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus for all time, forever and ever! Amen” (Ephesians 3:21 TEV).

You can show God’s glory by joining a family of God in 2018.


 

Humor – January 2

‘Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste,
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared,
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared.

The bread and the cheese,
And the way I’d never said, “No thank you, please.”

As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt,
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt.

I said to myself, as I only can,
“You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!”

So–away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,
‘Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won’t have a cookie–not even a lick,
I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore,
But isn’t that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot,
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

One Liner
One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To rise above the little things.

Thought for the day
“Let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up” (Galatians 6:9 NLT).

In the waiting room of life, you can choose to trust God instead of panicking. You also need to remember two things: One, God is never in a hurry. And two, God is never late. God’s timing is always perfect.