A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.
She rattles off, “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s wrong with me, Doctor?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says,
“Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight!”
If your outgo exceeds your income, then your upkeep will be your downfall.
An airhead driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. The airhead remembered what had said: “If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.”
Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and started to follow it, for about forty-five minutes.
Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked what happened. The airhead explained what Dad said.
The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m done with the Walmart parking lot. Do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?”
I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
Here’s hoping there is no one like this at your workplace.
Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money.
The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars.
Well, this day was a total waste of make-up!
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him, “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.”
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”
But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”
Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, “You brought pavement?!?!”
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him.
“Sir, what is the secret of your long life?” The man considered this for a moment, then replied “Every day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I’ve heard.”
The reporter replied, “That’s ALL?”
The man smiled, “That, and canceling my voyage on Titanic.”
When a woman says, “What?” it’s not because she didn’t hear you.
She is giving you a chance to change what you said…
ADVICE FROM AN OLD FARMER
~ Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
~ It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
~ You can’t unsay a cruel word.
~ Every path has a few puddles.
~ When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
~ The best sermons are lived, not preached.
~ Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.
Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown ……. Ever noticed that all our problems start with MEN?
ADVICE FROM AN OLD FARMER
~ Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
~ Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
~ Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
~ A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
~ Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled.
~ Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.
I’m tired of reality — I want a fairy godmother!
An old man, because of his grumpy miserly ways, had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and minister to gather around his bedside.
“I have always heard you can’t take it with you, but I am going to prove you can,” he said. “I have $90,000 in cash under my mattress. It’s in three envelopes of $30,000 each. I want each of you to take one envelope now and just before they throw the dirt on me, you throw the envelopes in.”
The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope into the grave.
On the way back from the cemetery, the minister said, “I don’t feel exactly right. I’m going to confess. I needed $10,000 badly for a new church we’re building, so I took out $10,000 and threw only $20,000 in the grave.”
The doctor said, “I, too, must confess. I am building a hospital and took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000.”
The lawyer said, “Gentlemen, I’m surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don’t see how you could hold out that money. I threw in my personal check for the full amount.”
What steps should you take if you ever come across a dangerous animal in the wilderness? Very large ones.