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Humor – November 10

Johnny: “Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?”

Teacher: “Why, of course not.”

Johnny: “Good, ’cause I didn’t do my homework.”

 

One Liner
Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

Thought for the day
“Never be ashamed to tell others about our Lord . . . With the strength God gives you, be ready to suffer with me for the sake of the Good News” (2 Timothy 1:8 NLT).

Standing up for God when you’re afraid isn’t just the right thing to do.

It also builds your faith and your character

Humor – November 9

When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.

“We get so many applicants,” she boasted, “because of the stature of the school.”

After the tour I asked our guide, “So, why did you choose this school?”

“Oh,” she replied matter-of-factly, “my boyfriend goes here.”

One Liner
A lot of pessimists get that way from financing optimists.

Thought for the day
“You are his successor, O Belshazzar, and you knew all this, yet you have not humbled yourself” (Daniel 5:22 NLT).

God won’t teach you something new until you’ve put into practice what he’s already taught you

Humor – November 8

On a visit to New York, an Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn’t notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman: “You see how clever we are? You’ll never beat that!”

The Scotsman says to the Englishman: “Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman.”

He says to the baker, “Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!”

The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker: “Give me another cookie for my magic trick.”

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

Then he says again: “Give me one more cookie…”

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: “And where is your famous magic trick?”

The Scotsman says: “Look in the Englishman’s pocket!”

One Liner
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Thought for the day
Philippians 1:14: “Most of the brothers in the Lord have gained confidence from my imprisonment and dare even more to speak the message fearlessly” (HCSB).

Paul’s imprisonment for the Gospel led to others demonstrating more boldness.

God will use your courage, too, to help others respond with courage.

Humor – November 7

Signs You’re Getting Too Old To Drive…

– You think an SUV might be too small to be safe.

– It takes more than four minutes to get out of your car.

– When backing into a parking spot, you just back up until you hear something.

– It scares you to drive the speed limit.

– The only thing you pass on the road anymore is the Amish.

– You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep.

– You use cruise control at 25 mph.

– You inquired if the dealership could install magnifying glass for the windshield.

– Your turn signal has been on since 2003.

– Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower.

One Liner
Every evening I turn my troubles over to God. He’s going to be up all night anyway.

Thought for the Day
“Reverence for God adds hours to each day” (Proverbs 10:27 LB).

Do you ever get to the end of your day and think, “Did I accomplish anything?”
Where does all the time go?
If you don’t master your schedule, it will master you!

Humor – November 6

A man was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day. Then eat regularly again for two days, then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds.”

When the man returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 pounds!

“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?”

The man nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day.”

“From the hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from the skipping.”

One Liner
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Thought for the Day
Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong.  I Corinthians 10:13

Man Up!!
Paul offers up a series of concise commands here to the Corinthian church in closing the letter. They need vigilance, not apathy. Faithful resolve, not vacillation. Strength (no doubt God’s strength), not to rely on (human) weakness. Consistent love, not selfishness or hardened hearts.