Humor – November 23

SIGNS YOU OVERDID IT THIS THANKSGIVING

~ Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the recliner.

~ You get grass stains on your behind after a walk, but never sat down.

~ You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your email.

~ You set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog Friday.

~ Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.

~ You have 5 TV sets side-by-side to catch all the football games.

~ Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.

~ Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this.

One Liner

Thanksgiving is great because people tend to speak less when food is lodged in their mouths. 

Humor – November 22

  • Did you hear about the sad cranberry? It was actually a blueberry.
  • What did one smitten pumpkin say to the other? I only have pies for you. 
  • What’s the best thing to put in pumpkin pie? Your teeth! 
  • Why was everyone grouchy after drinking the apple cider? It was made of crab apples!

    One Liner

    What’s a good author to read out at the Thanksgiving table? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.

Humor – November 21

  • “What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day?” “Quack, Quack!”
  • “Why did the farmer have to separate the chicken and the turkey?” “He sensed fowl play.”
  • “What key has legs and can’t open a door?” “A turkey.”

    One Liner
    “Why did they let the turkey join the band?” “Because he had his own drumsticks.”

Humor – November 18

While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son.

Mom couldn’t help laughing as they neared their destination and she heard the mother say to the boy, “Now remember — run to Dad first, then the dog.”

One Liner

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat and you could tell she thought the cat understood every word. I came back home and told my dog. We got a big laugh out of that.

Humor – November 17

A parts manager for a small tool repair shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead.

Furious at the factory’s incompetence, he promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind.

Less than a week later, he received the same part back with a letter containing just four words: “TURN THE PART OVER.”

One Liner

A kiss is a pleasant reminder that two heads are better than one.

Humor – November 16

At my granddaughter’s wedding reception, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and me!

The DJ asked us, “What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?”

I said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.'”

Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, “She’s probably right.”

One Liner

I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

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Humor – November 15

Teacher: If you have 10 muffins and your friend takes 2 of them, how many muffins would you have left?

Me: 10

Teacher: Okay, let me try again. You have 10 muffins. What if your friend takes 2 of your muffins, how many would you have left?

Me: Still 10 muffins… and 1 injured friend.

One Liner

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

Humor – November 14

he teacher asked her students, “Who can tell me what the ruler of Russia was called?”

“Czar,” the class replied in unison.

“Correct. And what was his wife called?”

“Czarina,” the class replied.

“Good! And what were his children called?”

A timid voice piped up, “Czardines?”

One Liner

Telling a person to calm down is about like baptizing a cat.