Humor – September 14

Real Estate Agent: “This house has its good points and its bad points. The disadvantages are a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north.”

Prospective Buyer: “Yikes. What are the advantages?”

Agent: “You can always tell which way the wind is blowing.”

One Liner
I wonder what my dog named me.

Humor – September 13

A dog was so clever that his owner sent him to college. Home for vacation, the dog admitted he had learned neither history nor science, but added proudly, “I did make a good start in foreign languages.”

“Okay,” replied the owner, “say something in a foreign language.”

The dog said, “Meow!”

One Liner
Saying “Have a nice day” sounds friendly. But saying “Enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.

Humor – September 10

A woman is worried about an older woman, a widow, who lives in the apartment next door. She hasn’t heard anything from her for a few days.

So she tells her son, “I want you to go next door and see how ol’ Mrs. Williams is.”

A few minutes later, the boy returns.

“Well, is she all right?” the mother asks.

“She’s fine, but she’s annoyed with you,” he says.

“At me? Whatever for?”

“Well,” says her son, “Mrs. Williams told me it’s none of your business how old she is.”

One Liner
Putting paper in a folder stops it from folding.

Humor – September 9

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display.

“Well, I have good news and bad news,” the owner responded. “The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings.”

“That’s wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”

“The gentleman was your doctor.” 

One Liner
In my defense, I was left unsupervised.

Humor – September 8

Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch. She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and a guest volunteered to answer it. Becky’s face dropped as the guest called out, “It’s the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out.”

One Liner
“A letter carrier career is a mail dominated profession.”

Humor – September 7

Sunday School Teacher: “Now Little Johnny, I want you to memorize today’s motto, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.”

Little Johnny: “Yes ma’am, but I know it already. My father says he has always used that as his motto in his business.”

Teacher: “Oh, how noble of him! And what is his business?”

Little Johnny: “He’s a boxer.”

One Liner
If money talks, my wallet is whispering.