Humor – September 12

Because of an ear infection, my young son, Casey, had to go to the pediatrician. I was impressed with the way the doctor directed his comments and questions to my son.

When he asked Casey, “Is there anything you are allergic to?” Casey nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to me. Without looking at it, I tucked it into my purse.

Later, the pharmacist filled the order, remarking on the unusual food drug interaction my son must have. When he saw my puzzled expression, he showed me the label on the bottle.

As per the doctor’s instructions, it read: “Do not take with broccoli.”

One Liner
I like waiters: they bring a lot to the table.

Thought for the day
Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2 NLT).

If sensitivity to others’ needs begins with your eyes, then sympathy for their hurt begins with your ears. You have to learn to listen! The better listener you become, the more sympathetic you will be.

 

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Humor – September 11

Dear God,

So far today, I’ve done all right.
I haven’t gossiped.
I haven’t lost my temper.
I haven’t lied or cheated.
I haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent.

I’m very thankful for that.
But in a few minutes, Lord,
I’m going to get out of bed;
and from then on,
I’m probably going to need a lot more help.

Amen.

One Liner
All the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth.

Thought for the day
“You must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength” Mark 12:30 NLT

Another way to say this is, love God with all your talk, all your feelings, all your thinking, and all of your acting.

Humor – September 10

Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit.  Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother’s delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way.

Later, I was stopped by another trooper.
“What have I done?” I asked.
“Nothing,” the trooper said, smiling. “I heard you were passing out great chocolate-chip cookies.”

One Liner
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

Thought for the day
“Peter came to him and asked, ‘Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?’ ‘No, not seven times,’ Jesus replied, ‘but seventy times seven!’” Matthew 18:21-22

Forgiveness is rarely a one-time event. So how often do you have to keep releasing your right to get even?

Until you stop feeling the hurt — then you’ll know you’ve forgiven that person.

 

 

Humor – September 7

5 Signs that scientists have gone too far with genetically modified food:

– Your hot dog just fetched its own ketchup and relish.

– You spot the tell-tale signs of a primitive central nervous system in your Jell-O.

– Chocchini: looks like zucchini, tastes like a Ding Dong.

– The black-eyed peas on your fork just winked at you.

– Every time you pour a glass of orange juice, your garage door goes up.

One Liner
Selfishness and love are forever opposed to each other.

Thought for the day
“Let us run with patience the particular race that God has set before us” Hebrews 12:1b

When you start to get concerned about something God is doing in another person’s life and envy starts to build, focus on the plan God has for your life. Don’t get distracted — center in on God’s will for your life.



Humor – September 6

My cousin worked on the Alaska pipeline as a welder. He said helicopters were a big help in covering the rugged ground.

I’ve never forgotten a story he told about being in the communications room of one of the base camps when a call came in. A panicked voice called to request another helicopter be sent up to the forward work camp.

A supervisor happened to drop in and heard the conversation between the dispatcher and the mechanic. He got on the radio to ask the mechanic on the other end why they need another helicopter.

The obviously harried mechanic paused before transmitting his reply, then said vaguely, “Well, the one we have won’t fly.”

The frustrated supervisor pressed the question, “Why won’t it fly.”

After a long pause came another reluctant response, “Well, I say it won’t fly because it’s upside down. The pilot says it won’t fly because it’s under twenty feet of water.”

One Liner
I hate when old people say tattoos are a waste of money; like, okay Marion, you have a cabinet of expensive plates people aren’t allowed to use.

Thought for the day
“Friend, I didn’t cheat you. I paid you exactly what we agreed on. . . . What business is it of yours if I want to pay them the same that I paid you? Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money?” Matthew 20:13-15a

When it looks like God’s blessing somebody in a way that he’s not blessing you, relax and trust God. Believe that he knows what’s best for you, and trust him when life seems unfair.