Monthly Archives: June 2018

Humor – June 29

Looking over the log book kept by the computer support staff at my office, I noticed several entries stating the problem was PICNIC.

I asked one of the technicians what PICNIC meant.

He laughed as he told me it meant “Problem In Chair, Not In Computer.”

One Liner
“Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”

Thought for the day
It is he who saved us and chose us for his holy work, not because we deserved it but because that was his plan. (2 Timothy 1:9 LB)

You were saved to serve God. The apostle John taught that our loving service to others shows that we are truly saved.

Humor – June 28

I haven’t checked to see if this actually works or not . . .

but they say that if you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked, you should sniff some Windex first.

It’ll keep you from streaking!

One Liner
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire when you can’t start a camp fire with a whole book of matches?

Thought for the day
“Keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years and bring you prosperity.” Proverbs 3:1-2 (NIV)

God says, “If you do what I tell you to do with your health, you will enjoy a long life.”

Humor – June 27

Friend: “I suppose you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?”

Woman: “Yes, it’s a lock of my husband’s hair.”

Friend: “But your husband is still alive.”

Woman: “I know, but his hair is gone.”

One Liner
How can there be self-help groups?

Thought for the day
Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. (John 4:23) 

It pleases Him when you worship Him in spirit and truth. He wants your spirit to communicate with His Spirit. And, He wants you to worship Him based on the truth about Him that is revealed in the Bible.

Humor – June 26

An anthropologist went to study a far-flung tropical island.  He found a guide with a canoe to take him upriver to the remote site where he would make his observations.  About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. The anthropologist asked his guide, “What are those drums?”

The guide turned to him and said, “Drums okay, but VERY BAD when they stop.”

As they traveled the drums grew louder and louder.  The anthropologist was nervous, but the guide merely repeated, “Drums okay. Drums not bad.  When drums stop, then very bad!”

Then the drums suddenly stopped.  Terrified, the anthropologist yelled to the guide: “The drums stopped!  What now?”

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, “Guitar solo.”

One Liner
“An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have – the older she gets the more interested he is in her.”

Thought for the day
“Bring all the tithes into the storehouse …”. Malachi 3:10  

That means the place where you worship.

Humor – June 25

911 Caller: “Help! My wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart!”

911 Operator: “Is this her first child?”

911 Caller: “Of course not, you idiot! This is her husband!”

When things seem easy to do, it’s because you haven’t followed all the instructions.

Thought for the day
The Lord blessed the last part of Job’s life even more than he had blessed the first” (Job 42:12 GNT).

Job went through all this hurt, but in spite of that, God blessed the last part of Job’s life even more than the first. It doesn’t matter who’s hurt you or how long you’ve been hurt or how deeply you’ve been hurt. God can make the rest of your life the best of your life if you’re willing to forgive and let go of resentment and release the offender.

Humor – June 22

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.”   He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”

The jury foreman replied: “Oh, we did look, but your client didn’t.”

Why is there no egg in eggplant, no ham in hamburgers, and neither apple nor pine in pineapple?

Thought for the day 
It is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. Ephesians 2:8-9

Don’t you love gifts! The greatest gift we’ve ever received had nothing to do with our efforts. It is a gift from God. We didn’t earn it, deserve it, or purchase it. God gave it through his sacrificial gift so our salvation would not be our boast, but his kindness.

Humor – June 21

“Computer Repair”

An office technician got a call from a computer user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that her computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

He told her, “Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I’ll fix it for you.”

About ten minutes later she showed up at his door… with the electrical cord in her right hand.

“Today is the first day of the rest of your life but so was yesterday and look how you messed that up.”

Thought for the day 
Have not I commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.  Joshua 1:9

Never alone. What a promise. God will go with us, through all the seasons of life, through all our ups and downs, through temptations and triumphs, even through death.