While walking in the park one day, I was taking in the beautiful lake, blooming flowers, and just enjoying the oversized wide path that I could walk on but on which people could also jog, run their dogs or ride their bikes.
As I was coming down a hill, I saw an older woman coming toward me, pushing a stroller with two toddlers in it. Were coming to a hill, the presumable grandmother said to the children, so youll have to help me are you ready?
I wondered how those little toddlers would be of any assistance, but as I passed them, I heard them earnestly repeating: I think I can, I think I can…
I, for one, like Roman numerals.
Five things you don’t want to hear from Tech Support:
1. “Duuuuuude! Bummer!”
2. “In layman’s terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.”
3. “Your problem can be fixed, but you’re going to need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery.”
4. “Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you’re with ’60 Minutes.’ Press 3 if you’re with the FTC.”
5. “Hold on a second, please … Mom! Timmy’s hitting me!”
I avoid clichés like the plague.
A burglar broke into the home of a good Quaker gentleman.
From upstairs, the Quaker heard the noises below and realized there was an intruder.
He took his hunting rifle to the top of the stairs and announced: “Friend, I mean to do thee no harm, but where thou standest is where I am about to shoot.”
Don’t just tell me I’m burning the candle at both ends — tell me where to get more wax!!
While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.
“What are they doing?” I asked our tour guide.
“Each year,” he replied with a grin, “The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish this courtyard.”
“So what’s the answer?” my friend asked him when we were out of earshot of the freshmen.
The guide replied simply, “One.”
I don’t run, and if you ever see me running, you should run too because something is probably chasing me.
The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: “I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.”
He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word “mongooses.” Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: “I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.”
Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. “Everyone knows no fully stocked zoo should be without a mongoose,” he typed. “Please send us two of them.”
If fortunetellers know the future, how come it’s so difficult to find a happy medium?
As the manager of our hospital’s softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season.
When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area.
“Look, honey,” one man said to his wife. “Here comes your anesthesiologist.”
Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.
The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles as a fund raiser. One ambitious but nervous young man knocked on a door and a sour-faced woman came to the door:
She: “What do you want, Sonny?”
He: “D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, M-m-m-ma’am?”
She: “Well! Do I look like the kind of lady who would drink beer?”
He: “S-s-sorry, Ma’am … W-w-what about vinegar bottles?”
The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever deal with watches you from the mirror every morning.
A tourist stopped a local in a village he was visiting and asked, “What is the quickest way to the lake?”
The local thought for a while. “Are you walking or driving?” he asked the tourist.
“Thats the quickest way.”
When all you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.