All posts by mikeshumor

About mikeshumor

Michael May is the blogger of #mikeshumor. He is a Christ follower, husband, dad, XPastor, cyclist, cereal connoisseur, former Meridian Star paperboy. I would unfollow myself if I could. Roll Tide!

Humor – December 2

HOME REMEDIES 

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed. 

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. 

4. High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for awhile, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. 

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button. 

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. 

7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.

One Liner
A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

Humor – December 1

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”
 
    Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?” 

One Liner
A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets. Her new teacher asked her what the bracelet was for. 

She replied, “I’m allergic to nuts and eggs.” 
The teacher asked, “Are you allergic to cats?” 
 The girl replied, “I don’t know….. I don’t eat cats.” 

Humor – November 30

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks.

If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up.

Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist. 

Just to see what would happen, on the twins’ birthday their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. 

The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found  him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

“Why are you crying?” the father asked.

“Because my friends will be jealous, and I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff. I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken,” answered the pessimistic twin.

Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure.

“What are you so happy about?” he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

One Liner
I tried working in a wheel factory, but I got too tired.

Humor – November 26

THINGS TO DO TO LIVEN UP THANKSGIVING DINNER 

1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your “shake” back to the table. Announce that it’s the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake. 

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, “I’m thankful I didn’t get caught,” and refuse to say anything more 

3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the DVD when Dad’s not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the DVD and turn on the regular TV. 

4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. 

5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, “See mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice that the turkey was past the expiration date. You were worried for nothing.”

One Liner
I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it.

Humor – November 25

THINGS TO DO TO LIVEN UP THANKSGIVING DINNER 

1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your “shake” back to the table. Announce that it’s the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake. 

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, “I’m thankful I didn’t get caught,” and refuse to say anything more 

3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the DVD when Dad’s not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the DVD and turn on the regular TV. 

4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. 

5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, “See mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice that the turkey was past the expiration date. You were worried for nothing.”

One Liner
I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it.

Humor – November 24

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. 

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said. “I’ll bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.” 

“You’re on, old-timer,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.” 

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”

One Liner
I bought some powdered water, but I didn’t know what to add. 

Humor – November 23

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

One Liner
Asked to write a composition entitled, “What I’m thankful for on Thanksgiving,” little Johnny wrote, “I’m thankful that I’m not a turkey.”