The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes the teacher
asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes
north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude . . .?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating
I wonder if God was so fed up with all our fighting down here that He sent
us to our rooms.
A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.
“I’ll be right back with some water,” the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.
Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water, “Okay, after the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about 20 minutes.”
Don’t panic! The nerds have seen the movies and played the games. They will save us.
A man finished baby-proofing his house and his wife says, “Aw, honey, I thought you said you didn’t want to have kids?”
He responds, “I don’t. Let’s see them get in now.”
I told my wife how thankful I was to have someone I enjoyed being quarantined with. She said, “Must be nice.”
A man came into the pharmacy and said to the technician, “Do you have anything that will stop hiccups?”
The tech leaned over the counter and slapped the man’s face.
The man said “What did you do that for?”
The tech replied, “Well, you don’t have any hiccups now, do you?”
The man replied, “I never did. I came in for my wife out in the car.”
I was told that 70% of the population is stupid. I’m obviously with the other 40%.
Leaving church one Sunday, a woman said to her husband, “Do you think that Flanagan girl is dyeing her hair?”
“I didn’t even see her,” replied the husband.
“And that skirt Mrs. Jones was wearing,” continued the wife. “Don’t tell me you thought that was appropriate attire for a mother of four??”
“I’m afraid I didn’t notice that either,” said the husband.
“Huh!” scoffed the wife. “A lot of good it does bringing YOU to church.”
[forwarded by Steve Sanderson]
No matter how hard you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
A person calls a pet store: “Send me thirty-thousand cockroaches, at once.”
Astonished clerk: “What in the world do you want with thirty-thousand cockroaches?”
Caller: “I’m moving out today, and my lease says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them.”
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation.
Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.
“Ah,” he sighed, “that must be her checking out now.”
Kids only want high-technology toys nowadays. My niece has an imaginary playmate that requires batteries.
A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”
He looked around! and couldn’t see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.” He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, “Are you talking to me?”
The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.”
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will become the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen!”
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, “Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
Blessed are the peacemakers — they will never be out work.