A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running to church as fast as
she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.

As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord,
please don’t let me be late!”

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting
her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off,
and started running again.

As she ran she once again began to pray, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be
late! But please don’t shove me either!”

One Liner
Q: Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
A: Prism, but it’s a light sentence.

A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt uneasy, not knowing about all the new technology.

A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.

“Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing,” she said.

“So would I,” replied the technician. “It’s a floor-cleaning machine.”

One Liner
My doctor emailed me asking if I knew my “blod group.”
I replied, “typo.”

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class almost 50 years ago. 

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

“Yes,” he replied.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “In 1953.”

“Why, you were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, “What did you teach?”

One Liner

If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don’t swallow it whole.

“I’m going fishing.”
    Really means: “I’m going to stand by a stream with a stick in my hand all day, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”

“It’s a guy thing.”
    Really means: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

“Can I help with dinner?”
    Really means: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

“Uh-huh.” “Sure, honey.” “Yes, dear.”
    Really means: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

One Liner
I received another letter from some lawyer yesterday. It had “Final Notice” written on the envelope. Good. They won’t be bothering me anymore.

Failure doesn’t mean – “You are a failure,”
It means – You have not succeeded.

Failure doesn’t mean – “You accomplished nothing,”
It means – You have learned something.

Failure doesn’t mean – “You have been a fool,”
It means – You had a lot of faith.

Failure doesn’t mean – “You don’t have it,”
It means – You were willing to try.

Failure doesn’t mean – “You are inferior,”
It means – You are not perfect.

Failure doesn’t mean – “You’ve wasted your life,”
It means – You have a reason to start afresh.

Failure doesn’t mean – “You should give up,”
It means – You must try again.

Failure doesn’t mean – “You’ll never make it,”
It means – It will take a little longer.

Failure doesn’t mean – “God has abandoned you,”
It means – God has a better way for you.

One Liner
Those who get too big for their britches, are sure to be exposed in the end.

A man fell into a pit and couldn’t get himself out…

~ A subjective person came along and said, “I feel for you down there.”

~ An objective person walked by and said, “It’s logical that someone would fall down there.”

~ A Pharisee said, “Only bad people fall into pits.”

~ A mathematician calculated how deep the pit was.

~ A news reporter wanted the exclusive story on the pit.

~ An IRS agent asked if he was paying taxes on the pit.

~ A self-pitying person said, “You haven’t seen anything until you’ve seen my pit.”

~ A fire-and-brimstone preacher said, “You deserve your pit.”

~ A Christian Scientist observed, “The pit is just in your mind.”

~ A psychologist noted, “Your mother and father are to blame for your being in that pit.”

~ A self-esteem therapist said, “Believe in yourself and you can get out of that pit.”

~ An optimist said, “Things could be worse.”

~ A pessimist claimed, “Things will get worse.”

Jesus, seeing the man, took him by the hand and lifted him out of the pit.

One Liner
A person can fail many times, but they aren’t a failure until they begin to blame somebody else.

Liz was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the Insurance policy with the clerk at the Insurance Agency.

During the discussion, she asked, “Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?”

The clerk eyed her suspiciously and replied, “A life sentence.”

One Liner

Pay no attention to the elephant in the room; it’s ir-elephant.

There’s a guy who’s hiking in the woods one day when a bear chases him up a really tall tree.

The bear started to climb the tree, so the guy climbed up higher. Then, the bear climbed down and went away.

So the guy starts to climb down the tree. Suddenly, the bear returns, and this time he’s brought an even bigger bear with him. The two bears climb up the tree, the bigger bear going higher than the first. But the guy climbed even higher still, so the bears couldn’t reach him. Eventually, the bears went away.

Naturally quite relieved, the guy starts down the tree again. Suddenly, the two bears return. But this time the guy knew he was in big trouble.

Each bear was carrying a beaver.

One Liner

I just learned that the inventor of Velcro died. RIP.