All posts by mikeshumor

About mikeshumor

Michael May is the blogger of #mikeshumor. He is a Christ follower, husband, dad, XPastor, cyclist, cereal connoisseur, former Meridian Star paperboy. I would unfollow myself if I could. Roll Tide!

Humor – May 25

A man goes to the doctor complaining about stomach problems. The doctor asks him what he’s been eating.

“I only eat pool balls,” he says. “Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner.”

“I see the problem,” says the doctor. “You’re not getting enough greens.”

One Liner

A friend of mine bought his wife a world map and gave her a dart and said, throw this, and wherever it lands–that痴 where I知 taking you when this pandemic ends. It turns out that they will be spending two weeks behind the fridge.

Humor – May 24

After breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for John to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.

After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, “If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?”

Without looking up from his newspaper John replied, “About 10 years.”

One Liner

Middle Age: When a broad mind and a narrow waist change places.

Humor – May 23

The insurance agent was having quite an easy time selling Mrs. Jones insurance on her husband’s life. In fact he thought it was too easy.

When all the details were finalized Mrs. Jones casually asked, “Now if my husband should die tomorrow what would I get?”

“That would depend entirely,” the insurance man replied, “on how the evidence is presented to the jury.”

One Liner

No matter how stupid you feel, remember Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother.

Humor – May 20

A woman was shopping for something to wear to her 50th high school reunion when a group of teenage girls came into the same shop to try on dresses for their school formal.

“Gross,” complained one girl loudly to her friends, “this dress makes me look 40 years old!”

“May I have it?” called out the lady. “That’s just what I’m looking for!”

One Liner

One of the hardest decisions in life is when to start middle age.

Humor – May 19

A golfer is playing a round of golf with his buddies. On the sixth hole, a hole over water, he proceeds to flub nine balls into the water. Frustrated over his poor golfing ability, he heaves his golf clubs into the water, and begins to walk off the course.

Then all of a sudden he turns around and jumps back in the lake, his buddies apparently thinking he is going to retrieve his clubs.

When he comes out of the water he doesn’t have his clubs and begins to walk off the course.

Then one of his buddies asks, “Why did you jump into the lake?”

And he said, “I left my car keys in the bag.”

One Liner

Remember when we were kids and we’d say, “I can’t wait until I get older and can do whatever I want!” So, how’s that working for ya?

Humor – May 18

One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it.

The following week, her check was for less that the normal amount, and she confronted her boss. “How come,” the supervisor inquired, “you didn’t say anything when you were overpaid?”

Unperturbed, the employee replied, “Well, I can overlook one mistake, but not two in a row!”

One Liner

Shout out to the person who created the word “plethora.” It means a lot.

Humor – May 17

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.

The dog looked up and said, “Don’t be surprised. This is just part of my job.”

“Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can’t believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!”

“No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don’t! If that man finds out I can talk, he’ll have me answering the phone too!”

One Liner

I’m the type of wife that will help my husband look for his chocolate, that I ate.

Humor – May 16

I was recovering from surgery when a charity representative phoned asking me to take part in a door-to-door fund-raising effort.

“Sorry,” I replied, “but I’ve been incapacitated.”

Undaunted, the caller kept trying to convince me to change my mind and volunteer.

I interrupted and said, “Listen to me. I’m incapacitated. Do you know what that means?”

She hesitated. “It means your head was cut off?”

One Liner

The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 26 minutes and was performed by the child sitting behind me on Delta flight 963 from LA to Tokyo.