All posts by mikeshumor

About mikeshumor

Michael May is the blogger of #mikeshumor. He is a Christ follower, husband, dad, XPastor, cyclist, cereal connoisseur, former Meridian Star paperboy. I would unfollow myself if I could. Roll Tide!

Philippians 4:6

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Humor – May 25

A couple were going out for the evening. They’d got ready, all dolled up, set the lights, and put the cat put out.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple opened the front door, the cat zips back in between their legs and disappears up the stairs.  They don’t want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to find the cat and put it out.

The wife, worried abut some recent break-ins in their neighborhood and not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab apologetically, “Sorry I took so long” he says, “Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger and grab her by the scruff of the neck to get her to come out! Then she slipped away and ran into the closet, but I quickly trapped her in the corner and got a good hold on her.”

One LINER
Why is it called “rush hour” when nothing moves?

Thought for the day
Psalm 16:3
As for the saints who are in the land, 
they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight

Saints are people touched by God’s holiness.  No one is saintly, or holy apart from God.  Only God is holy.

Humor – May 24

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you have any wittle wabbits?”

And the shopkeeper bends way down and puts his hands on his knees so he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a wittle white wabby or a wittle bwack wabby?  Or maybe that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?”

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet little voice, “I don’t fink my pyfon weally cares.”

One LINER
“The best mirror is an old friend.” – George Herbert

Thought for the day
Acts 25:18-19
But the accusations made against him weren’t any of the crimes I expected.  Instead, it was something about their religion and a dead man named Jesus, who Paul insists is alive

Jewish leaders came from Jerusalem making serious accusations against Paul.  But when it came down to it – it wasn’t about any crime he had committed but that he claimed Jesus was alive and not dead!!  Would that be the only charge against you and I today?  We claim Jesus is alive in all our actions and speech!!

Humor – May 23

THREE SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID

1. Naps are good.

2. Your parents’ jokes are funny.

3. When things go wrong, you can’t just yell “Do-over!”

One LINER
Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.

Thought for the day
Acts 23:1
Paul looked straight at the Sanhedrin and said, “My brothers, I have fulfilled my duty to God in all good conscience to this day.

Paul looked them in the eye and gave a BOLD word for God.  May we be so bold!!

Humor – May 22

One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby’s crib.  Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. He would stand back, shake his head and say, “Amazing,” while smiling from ear to ear.

Touched by his unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, her eyes glistened as she slipped her arms around him.

“A penny for your thoughts,” she whispered in his ear.

“Isn’t it amazing!” he replied.  “When you take the time and really look close, how can anyone make a crib like that for only $39.99!”

One Liner
I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold.

Thought for the day
“Never tell your neighbors to wait until tomorrow if you can help them now.” (Proverbs 3:28 TEV).

Servants are always on the lookout for ways to help others. When they see a need, they seize the moment to meet it. 

 

Humor – May 21

Throughout the centuries, mothers have been giving their children plenty of good advice and notable quotes. Here’s just a small sampling:  (part 2)

MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY’S MOTHER: “I don’t mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?”

HUMPTY DUMPTY’S MOTHER: “Humpty, If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!”

BARNEY’S MOTHER: “I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you’re starting to look a little purple.”

BATMAN’S MOTHER: “It’s a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?”

GOLDILOCKS’ MOTHER: “I’ve got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?”

LITTLE MISS MUFFET’S MOTHER: “Well, all I’ve got to say is if you don’t get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there’ll be a lot more spiders around here!”

JONAH’S MOTHER: “That’s a nice story, but now tell me where you’ve really been for the last three days.”

SUPERMAN’S MOTHER: “Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we’ve decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?”

MONA LISA’S MOTHER: “After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?”

One Liner
“Pumpkin Math”

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of your pumpkin by it’s diameter?

A: Pumpkin Pi

Thought for the day
“Now you belong to him . . . in order that you might be useful in the service of God” (Romans 7:4 TEV).

Your call to salvation included your call to service. They are the same. Regardless of your job or career, you are called to full-time Christian service. A “non-serving Christian” is a contradiction in terms.