A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children. All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker’s three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.

The man checked shirt, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, “Excuse me little girl, but why do you keep staring at me?”

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet for her response. The little girl said, “I just want to see how you drink like a fish.”

One Liner

You know you’re senile when you start quoting yourself. Wait, you’re only senile if you don’t know you’re quoting yourself.

My husband has always had a beard. One day, he decided to shave it off. He came into the room where my 5-year-old daughter Samantha was and asked her, “Notice anything different?” 

To which she replied, “No,” with a puzzled look on her face. 

My husband then said to her, “My beard’s gone.” 

Now the puzzled look disappeared and the innocent eyes appeared when she said, “I didn’t take it!”

One Liner

He suffers in silence louder than anyone I know.

A high school student stared thoughtfully at the second question on his exam, which read, “State the number of tons of coal shipped out of America in any given year.”

Suddenly, his brow cleared, and he wrote, “1492: None.

One Liner

Nothing tops a plain pizza!

A parts manager for a small tool repair shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead.

Furious at the factory’s incompetence, he promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind.

Less than a week later, he received the same part back with a letter containing just four words: “TURN THE PART OVER.

One Liner

On rainy days, my wife thinks it’s pathetic when I stare through the window. It would be less pathetic if she just let me in.

A young boy came to Sunday school late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

The boy replied that he was going to go fishing, but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.

The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing, to which the boy replied, “Yes, Dad said he didn’t have enough bait for both of us.”

One Liner

Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.

Me: My tire’s making a whistling sound.

Mechanic: Sounds like a flat.

Me: More like an F sharp.

One Liner

I wanted to marry an English teacher when she got out of jail. But you can’t end a sentence with a proposition. 

I arrived early to the restaurant and the manager asked, “Do you mind waiting a bit?”

I replied, “Not at all.”

“Good,” he said, “Take these drinks to table nine.”

One Liner

You know you’ve grown up when a nap no longer feels like a punishment but a reward.

The story is told of a young lad who was given two quarters on a Sunday morning with instructions that one was for the Lord to be placed into the offering plate at Sunday School and the other for himself. And so off he went to church. 

As boys are oft to do, he walked along thinking about how he would spend his quarter later and was holding the two quarters in his hand. They were perfectly safe, right? Well, they were…until they weren’t. Pretty soon one slipped through his fingers, bounced off the curb into the gutter, and…you guessed it, right into the drain.

He gave it his best thought and came up with the perfect solution. He then proclaimed, “Well, Lord, there goes Your quarter.”

One Liner

A man dressed up as a baby horse and made a complete foal of himself.