All posts by mikeshumor

About mikeshumor

Michael May is the blogger of #mikeshumor. He is a Christ follower, husband, dad, XPastor, cyclist, cereal connoisseur, former Meridian Star paperboy. I would unfollow myself if I could. Roll Tide!

Humor – February 8

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

The successful one said, “How has everything been going with you?”

“Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush.

“Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I’m as rich as Rockefeller.”

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page.

He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, “Chapter Eleven.”

One Liner
I saw that TV show “50 Things To Do Before You Die.” I would have thought the obvious one was “shout for help.”

Thought for the day
Romans 8:9 says, “You are not controlled by your sinful nature. You are controlled by the Spirit if you have the Spirit of God living in you. (And remember that those who do not have the Spirit of Christ living in them do not belong to him at all)” (NLT).

Yes, you will still have those desires. But the Holy Spirit will give you the power to say “no” to them; you do not have to satisfy those desires. This is the difference the Spirit of God makes in you. This is how God sets you free from your compulsions.


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Humor – February 7

One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.

Her daughter answered, “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilts.” Needless to say, Mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about.

He said, “Be not afraid, Thy comforter is coming.”

One Liner
A short fortune-teller escaped from prison to become a small medium, at-large.

Thought for the day
“The Lord blessed the last part of Job’s life even more than he had blessed the first” (Job 42:12 GNT). Job went through all this hurt, but in spite of that, God blessed the last part of Job’s life even more than the first.

Humor – February 6

A woman’s husband died. He had $20,000 to his name.

After paying all the funeral expenses, she told her closest friend that there was no money left.

The friend asked, “How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?”

The widow replied, “Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, pay the organist and all. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, the food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone.”

The friend asked, “$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?”

The widow replied, “Three carats.”

One Liner
Fools rush in…and get all the best seats.

Thought for the day
“[Job’s] wife said to him, ‘Are you still trying to maintain your integrity? Curse God and die.’ But Job replied, ‘You talk like a godless woman. Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?’ So in all this, Job said nothing wrong”(Job 2:9-10 NLT).

Job refused to become bitter and resentful. Bitterness prolongs pain. It doesn’t relieve it; it only reinforces it.

 

Humor – February 5

Looking over the log book kept by the computer support staff at my office, I noticed several entries stating the problem was PICNIC.

I asked one of the technicians what PICNIC meant.

He laughed as he told me it meant “Problem In Chair, Not In Computer.”

One Liner
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

Thought for the day
I came naked from my mother’s womb,’ [Job] said, ‘and I shall have nothing when I die. The Lord gave me everything I had, and they were his to take away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.’ In all of this Job did not sin or revile God” (Job 1:21-22 TLB).

Grief is a part of life, but you can’t let a season of grief turn into a lifestyle of grief.

 

Humor – February 4

“Happy Songs”

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to Maimonides Hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients’ bedsides.

When he finished he said, in farewell, “I hope you get better.”

One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”

course sign: “Please don’t find lost balls until they stop rolling.”

One LINER
Municipal golf course sign: “Please don’t find lost balls until they stop rolling.”

Thought for the day
“You have been bought and paid for by Christ, so you belong to him — be free now from all these earthly prides and fears” (1 Corinthians 7:23 TLB).

God says that you’re not only accepted, you’re also valuable.