All posts by mikeshumor

About mikeshumor

Michael May is the blogger of #mikeshumor. He is a Christ follower, husband, dad, XPastor, cyclist, cereal connoisseur, former Meridian Star paperboy. I would unfollow myself if I could. Roll Tide!

Humor – January 14

College student: “Hey, Dad! I’ve got some great news for you!”

Father: “Really?  What’s the good news?”

College student: “Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean’s list?”

Father: “I certainly do.”

College student: “Well, you get to keep it.”

One Liner

Dear Lord, please keep your arm around my shoulder — and your hand over my mouth.

Humor – January 13

One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, “Jerry, what does you father say when the family sits down to dinner?”

Jerry answered, “Dad says ‘Go easy on the butter, kids – it’s three bucks a pound!'”

One Liner

Hold on while I overthink this.

Humor – January 12

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off, “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s wrong with me, Doctor?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says,

“Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight!”

One Liner

If your outgo exceeds your income, then your upkeep will be your downfall.

Humor – January 11

An airhead driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. The airhead remembered what had said: “If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.” 

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and started to follow it, for about forty-five minutes. 

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked what happened. The airhead explained what Dad said. 

The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m done with the Walmart parking lot. Do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?”

One Liner

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.

Humor – January 10

Here’s hoping there is no one like this at your workplace.

Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money.

The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars.

One Liner

Well, this day was a total waste of make-up!

Humor – January 7

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him, “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.”

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”

But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, “You brought pavement?!?!” 

One Liner

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.