A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.
A friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those jazzy 4-Wheel drive vehicles.”
“She did,” he replied. “But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!!”
“The starting pay is $40,000. Later it can go up to $80,000.” “Great. I’ll start later.”
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly.
“Normal” is a setting on a washing machine.
A driver got a speeding ticket and went to pay the fine.
The police clerk issued a receipt for payment and the annoyed driver said,
“What am I supposed to do with this?”
“Keep it,” the clerk advised. “If you collect enough of them, you get a
“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo.”
They weren’t in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car’s ignition. He’s afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: “I left my keys in the car and it’s been stolen.”
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. “Are you kidding me?” he barked, “I dropped you off!”
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”
He retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn’t steal your car!”
Pros & cons of making food: Pro – food; Con – making.
A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.
After the benediction, he had planned to call the couple down for a brief ceremony in front of the congregation.
For the life of him, he couldn’t think of the names of those who were to be married.
“Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?” he requested.
Immediately, nine single ladies, six single men, three widows, and four widowers stepped to the front.
Here’s to love, the only fire for which there is no insurance.
TEACHER: Why didn’t you study?
STUDENT: A year has 365 days for you to study. After taking away 52 Sundays, there are only 313 days left. There are 50 days in the summer that are way too hot to work so there are only 263 days left. We sleep 8 hours a day, in a year, that counts up to 122 days so now we’re left with 141 days. If we fooled around for only 1 hour a day, 15 days are gone, so we are left with 126 days. We spend 2 hours eating each day – 30 days are used in this way in the year, and we are left with 96 days in our year. We spend 1 hour a day speaking to friends and family, that takes away 15 days more and we are left with 81 days. Exams and tests take up at least 35 days in your year; hence you are only left with 46 days. Taking off approximately 40 days of holidays, you are only left with 6 days. Say you are sick for a minimum of 3 days; you’re left with 3 days in the year to study! Let’s say you only go out for 2 days…you’re left with 1 day. But that 1 day is your birthday. That’s why I did
Teacher: Class dismissed.
Some people you’re glad to see coming; some people you’re glad to see going.
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”
“Excuse me?” the accountant said.
“I worry about a lot of things,” the man said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”
“I see,” the accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?”
“I’ll start you at eighty thousand.”
“Eighty thousand dollars!” the accountant exclaimed. “How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”
“That,” the owner said, “is your first worry.”
Retired: Under new management. See spouse for details.
A young salesperson peeped into the office of someone who looked like a sales manager, muttered something, then started walking away. After retreating a little he seemed to change his mind and headed back to the door — where after some hesitation, he started to back away again. The sales manager, feeling sorry for the young man, and surprised that he was so badly trained, called him in.
“You’re a salesperson aren’t you? What are you selling?”
“Sir … uh … yes … I’m a salesman. I’m sorry to bother you. I was selling insurance, but I’m sure you don’t want any. Sorry to have wasted your time.”
Feeling sorry for the young bungler, the sales manager bought two policies to give the young salesman some confidence and then started teaching him about selling. He said: “You should have different pre-planned approaches for different kinds of”
“But I do, sir, the young salesman interrupted, the one I just used is my planned approach for sales managers. It always works. Thank you!”
Even if you’ve been fishing for 3 hours and haven’t gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you’re still better off than the worm.