All posts by mikeshumor

About mikeshumor

Michael May is the blogger of #mikeshumor. He is a Christ follower, husband, dad, XPastor, cyclist, cereal connoisseur, former Meridian Star paperboy. I would unfollow myself if I could. Roll Tide!

Humor – June 17

Spell Insect
A college roommate of mine was doing her student teaching. While she watched the second graders practice their writing, a little boy raised his hand to get her attention.

“Teacher, how do you spell ‘sex’?”

Startled at the question, my friend made her way to his desk and quietly asked, “What word did you want me to help you spell?”

The little boy replied, “I have the first part–I-N–but I don’t know how to spell the whole word–‘Insects.'”

One LINER
Our preschooler, Morgan, really was excited about our new home computer. We didn’t know how special it was until we overheard her say, hugging her favorite teddy bear, “Oh, Grizzwald, I love you so much. I wish I could double click you!”

Thought for the day
God tells us, “A wise, mature person is known for his understanding. The more pleasant his words, the more persuasive he is” Proverbs 16:21

Nagging never works. You are never persuasive when you’re abrasive.

 

Advertisements

Humor – June 14

Job Security
After being laid off from three jobs in the past year, Dewey was hired to work in a warehouse.

Unfortunately, one day he lost control of the forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said, “I’m sorry, Dewey, but I’m going to have to withhold 10 percent of each of your paychecks until we back the damage.”

“How much will it cost?” Dewey asked.
“About $5,000,” the owner replied.
“Finally!” Dewey exclaimed. “Job security!”

One LINER
If you live long enough, something will kill you.

Thought for the day
God tells us, “A wise, mature person is known for his understanding. The more pleasant his words, the more persuasive he is” Proverbs 16:21

Nagging never works. You are never persuasive when you’re abrasive.


Humor – June 13

In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. “Whoa there,” said the doctor.” Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down…I think there’s yet another one to come.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. “No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern . . . It seems there’s yet another one in there!” cried the doctor. The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, “Do you think it’s the light that’s attractin’ ’em?”

One Liner  
*”Sound travels slowly. Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers don’t reach them till they’re in their 40s.”

Thought for the day
“First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye” Matthew 7:5

Because we all have blind spots, you may need to ask a third party to help you evaluate your own actions before meeting with the person with whom you have a conflict.

Humor – June 12

Lenora, 95-years-old and in excellent health, confided that she was terribly worried: “Every one of my friends has already died and gone on to heaven. I’m afraid they’re all wondering where *I* went!”

One LINER
A penny saved is just another thing for the cat to knock off of the dresser.

Thought for the day
“Look out for one another interests, not just for your own” (Philippians 2:4 GNT).

The phrase “look out for” is the Greek word skopos, from which we form our words “telescope” and “microscope.” It means to pay close attention! Focus on the other person’s feelings, not the facts. Begin with sympathy, not solutions.

Humor – June 11

Priest Twin

Our priest suddenly became ill and asked his twin brother, also a priest, to fill in for him and conduct a funeral Mass scheduled for that day. His brother, of course, agreed.

It was not until the brother was accompanying the casket down the aisle, however, that he realized that he had neglected to ask the sex of the deceased. This was information that he would need for his remarks during the service.

As he approached the first pew where the deceased’s relatives were seated he nodded toward the casket and whispered to one woman, “Brother or sister?”

“Cousin,” she replied.

One Liner
When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, “I can do better than that.

Thought for the day
“A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense” Proverbs 19:11

Patience comes from wisdom, and wisdom comes from hearing the perspective of others.