A little three-year-old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what’s up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.

His mother says: “Billy, are you all right? You’ve been in here for a while.

Billy says: “I’m fine, mommy… just haven’t gone ‘doody’ yet.”

Mother says: “OK, you can stay here a few more minutes. But Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?”

Billy says: “Works for ketchup!”

One Liner

Two frogs were sitting on a lily pad. One said to the other, “Time sure is fun when you are having flies!”

One day on the way home from church a little girl turned to her mother and said, “Mommy, the preacher’s sermon this morning confused me.”

The mother said, “Oh! Why is that?

The girl replied, “Well, he said that God is bigger than we are. Is that true?”

“Yes, that’s true,” the mother replied.

“He also said that God lives within us.  Is that true too?”

Again the mother replied, “Yes.”

“Well,” said the girl. “If God is bigger than us and he lives in us, wouldn’t He show through?”

One Liner

Sometimes we have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give us the right to be cruel.

The aspiring psychiatry students were attending their first class on
emotional extremes.

“Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to a student from
New York, “What is the opposite of joy?”

“Sadness,” said a student.

And the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

“Elation,” she said.

“And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas, “how about the opposite
of woe?”

The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.”

One Liner

A duvet is a pillowcase for blankets.

A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket.

“It seems everyone is out to get me lately. How did you know I was speeding?” the frustrated driver asked.

The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.

“You mean,” asked the motorist, “that I’m not just being paranoid? Even *He* is trying to get me?”

One Liner

I once swallowed a book of synonyms. It gave me the thesaurus throat I’ve ever had!

When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.

“What are you doing?” his Mom asked.

“The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy explained. “I’m looking for the seal.”

One Liner

Life is like a box of chocolates. Sometimes it makes you sick.

Mrs. Marble, a Sunday School teacher, was telling her students about the time when Lot’s wife looked back at Sodom she turned into a pillar of salt.

Little Percy interrupted. “My mommy looked back once while she was driving,” he announced, “and she turned into a telephone pole.”

One LIner

When life give you lemons, give them back and tell life you want coffee.

THE TOP TEN DINNER DISHES WHEN MOM’S AWAY AND DAD’S COOKING

10. Hot dogs with just a hint of Tabasco.

9. “Kids eat free” night at the steak house.

8. Pizza.

7. Broiled bologna benedict on rye.

6. Back-of-the-fridge goulash (with lots of pepper).

5. Chips and salsa.

4. Cocoa Puff surprise.

3. Something old, something blue, something frozen, call it stew.

2. Cold pizza.

1. Whatever’s cooking at Grandma’s.

One Liner

I got a job at the cable company and completed training so I could fix my own cable, which was faster than being on hold with customer service.

A DIET PRAYER

Lord, My soul is ripped with riot
incited by my wicked diet.
“We Are What We Eat,” said a wise old man!
and, Lord, if that’s true, I’m a garbage can.

I want to rise on Judgment Day, that’s plain!
but at my present weight, I’ll need a crane.
So grant me strength, that I may not fall
into the clutches of cholesterol.

May my flesh with carrot-curls be dated,
that my soul may be poly unsaturated
And show me the light, that I may bear witness
to the President’s Council on Physical Fitness.

And at oleomargarine I’ll never mutter,
for the road to Hell is spread with butter.
And cream is cursed; and cake is awful;
and Satan is hiding in every waffle.

Mephistopheles lurks in provolone;
the Devil is in each slice of baloney,
Beelzebub is a chocolate drop,
and Lucifer is a lollipop.

Give me this day my daily slice
but, cut it thin and toast it twice.
I beg upon my dimpled knees,
deliver me from jujubees.

And when my days of trial are done,
and my war with malted milk is won,
Let me stand with Heavenly throng,
In a shining robe–size 30 long.

I can do it Lord, If You’ll show to me,
the virtues of lettuce and celery.
If You’ll teach me the evil of mayonnaise,
of pasta a la Milannaise
potatoes a la Lyonnaise
and crisp-fried chicken from the South.

Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth.

One Liner

I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So, I threw him out. I hate visitors.