Boy: The principal is so dumb!
Girl: Do you know who I am?
Girl: I am the principal’s daughter!
Boy: Oh, do you know who I am?
Boy: Good! *walks away*
My memory is so terrible that I had to change my password to “Incorrect”. Now I get a reminder every time I enter my password wrong: “Your password is Incorrect.” 🙂
A 4-year old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, “Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?”
“Because,” his dad explained, “after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color.”
There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, “Daddy, are you talking to me?”
Congratulations! You survived April. Welcome to Level 5 of Jumanji.
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, “How was I
“Well, Honey…” said the boy’s mom, “the stork brought you to us.”
“Oh,” said the boy. “Well, how did you and daddy get born?” he asked.
“Oh, the stork brought us too,” chimed in the dad.
“Well how were grandpa and grandma born?” he persisted.
“Well darling, the stork brought them too!” said the mom, by now starting to
squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with
confusion the opening sentence: “This report has been very difficult to
write because there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three
Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer
for good clean fun.
A taxpayer received a strongly-worded “second notice” that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector’s office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.
“Oh,” confided the collector with a smile, “we don’t send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective.”
If you answer the phone with, Hello? Youre on the air! most telemarketers will hang up.
A man giving a long-winded speech finally says: “I’m sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home.”
A voice from the crowd says: “There’s a calendar behind you.”
That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.
A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the family room.
Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence.
The girl looked at her dad and said, “It was Mom.”
“How do you know?”
“She didn’t say anything.”
Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard a big splash.
“Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, “we should just put up a sign that says ‘bridge out’ instead?”
Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.