A grandfather was walking past his young granddaughter’s room one night when he saw her kneeling beside her bed, with head bowed and hands folded, repeating the alphabet.
“What are you doing?” he asked her.
She explained, “I’m saying my prayers, but I couldn’t think of just what I wanted to say. So I’m just saying all the letters of the alphabet, and God can put them together however he thinks best.”
“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.” – Dennis Wholey
A large passenger plane is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 35,000 feet, when suddenly an F-22 Raptor appears. The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: “Airbus flight, a boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the plane and asks, “Well, how was that?”
The airplane pilot answers: “Very impressive, but now have a look here!” The jet pilot watches the plane, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed.
After five minutes, the plane pilot radioed, “Well, what are you saying now?”
The jet pilot asks confused: “What did you do?”
The other laughs and says, “I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake.”
Do they allow a loud laugh in Hawaii or just a low ha?
“This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Frobisher’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?”
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding.”
Day 12 without chocolate…lost hearing in my left eye.
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign, and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter, and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded!
He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t give you the job.” The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual.”
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, “Meow.”
Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.
A man stops by his local florist shop to buy flowers for his new girlfriend for Valentine’s Day. He asks the proprietor, “You know the expression, ‘You should say it with flowers’?”
“How about three dozen of my finest roses?” the florist asks.
“Make it a half dozen roses,” the man answers. “I’m a man of few words.”
Good news! The Lego Store has reopened! People are lined up for blocks!!
College student: “Hey, Dad! I’ve got some great news for you!”
Father: “Really? What’s the good news?”
College student: “Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean’s list?”
Father: “I certainly do.”
College student: “Well, you get to keep it.”
Dear Lord, please keep your arm around my shoulder — and your hand over my mouth.