An airhead standing by the river sees another airhead on the opposite bank.

Airhead #1: “Yoo-hoo!  Hello over there!  How can I get to the other side of the river?”

Airhead #2: “Idiot — you ARE on the other side.”

One Liner 
I drink coffee…for your protection.

Thought for the
“Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character’”  1 Corinthians 15:33

It’s always easier to pull people down than to pull them up. That’s why you must make sure the people you hang out with the most are moving you in the right direction. They should be building you up rather than tearing you down.

At the end of their first date, a young fellow takes the girl back to her home.  On the front porch, leaning against the wall with a bit of swagger, he decides to try for that important first kiss.

He: “Sweet thing, how ’bout a good night kiss?”

She: “Oh, I couldn’t do that. My parents will see us!”

He: “Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”

She: “No, please. I would just die of embarrassment if someone saw us.”

He: “Baby, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”

She: “No way. It’s just too risky!”

He: “Oh please, please, I like you so much!!”

She: “No. I like you too, but I just can’t!”

He: “Oh yes you can. Please, Sugar? Please?”

She: “No, no. I just can’t.”

He: “Pleeeeease?…”

Then the porch light goes on and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, sleepy, hair disheveled. “Dad says go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!”

One Liner
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Thought for the day
“Do to others as you would have them do to you” Luke 6:31

The simplest yet most important character test in the Bible. The social psychologist Eric Hoffer once said, “Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.” It takes no intelligence at all to be rude. The best place to practice this important character trait of respect is at home.

A woman goes to the vet with her goldfish.

“I think it’s got epilepsy” she tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says “It seems calm enough to me”.

The woman says, “well wait – I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet!”

One Liner
You spend the first 2 years teaching them to walk and talk, and the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut up.

Thought for the day
“Our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him.” (2 Corinthians 3:18b, Msg)

Real spiritual maturity is never the result of a single experience, no matter how powerful or moving. Growth is gradual.

Working at the post office, I’m used to dealing with a moody public.
So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, “What’s the trouble?”

“I went out this morning,” she began, “and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home.

I’ll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never heard a thing!”
After apologizing, I got her parcel.
“Oh good!” she gushed. “We’ve been waiting for this for ages!”

“What is it?” I asked.
“My husband’s new hearing aid.”  

One Liner
The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

Thought for the day
“Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”  Proverbs 19:21 (NIV)

The right attitude is to always keep your plans submitted to God.  Make your plans but say, “God, if this is what You want, this is the direction I’m going to go.  I’m doing this with flexible faith.”

A couple’s happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma.  For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding.

Eventually, the old girl passed away.

On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, “Darling, if I didn’t love you so much, I don’t think I could have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years.”

His wife looked at him, aghast. “MY Aunt Emma!” she cried. “I thought she was YOUR Aunt Emma!”

One Liner
“Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.”

Thought for the day
“Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control” (Proverbs 25:28 NIV).

Self-control brings with it the good feeling of competency. Like a finely tuned precision automobile, your life stays on course with the slightest touch of steering. The results of self-control are confidence and an inner sense of security.

“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.

“Yes sir,” the clerk replied.

“That’s good,” the boss said. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”

One Liner
There is great need for a sarcasm font.

Thought for the day
Noah was a righteous man … and he walked in close fellowship with God. Genesis 6:9 (NLT)

Walking with God means saying, ‘God, I’m going in your direction, not my direction. I’m going at your pace, just as fast or slow as you tell me

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.”

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

One Liner
Don’t bother me; I’m living happily ever after.

Thought for the day
“In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy.” Philippians 1:4 (NIV)

The quickest way to change a relationship from bad to good is to start thanking God in prayer for people.   The more specific you are in prayer the more specifically you get an answer