Monthly Archives: September 2016

Humor – September 30

Needing some clothes cleaned in a hurry, a man searched this small Georgia town in which he was visiting until he found a sign which read: “Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service.”

After explaining his needs, he said, “I’ll be back for my suit tomorrow.”

“Won’t be ready till Saturday,” replied the proprietor.

“But I thought you had 24-hour service,” the customer protested.

“We do, son,” the proprietor said reproachfully.  “But we only work eight hours a day.  Today’s Thursday – eight hours today, eight hours Friday, eight on Saturday.  That’s 24-hour service.”

One Liner
I am having an out-of-money experience.

Thought for the day
“Having put him to sleep on her lap, she called a man to shave off the seven braids of his hair … and so his strength left him. Then she called, `Samson, the Philistines are upon you.’  He awoke from his sleep and thought `I’ll go out as before and shake myself free.’  But he did not know that the Lord had left him.” (Judges 16:19-20 NIV)

“He did not know the Lord had left him.”  That is one of the most tragic statements in the Bible. He was unaware of what was happening; how his lifestyle was perpetually weakening him little by little.  It was a gradual process.  He had assumed he would always be strong.

Nobody ever plans to be a failure.  It just comes on gradually. Nobody says, “I’m going to be a drug addict” or “I want to break up my marriage” or “I think I’ll destroy my health.” But it starts with one little thing and builds and builds until the point that one day we wake up and say, “What happened? This isn’t living for God.” 

Advertisements

Humor – September 29

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse yells, “BARK!” and the cat runs away.

“See?” says the mother mouse to her baby. “Now do you see why it’s important to learn a foreign language?”

One Liner
“Birds of a feather flock together and aim for your car.”

Thought for the day
“Therefore, I urge you brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God – this is your spiritual act of worship.” Romans 12:1 (NIV)

The way you contaminate your body is by what you eat or drink, and the way you contaminate your spirit is by what your see or hear

Humor – September 28

Grandchild:  “Oh, I sure am happy to see you, Gramma!  Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he promised!”

Grandmother: “What trick is that, dear?” 

Grandchild: “I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit again!”

One Liner
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where’s the ceiling?!”

Thought for the day
But if we live in the light, as God is in the light, we can share fellowship with each other. Then the blood of Jesus, God’s Son, cleanses us from every sin. If we say we have no sin, we are fooling ourselves, and the truth is not in us. (1 John 1:7-8 NCV)

The world thinks intimacy occurs in the dark, but God says it happens in the light. We tend to use darkness to hide our hurts, faults, fears, failures and flaws. But in the light, we bring them all out into the open and admit who we really are.

Of course, being authentic requires both courage and humility. It means facing our fear of exposure, rejection and being hurt again. 

Humor – September 27

At a wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest.  The bride’s grandparents took the honors.

The DJ asked them: “What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?”

The grandma said: “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.'”

Everyone then looked at the grandpa for his answer. He, wisely, answered: “She’s probably right.”

One Liner
Time is a great healer, but a lousy beautician.

Thought for the day
“As she stood behind Jesus at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.” Luke 7:38 (NIV)

You don’t have to clean up your act before you can worship God. Just worship him and he’ll clean up your act. You don’t repent and confess in order to earn forgiveness. You change your ways because you’ve been forgiven

Humor – September 26

A knight and his men returned to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.

“How are we faring?” asks the king.

“Sire,” replies the knight, “I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west.”

“What?!?” shrieks the king. “I don’t have any enemies to the west!”

“Oh,” says the knight. “Well, you do now.”

One Liner
I’m all out of clever things to say.

Thought for the day
“Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matthew 11:29-30 (MSG)

Jesus calls us to a level of intimacy that can only be sustained by his constant presence in our lives.