Monthly Archives: September 2016

Humor – September 20

My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun.
 
One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs.
 
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said, “…and so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said ‘Pardon me, sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?'”
 
Then the teacher asked the class, “And what do you think that man said?” and my friend’s son raised his hand and said, “I know! I know!
 
He said: ‘Holy smokes! A talking pig!'”
 
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

One Liner
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

Thought for the day
“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.” (Matthew 7:24 NIV)

The foundation of a house tells you how big the house can get. You can’t put a big house on a small or faulty foundation. It’ll collapse every time.  The same is true for our lives. You can’t become what God wants you to be on a faulty foundation. 

Humor – September 19

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”

Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

One Liner
I’d like to be the ideal mother, but I’m too busy raising my kids.

Thought for the day
“In the same way that you gave me a mission in the world, I give them a mission in the world.” (John 17:18 MSG)

Jesus released the disciples to serve God’s purposes.

As a parent, I am responsible to protect my kids as they’re growing up, but that doesn’t mean I protect them from taking risks for the glory of God. You can be so over-protective that you do not release your kids emotionally or maybe even physically to do what God wants them to.

Humor – September 16

Some smart advice….

Don’t squat with your spurs on.

If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to touch the electric fence for themselves.

One Liner
Warning label seen on a box of hair coloring:
“Do not use as an ice cream topping.”

Thought for the day
“Purify yourselves, because tomorrow the LORD will perform miracles among you” (Joshua 3:5 TEV).

The fact is, God wants to do something great in your future, too. But you have to start by settling the accounts of the past. You have to clean up yesterday.

Humor – September 15

The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit.

“But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”

“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.

“No problem,” the sales clerk answered. “Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That’s why this suit is only thirty dollars.”

Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit’s left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car.

Two doctors happened along and noticed him.

“Good grief,” the first doctor said to the second, “look at that poor crippled fellow.”

“Yeah,” answered the second doctor. “But doesn’t that suit fit great?”

One Liner
A man walks into Doctor’s and says, “Doctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter.”
The doctor looks at him and says, “Sorry, I don’t follow you.”

Thought for the day
“For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many”(Mark 10:45 NIV).

When we begin to follow Jesus, he empowers us for a life of service. The more we become like Jesus, the more we will serve others.

Humor – September 14

SLEEPING IN THE BARN

A Congressman and two friends – a rabbi and a Hindu holy man – had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer

The farmer said, “There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn.”

“No problem,” chimed the rabbi. “My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening.”

With that, he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later, a knock was heard at the door, and the farmer opened it. There stood the rabbi from the barn.

“What’s wrong?” asked the farmer.

He replied, “I’m grateful to you, but I can’t sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.”

His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later, the same scene recurred. There was a knock on the door.

“What’s wrong now?” the farmer asked.

The Hindu holy man replied, “I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn, and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can’t sleep on holy ground!”

Well, that left only the Congressman to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but he went out to the barn.

Moments later, there was another knock on the farmer’s door.

Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood … the pig and the cow

One Liner
My memory is SO bad I changed my password to “incorrect.” That way when I enter the wrong one, it’ll tell me, “Your password is incorrect.”

Thought for the day
“Jesus went out as usual to the Mount of Olives, and his disciples followed him.” (Luke 22:39 NIV)

The location where you have your quiet time is also important. Your place ought to be a secluded place. This is a place where you can be alone, where it’s quiet, and where you will not be disturbed or interrupted.

Humor – September 13

The chaplain at a local nursery/kindergarten meets with the three- and four-year-olds once a week to tell them a Bible story. After talking about the resurrection, the week after Easter, one of the youngsters thought about the story very carefully. Finally she raised her hand, and sounding just like a little old lady, she asked, “And just how is Jesus doing these days?”

(This was told to me, just this way, by the little old lady who just happens to be the chaplain at the nursery/kindergarten at the church in our town. She was happy to assure the little girl that Jesus was doing just fine.)

One Liner
When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Thought for the day
“Let us give up our work, our thoughts, our plans, ourselves, our lives, our loved ones, our influence, our all, right into His hand, and then, when we have given all over to Him, there will be nothing left for us to be troubled about, or to make trouble about.” – James Hudson Taylor

Humor – September 12

A dying granny tells her granddaughter, “I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash.”

The granddaughter, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, “Oh granny, you are SO generous! I didn’t even know you had a farm. Where is it?”

With her last breath, Granny whispered, “Facebook…”

One Liner
It’s not what a teen knows that concerns his parents, it’s how he found out.

Thought for the day
“Let the Spirit change your way of thinking” (Ephesians 4:23 CEV).

We must change the way we think