Monthly Archives: August 2016

Humor – August 31

Auditor: It is your duty as a citizen to pay taxes, and we expect you to pay them with a smile.

Taxpayer (grinning widely): Wonderful! I thought you expected me to pay them with cash!

One Liner
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.

Thought for the day
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” (James 4:1 NIV)

James doesn’t beat around the bush. He says that the cause of arguments is conflicting desires. When my wants conflict with your wants, the sparks are going to fly.

The Bible makes very clear that there is three basic desires we have that cause conflict: possessions, pleasure, and pride. These desires are legitimate and God-given unless they’re out of control. When you put them above other people and they become the most important things in your life, they will cause conflict.

So what is the cure for arguments? It’s one of the hardest lessons to learn: humility.

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Humor – August 30

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre Museum.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, “Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

(See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else. I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.)

One Liner
“Cigarettes are pretty much like cats: perfectly harmless unless you put one in your mouth and try to set fire to it.”

Thought for the day
“Don’t hang out with angry people; don’t keep company with hotheads. Bad temper is contagious—don’t get infected.” (Proverbs 22:24-25 MSG)

Is anger contagious? Yes. If you are serious about changing an imbedded, habitual lifestyle of inappropriate anger, then you need to start hanging out with other people who know how to manage their anger. The methods we use to express our anger are learned. Since they’re learned, they can be unlearned. Parents, every time you blow up and lose your cool, you’re modeling inappropriate anger to your kids. You’re teaching, and they’re learning.

Humor -August 29

Some smart advice….

Don’t squat with your spurs on.

If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to touch the electric fence for themselves.

One Liner
Warning label seen on a box of hair coloring:
“Do not use as an ice cream topping.”

Thought for the day
“Purify yourselves, because tomorrow the LORD will perform miracles among you” (Joshua 3:5 TEV).

The fact is, God wants to do something great in your future, too. But you have to start by settling the accounts of the past. You have to clean up yesterday.

Humor – August 26

Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife said, “And what’s that supposed to mean?”

And thus, Webster’s Dictionary was born.

One Liner
Golf was invented as a “game” by the same people who invented bagpipes for “music”

Thought for the day
The Bible says in Proverbs 14:30, “A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones” (NIV). It’s not just what you eat that matters, it’s what eats you. You can have all the right macrobiotics and organic food, but if your body is filled with resentment, worry, fear, lust, guilt, anger, bitterness, or any other emotional disease, it’s going to shorten your life.

Humor – August 25

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The woman below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is, technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in Management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

One Liner
“An adolescent is someone who acts like a baby when they aren’t treated like an adult.”

Thought for the day
“If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” (Matthew 7:11 NIV)

God will provide the harvest from the seed you planted, not because you’ve worked yourself into a frenzy or psyched yourself up, but simply because of who God is. He’s faithful, and he can be depended on. He will provide for your needs; he will fulfill his promises.