Auditor: It is your duty as a citizen to pay taxes, and we expect you to pay them with a smile.

Taxpayer (grinning widely): Wonderful! I thought you expected me to pay them with cash!

One Liner
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.

Thought for the day
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” (James 4:1 NIV)

James doesn’t beat around the bush. He says that the cause of arguments is conflicting desires. When my wants conflict with your wants, the sparks are going to fly.

The Bible makes very clear that there is three basic desires we have that cause conflict: possessions, pleasure, and pride. These desires are legitimate and God-given unless they’re out of control. When you put them above other people and they become the most important things in your life, they will cause conflict.

So what is the cure for arguments? It’s one of the hardest lessons to learn: humility.

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre Museum.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, “Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

(See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else. I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.)

One Liner
“Cigarettes are pretty much like cats: perfectly harmless unless you put one in your mouth and try to set fire to it.”

Thought for the day
“Don’t hang out with angry people; don’t keep company with hotheads. Bad temper is contagious—don’t get infected.” (Proverbs 22:24-25 MSG)

Is anger contagious? Yes. If you are serious about changing an imbedded, habitual lifestyle of inappropriate anger, then you need to start hanging out with other people who know how to manage their anger. The methods we use to express our anger are learned. Since they’re learned, they can be unlearned. Parents, every time you blow up and lose your cool, you’re modeling inappropriate anger to your kids. You’re teaching, and they’re learning.

Some smart advice….

Don’t squat with your spurs on.

If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to touch the electric fence for themselves.

One Liner
Warning label seen on a box of hair coloring:
“Do not use as an ice cream topping.”

Thought for the day
“Purify yourselves, because tomorrow the LORD will perform miracles among you” (Joshua 3:5 TEV).

The fact is, God wants to do something great in your future, too. But you have to start by settling the accounts of the past. You have to clean up yesterday.

Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife said, “And what’s that supposed to mean?”

And thus, Webster’s Dictionary was born.

One Liner
Golf was invented as a “game” by the same people who invented bagpipes for “music”

Thought for the day
The Bible says in Proverbs 14:30, “A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones” (NIV). It’s not just what you eat that matters, it’s what eats you. You can have all the right macrobiotics and organic food, but if your body is filled with resentment, worry, fear, lust, guilt, anger, bitterness, or any other emotional disease, it’s going to shorten your life.

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The woman below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is, technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in Management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

One Liner
“An adolescent is someone who acts like a baby when they aren’t treated like an adult.”

Thought for the day
“If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” (Matthew 7:11 NIV)

God will provide the harvest from the seed you planted, not because you’ve worked yourself into a frenzy or psyched yourself up, but simply because of who God is. He’s faithful, and he can be depended on. He will provide for your needs; he will fulfill his promises.

There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said, “To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through the process of exchanging ideas, develop a solution.”

The engineer said, “No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it.”

The programmer said, “I think you’re both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again.”

One Liner
Q: What is the most common craving women experience during pregnancy?

A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Thought for the day
But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your forefathers, as it is today. (Deuteronomy 8:18 NIV)

God is the one who provides for us when we have a need. This means he supplies for our financial needs.

In other words, I don’t look to an employer for my security. I don’t look to my savings for security. I don’t look to anyone or anything other than God to supply my needs.

I’m high maintenance…I take aspirin for the headache caused by the Zyrtec I take for the hayfever I got from Relenza from the uneasy stomach from the Ritalin I take for the short attention span caused by the Scopederm Ts I take for the motion sickness I got from the Lomotil I take for the diarrhea caused by the Zenikal for the uncontrolled weight gain from the Paxil I take for the anxiety from the Zocor I take for my high cholesterol because exercise, a good diet, and regular chiropractic care are just too much trouble.

One Liner
Stress is the glue that holds me together.

Thought for the day
Delayed obedience is disobedience.

THAT’S NOT MY JOB

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody’s job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have.

One Liner
We are all faced with great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.

Thought for the day
Someone else said, “I will follow you, sir; but first let me go and say good-bye to my family.” Jesus said to him, “Anyone who starts to plow and then keeps looking back is of no use for the Kingdom of God.” (Luke 9:61-62 TEV)

Discipleship is not like a career we map out for ourselves: “I’ll do this for Jesus after I get the kids through school and build my retirement fund.” We cannot arrange our service to suit ourselves; otherwise, we end up serving Jesus according to what makes sense to us. . He wants the best for you, and he knows you will find that when you follow him.