When asked to define ‘great’ he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for IRS writing tax regulations.
One Liner
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind, it’s tearable.
REAL QUESTION AT THE CHAPSTICK HOTLINE
9. “Hi, is this the chopstick hotline?”
8. “Okay, I removed the cap. Now what?”
7. “Can I use it to highlight passages in books?”
6. “Is it safe for my kitty’s lips?”
5. “Is it true that the Chinese use these instead of forks?”
4. “I like to dress the tubes in tiny little clothes I make. Is this illegal?”
3. “Is it available in a spray?”
2. “I wrote a 22-page poem about ChapStick. Where do I send it?”
1. “I lost my ChapStick — did anyone turn it in?”
One Liner
It never fails…Cashiers are always checking me out.
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, “Many years ago we made a promise to each other…the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.”
One Liner
Sixty might be the new forty, but 9:00 is the new midnight.
During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my married students, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. Before she left, I asked her, “Are you okay? I noticed you were holding onto your side.”
“Oh, I’m fine,” she answered. “It’s just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little.”
“Well, that’s good,” I said, feeling genuinely relieved.
“Yeah,” she continued. “It’s strange. He normally sleeps during your class…”
One Liner
When you can’t find the sunshine, be the sunshine.
On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.
The husband said, “I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no ‘I’ in the word ‘marriage.”’
The wife said, “For my part, I have never corrected my husband’s spelling.”
One Liner
Having a weird mom builds character.
Teacher: “And how did you spend your summer vacation?”
Pupil: “We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota.”
Teacher: “Very good. Can you tell the class how to spell that?”
Pupil: “Actually, I think we went to Ohio.”
One Liner
What does garlic do when it gets hot? It takes its cloves off.
While directing a chorus rehearsal one day, the director was waving his arms and singing right along. All of a sudden a big fly flew right into his mouth. Of course, he had to stop directing while he was spitting and sputtering, trying to get rid of it.
When he finally got it out, it landed on the floor, either wounded or dead. Someone from the back of the room yells, “Hey Will, your fly is down!”
One Liner
That awkward moment when a zombie looking for brains walks past you.
A 6th grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand and with complete sincerity in his voice, answered, “A lawyer!”
One Liner
Sign language is just a finger of speech.
mike's HUMOR 