Monthly Archives: September 2022

Humor – September 26

On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.

The husband said, “I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no ‘I’ in the word ‘marriage.”’

The wife said, “For my part, I have never corrected my husband’s spelling.”

One Liner

Having a weird mom builds character.

Humor – September 23

Teacher: “And how did you spend your summer vacation?”

Pupil: “We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota.”

Teacher: “Very good. Can you tell the class how to spell that?”

Pupil: “Actually, I think we went to Ohio.”

One Liner

What does garlic do when it gets hot? It takes its cloves off.

Humor – September 22

While directing a chorus rehearsal one day, the director was waving his arms and singing right along. All of a sudden a big fly flew right into his mouth. Of course, he had to stop directing while he was spitting and sputtering, trying to get rid of it. 

When he finally got it out, it landed on the floor, either wounded or dead. Someone from the back of the room yells, “Hey Will, your fly is down!”

One Liner

That awkward moment when a zombie looking for brains walks past you.

Humor – September 21

A 6th grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:

“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?”

After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand and with complete sincerity in his voice, answered, “A lawyer!”

One Liner

Sign language is just a finger of speech.

Humor – September 20

My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it.

My wife frantically swept through my daughter’s room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.

That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt.

On one side it said, “Families are Forever.”

And on the other, “Be Smart, Don’t Start.”

One Liner

People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that just makes me sick.

Humor – September 19

One afternoon a waiter served a bowl of chicken soup to an elderly gentleman. As he turned away to return to the kitchen the customer stopped him, calling: “Waiter!”

WAITER: “Yes, sir, is there something wrong?”
CUSTOMER: “The soup. Taste it.”
WAITER: “I beg your pardon, Sir?”
CUSTOMER: “Taste it.”
WAITER: “But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent.”
CUSTOMER: “Taste it.”
WAITER: “Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients.”
CUSTOMER: “Taste it!”
WAITER: exasperated, “All right, Sir, I’ll taste it.”

Then after a pause he said, “Where is the spoon?”

To which the customer replied triumphantly, “Ah ha!!”

One Liner

I can’t wait to set the clocks back this weekend, and get an extra hour of unable to sleep.