Monthly Archives: May 2016

Humor – May 31

In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.

“Next question,” announced the instructor. “How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?”

I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, “How do you spell ‘intellectual?'”

One Liner
On difference between taxman and taxidermist? Taxidermist leaves skin on. -Mark Twain

Thought for the day
I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13 (NIV)

God pours his power into your life, giving you his strength to do what he’s called to do.

Humor – May 30

Signs Spotted

On a fence, “Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.”

At a car dealership, “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

Outside a muffler shop, “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”

One Liner
There is more to life than increasing its speed.

Thought for the day
Risk your life and get more than you ever dreamed of. Play it safe and end up holding the bag. Luke 19:26 (MSG)

We move forward in faith when we take risks, not just any kind of risk, but ones that are specifically directed by God. These God-nudges push us beyond living life by sight so that we will live life by faith.

Humor – May 27

“Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for my birthday,” little Joshua said to his uncle. “It’s the best present I ever got.”

“That’s great,” said his uncle. “Do you know how to play it?”

“Oh, I don’t play it,” the little fellow replied. “My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night!”

One Liner
I went to a doctor and he told me I was overweight. I told him I wanted a second opinion. He said, “Okay, you’re ugly too.”

Thought for the day
“Reverence for God gives a man deep strength; his children have a place of refuge and security.” (Proverbs 14:26 TLB)

Life is full of storms that batter us, bruise us, and beat us up. Life is very tough, and we all need a place of safety, security, peace, and protection. God has planned that our homes be that place.

Humor – May 26

A man was on a beach when he discovered an old lamp in the sand. He rubbed it and a genie popped out.

The genie said “I will grant you three wishes. The only condition is that you cannot wish for more wishes.”

“Alright,” said the man, “I wish for more genies.”

One Liner
Saw it… Wanted it… Had a fit… Got it!

Thought for the day
“But these things I plan won’t happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!” (Habakkuk 2:3 LB)

Even as you make a decision to follow the dream God places in your heart, you can expect a delay. God will not fulfill your dream immediately, because this is another step toward building your faith.

Humor – May 25

A farmer runs into the pastor of his church after missing the morning service. “I missed you this morning,” the pastor says.

“Well, Rev’rund,” the farmer replied, “I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit on a bale of hay thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay.”

One Liner
I’m on a new diet. No, I haven’t changed my eating habits, I just switched my shower body wash for Dawn dish soap. Its label reads, “Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove.”

Thought for the day
God’s giving to you is based on your attitude. That’s why it’s so important to live with an attitude of gratitude and to be content with what you have. The Bible says, “This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of God’s people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God” (2 Corinthians 9:12 NIV).

Humor – May 24

A taxpayer received a “second notice” that his tax payment was overdue. The next day he went to City Hall, made out a cheque and apologized for overlooking the first notice.

“I’ll tell you a little secret,” said the tax collector with a smile. “We don’t send out first notices. We’ve found that second notices are much more effective.”

One Liner
“I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.”

Thought for the day
“Jesus said, ‘I am the way, the truth, and the life; no man comes to the Father but by me.’ On the surface, that seems the most intolerant of statements. Think of any man on the stage of human history claiming to be the supreme embodiment of all psychological, scientific, and religious truth! He was either an egomaniac, a liar, or He was what He claimed to be. By faith I accepted Him for what He claimed to be, the Son of the Living God. That simple decision changed my life – and I have seen it change the lives of countless others across the world.” – Billy Graham

Humor – May 23

Some Quips for Old Age:

– Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
– There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.
– Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
– Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
– Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
– A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
– The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
– You’re getting old when you’re sitting in a rocker and you can’t get it started.
– You’re getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn’t do anything the night before.
– The cardiologist’s diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
– Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

One Liner
I am going to KILL the person who told me the new iPhone could be used as a bathroom scale!

Thought for the day
You will be made rich in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion … your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God. 2 Corinthians 9:11 (NIV)

What an amazing verse! God makes you rich in every way so you can be generous on every occasion, which will result in thanksgiving to God.