A farmer runs into the pastor of his church after missing the morning service. “I missed you this morning,” the pastor says.

“Well, Rev’rund,” the farmer replied, “I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit on a bale of hay thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay.”

One Liner
I’m on a new diet. No, I haven’t changed my eating habits, I just switched my shower body wash for Dawn dish soap. Its label reads, “Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove.”

Thought for the day
God’s giving to you is based on your attitude. That’s why it’s so important to live with an attitude of gratitude and to be content with what you have. The Bible says, “This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of God’s people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God” (2 Corinthians 9:12 NIV).

A taxpayer received a “second notice” that his tax payment was overdue. The next day he went to City Hall, made out a cheque and apologized for overlooking the first notice.

“I’ll tell you a little secret,” said the tax collector with a smile. “We don’t send out first notices. We’ve found that second notices are much more effective.”

One Liner
“I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.”

Thought for the day
“Jesus said, ‘I am the way, the truth, and the life; no man comes to the Father but by me.’ On the surface, that seems the most intolerant of statements. Think of any man on the stage of human history claiming to be the supreme embodiment of all psychological, scientific, and religious truth! He was either an egomaniac, a liar, or He was what He claimed to be. By faith I accepted Him for what He claimed to be, the Son of the Living God. That simple decision changed my life – and I have seen it change the lives of countless others across the world.” – Billy Graham

Some Quips for Old Age:

– Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
– There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.
– Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
– Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
– Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
– A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
– The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
– You’re getting old when you’re sitting in a rocker and you can’t get it started.
– You’re getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn’t do anything the night before.
– The cardiologist’s diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
– Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

One Liner
I am going to KILL the person who told me the new iPhone could be used as a bathroom scale!

Thought for the day
You will be made rich in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion … your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God. 2 Corinthians 9:11 (NIV)

What an amazing verse! God makes you rich in every way so you can be generous on every occasion, which will result in thanksgiving to God.

HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining. The day is young. We’ve got our whole lives ahead of us. And you’re inside worrying about a stupid, burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. Not only that, but I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

Dachshund: I can’t reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. What are servants for?

Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.

Doberman Pinscher: While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there…

Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle…

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

One Liner
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

Thought for the day
Noah did everything exactly as God had commanded him. Genesis 6:22 (NLT)

Noah obeyed completely (no instruction was overlooked) and he obeyed exactly (in the way and time God wanted it done). That is wholeheartedness. It is no wonder God smiled on Noah.

God doesn’t owe you an explanation or reason for everything he asks you to do. Understanding can wait, but obedience can’t. Instant obedience will teach you more about God than a lifetime of Bible discussions. In fact, you will never understand some commands until you obey them first. Obedience unlocks understanding.

Says one humorist: “Life is unfair. I lost my car keys at a ball game and never found them. I lost my sunglasses at the beach and never found them. I lost my socks in the washing machine and never found them. I lost three pounds on a diet — I found them and five more.”

One Liner
“I’m a pretty patient person – just as long as I’m not kept waiting for anything.”

Thought for the day
“If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine” (John 8:31 NASB).

It’s the long-term commitment to learning from Jesus and his Word that makes us his disciples.