Last year I entered a marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.

The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, “Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?”

I replied: “You really want to know?”

Then I dropped out of the race.

One Liner
There would be less childhood inactivity if children had to chop wood to keep their smart phones going.

Thought for the day
“Be careful that no one fails to receive God’s grace” Hebrews 12:15 NCV

You need grace. We all do!  Only when we let go of the fear of failure will it let go of its maddening grip on our lives. Once that happens, we can fully accept the grace of God.

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise.

My boss asked, “What companies?”

Gas, water and electricity.

[forwarded by Jim Moss]

One Liner
Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

Thought for the day
“For the law was given through Moses, but God’s unfailing love and faithfulness came through Jesus Christ” John 1:17 NLT

God’s grace is entirely wrapped up in a person: Jesus. You can’t get it through religion or ritual. You can’t get it by following the rules.  You get it through Jesus.  God’s grace is free. You simply need to accept it.

MURPHY’s TECHNOLOGY LAWS

Murphy’s Technology Law #1: You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Murphy’s Technology Law #2: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Murphy’s Technology Law #3: Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

Murphy’s Technology Law #4: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Murphy’s Technology Law #5: An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he/she knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Murphy’s Technology Law #6: Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he’ll have to touch to be sure.

Murphy’s Technology Law #7: All great discoveries are made by mistake.

One Liner
If a gang of robbers dove into a swimming pool, would that cause a crime wave?

Thought for the day
“Don’t you see that you can’t live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? . . . So let people see God in and through your body” 1 Corinthians 6:20 The Message

You can’t really understand the grace of God and the price he paid to make it available to you while living how you want to live, ignoring the commands of Jesus, or wasting your life on things that don’t matter.

SIGNS FOUND IN KITCHENS
~ A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.
~ If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.
~ A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
~ Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
~ A clean kitchen is a sign of a misspent life.
~ Help keep the kitchen clean – eat out.
~ Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
~ My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines.

One Liner
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

Thoughts for the day
“And Jesus said to him, ‘Go; your faith has made you well.’ Immediately he regained his sight and began following Him on the road” Mark 10:52 NASB

I don’t know what step you need to take next, but I do know that you need to take it.

A minister in a little church announced: “Before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Brother Martin’s hen house please refrain from giving any money to the Lord.  The Lord doesn’t want money from a thief!”

The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.

One Liner
Feet smell? Nose runs? Hey, you’re upside down!

Thought for the day
“By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going” Hebrews 11:8 NIV

Faith is following God’s instructions, even when they don’t make sense, even when they don’t seem logical or rational. Faith means being obedient.

We were camping with our granddaughters 5- and 3-years-old at a state park and hiking on one of the trails.

The 5-year-old asked for a walking stick, so I found a limb on the ground and trimmed off the little stems and such. Hiking a little further and thinking the 3-year-old would want one also, I found another limb on the ground that fit her size and trimmed it down and gave it to her.

After about ten steps or so, she slings the stick out into the woods and states, “I don’t need this, I’m not Moses.”

One Liner
Failure is not an option! It comes bundled with the software.

Thought for the day
“I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry” Psalm 40:1 NIV

One of the most obvious evidences of faith is how you respond to the waiting rooms of life.

A first-grader came to the ophthalmology office where I work to have his vision checked. He sat down and I turned off the lights.

Then I switched on a projector that flashed the letters F, Z and B on a screen. I asked the boy what he saw.

Without hesitation he replied, “Consonants.”

One Liner
I told my wife that I put the man in roMANtic. She doesn’t look convinced.

Thought for the day
“According to your faith let it be done to you” Matthew 9:29 NIV

Faith is positive expectation. You expect God to answer. You expect the solution to come through. You expect things to work out. You expect to succeed. You expect it all to fall into place. Expectations are faith.

It was approaching the end of the year at John’s school, and so near prom time. He decided that he wanted to try his luck and ask the most popular girl in his year out. So he got in line to ask her, and he waited, and he waited, and he waited. When he finally got to the front of the line, he was amazed because the girl said yes! She also handed him a long list of criteria he would have to meet for her to go with him.

The first criterion was a limousine. So he went to the limousine shop and, as it was near prom time, he waited and waited and waited to get to the front of the line and hired a limousine. The second criterion was a suit from the most prestigious clothes maker in the city. So John went to that shop and waited and waited and waited to be fitted. Once he got his suit he looked at the list and chased up the next criteria on the list (roses, tickets, chauffeur, etc.) and at each one he had to wait for a very long line.

Finally it was the night of the prom. John went and picked up the girl in his limousine, had the chauffeur drive them to the prom, picked up his roses, and arrived at the prom venue. To get in to the prom they waited and waited to get in. When they finally got to their seats, John’s girl asked him to get her a glass of punch. When John got to the punch table, he was surprised, because there was no punch line.

One Liner
Always borrow money from pessimists. They don’t expect to be paid back.

Thought for the day
“After this, the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision . . . ‘A son who is your own flesh and blood will be your heir.’ He took him outside and said, ‘Look up at the sky and count the stars—if indeed you can count them.’ Then he said to him, ‘So shall your offspring be.’ Abram believed the Lord, and he credited it to him as righteousness.” Genesis 15:1, 4-6 NIV

God stretched Abraham’s imagination by telling him to look up at the stars and try to count them—that’s how many descendants God promised that Abraham would have. The entire Jewish nation came from this man.

Abraham had something he could visualize. Every night when he walked outside, he could look up and say, “That’s going to be my family!”

God grows our faith by stretching our imagination, by giving us a dream. What you can dream and believe in faith, you can achieve.

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog’s owner, Ron, and his wife, Lisa, and their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker and they were hoping for a miracle.

I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn’t do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.

As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for four-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker’s family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.

The little boy seemed to accept Belker’s transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker’s death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives.

Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, “I know why.”

Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I’d never heard a more comforting explanation.

He said, “People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life — like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?”

The four-year-old continued, “Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don’t have to stay as long.”

One Liner
One day you’ll find someone who doesn’t care about your past because they want to be part of your future.

Thought for the day
“Glory belongs to God, whose power is at work in us. By this power he can do infinitely more than we can ask or imagine”  Ephesians 3:20 GW

Imagine the greatest things that could happen in your life. Whatever you imagine, God can outdo it!