Monthly Archives: January 2020

Humor – January 31

Last year I entered a marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.

The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, “Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?”

I replied: “You really want to know?”

Then I dropped out of the race.

One Liner
There would be less childhood inactivity if children had to chop wood to keep their smart phones going.

Thought for the day
“Be careful that no one fails to receive God’s grace” Hebrews 12:15 NCV

You need grace. We all do!  Only when we let go of the fear of failure will it let go of its maddening grip on our lives. Once that happens, we can fully accept the grace of God.

Humor – January 30

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise.

My boss asked, “What companies?”

Gas, water and electricity.

[forwarded by Jim Moss]

One Liner
Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

Thought for the day
“For the law was given through Moses, but God’s unfailing love and faithfulness came through Jesus Christ” John 1:17 NLT

God’s grace is entirely wrapped up in a person: Jesus. You can’t get it through religion or ritual. You can’t get it by following the rules.  You get it through Jesus.  God’s grace is free. You simply need to accept it.

Humor – January 29

MURPHY’s TECHNOLOGY LAWS

Murphy’s Technology Law #1: You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Murphy’s Technology Law #2: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Murphy’s Technology Law #3: Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

Murphy’s Technology Law #4: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Murphy’s Technology Law #5: An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he/she knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Murphy’s Technology Law #6: Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he’ll have to touch to be sure.

Murphy’s Technology Law #7: All great discoveries are made by mistake.

One Liner
If a gang of robbers dove into a swimming pool, would that cause a crime wave?

Thought for the day
“Don’t you see that you can’t live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? . . . So let people see God in and through your body” 1 Corinthians 6:20 The Message

You can’t really understand the grace of God and the price he paid to make it available to you while living how you want to live, ignoring the commands of Jesus, or wasting your life on things that don’t matter.

Humor – January 28

SIGNS FOUND IN KITCHENS
~ A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.
~ If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.
~ A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
~ Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
~ A clean kitchen is a sign of a misspent life.
~ Help keep the kitchen clean – eat out.
~ Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
~ My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines.

One Liner
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

Thoughts for the day
And Jesus said to him, ‘Go; your faith has made you well.’ Immediately he regained his sight and began following Him on the road” Mark 10:52 NASB

I don’t know what step you need to take next, but I do know that you need to take it.

 

Humor – January 27

A minister in a little church announced: “Before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Brother Martin’s hen house please refrain from giving any money to the Lord.  The Lord doesn’t want money from a thief!”

The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.

One Liner
Feet smell? Nose runs? Hey, you’re upside down!

Thought for the day
“By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going” Hebrews 11:8 NIV

Faith is following God’s instructions, even when they don’t make sense, even when they don’t seem logical or rational. Faith means being obedient.

Humor – January 24

We were camping with our granddaughters 5- and 3-years-old at a state park and hiking on one of the trails.

The 5-year-old asked for a walking stick, so I found a limb on the ground and trimmed off the little stems and such. Hiking a little further and thinking the 3-year-old would want one also, I found another limb on the ground that fit her size and trimmed it down and gave it to her.

After about ten steps or so, she slings the stick out into the woods and states, “I don’t need this, I’m not Moses.”

One Liner
Failure is not an option! It comes bundled with the software.

Thought for the day
“I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry” Psalm 40:1 NIV

One of the most obvious evidences of faith is how you respond to the waiting rooms of life.