Monthly Archives: November 2014
Humor Pic of the Week
Humor – November 28
How to tell if you celebrated a Redneck Thanksgiving
– You’ve ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
– Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
– You’ve ever re-used a paper plate.
– You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say ‘Cool Whip’ on the side.
– You’ve ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
– Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.
– Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
– Your stuffing secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
– Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.
– Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
– You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.
– The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”.
– You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
– You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
– Your secret family recipe is illegal.
– You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.
“The difference between chickens and turkeys is that chicken’s celebrate Thanksgiving!!”
Thought for the day
Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!” Matthew 25:21 (NIV)
The point of living your life to the fullest in every aspect is not to increase your reputation; it’s to make your life count for God
‘TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING
‘Twas the night of Thanksgiving,
But I just couldn’t sleep.
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep
The leftovers beckoned
The dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation,
The thought of a snack became infatuation!
So I raced to the kitchen,
Flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground!!
I crashed through the ceiling, floated into the sky
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie,
But I managed to yell
as I soared past the trees …
HAPPY EATING TO ALL, PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE!!
Eat More Beef this Thanksgiving!
Humor – November 26
Thanksgiving day was approaching, and the family received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church.
Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, “The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers.”
“Oh yeah?” her young grandson replied. “So why is their dad carrying that rifle?”
Someone showed me how static electricity worked today. I was shocked
Thought for the day
“Give God all your worries and all your cares for he is always thinking about you watching everything that concerns you” (1 Peter 5:7).
Whatever concerns you, concerns God. Whatever you’re worried about, whatever you’re afraid of, whatever keeps you up at night, whatever gets your attention, gets God’s attention. No one will care more about your life, so why not give him your life to care about?
Humor – November 25
You Are Probably Overdoing Thanksgiving If…
* You spill more food on you than the local soup kitchen dispenses.
* Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the Lazy Boy.
* The gravy boat your wife set out was a real 12′ boat!
* The potatoes you used set off another famine in Ireland.
* You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail.
* You set off an earthquake seismograph on your morning jog on Friday.
* Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.
* You have 5 TV sets all side-by-side to catch all 5 football games.
* Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.
* Your arms have gotten too short to tie your shoes.
“Thanksgiving was never meant to be shut up in a single day.” – Robert Caspar Lintner
Thought for the day
“For he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant.” Luke 1:48a (NIV)
No one cares more about your life than God. No man, no woman, not even you. That’s why God’s destiny is always the best. God loves you perfectly and he is always thinking about you and thinking about what is best for you.
Humor – November 24
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”
The golden rule of Twitter is “Tweet others like you want to be tweeted.”
Thought for the day
People who excel sharpen their skills. They never stop developing, growing, learning, and improving: “If your ax is dull and you don’t sharpen it, you have to work harder to use it. It is smarter to plan ahead” (Ecclesiastes 10:10 TEV). It takes more than desire to excel; it takes skill! Remember: You’re never wasting time when you’re sharpening your “ax.”
Humor Pic of the Week
Humor – November 21
NEW COMPANY POLICIES
The following policies are hereby effective immediately:
SICKNESS: We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.
YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees’ supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.
PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:
Gross pay $1,222.02
Income tax $ 244.40
Outgo tax $ 45.21
State tax $ 11.61
Interstate tax $ 61.10
County tax $ 6.11
City tax $ 12.22
Rural tax $ 4.44
Back tax $ 1.11
Front tax $ 1.16
Side tax $ 1.61
Up tax $ 2.22
Down tax $ 1.11
Tic-Tacs $ 1.98
Thumbtacks $ 3.93
Carpet tacks $ 0.98
Stadium tax $ 0.69
Flat tax $ 8.32
Surtax $ 3.46
Corporate tax $ 2.60
Parking fee $ 5.00
F.I.C.A. $ 81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund $ 9.95
Life insurance $ 5.85
Health insurance $ 16.23
Dental insurance $ 4.50
Mental insurance $ 4.33
Reassurance $ 0.11
Disability $ 2.50
Ability $ 0.25
Liability $ 3.41
Unreliability $ 10.99
Coffee $ 6.85
Coffee Cups $ 66.51
Floor rental $ 16.85
Chair rental $ 0.32
Desk rental $ 4.32
Union dues $ 5.85
Union don’ts $ 3.77
Cash advance $ 0.69
Cash retreats $ 121.35
Overtime $ 1.26
Undertime $ 54.83
Eastern time $ 9.00
Central time $ 8.00
Mountain time $ 7.00
Pacific time $ 6.00
Time Out $ 12.21
Oxygen $ 10.02
Water $ 16.54
Heat $ 51.42
Cool air $ 26.83
Hot air $ 20.00
Miscellaneous $ 113.29
Sundry $ 12.09
Various $ 8.01
Net Take Home Pay $ 0.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.