Bob: What do mummies like to listen to on Halloween?
Bill: I don’t know – what?
Bob: Wrap music!

One Liner
Q: What is a ghost’s nose full of?
A: Boooooogers.

Thought for the day
“But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere” James 3:17 NIV

Wise people are not defensive. They’re not stubborn. They’re open to reason. They’re willing to listen and learn. James 3:17 describes wisdom as “submissive,” but that word really means reasonable, willing to listen, and open to ideas and suggestions.

My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew.

After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, “You mean you can do all that, but you can’t operate a cell phone?”

One Liner
When we say that something is “going down the drain” — isn’t that better than if it were coming up it?

Thought for the day
“A wise man controls his temper. He knows that anger causes mistakes” Proverbs 14:29 TLB

If you want to be wise in your relationships, don’t antagonize others’ anger.

Two kids are talking to each other. One says, “I’m really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I’m worried sick!”

The other kid says, “What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you’ve got it made!”

The first kid says, “What if they try to escape?”

One Liner
When I was born, my father came into the room and gave me a funny look. And as you can see, I’ve still got it!

Thought for the day
“But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere” James 3:17 NIV

Wise people work at maintaining harmony.

My niece bought her five-year-old daughter Kayleigh a hamster. One day he escaped from his cage. The family turned the house upside-down and finally found him.

Several weeks later, while Kayleigh was at school, he disappeared again. She searched frantically … but never found the critter.

Hoping to make the loss less painful for Kayleigh, my niece took the cage out of her room. When Kayleigh came home from school that afternoon, she climbed into her mother’s lap. “We have a serious problem,” she announced. “Not only is my hamster gone again, but this time he took his cage.”

One Liner
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Thought for the day
”Christ makes us one body and individuals who are connected to each other” Romans 12:5 GW

The church not only helps you center on God, it also helps you connect with other believers.

A teenager who had just received her learner’s permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.

The mother got out of the car and said, “Thank you!”

“Any time,” her daughter replied.

As the woman slammed the door, she said, “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to God.”

One Liner
Ever feel like you’re diagonally parked in a parallel universe?

Thought for the day
2 Peter 3:18, “Grow in spiritual strength and become better acquainted with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ” (TLB).

You grow in spiritual strength by using your money to develop skills and educate yourself, to become a better leader, a better speaker, a better prayer, or just a better person.

A pastor was having an awful time with his congregation and eventually decided to pack it in.

At the close of the next Sunday morning service he announced, “Some years ago Jesus brought me to this congregation. Jesus is now taking me away from it.”

With those remarks he sat down somewhat abruptly and it was left to the organist to announce the closing hymn. “How appropriate,” he commented, “that we sing hymn number 104 – ‘What a friend we have in Jesus.'”

One Liner
I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.

Thought for the day
“Honor the Lord by giving him the first part of all your income” Proverbs 3:9 TLB

That’s called tithing. Tithing actually means 10 percent, and it’s the first part of your income.

Tithing doesn’t just honor God. It is also an act of worship.

A customer called his car-rental company and said he needed a tow. The driver named the highway where he was stranded — but he didn’t know the make of the car he was driving.

The representative asked for a more detailed description beyond “a blue four-door.”

After a pause, the driver replied: “It’s the one on fire.”

[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]

One Liner
There will always be death and taxes. The difference is that death doesn’t get worse every year.

Thought for the day
Ephesians 2:10 says, “God . . . has made us what we are and given us new lives from Christ Jesus; and long ages ago he planned that we should spend these lives in helping others” (TLB).

There’s a word for this: ministry. Every Christian is a minister. Not every Christian is a pastor, but every Christian is to be a minister. That means you use your talents and gifts to make a contribution in life, to be a giver, not a taker.

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. The conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.

Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups – porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain-looking, some expensive, and some exquisite – telling them to help themselves to the coffee.

After all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: “If you noticed, all the nice-looking, expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is but normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.

“Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases, it’s just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups…and then began eyeing each other’s cups.

“Now consider this: Life is the coffee, and the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain life, and the type of cup we have does not define nor change the quality of life we live. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us.”

God brews the coffee, not the cups . . . enjoy your coffee.

One Liner
Some of your best memories will come from some of your most foolish decisions.

Thought for the day
”Spend time with the wise and you will become wise, but the friends of fools will suffer” Proverbs 13:20 NCV

Have you ever heard the old phrase, “If you want to soar with the eagles, you can’t run with the turkeys”?  If you’re going to be wise, you’ve got to get some wise people in your life.