Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular. “When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I’d get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o’ bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans…all for a dollar!!”

Then Grandpa said sadly, “You can’t DO that anymore…..they got those video cameras everywhere you look.”

One Liner
I’ve learned that the Lord didn’t do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

Thought for the day
Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that built up” (GN).

Harmful words create hurtful memories. Those words that are spoken in anger and belittle our weaknesses and our faults and our failings are like knives in the heart. You don’t want to leave harmful words in your family’s memories. Instead, choose your words carefully, and speak in love.

HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS

Actual writings from hospital charts

~ The patient refused autopsy.

~ Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

~ On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

~ The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

~ Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

~ She is numb from her toes down.

~ The skin was moist and dry.

~ Occasional,constant infrequent headaches.

~ Patient was alert and unresponsive.

~ I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

~ Skin: somewhat pale but present.

~ Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

One Liner
So these two air-heads walk into a building…You’d think one of them would have seen it.

Thought for the day
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. (Ephesians 3:16–17 NIV)

Perhaps you’ve noticed the small stickers on many computers that say, “Powered by [this brand of chip].” In a sense, you have the “God-chip” powering your life as a follower of Christ. You are empowered by the one and only Holy God, who’s placed his Holy Spirit within you.

A man who hadn’t attended church in years suddenly began attending faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing as was his normal habit.

The pastor was highly gratified and at the end of service one morning told him, “How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!”

“Well, Preacher,” said the fisherman, “Quite honestly, it’s a matter of choice. I’d much rather hear your sermon than hers.”

One Liner
If I use up all my sick days, do I need to call in dead?

Thought for the day
Each of you should go on living according to the Lord’s gift to you, and as you were when God called you. This is the rule I teach in all the churches. 1 Corinthians 7:17 (TEV)

God does not expect you to glorify Him with gifts you don’t have. But He does expect you to glorify Him with gifts you do have.

To fulfill God’s will for you life, you need work that expresses what God made you to be. If you’re in a job that is not using the talents, gifts, abilities, and interests that God gave you, you may want to pray about whether or not you’re in a mismatched job.

If you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could get used to that.

And another thing; before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. That wouldn’t bother me either.

If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business; you swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too.

Also, your husband expects you to growl when you wake up. He expects you to have hairy legs and excess body fat. He likes it.

I wish I were a bear.

One Liner
Cholesterophobia: The fear of frying.

Thought for the day
“God caused the Bible to be written for the express purpose of revealing to man God’s plan for redemption. God caused this Book to be written that He might make His everlasting laws clear to His children, and that they might have His great wisdom to guide them and His great love to comfort them as they make their way through life. For without the Bible, this world would indeed be a dark and frightening place, without signpost or beacon.” – Billy Graham

I was at the drug store to pick up my prescription. The line wasn’t clearly formed, and there was an old man with a cane nearby me. It was unclear as to who was next.

When we got to the front of the line, the man gestured to me and said, “After you.”

I smiled at him and said, “No, please, after you. I have all day.”

Then he said, “No. You go ahead. My doctor says I have at least six months.”

One Liner
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

Thought for the day
The Bible says in Colossians 3:16, “Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly” (NIV). Paul is telling us to let the Bible take up residence in our lives in a rich, profound, and life-giving way.

In an upscale pet-supply store, a customer wanted to buy a red sweater for her dog. The clerk suggested that she bring her dog in for a proper fit.

“I can’t do that!” the lady said. “The sweater is a surprise!”

One Liner
“How strange that Nature does not knock, and yet does not intrude!”
~ Emily Dickinson

Thought for the day
“Faith like Job’s cannot be shaken because it is the result of having been shaken.” – Abraham Heschel

Lady Astor once said to Winston Churchill at a party, “Sir, if you were my husband, I would put poison in your tea.” To which Churchill retorted, “And Madame, if you were my wife, I would drink it!”

One Liner
Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can’t blame on the government.

Thought for the day
“Be quick to listen, slow to speak …” James 1:19a

Give it your full attention. Be alert. Don’t miss it. “… slow to speak …” When I’m talking, I’m not listening. God gave us two ears and one mouth so we ought to listen twice as much as we talk. Many of our problems are caused because we’re quick to speak rather than being quick to listen. Be careful in your attitude. Be ready. Be intent. Be ready to receive God’s word. Be careful.

A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”
“Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man.
“How long have I got?”
“Ten,” the doctor says sadly.
“Ten?” the man asks. “Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!”
“Nine…”

One Liner
“I’m going to win,” said Bette.

Thought for the day
Wise people live in wealth and luxury, but stupid people spend their money as fast as they get it. Proverbs 21:20 (TEV)

There is a question you can ask yourself that will help you save more money: “Do I really need this?”