Monthly Archives: January 2018

Humor – January 18

DICTIONARY FOR THE CHURCH

AMEN:
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN:
1) Air conditioning.
2) Your receipt for attending services.

CHOIR:
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

HYMN:
A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than the congregation’s range.

HYMN, RECESSIONAL:
The last song, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

JONAH:
The original “Jaws” story.

MAGI:
The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

One LINER
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Thought for the day
Do not boast about [what you’re going to do] tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth. Proverbs 27:1 (NIV)

Timeless principles for uncertain future:
1.  Let God set your goals
2.  Live one day at a time
3.  Don’t procrastinate

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Humor – January 17

A teacher gave her class of second graders a lesson on the magnet and what it does.

The next day in a written test, she included this question:

“My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I am strong and attractive. I pick up things. What am I?”

When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find that almost 50 percent of the students answered the question with the word “Mother.”

One LINER
I’d like to be the ideal mother, but I’m too busy raising my kids.

Thought for the day
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

In my joy and success, I need to learn to acknowledge him!

Humor – January 16

Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. “I teach math there,” I explained.

The trooper smiled, and said, “Okay, here’s a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what’s her total cost?”

I replied, “Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I’d say zero.”

He handed me back my license. “Math was never my favorite subject,” he admitted. “Please slow down.”

One Liner
I heard that how you dress sends a message to everyone around you. I think my message must be, “Help! Help!”

Thought for the day
But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves.  James 1:22

Someone asked, “What’s the best translation of the Bible?”  The best translation is when you translate it into your life.  You become a Bible.  We’re either Bibles or we’re liables!

Humor – January 15

One morning, when my son was about 19 months, he saw me putting on a pale green face-mask. (Something I rarely do.)

“What ‘ou doin’?” he said.

“I’m putting on a face mask,” I replied.

“What it for?” he asked.

“It’s to make Mummy look more beautiful,” I told him.

He stood looking at me in that considering way that small children have, then said as gently as possible, “Well…it doesn’t.”

One LINER  
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Thought for the day 
Psalm 121:1-2
I lift up my eyes to the hills — where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

Humor – January 12

The Final Exam

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.”

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an “A” when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: “What chair?”

One Liner
I finally remembered the punch line! But now I forgot the joke.

Thought for the day
Matthew 5:18, “For truly I tell you, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished” (NIV).

Jesus says the Bible will last until the end of time!