Monthly Archives: January 2018

Humor – January 31

Little Jennie, age six, proudly told her mother that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.

“How did that happen?” gasped her mother.

“It wasn’t easy,” admitted the young lady, “but three girls helped me catch him.”

Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.

Thought for the day
“When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, ‘Do you want to get well?'” (John 5:6 NIV).

The question lingers for you: Do you really want to be healed?

In the scripture above and in life stands the Great Healer holding out help, acutely aware that we can’t, but God can, knowing this to be true because he was on a mission that would provide the only way we can be re-created whole and healthy. Jesus was on the road to Calvary.

Humor – January 30

“Lawyer Jury”

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial.

It was nearly 4 p.m.and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom

The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, “Well have they got a verdict yet?”

The bailiff shook his head and said, “Verdict? They’re still doing nominating speeches for the foreman’s position!”

“The real problem is not why some pious, humble, believing people suffer, but why some do not.” – C.S. Lewis

Thought for the day 
“Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on …” (Philippians 3:13-14 NIV).

Forget the past and focus on the future. Your past is past! It’s water under the bridge. You can’t change it so you may as well stop worrying about it

Humor – January 29

You Might be a Preacher if….

– You’ve ever dreamed you were preaching only to awaken and discover you were
– You’re leading the church into the 21st century, but you don’t know what you’re preaching on Sunday
– You’ve ever wondered why people couldn’t die at more appropriate times
– Instead of getting “ticked off,” you get “grieved in your spirit.”
– You’ve ever been tempted to take an offering at a family reunion
– You’ve ever wanted to “lay hands” on a deacon’s neck.
– Everybody stops talking when you enter the room.
– You’ve ever wanted to give the sound man some feedback of your own.
– You’ve ever stretched the truth at a funeral.
– You’d rather negotiate with terrorists than the church organist.
– You’ve seen more religion at a pool hall than you’ve seen at a Church Softball Game.
– Your Bible has more side notes than printed text.  

“A Florida man recently called 911 twice because his Italian Subway was missing its sauce.” – (Source: Newsweek, 8/18/08)

Thought for the day   
Romans 8:29 (Msg)
God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him.

You were created to become like Christ

Humor – January 26

An amateur genealogical researcher discovered that his great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription:

“Remus Starr; horse thief; sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887; robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives. Convicted and hanged 1889.”

In a Family History subsequently written by the researcher, Remus’s picture is cropped so that all that’s seen is a head shot. The accompanying biographical sketch is as follows:

“Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.”

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Thought for the day
Psalm 119:14
I rejoice in following your statutes as one rejoices in great riches.

Our treasure and our truth come from God’s Holy Word!!

Humor – January 25

A woman was working in her yard with the weed whacker, when she accidentally cut off the tail of her cat.

She ran screaming into the house, and told her husband, wondering what to do.

He replied calmly, “Get the cat, and the tail, and we’ll take them to Wal-Mart.”

She was incredulous. “How could that possibly help?” she asked.

“Well,” he replied, “they’re the world’s largest retailer.”

Don’t judge a book by its movie.

Thought for the day 
Psalm 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

Where can we go when all the walls fall and all the armies crumble and all hope is lost? To the eternal God, who is our Father!!

Humor – January 24

If Jesus were to do His same ministry on earth today, He would be wanted by…

..the FDA for turning water into wine without a license,

..the EPA for killing fig trees,

..the AMA for practicing medicine without a license,

..the Dept. of Health for asking people to open graves, for raising the dead and for feeding 5,000 people in the wilderness,

..the NEA for teaching without a certificate,

..OSHA for walking on water without a life-jacket and for flying without an airplane,

..the SPCA for driving hogs into the sea,

..the National Board of Psychiatrists for giving advice on how to live a guilt-free life,

..and by the Zoning Dept. for building mansions without a permit.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Thought for the day  
1 John 4:9
This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.

The beginning of love is God. He showed his love in the most sacrificial of ways so we could know our incredible value to him.

Humor – January 23

A little woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, “Mount Sainai Hospital? Hello, Darling. I’d like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don’t want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse. I want all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z.”

The voice on the other line said, “Would you hold the line please, that’s a very unusual request.”

Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, “Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?”

She said, “Yes, darling! I’d like to know the information about Sarah Finkel in Room 302.”

He said, “Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Farber, Feinberg — Finkel. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her doctor says if she continues improving as she is, he is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o’clock.”

The woman said, “Thank God! That’s wonderful! She’s going home at twelve o’clock! I’m so happy to hear that. That’s wonderful news.”

The guy on the other end says, “From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family.”

She said, “What close family? I’m Sarah Finkel! My doctor don’t tell me nothing.”

One Liner
Political Procedure: Somebody speaks at length but says nothing, nobody listens, and then everybody disagrees.

Thought for the day
“Ask and it shall be given, seek and ye shall find, knock and the door will be opened” (Luke 11:9 NIV)

Ask, seek, knock—ASK. God wants you to learn to ask. Have you ever asked God for something and didn’t expect to get it? That’s why you didn’t get it 


Humor – January 22

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back to the doctor for a test a month later. The doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again.”

To which the gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

One Liner
I’ve decided to stop beating around the bush. I’m going to move on to the ornamental shrubbery.

Thought for the day
Taking bread, he blessed it, broke it, and gave it to them, saying, “This is my body, given for you. Eat it in my memory.” He did the same with the cup after supper, saying, “This cup is the new covenant written in my blood, blood poured out for you.” Luke 22:19-20 (Msg)

Jesus sets us free from ourselves; he sets us free from our fears; and he sets us free from our sin and our guilt. This is why we celebrate Easter!