A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, “Is my wife here?”
His wife replies, “Yes, dear, I’m here, next to you.”
The man goes, “Are my children here?”
“Yes, Daddy, we are all here,” say the children.
“Are my other relatives also here?”
And they say, “Yes, we are all here…”
The man sits up and says, “Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?”
If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.
Last night I was telling my kids about Jesus calming the storm in Mark 4. I told them how Jesus and the disciples were all in a boat crossing a lake when a storm came up and threatened to sink the craft. Meanwhile, Jesus had fallen asleep in the stern.
So the disciples, fearing for their lives, went back and woke Jesus, hoping he could do something to save them. I said Jesus woke up and said “Quiet…”
To which my son interjected, “I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
If you replace “W” with “T” in “What, Where and When,, you get the answer to each of them.
Little Emily was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony. When it was over, she asked her mother, “Why did the lady change her mind?”
Her mother asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, she went down the aisle with one man and came back with another one.”
Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re
running around with other women,” she told her mate.
“Eve, honey, you’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You know you’re
the only woman on earth.”
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a
strange pain in his side. It was his darling Eve poking him rather
vigorously about the torso.
“What are you doing?” Adam demanded.
“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.
Can weather be clement?
Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, “Amen, Brother!”
When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, “Preach it Reverend!”
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, “Right on, Brother! Tell it like it is…Amen!”
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, “He’s quit preaching and now he’s just meddling!
It is no illusion that wide ties make the face look wider.
Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check.”
“Oh, by the way don’t worry about my bulldog Spike. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!” “I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”
When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”
To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
“Here’s a copy of the service,” the pastor said impatiently. “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”
During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”
At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star Spangled Banner.”
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist.
“No,” says the psychic, “in biology class.”
Break a bad habit – Drop it.