The lady woke her husband up one Sunday morning. “Come on, time to get ready for church.”

“Do I have to?”

“Yes you do.”

“I just want to sleep in for ONE Sunday, PLEASE.”

“No. You can sleep in tomorrow.”

“Why do I HAVE to get up and go to church EVERY Sunday?”

“Well, you’re the pastor.”

One Liner
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Thought for the day
“Then Caleb silenced the people before Moses and said, ‘We should go up and take possession of the land, for we can certainly do it.'” (Numbers 13:30 NIV)

God wants you confident in the truth that, through him, all things are possible.

A crew of highway maintenance workers was sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.

As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one crew member looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway.

Turning to a co-worker he said, “I wonder how long he’s been waiting to cross?”

One Liner
Don’t be discouraged. It’s often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock.

Thought for the day
God deeply desires that we know him intimately. In fact, he planned the universe and orchestrated history, including the details of our lives, so that we could become his friends. The Bible says, “He made the entire human race and made the earth hospitable, with plenty of time and space for living so we could seek after God, and not just grope around in the dark but actually find him” (Acts 17:26–27 MSG).

Jimmy was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents. When she rang the bell, Jimmy answered.

“I’d like to talk to your mother or father,” said the teacher.

“Sorry, but they ain’t here,” he told her.

“Jimmy!” she said, “what is it with your grammar?”

“Beats me,” Jimmy replied, “but dad sure was mad that they had t’go bail her out again!”

One Liner
The greatest of all faults is to imagine you have none.

Thought for the day
Know whom you want to please (John 5:30) — Jesus never let the fear of rejection manipulate him. No one can pressure you without your permission. You can’t please everyone; even God can’t!

Know what goals you need to reach (John 8:14) — Jesus said, “I know where I came from and where I am going.” Preparation prevents pressure, but procrastination produces it. You work by either priorities or pressures.

A junior-high student was studying astronomy and enjoying it greatly.

One morning at breakfast she mentioned, “On Friday we’re having a quiz on the moon.”

Her little brother piped up: “Are you gonna let her go, Mom??”

One Liner
A full year of experience takes a full year of experience.

Thought for the day
Know how to maintain your priorities (Luke 4:42–44) — Jesus knew how to handle interruptions without being distracted from his primary goal.

The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson. “Worker ants,” she told them, “can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?”

One child was ready with the answer: “They don’t have a union.”

One Liner
“One is given strength to bear what happens to one, but not the one hundred and one different things that might happen.” – C. S. Lewis

Thought for the day
The Bible says, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear …” (1 John 4:18 NIV). God is love, and the more you fill your life with God, the less fear you are going to have.

An English professor wrote the words, “Woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”

The women wrote: “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”

One Liner
There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.

Thought for the day
“I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out — plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.” (Jeremiah 29:11 MSG)

Have you been acting as if God is totally unaware of your faults? The truth is, God know your faults and failures, but he still loves you unconditionally.

A married couple was vacationing in Yosemite. The wife expressed her concern about camping because of bears and said she would feel more comfortable in a motel. The husband said that he’d like to camp. To calm her concerns, he suggested they talk to the park ranger to see what the likelihood of a bear encounter would be.

The ranger told them, “Well, we haven’t seen any grizzlies in this area so far this year, or black bears, for that matter.”

The wife shrieked, “There are TWO types of bears out here? How can you tell the difference? Which one is more dangerous?”

The ranger replied, “Well, that’s easy — see, if the bear chases you up a tree and it comes up after you, it’s a BLACK bear. If it SHAKES the tree until you fall out, it’s a grizzly.”

The motel room was quite nice.

One Liner
Don’t bother me; I’m living happily ever after

Thought for the day
“Don’t worry about anything …” Philippians 4:6a (LB)

We like to think that worry works for us. It reminds us what needs to get done or it motivates us to get to the next step. But the truth of the matter is this: worry works on us; it doesn’t work for us. It will steal life and create relational difficulties. Until we get something that works better than worry, we are going to keep worrying.