A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn’t told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the ultra sticky kind. Written in large black letters was the sentence, “Get well soon! Luv, from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week!”

One Liner

Teamwork means not having to take all the blame yourself.

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. 

The startled passenger said “I didn’t mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something.” 

The taxi driver says “It’s not your fault, sir. It’s my first day as a cab driver…I’ve been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.”

One Liner

You’re never too old to learn something stupid. 

We were sitting in church a few weeks ago while the minister delivered a sermon based on the timeless story of the prodigal son. When he got to the point where the father sees his son returning and races out to meet him, the minister said, “Throwing wide his arms, the father said…”

At which point my younger son leaned over to me and whispered, “YOU’RE GROUNDED!”

One Liner

I accidentally sat on my phone and Siri suggested several local gyms.

I was in a taxi today and the driver said, “I love my job. I’m my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do.”

Then I said: “Turn left here.”

One Liner

I’m a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.

The dog looked up and said, “Don’t be surprised. This is just part of my job.”

“Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can’t believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!”

“No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don’t! If that man finds out I can talk, he’ll have me answering the phone too!

One Liner

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?  There’s no menu – you get what you deserve.

There was a little boy in Kindergarten. He cried, so the teacher asked him what was wrong. He sobbed “I can’t find my boots.” 

The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots “Are these yours?” 

“No, they’re not mine” the boy shook his head. 

The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots. Finally, the teacher gave up “Are you SURE those boots are not yours?” 

“I’m sure” the boy sobbed “mine had snow on them.” 

One Liner

Turns out midgets and dwarves have some things in common, but it’s a short list.

TOP 10 THINGS MEN UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN 

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One Liner

Trying to write with a broken pencil is pointless.