Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

“I got a cookbook once,” said the first, “but I could never do anything with it.”

“Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?” asked the second.

“You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way…’Take a clean dish and…”

One Liner

Why are aliens always portrayed as evil in movies? How do we know that there isn’t an alien out there just waiting to share the recipe for “The Universe’s Best Waffle Mix?

A NEW AESOP’S FABLE

Mr. Rabbit was walking down the road when he spotted a crow at the tip top of a very tall tree. He shouted, “Good morning, Mr. Crow.” 

Mr. Crow shouted back down, “Good morning, Mr. Rabbit.” 

Mr. Rabbit shouted up, “Whata ya doin’ today?” and the answer shouted back down was, “Absolutely nothin’ Mr. Rabbit! Absolutely nothin’ and loving it.” 

Well, that sounded pretty good to Mr. Rabbit. So he shouted back up, “Do you think I could do that too?” 

Mr. Crow shouted back down, “I don’t see why not!” 

Well, Mr. Rabbit lay down on the side of the road and began doing absolutely nothing. 

In 30 minutes a fox came along and ate him. 

The moral of the story: You can get away with doing absolutely nothing, but only if you’re really high up.

One Liner

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. 

Judy was having trouble with her computer at work so she called Joe, the company’s computer guy, over to her desk. 

Joe clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem quickly.  

As he was walking away, Judy called after him, “So, what was wrong?”  

And he replied, “It was an ID ten T error.” 

A puzzled expression ran over Judy’s face, “An ID ten T error? What’s that…in case I need to fix it again?” 

He gave her a grin, “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?” 

“No,” replied Judy. 

“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.” 

So she did…

I D 1 0 T

One Liner

What animals are the most spiritual? Chipmonks.

A young doctor was just setting up his first office. 

His secretary told him there was a man to see him. The doctor wanted to make the man think that he was successful and very busy. So he told his secretary to show the man in and at that moment he picked up his phone and pretended to be having a conversation with a patient. 

The man waited patiently until the “conversation” was completed.

Once he hung up, the doctor asked, “Can I help you?”

To which the man replied “No, I’m just here to connect your telephone.”

One Liner

The proper response to “Good morning” is not “Prove it!”

The golfer sliced a ball into a field of chickens, striking one of the hens and killing it instantly. He was understandably upset, and sought out the farmer.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “my terrible tee-shot hit one of your hens and killed it. Can I replace the hen?”

“I don’t know about that,” replied the farmer, mulling it over. “How many eggs a day do you lay?”

One Liner

The best thing about being 40 or older is that we did all our stupid stuff before the internet existed so there’s no proof.

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” 

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.” 

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.” 

One Liner

Started to go to the gym this morning and couldn’t find my membership card. And new one is $15. A donut and coffee was $5. Guess who saved $10?!

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.

A friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those jazzy 4-Wheel drive vehicles.”

“She did,” he replied. “But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!!”

One Liner

“The starting pay is $40,000. Later it can go up to $80,000.”  “Great. I’ll start later.”

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.

He’s doing better currently.

And conducting himself properly.

One Liner

“Normal” is a setting on a washing machine.