Six-year-old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school.
Her mother, very interested, asks; “How did it go?”
“I nearly died of shame!” she answers. “Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.”
Her mother answers laughingly, “But that’s no reason to be ashamed.”
“No, but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves! That I was HOMEMADE.”
Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.
Sunday School Teacher: “…and when Lot’s wife looked back at Sodom, she turned into a pillar of salt!”
Young pupil: “My mom looked back once while she was driving! She turned into a telephone pole.”
I bet you would be really motivated if the weight you lost went to someone you don’t like.
Alan asks, “I know you’re crazy about that little daughter of yours, Steve. What are you going to do when she starts to date?”
Steve says, “I figure I’ll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me so that only he can hear. Then I’ll say, ‘Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She’s my only daughter, and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any way, just remember… I don’t mind going back to prison.'”
Don’t irritate old people. The older we get, the less “Life in prison” is a deterrent.
A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court.”
He smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not run a red light’ five hundred times.”
I ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s today. His mom got really angry.
A man goes to the doctor complaining about stomach problems. The doctor asks him what he’s been eating.
“I only eat pool balls,” he says. “Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner.”
“I see the problem,” says the doctor. “You’re not getting enough greens.”
A friend of mine bought his wife a world map and gave her a dart and said, throw this, and wherever it lands–that痴 where I知 taking you when this pandemic ends. It turns out that they will be spending two weeks behind the fridge.
After breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for John to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.
After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, “If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?”
Without looking up from his newspaper John replied, “About 10 years.”
Middle Age: When a broad mind and a narrow waist change places.
The insurance agent was having quite an easy time selling Mrs. Jones insurance on her husband’s life. In fact he thought it was too easy.
When all the details were finalized Mrs. Jones casually asked, “Now if my husband should die tomorrow what would I get?”
“That would depend entirely,” the insurance man replied, “on how the evidence is presented to the jury.”
No matter how stupid you feel, remember Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother.