The student asked the professor how many problems there would be on the final exam.

The professor looked the student over and replied, “I think you will have lots of problems on the final.” 

One Liner
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Thought for the day  
Isaiah 55:8-9
“My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Remember the original sin was to try to become like God in terms of knowledge and understanding. Take on His character but never His majesty.

AN OLD FARMER’S ADVICE

~ Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

~ Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

~ A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

~ Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled.

~ Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.

~ Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

~ Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

~ It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.

~ You cannot unsay a cruel word.

~ Every path has a few puddles.

~ When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

~ The best sermons are lived, not preached.

~ Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.

~ Don’t judge folks by their relatives.

~ Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

~ Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.

~ Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin’ you none.

~ If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

~ Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

~ The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin’.

~ Always drink upstream from the herd.

~ Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

~ Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.

~ If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around

One Liner
I gave up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my underwear.

Thought for the day
A man’s heart reflects the man. Proverbs 27:19 (NIV)

The Bible says what is in your heart is what you really are, not what others think you are, or what circumstances force you to be (Proverbs 27:19). Your heart is the real you. It determines why you say the things you do, why you feel the way you do, and why you act the way you do.

I deliver pizza to help cover my college tuition. Once I called on customers who sent their seven-year-old son to pay me. As he approached the screen door, I noticed he was carrying a check in one hand and two dollars in the other, which I assumed was my tip.

To my dismay, he pocketed the bills before handing me the check, which was for the exact cost of the pizza.

“Could that have been a tip?” I asked, trying not to sound accusatory.

“Yep,” he replied proudly. “not bad for just a walk from the living room and back!”

One Liner
Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife said, …..”And what’s that supposed to mean?”

Thus, Webster’s Dictionary was born.

Thought for the day
“No soldier in active service entangles himself in the affairs of everyday life, so that he may please the one who enlisted him as a soldier” (2 Timothy 2:4 NASB).

Real servants make themselves available to serve. Servants don’t fill up their time with other pursuits that could limit their availability. They want to be ready to jump into service when called on

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he talked with the organist to see what kind of inspirational music she could play after the announcement about the finances to get the congregation in a giving mood.

“Don’t worry,” she said. “I’ll think of something.”

During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”

Just at that moment, the organist started playing, “The Star Spangled Banner.”

One Liner
I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Thought for the Day
Do your own work well, and then you will have something to be proud of. But don’t compare yourself with others. Galatians 6:4 (CEV)

There are two reasons why you should never compare your spiritual shape, ministry, or the results of your ministry with anyone else. First, you will always be able to find someone who seems to be doing a better job than you and you will become discouraged
Or you will always be able to find someone who doesn’t seem as effective as you and you will get full of pride.

The new librarian decided that instead of checking out children’s books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names.  She would then tell them they were signing a ‘contract’ for returning the books on time.

Her first customer was a 2nd grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as was the custom..  The new librarian pushed the books back, smiled, and told him to sign them out himself. The boy carefully printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.

Before the librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, “At least that other librarian we had could write.”

One Liner
If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher.

Thought for the Day
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Philippians 4:6 (NLT)

Don’t worry about anything
Pray about everything
Thank God in all things 

John and Nancy, married for 40 years, planned a second wedding to renew their vows.

Nancy described to her friend the dress she would wear.

Nancy’s friend asked, “What color shoes?”

Nancy replied, “Silver.”

John chimed in: “Yep, silver … to match her hair.”

With a pointed look at John’s bald spot, Nancy’s friend said: “So, John, I guess you’ll go barefoot.”

One Liner
Half the people you know are below average.

Thought for the day
2 Corinthians 1:9b-10, “This happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us . . . and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us”

The purpose of the dead end is to teach you to trust in God.