Three mothers are sitting on a park bench talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.

Sadie says, “You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother.”

Minnie says,”You call that love? You know the Eldorado Cadillac I got for Mother’s Day? That’s from my son Bernie. What a doll.”

Shirley says, “That’s nothing. You know my son Stanley? He sees a psychoanalyst on Park Ave. Five sessions a week. And what does he talk about? Me!”

One Liner

Went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.

A sailor didn’t like anything he saw in the mess/food line, so he just picked up a large piece of chocolate cake. The cook asked, “Is that all you’re gonna eat?”

The sailor said, “Yeah, the rest of it doesn’t look too appetizing.”

The cook smiled and said, “Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?”

The sailor said, “Yeah, man, I’d appreciate it!”

The cook leaned over and cut the sailor’s piece of cake in half. 

One Liner

The fact that my body cracks like a glow stick every time I move yet doesn’t actually glow is disappointing.

A couple returning from their honeymoon was in a deep discussion about people and their actions. John, the husband indicated: “I have always maintained that no two people on earth think alike.”

Mary, his loving new bride commented: “You’ll change your mind when you look over our wedding presents.”

One Liner

One milestone of a healthy marriage is when your wedding gifts begin wearing out and breaking down.

The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. “We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend.

“I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?”

“Oh yes, quite serious,” said the doctor gravely. “In fact, there are three doctors there already!”

One Liner

Nothing’s scarier than that moment you lose your balance in the shower and think, ‘THEY’RE GOING TO FIND ME NAKED!!’

A tired homemaker answered the doorbell to find a young minister who said, “I’m collecting donations for the new children’s home we’re building.  I hope you’ll give what you can.”

“To be sure,” said the beleaguered woman. “I’ll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each.”

One Liner

I don’t have grey hair. I have wisdom highlights.

On a balmy day in New York, four priests swapped their clerical garb for polos, khakis, and a round of golf.

After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, “You guys wouldn’t be priests by any chance?”

“Actually, yes, we are,” one cleric replied. “How did you know?”

“Easy,” said the caddy. “I’ve never seen such bad golf and such clean language!”

One Liner

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so from now I’m going to concentrate on getting taller.