Monthly Archives: December 2018

Humor – December 31

New Year’s Resolutions for Technology Junkies

1. I will try to figure out why I “really need” 12 e-mail addresses and 3 twitter accounts.

2. I will stop using facebook as my primary means of communication with my family…

3. I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.

4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail and text messages.

5. I will stop sending e-mail to my spouse. A phone call every now and then would be appreciated.

6. I resolve to back up my hard drive daily…well, once a week…okay, monthly then…or maybe… at least once a year

7. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.

8. I will stop checking my e-mail or blogs at 3:00 in the morning… 4:30 is much more practical since my friends overseas already had time to answer me by then.

9. When I hear a funny joke, I will not reply: “LOL… LOL!”

10. I will think of a password other than “password.”

11. I resolve… I resolve to… I resolve to, uh… I resolve to, uh, get my, er… I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

One Liner
As far as I’m concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question

Thought for the day
“Many of the people scolded him and told him to be quiet. But he shouted even more loudly, ‘Son of David, have mercy on me!’ ” (Mark 10:48 GNT).

If you’re going to make a fresh start with faith in your life, you have to face your fears. Don’t let them control you! Fear has an incredible ability to paralyze our potential, to keep us from launching out, to keep us from having faith in our lives.

God is asking you to do something greater than you’ve ever done before: He’s asking you to depend on him completely!!


 


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Humor – December 28

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN KEEP

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can ACTUALLY accomplish?

Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

~ Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
~ Stop exercising. Waste of time.
~ Read less. Makes you think.
~ Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.
~ Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
~ Spend more time at work, surfing the web.
~ Take a vacation to someplace important, like to see the world’s largest ball of twine.
~ Don’t jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
~ Stop bringing lunch from home–eat out more.
~ Don’t have eight children at once.
~ Get in a whole NEW rut!
~ Start being superstitious.
~ Personal goal: Don’t bring back disco.
~ Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
~ Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
~ Spend my summer vacation in cyberspace.
~ Create loose ends.
~ Get more toys.
~ Get further in debt.
~ Don’t believe politicians.
~ Break at least one traffic law.
~ Don’t drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
~ Don’t swim with piranhas or sharks.
~ Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.
~ Wait for opportunity to knock.
~ Focus on the faults of others.
~ Mope about faults.
~ Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

One Liner
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned.  Couldn’t concentrate.

Thought for the day
“Honor the Lord by giving him the first part of all your income, and he will fill your barns with wheat and barley and overflow your wine vats with the finest wines” Proverbs 3:9

When you become a person of faith, you learn to give according to what God tells you to give

 

Humor – December 27

AN AFTER-HOLIDAY POEM

‘Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I’d never said, ‘No thank you, please.’

As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt –
I said to myself, as I only can
‘You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!’

So – away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
‘Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won’t have a cookie – not even a lick.
I’ll only chew on a long celery stick.
I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore.
But isn’t that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

One Liner
A new years resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

Thought for the day
“He didn’t doubt God’s promise out of a lack of faith. Instead, giving honor to God for the promise, he became strong because of faith” Romans 4:20

Without God’s power in your life, you’re just running on your own energy. And that’s like having a laptop that’s unplugged; the battery will eventually drain and all the power will be gone.

 

Humor – December 26

Christmas was finally over and the pastor’s wife dropped into an easy chair saying, “Boy, am I ever tired.”

Her husband looked over at her and said, “I had to conduct two special services last night and three today, and I gave a total of five sermons. Why are YOU so tired?”

“Dear,” she replied, “I had to listen to all of them.”

One Liner
Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth; Goodwill to Men; and Batteries Not Included.

Thought for the day
“For I can do everything through Christ,who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13 NLT).

A right relationship with Jesus is foundational to every area of your life.


Jesus is Born!!

The Birth of Jesus – Luke 2:2-20

In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. (This was the first census that took place while[a] Quirinius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to their own town to register.

So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10 But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. 11 Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. 12 This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

13 Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,

14 “Glory to God in the highest heaven,
    and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

15 When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

16 So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. 17 When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, 18 and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. 19 But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. 20 The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.