Monthly Archives: December 2018

Humor – December 21

ALL I NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM SANTA

1. Encourage people to believe in you.

2. Always remember who’s naughty and who’s nice.

3. Don’t pout.

4. It’s as much fun to give as it is to receive.

5. Some days it’s okay to feel a little chubby.

6. Make your presents known.

7. Bright red can make anyone look good.

8. Wear a wide belt and no-one will notice how many pounds you’ve gained.

9. If you only show up once a year, everyone will think you’re very important.

10. Whenever you’re at a loss for words, say “HO, HO, HO!”

One Liner
You stop believing in Santa Claus when you start getting clothes for Christmas

Thought for the day
Ephesians 4:32, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (NIV). Ponder how much God has forgiven you, and it’ll cause you to be more forgiving of those who have hurt you.

Humor – December 20

HOW TO TELL IF YOU’RE A GRINCH

1. You reuse last year’s Christmas cards and send them out under your own name. (5 points)

2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor’s outdoor display to replenish your own supply. (5 points, 10 if neighbor’s whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out)

3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points)

4. You put out last year’s stale candy canes for children. (1 point for each piece of sticky candy. If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.=)

5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale’s or other prestige box to impress your friends. (5 points for each infraction)

6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day. (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone, claiming you are stuck in a phone booth)

7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home. (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party)

8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own [Southern California only, others ignore]. (5 points)

9. After an invitation to a friend’s house, you bring a commercially-produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as homemade. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).

10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no. (20 points)

——————–

Evaluate your score on the “Grinch Scale” from 20 to 100.

20-30: You are just a cheeseball.

30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.

50-100: Grinch, move over. The Al Capone of Christmas crime has arrived.

One Liner
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to North Pole. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Thought for the day
Forgiveness is a two-way street. You can’t expect others to forgive you if you are unwilling to forgive them. Jesus says it like this: “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matthew 6:14-15 NIV). It’s a basic biblical truth. You reap what you sow.

Humor – December 19

Planning a Christmas weekend of entertaining guests, I made a list of things I needed to do, including taking food out of the freezer and grocery shopping.

As it happened, a friend whom I had been promising to take to lunch asked if we could go for lunch that Friday.

So, hopping into the car, I taped my “to do” list to the dashboard and went to pick her up.

As she settled into the car, her face dropped.

“Thanks a lot!” she sulked.

Then I glanced at my list and saw the first item: “Take out the turkey.”

One Liner
I absolutely refuse to be assertive!

Thought for the day
“Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21 NIV).

You are going to enjoy forever what you invest in heaven, and you invest in heaven every time you use money for good.

 

Humor – December 18

WHY WOMEN WOULD LOVE BEING SANTA CLAUS

~ No early-morning decisions about what to wear to the office.

~ A gut the size of Fat Albert’s is a job requirement.

~ One big black belt – accessorized for life!

~ No reason to have your colors done.

~ Sensible footwear.

~ Your children would adore you (even teenagers!).

~ Age discrimination? Not an issue.

~ Your co-workers know they’d better not pout.

One Liner
Heck: The place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh.

Thought for the day
“Wise people live in wealth and luxury, but stupid people spend their money as fast as they get it” (Proverbs 21:20 GNT).

Wise people save for the future, but foolish people spend whatever they get.


Humor – December 17

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the town,
no noses were frozen, no snow fluttered down,
no children in flannels were tucked into bed,
they all wore shorty pajamas instead.

To find wreaths of holly, t’was not very hard,
for holly trees grew in every back yard.
In front of the houses, dads and moms were
adorning the bushes and coconut palms.

The sleeping kiddies were dreaming in glee,
hoping to find water skis under the tree.
They all knew that Santa was well on his way,
in a Mercedes-Benz, instead of a sleigh.

And soon he arrived and started to work,
he hadn’t a second to linger or shirk.
He whizzed up the highways and zoomed up the road,
in a S-L 300, delivering his loads.

The tropical moon gave the city a glow,
and lighted the way for old Santa below.
As he jumped from the auto he gave a wee chuckle,
he was dressed in Bermudas with an Ivy League buckle.

There weren’t any chimneys, but that caused no gloom,
for Santa came in through the Florida room.
He stopped at each house…stayed only a minute,
emptying his sack of stuff that was in it.

Before he departed, he treated himself
to a glass of papaya juice upon the shelf.
He turned with a jerk and bounced to the car,
remembering he still had to go very far.

He shifted the gears and stepped on the gas
and up Highway 436 he went like a flash.
And I heard him exclaim as he went on his way,
“MERRY CHRISTMAS Y’ALL, I WISH I COULD STAY!”

One Liner
Humans: The only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

Thought for the day
“You must each decide in your heart how much to give. And don’t give reluctantly or in response to pressure. ‘For God loves a person who gives cheerful” (2 Corinthians 9:7 NLT).

How do you have the attitude God wants you to have when you give? It starts with your heart. God is a lot more interested in your willingness to give than your wealth, because he’s interested in what’s happening in your heart when you decide to give.

Humor – December 14

It had been snowing in Iowa for hours when an announcement came over the University’s intercom: “Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.”

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: “Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class.”

One Liner
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing “Happy Birthday.”

Thought for the day
Worry is playing God. It’s assuming responsibility for something that God has said he will take care of. Paul reminds us in Philippians 4:19, “And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus” (NLT).

Humor – December 13

Years ago when I was teaching, I had a class of second graders who were about evenly divided as to whether there was or was not a Santa Claus. The discussions – or more appropriately debates – in this pre-TV era were extremely serious every recess.

But it all came to an end one day after recess. Young Larry stood up, looked at me with a smile and said in a loud, convincing voice, “Miss Leuze, Santa Claus can’t be your Mom and Dad because they sure can’t go around the whole world in 1 night!”

And a whole class of believers got out their arithmetic books.

One Liner
A snowman was seen at the carrot bin in the produce section of the local grocery.  He was picking his nose.

Thought for the day
“Truth, wisdom, learning, and good sense — these are worth paying for, but too valuable for you to sell” (Proverbs 23:23 GNT).

We like to spend money on comfort, but the Bible teaches that it is wiser to invest in character.


Humor – December 12

If the birth of Jesus was covered by today’s tabloids:

ILLEGAL ALIEN HAS ILLEGITIMATE BIRTH –
BABY EXPECTED TO BE CHARGED WITH TREASON

BETHLEHEM — It was rumored today that an unmarried couple from Nazareth stopped for the use of a manger owned by Alfredo Pinchi, a notorious local slumlord, and a baby was born.

“There was no running water, and the place was filled with straw,” commented local public health authorities. “We even found a donkey inside.”

“The mother gave birth under extremely questionable circumstances,” offered Pontius Pilate, Judean candidate for District Attorney. “She claims to have been a virgin.”

Unconfirmed reports indicate that Roman authorities are investigating the baby on charges of sedition and treason. “There are a bunch of people running around alleging that the baby is the son of God,” explained Pilate, “and that he will have some radical ideas about religion in the future.”

Three Kings from the Orient were caught on the outskirts of Bethlehem by the Roman Border Patrol carrying illegal contraband. “We caught them red-handed with frankincense and myrrh,” explained an official with the Border Patrol. “And they didn’t have any papers.” The Kings were promptly arrested and deported.

At virtually the same time as the baby was born, a bright star was sighted over Bethlehem. “This is an omen that things are about to radically change in the Empire due to global warming,” the Director of the Environmental Protection Agency commented.

One Liner
Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

Thought for the day
Philemon 1:6: “I pray you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ” (NIV).

In other words, don’t keep your faith in Jesus a secret. Tell other people about it. Invite them to church. Give them a Bible. Hand them a book or resource about what it means to follow Jesus.