Monthly Archives: December 2018

Humor – December 24

The REAL Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas
when all through the house
I searched for the tools
to hand to my spouse.

Instructions were studied
and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage
“Some Assembly Required.”

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
while Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie’s town-house to boot!
And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes,
my heart skipped a beat –
let no parts be missing
or parts incomplete!

Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
if we can’t get it right, it goes straight to the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear
but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,

With each part numbered and every slot named,
so if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
all over the carpet, they were scattered about.

“Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand.”
“Honey,” said hubby, “you just glued my hand.”

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
with “assembly required” till morning’s first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
till our eyes, they went blurry; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,
we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
“This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we’ll cheer, let the holiday ring,
and not run to the store for one single thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
for the perfect, most magical, Christmas, I bet!”

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I gratefully went, though I suppose
there’s something to say for those self-deluded …
I’d forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!

One Liner
It’s almost time to switch from my everyday anxiety to my fancy Christmas anxiety!

Thought for the day

The Birth of Jesus Foretold – Luke 1:26-38

26 In the sixth month of Elizabeth’s pregnancy, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, 27 to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. 28 The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.”

29 Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. 30 But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God. 31 You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus. 32 He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, 33 and he will reign over Jacob’s descendants forever; his kingdom will never end.”

34 “How will this be,” Mary asked the angel, “since I am a virgin?”

35 The angel answered, “The Holy Spirit will come on you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called[b] the Son of God. 36 Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be unable to conceive is in her sixth month. 37 For no word from God will ever fail.”

38 “I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May your word to me be fulfilled.” Then the angel left her.

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Humor – December 21

ALL I NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM SANTA

1. Encourage people to believe in you.

2. Always remember who’s naughty and who’s nice.

3. Don’t pout.

4. It’s as much fun to give as it is to receive.

5. Some days it’s okay to feel a little chubby.

6. Make your presents known.

7. Bright red can make anyone look good.

8. Wear a wide belt and no-one will notice how many pounds you’ve gained.

9. If you only show up once a year, everyone will think you’re very important.

10. Whenever you’re at a loss for words, say “HO, HO, HO!”

One Liner
You stop believing in Santa Claus when you start getting clothes for Christmas

Thought for the day
Ephesians 4:32, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (NIV). Ponder how much God has forgiven you, and it’ll cause you to be more forgiving of those who have hurt you.

Humor – December 20

HOW TO TELL IF YOU’RE A GRINCH

1. You reuse last year’s Christmas cards and send them out under your own name. (5 points)

2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor’s outdoor display to replenish your own supply. (5 points, 10 if neighbor’s whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out)

3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points)

4. You put out last year’s stale candy canes for children. (1 point for each piece of sticky candy. If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.=)

5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale’s or other prestige box to impress your friends. (5 points for each infraction)

6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day. (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone, claiming you are stuck in a phone booth)

7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home. (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party)

8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own [Southern California only, others ignore]. (5 points)

9. After an invitation to a friend’s house, you bring a commercially-produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as homemade. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).

10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no. (20 points)

——————–

Evaluate your score on the “Grinch Scale” from 20 to 100.

20-30: You are just a cheeseball.

30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.

50-100: Grinch, move over. The Al Capone of Christmas crime has arrived.

One Liner
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to North Pole. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Thought for the day
Forgiveness is a two-way street. You can’t expect others to forgive you if you are unwilling to forgive them. Jesus says it like this: “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matthew 6:14-15 NIV). It’s a basic biblical truth. You reap what you sow.

Humor – December 19

Planning a Christmas weekend of entertaining guests, I made a list of things I needed to do, including taking food out of the freezer and grocery shopping.

As it happened, a friend whom I had been promising to take to lunch asked if we could go for lunch that Friday.

So, hopping into the car, I taped my “to do” list to the dashboard and went to pick her up.

As she settled into the car, her face dropped.

“Thanks a lot!” she sulked.

Then I glanced at my list and saw the first item: “Take out the turkey.”

One Liner
I absolutely refuse to be assertive!

Thought for the day
“Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21 NIV).

You are going to enjoy forever what you invest in heaven, and you invest in heaven every time you use money for good.

 

Humor – December 18

WHY WOMEN WOULD LOVE BEING SANTA CLAUS

~ No early-morning decisions about what to wear to the office.

~ A gut the size of Fat Albert’s is a job requirement.

~ One big black belt – accessorized for life!

~ No reason to have your colors done.

~ Sensible footwear.

~ Your children would adore you (even teenagers!).

~ Age discrimination? Not an issue.

~ Your co-workers know they’d better not pout.

One Liner
Heck: The place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh.

Thought for the day
“Wise people live in wealth and luxury, but stupid people spend their money as fast as they get it” (Proverbs 21:20 GNT).

Wise people save for the future, but foolish people spend whatever they get.