KID QUOTES

“Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals.” – Donna Maria G, age 9

“Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you.” – Rob P, age 8

“If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it.” – Steven B, age 8

“Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God’s Bill of Wrongs.” – Susie F., age 7

“Doctors automatically know what’s wrong with you. They have a sick sense.” – Beau M., age 10

One Liner |
My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them you just wait.

A man went to the doctor and said: “Doctor, I keep having visions of the future.”

“When did these start?”

“Next Thursday.”

One Liner
Kids today have it easy.  When I was a kid there was no Cartoon Network; we got cartoons on Saturday morning.  D’ya hear what I’m saying?!  We had to wait ALL WEEK!!

The condemned man was waiting for his execution, when the priest arrived.

“My son, I came to bring the word of God to you.”

“No thanks, Father. I’m going to talk to Him in a little while, personally.
Any message?”

One Liner
I was told that 70% of the population is stupid. I’m obviously with the
other 40%.

The age of the computer brings much ease and expertise to the preparation of the worship folders. Some churches which use the same basic format each week can simply call up the form on the computer screen, make a few necessary changes, and presto, it’s done.
But it can be tricky.

In one church I know, they use the same format for funeral services. And when a person dies and a funeral service is prepared, the secretary simply uses the word-search-and-replace process and changes the name of the deceased from the previous service to the name of the deceased who has just passed away.
Very simple.

So when Edna died, the pastor instructed the secretary to prepare the service for her by following the above mentioned process. The last person who died was Mary. So the secretary instructed the computer to change all “Mary”s to Edna”s. And so it was.

Imagine the surprise of the attendees when they recited the Apostles Creed and read: “He was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Edna…”

One Liner
How does Star Fleet pay the crew of the USS Enterprise? Star Bucks

Dad is down at the auto dealership, looking at potential choices.

“Cargo space?” he asks.

The salesman, slightly confused, finally replies, “Car no do that… car go road.”

One Liner
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact, it borders on Chile all the time.

If a barber makes a mistake, it’s a new style.

If a driver makes a mistake, it’s an accident.

If a engineer makes a mistake, it’s a new venture.

If parents makes a mistake, it’s a new generation.

If a politician makes a mistake, it’s a new law.

If a scientist makes a mistake, it’s a new invention.

If a teacher makes a mistake, it’s a new theory.

If our boss makes a mistake, it’s our mistake.

If an employee makes a mistake, it’s a “MISTAKE.”

If a tailor makes a mistake, it’s a new fashion.

One Liner

If all the world’s a stage, then someone in casting needs to be fired.

Linda and Marion were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.

“I started a new business last year,” Linda said. “I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months.”

“Why in the world would you do that?” Marion asked.

“It’s the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without,” Linda said.

One Liner
One knows they are old when their smart watch says they had a good night’s sleep and their body screams, “Liar!!”