Janice, my sister, had been pestering her husband, a carpenter, for more than a decade to build a screen door for the kitchen.

One day, to her delight, he built and installed one in less than two hours. It was both practical and pretty. She glanced towards the front door and wistfully remarked that one would look good there, as well. 

“Are you kidding?” he gasped. “You can’t just whip these things up, you know. It takes ten years to build a door like this.”

One Liner

Money can’t buy everything…but then again neither can no money.

In Marine Corps boot camp, I soon learned that everything we recruits used belonged to our drill instructor. For instance, he referred to the stuff in our footlockers as “my trash” and to the racks where we slept as “my racks.”

One time when when we were all whispering in the bathroom while making “head calls,” our drill instructor must have overheard us.

To our surprise, she suddenly yelled, “Why do I hear voices in my head?”

One Liner

I’ve started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof.

Jill: What took you so long?

Jack: I was parking the car!

Jill: How long does it take to park a car?!

Jack: I kept driving around looking for an empty space, but I couldn’t find one. As for the parking lots, their prices are outlandish! Finally, I found one place to park where the price was reasonable.

Jill: Where was that?

Jack: In a drive-in theater.

One Liner

Cookie dough is the sushi of desserts.

Several women were visiting a elderly lady who was ill. 

After a while, they rose to leave and told her, “We will keep you in our prayers.”

“Just wash the dishes in the kitchen,” the ailing woman said, “I can do my own praying.”

One Liner

Cat puns really freak meowt…I’m not kitten!

Customer: “How much is a movie ticket?”

Ticket Seller: “Fifteen dollars.”

Customer: “How much for children’s tickets?”

Ticket Seller: “Still fifteen dollars.”

Customer: “Really? Airlines charge much less for kids!”

Ticket Seller: “Fine, put your kids on a plane somewhere and come to the movie yourself. You’ll enjoy it a lot more that way.”

One Liner

If you clean a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.

A man walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I’ve eaten something that disagrees with me.”

A voice from the man’s stomach says, “No, you haven’t.”

One Liner

e-i-e-i-o: A gross misspelling of the word ‘farm.’

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, “The parrot to the left costs $500.”

“Why does that parrot cost so much?” the man wondered.

The owner replied, “Well, it knows how to use a computer.”

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.

“That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it can build a website in a day.”

Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot. “That one costs $2,000.”

“And what does that one do?” the man asked.

The owner replied, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!”

One Liner

I started a new exercise routine. Every day I do diddly-squats.