Fellow shows up at the local dry cleaner’s, looking somewhat sheepish.

“I’m really sorry to bother you with this,” he says, “but I was cleaning out my closet and I found this old ticket for a suit I brought in to be cleaned five years ago! It must have fallen out of my pocket and it has been sitting in the back of my closet gathering dust since then! Would you by any chance still have the suit?”

The dry cleaner looks at the ticket and says he will go to the back of the shop to look.

Fellow hears the dry cleaner rummaging around in the back for about twenty minutes. Finally, the dry cleaner emerges, covered in dust, but with a triumphant smile on his face. “You won’t believe it,” says the dry cleaner, “but I have good news for you!”

“Oh my goodness!” says the fellow. “You mean you actually found it?”

“Yep!” Said the dry cleaner proudly: “It’ll be ready next Tuesday!”

One Liner

Wife asks husband, “Does this dress make me look fat?” Husband to wife, “Does this shirt make me look stupid?”

A pre-birth class was aimed at couples who already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

“Some parents,” she said, “tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.’ But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.’?”

One of the women spoke up immediately. “Does she cook?”

One Liner

People blame things on the previous generations because they don’t like the only alternative.

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.” (Rita Mae Brown)

I read this and thought it worthwhile to pass on for reflection.

So good judgment comes from bad judgment.
Say what? Good comes from bad?  Yes.
Good judgment is learned from us making bad judgments.
Or at least, bad judgments should lead us to learn good judgments.

Let let it be.

One Liner

A bridge built on whispers will crumble beneath the weight of footsteps.

“Write a sentence about a public servant,” said the teacher.

The small boy wrote, “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.”

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked.

“Sure,” said the young boy confidently. “It means carrying a child.”

One Liner

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of dog food at Wal Mart. I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had – an elephant?

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to give it a try again. (I have to mention here that everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to scratch my fleas and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

Wal Mart won’t let me shop there anymore.

One Liner

Office attire was never Clark Kent’s strong suit.

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn’t know what Johnny’s problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel – they said, because it was bigger.

One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said, “Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don’t know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it’s bigger, or what?”

Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!”

One Liner

Nutritionists say that eating healthy involves filling your plate with bright colors: Greens, reds, yellows. So I had a bowl of M&Ms.

My 4-year-old granddaughter asked: “Where does poo come from?”

To make it simple, I said: “You just had breakfast?”

“Yes,” she replied.

“Well, the food goes in your mouth down into your tummy. Our body takes all the good stuff it needs out of the food and then what”s left goes down to your bottom – and when you go to the toilet, that comes out as poo.”

She looked confused and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds. Then she asked: “And Tigger?”

One Liner

To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my high school yearbook, I have some devastating news.

The bridge connecting Boston and Cambridge (Massachusetts) via Massachusetts Avenue is commonly know as the Harvard Bridge. When it was built, the state offered to name the bridge for the Cambridge school that could present the best claim for the honor.

Harvard submitted an essay detailing its contributions to education in America, concluding that it deserved the honor of having a bridge leading into Cambridge named for the institution.

MIT did a structural analysis of the bridge and found it so full of defects that they agreed that it should be named for Harvard.

One Liner

I’ve decided to buy my wife a used chess set for her birthday. I’ll be buying it at a pawn shop.