Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting the weather for the TV news program.

He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he’d been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.   

He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. 

Hopkins wrote, “The climate didn’t agree with me.”

One Liner

I used to run a dating agency for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.

A little three-year-old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what’s up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.

His mother says: “Billy, are you all right? You’ve been in here for a while.

Billy says: “I’m fine, mommy… just haven’t gone ‘doody’ yet.”

Mother says: “OK, you can stay here a few more minutes. But Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?”

Billy says: “Works for ketchup!”

One Liner

Two frogs were sitting on a lily pad. One said to the other, “Time sure is fun when you are having flies!”

One day on the way home from church a little girl turned to her mother and said, “Mommy, the preacher’s sermon this morning confused me.”

The mother said, “Oh! Why is that?

The girl replied, “Well, he said that God is bigger than we are. Is that true?”

“Yes, that’s true,” the mother replied.

“He also said that God lives within us.  Is that true too?”

Again the mother replied, “Yes.”

“Well,” said the girl. “If God is bigger than us and he lives in us, wouldn’t He show through?”

One Liner

Sometimes we have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give us the right to be cruel.

The aspiring psychiatry students were attending their first class on
emotional extremes.

“Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to a student from
New York, “What is the opposite of joy?”

“Sadness,” said a student.

And the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

“Elation,” she said.

“And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas, “how about the opposite
of woe?”

The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.”

One Liner

A duvet is a pillowcase for blankets.

A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket.

“It seems everyone is out to get me lately. How did you know I was speeding?” the frustrated driver asked.

The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.

“You mean,” asked the motorist, “that I’m not just being paranoid? Even *He* is trying to get me?”

One Liner

I once swallowed a book of synonyms. It gave me the thesaurus throat I’ve ever had!

When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.

“What are you doing?” his Mom asked.

“The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy explained. “I’m looking for the seal.”

One Liner

Life is like a box of chocolates. Sometimes it makes you sick.