Having looked the other way for weeks, the boss finally called Smith into his office for a sit-down.

“You know, Smith,” he said, “I’ve noticed that every time you have to take your dear old aunt to her doctor’s appointments, there’s a home game over at the stadium.”

“Wow, sir. I guess you’re right,” Smith answered. “I didn’t realize it. You don’t think she’s faking it, do you?”

One Liner
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

LAX airport security has led to a string of IKEA robberies.

Police are building their case but still piecing together the evidence. The detective named to lead the case is Allen Wrench whose sidekick is Phillip.

They are right on the case, putting the screws to key suspects.

One Liner

My wife told me to put ketchup on the shopping list. Now I can’t read anything.

Man #1: “I was told you are one of the leading experts on genealogy in our country.”

Man #2: “Indeed, I am. That is what I wrote my doctoral dissertation on.”

Man #1: “Great! Can you tell me how they fit inside that little lamp?”

One Liner

I’ve discovered that I now have enough money to last the rest of my life. As long as I die by next Friday.

YOU might be a school employee if you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, “Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.”

YOU might be a school employee if you encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling and are willing to donate the U-Haul boxes should they decided to move out of district.

YOU might be a school employee if you think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

YOU might be a school employee if you believe the playground should be equipped with a Ritalin salt lick.

YOU might be a school employee if you can’t imagine how covering your students chair with Velcro and then requiring uniforms made out of the corresponding Velcro could ever be misunderstood by the public.

YOU might be a school employee if meeting a child’s parent instantly answers this question, “Why is this kid like this?”

YOU might be a school employee if you know how many days, minutes, and seconds are left in the school year.

One Liner

Teaching your kids in the heat of the moment is bad heir-conditioning.

Leaving a plush nightclub one evening, a miserly gentleman walked past the
doorman without tipping him.

Nevertheless, the doorman helped the man into a taxi with a flourish and
said pleasantly, “By the way, in case you happen to lose your wallet on the
way home, sir, just remember that you didn’t pull it out here.”

One Liner
I went to Magician’s School but flunked the final exam. They were all trick
questions.

They say that a preacher’s wife is always his number one assistant.

An example of this comes one Sunday morning after the preacher had just
finished his sermon.  He went and sat down with his wife and she asked him
how he thought the church service went.

The Preacher shrugged and said, “The worship was excellent, and I think the
prayer and communion times went quite well, but,” he continued, “I just
don’t think the sermon ever got off the ground.”

The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said,
“Well, it sure did taxi long enough!”

One Liner
I would imagine if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive
you crazy.

Trying to come to the aid of his father, who was stopped by an officer for speeding, the lil’ tyke piped up:

“Yeah? Well, if we were speeding, so were you!”

One Liner

Cured ham? No thanks, pal. Cured of what? What if it has a relapse on my plate?

Taking great pains to be specific, the new auto-shop teacher on our staff explained to three of his students that he wanted them to clean a car that was parked outside. He gave them two extension cords, the vacuum cleaner, a bucket, rags and the car keys. He mentioned that the car was one to be used in his class.

Later he went out and discovered them sitting in the car, feet up on the dashboard, listening to the stereo. “Why aren’t you vacuuming the car?” he asked.

“Because the extension cord wouldn’t reach,” was the reply.

Exasperated, the teacher stated, “That’s why I gave you two.”

“We tried the other one,” a student said, “but it wouldn’t reach either.”

One Liner
The best murder weapon would a Tupperware lid because nobody would ever be able to find it.