My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “WOW! I never thought our son
would go that far!”

I said, “This catapult is amazing! Go get our daughter.”

One Liner

If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.

A judge addressed the court, at the start of a case:

“I have to declare an interest in this case. Last week, the plaintiff sent me a check for $10,000 to find in his favor. Two days later, I received $20,000 from the defendant to find in his favor.

“I have therefore sent $10,000 back to the defendant and can try the case without bias.”

One Liner

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re giving blood.

Boss: You got your hair cut on company time?!

Susie: It grew on company time.

Boss: Not all that hair!

Susie: I didn’t get it all cut.

One Liner

I know a rancher who lets his cows roam anywhere they wish. He lets the chips fall where they may.

Doctor: You need to listen to your body more often.

My body: You’re old and you want cheese.

One Liner

One of the Smith Brothers, who invented Wild Cherry Cough Drops and Throat Lozenges, died last week. There was no coffin at the funeral.

THINGS LEARNED LIVING IN TEXAS

~ A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

~ There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Texas

~ There are 10,000 types of spiders.  All 10,000 of them live in Texas .

~ If it grows, it’ll stick ya.  If it crawls, it’ll bite cha.

~ ‘Jaw-P?’ means, ‘Did y’all go to the bathroom?

~ There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper.

~ Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you’re two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.

~ “Backwards and forwards” means “I know everything about you.”

~ The word ‘jeet’ is actually a phrase meaning, ‘Did you eat?’

~ You measure distance in minutes.

~ You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

~ You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete, Tabasco, and Ketchup.

~ You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

~ Fried catfish is the other white meat.

One Liner

Try resistance training…refuse to go to the 

Think of the biggest number you can.

Now add five.

Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies.

Wow, that’s five more than the biggest number you could come up with!

One Liner

I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn’t work.

On a tour of New York City, a woman and her children visited St Patrick’s
Cathedral. 

They were awestruck by the soaring beauty of the place.  The kids were
especially curious about the votive candles.  The Mom explained that people
generally say a prayer when they light a candle — usually a prayer of
petition or thanks.  She asked if they’d each like to light one – which they
did. 

As they left,  the five-year-old said: “If there’s a pony outside, it’s
mine.”

One Liner
Old age is like flying through a storm. Once you’re aboard, there’s nothing
you can do.


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