Years ago I had just delivered twins. They were a boy and a girl. The head nurse brought them out for my husband to see. He could hardly believe his good fortune. The girl baby had a pink blanket wrapped around her and the boy baby was enclosed in a blue blanket.

He took one step forward just so he could touch the babies and believe they had finally arrived. As he started to touch them, the nurse took a step backwards and said, “You can’t touch those babies. You aren’t sterile!!”

With out missing a beat, my husband retorted “Obviously, I’m not sterile!”

One Liner

The reason some people want cremation is it’s their last chance to have a smoking hot body.

My wife and I were planning a vacation down to sunny South Florida from Atlanta. We were going to visit her parents and they really wanted to see their grandchildren, Chris (4 yrs old) and Becky (2 yrs old).

We had been telling the kids, that we soon would be “going to Miami to see grandma and grandad.” We explained that it would take two days to drive there and that we would stop at different neat places along the way. They were really excited.

A couple of days before we were to leave, Chris came up to me and asked me, “How many more days before we go to Your Ami?” I just died laughing.

One Liner

My company is better at making sun-screen than our competitors, but I don’t like to rub it in!

Little Girl: “Daddy, what do you have to do to become a doctor?”

Daddy: “You have to do well in school, take a lot of math and science, get into an excellent college, then go to med school, and follow that with an internship. Then you can start your own practice. Honey, as smart as you are, you can be anything you want to be.”

Little Girl (after some thought): “What do you have to do to be queen?”

One Liner

Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.

A diner in a restaurant started to choke on a bone.  Another diner rushed over and performed the Heimlich Maneuver. The bone popped out.

As the first man’s breath and voice returned he said, “You saved my life! How can I ever repay you?”

The other man grinned and said, “I’ll settle for one percent of what you were willing to pay while you were choking.”

One Liner

I hate people who can’t let go of the past. Debt collectors are the worst.

After a long and serious operation, Lena ended up in a coma. Try as they might, the doctors just couldn’t bring her out of it. When her husband Ralph came into the intensive care unit to see her, the doctors gave him the bad news.

“We just can’t wake her. It doesn’t look good I’m afraid,” the doctor told Ralph in a quiet somber voice.

Ralph looked at Lena and with a soft trembling voice said “But doctor, she’s so young. She’s only 45.”

“37” came the weak reply from Lena.

One Liner

I hate when people ask what I did yesterday. I don’t know. I breathed a lot. Probably got mad at something. Sighed heavily, The list goes on.

Having looked the other way for weeks, the boss finally called Smith into his office for a sit-down. 

“You know, Smith,” he said, “I’ve noticed that every time you have to take your dear old aunt to her doctor’s appointments, there’s a home game over at the stadium.”

“Wow, sir. I guess you’re right,” Smith answered. “I didn’t realize it. You don’t think she’s faking it, do you?”

One Liner

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner.  A call came over the car’s radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.  The rookie rolled down his window and said, “Let’s get off the corner.”

No one moved, so he barked again, “Let’s get off the corner!” Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction.  Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, “Well, how did I do?”

“Pretty good,” replied the veteran, “especially since this was a bus stop.”

One Liner

The lottery is the best kind of tax ever conceived: It taxes only the willing.