Humor – September 18

We took the family to one of those restaurants where the walls are plastered with movie memorabilia. I went off to see the hostess about reserving a table. 

When I returned, I found my 11-year-old daughter staring at a poster of Superman, standing in a phone booth. She looked puzzled. 

“She doesn’t know who Superman is?” I whispered to my husband. 

“Worse,” he replied. “She doesn’t know what a phone booth is.” 

One Liner
After the Sunday school teacher told the story of the Prodigal Son to the class, she asked, “Was anyone sorry when the Prodigal Son returned?” 

One boy answered, “The fatted calf.” 

Humor – September 17

One year, Little Johnny’s family was having the extended family 4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was the lighting of the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of state (they’re illegal in their state, of course!).

Just before they were to arrive, a cousin calls, saying their neighbor’s plans had just fallen through, and could they bring them along to the picnic – they even had extra food to bring. “Sure, the more the merrier!”

Upon arrival and meeting their cousin’s neighbor, it is discovered that he’s a police officer. The father turns as innocently as he can to Little Johnny, and whispers to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. 

Johnny disappears, and the father changes the topic to food for the day. This family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father tells them the gas grill is all set to use out back – just turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.

They head out to the back as Johnny comes back in through the front door. The father hurries to him and says “Whew, that was close!  That man’s a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?”

“Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!”

One Liner
One day soon YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will join together. It will be called YouTwitFace.

Humor – September 16

While driving down in Texas, a guy hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. He felt bad and tracked down the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. 

He asked him what the calf was worth and said she would pay for it. “Oh, about $200 today,” replied the rancher. “But in six years it would have been worth $1,000. So $1,000 is what I知 out.”  

The guy went back to his car, wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. “Okay,” he said, “Here is the check for $1,000. It’s postdated six years from now.”  

One Liner
Not to brag, but I still wear the same size socks and same size watch as I did in high school.

Humor – September 15

An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground.

Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, “All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse!” 

With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse’s back—and fell off the other side. From the ground again, he called out, “All right, just half of you angels this time!”

One Liner
I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully…

Humor – September 14

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. 

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’ 

One Liner
“Save the earth…..It’s the only planet with chocolate!” 🙂 

Humor – September 11

    A little old man was escorted into the witness box. After being sworn in the lawyer asked him to explain what happened. After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident he finally got around to the meat of the case, 
    “…and then she hit me with the maple leaf.” 
    “Surely that couldn’t have caused you any serious injury” said the lawyer. 
    “Are you kidding?” exclaimed the old man. “It was the leaf from the center of our dining room table.” 

One Liner
“How did you extract a wallet from that man’s pocket without his knowing it?” asked the judge. 
“My fee is $500.00 for the full course of ten lessons, your honor.” 

Humor – September 10

I hate the idea of going under the knife. So I was very upset when the doctor told me I needed a tonsillectomy. 

Later, the nurse and I were filling out an admission form. I tried to respond to the questions, but I was so nervous I couldn’t speak. The nurse patted my hand and said, “Don’t worry. This medical problem can easily be fixed, and it’s not a dangerous procedure.” 

“You’re right. I’m being silly,” I said, “please continue.” 

“Good,” the nurse went on, “Now, do you have a living will?” 

One Liner
An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for some kind of relief. After a search, I found what I was looking for: a selection of heating pads designed for people with back pain …. all on the bottom shelf. 

Humor – September 9

Little Johnny came running into the house after the school one day, shouting, “Daddy! Daddy! I got 100 in school today!”

“That’s great, Son!” said his daddy.

“Come into the living room and tell me about it,” Daddy continued.

Little Johnny said, “Well, I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math and 20 in science.”

Today he represents us in Congress.

One Liner
Can you yell “MOVIE!” in a crowded fire station?