The condemned man was waiting for his execution, when the priest arrived.
“My son, I came to bring the word of God to you.”
“No thanks, Father. I’m going to talk to Him in a little while, personally.
Any message?”
One Liner
I was told that 70% of the population is stupid. I’m obviously with the
other 40%.
The age of the computer brings much ease and expertise to the preparation of the worship folders. Some churches which use the same basic format each week can simply call up the form on the computer screen, make a few necessary changes, and presto, it’s done.
But it can be tricky.
In one church I know, they use the same format for funeral services. And when a person dies and a funeral service is prepared, the secretary simply uses the word-search-and-replace process and changes the name of the deceased from the previous service to the name of the deceased who has just passed away.
Very simple.
So when Edna died, the pastor instructed the secretary to prepare the service for her by following the above mentioned process. The last person who died was Mary. So the secretary instructed the computer to change all “Mary”s to Edna”s. And so it was.
Imagine the surprise of the attendees when they recited the Apostles Creed and read: “He was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Edna…”
One Liner
How does Star Fleet pay the crew of the USS Enterprise? Star Bucks
Dad is down at the auto dealership, looking at potential choices.
“Cargo space?” he asks.
The salesman, slightly confused, finally replies, “Car no do that… car go road.”
One Liner
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact, it borders on Chile all the time.
If a barber makes a mistake, it’s a new style.
If a driver makes a mistake, it’s an accident.
If a engineer makes a mistake, it’s a new venture.
If parents makes a mistake, it’s a new generation.
If a politician makes a mistake, it’s a new law.
If a scientist makes a mistake, it’s a new invention.
If a teacher makes a mistake, it’s a new theory.
If our boss makes a mistake, it’s our mistake.
If an employee makes a mistake, it’s a “MISTAKE.”
If a tailor makes a mistake, it’s a new fashion.
One Liner
If all the world’s a stage, then someone in casting needs to be fired.
Linda and Marion were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.
“I started a new business last year,” Linda said. “I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months.”
“Why in the world would you do that?” Marion asked.
“It’s the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without,” Linda said.
One Liner
One knows they are old when their smart watch says they had a good night’s sleep and their body screams, “Liar!!”
The perks of being over 70:
> People no longer consider you a hypochondriac
> There is nothing left to learn the hard way
> Neighbors don’t complain about your parties
> Things you buy now won’t wear out
> Your investment in health insurance starts to pay off
> Elevators finally play good music
> You don’t have to hold in your stomach no matter who walks into the room
One Liner
CPR is a near-breath experience.
After dinner one evening, my dad starting entertaining our dinner guest by playing the piano.
At one point he turned to the visitor and said, “I understand you love music?”
“Yes,” murmured the guest politely. “But never you mind, you keep right on playing…”
One Liner
To your stomach all potatoes are mashed
A mostly-bald man went to his barber, who had a lush head of wavy hair. He said, “If you could make my head look like yours, I’d give you $5000!”
The barber promptly started shaving his own head.
One Liner
Waldo wears a striped shirt because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
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