HOW TO KNOW IT’S TIME TO BUY A NEW CAR

~ A car exactly like yours is featured in a display in your local museum.

~ Instead of an airbag, there’s a whoopie cushion taped to your steering wheel.

~ You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year-old on a moped.

~ As you drive by, people keep yelling, “Get a horse.”

~ Your emergency brake consists of putting your leg through a hole in the floorboard and dragging your foot on the pavement.

~ When you gas up, the attendant asks, “Can I re-duct-tape that windshield for you?”

~ Replacement running boards just aren’t made like they used to.

~ While waiting at a stop light, people run up asking if anyone was hurt.

~ Police are constantly pulling you over on the interstate to ask why you’re not maintaining the minimum 65 mph speed.

~ Traffic reporters are starting to refer to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.

~ Your gas gauge measures in cubits.

One Liner

If I had a quarter for each math exam I’ve failed, I’d have $6.30.

A man visiting a doctor says, “Doctor, I just dropped in to tell you how much I benefited from your treatment.”

The doctor replied, “But you are not one of my patients.”

The man said, “I know. But my uncle Bill was, and I am his heir.”

One Liner

If you swallow uranium, you will probably get atomic ache.

After returning from a fishing trip with her husband, a wife confessed to her neighbor:

“I did everything all wrong again today — I talked too much and too loud. I used the wrong bait. I reeled in too soon and, worst of all, I caught more fish than he did.”

One Liner

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

My new neighbor lady owns several cats. On a recent visit to meet her, she introduced her cats to me. 

Neighbor: “That’s Astrophe, that’s Erpillar, that’s Aract, that’s Alogue” 

Me: “Where on earth did you get such unusual names?”

Neighbor: “Oh, those are their last names. Their first names are Cat.”

One Liner

Bad weather reports are more likely to be accurate than good weather reports.

An extremely wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.

“Do you think she’d marry me if I tell her I’m 45?” he asked a friend.

“Your chances are better,” said the friend, “if you tell her you’re 90.”

One Liner

You don’t actually wash your hands. They wash each other and you stand there looking at them like a creep.

The doctor was giving the new mother instructions on the care of her first baby.

“Actually, it’s quite simple.” he said. “Just keep one end full and the other end dry and clean.”

One Liner

I hate when people accuse me of lolly gagging when I’m quite clearly dilly dallying.

Little Tony was so happy to see his grandmother that he ran up and gave her a big hug.

“I’m so happy to see you, grandma. Now daddy will have to do that trick he’s been promising to do!”

His grandmother was curious. “What trick is that, sweetie?”

The little guy smiled at her, “I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again!”

One Liner

If I’m counting right, it’s been 双ne of those days’ for three years now.