YOU KNOW YOU ARE GETTING OLDER WHEN…..

1. You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

2. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.

3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not eating cereal.

4. Your back goes out but you stay home.

5. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

6. Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

7. You say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.

8. All you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

9. You step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

10. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

11. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

12. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

13. It takes twice as long — to look half as good.

14. You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.

15. Everything either dries up or leaks.

One Liner
Newspaper ad …Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once.

Recently, our 18-year-old daughter started hunting for her first real job. She spent an afternoon filling out applications, leaving them on the kitchen table to finish later. As I walked by, a section of the application on top jumped out at me. Under “Previous Employment” she wrote, “Baby sitting.”

In answer to “Reason for Leaving” she wrote, “Parents came home.”

One Liner
Easter is when everybody dresses up for Jesus’ big coming out party.

A guy did system support in a law firm. One day, he had to log a user off and then back on. He entered her initials and then she gave me her password. Her password was “genius”.

After three tries and the system telling him “access denied,” he asked her how to spell it.

She said, “G – E – N – I – O – U – S.”

One Liner
“It’s not a bug – it’s just an undocumented feature”

Three students are leaving their last classes of the day.

The law student is thinking, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have coffee.”

The English student is thinking, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have a latte.”

The medical student is thinking, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.”

One Liner
A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

While reviewing math symbols with my second-grade pupils, I drew a greater-than (>) and a less-than (<) sign on the chalkboard and asked, “Does anyone remember what these mean?”

A few moments passed, and then a boy confidently raised his hand. “One means fast-forward,” he exclaimed, “and the other means rewind!”

One Liner
“A worldly man is one who’s plans all stop at the grave.” – William McDonnald

“Driver’s Test”

It was just another day at the DMV. I had taken a woman out on her driving test when a police cruiser came up behind us–sirens wailing, lights flashing.
“Was I speeding?” she asked the officer, after both cars pulled over.
“No,” said the officer. “But you are driving a stolen vehicle.”
Smiling awkwardly, the woman turned to me. “Does this mean I failed my test?”

One LINER
As I said before, I never repeat myself.

The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the girl he wanted to marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposals a number of times.

He began what can only be called “Campaigning” and sent her a small token of his affection every day for a month to her house.

Soon, the young lady fell in love with the UPS man.

One Liner
“God loves you, but He likes me best.”

A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”

One Liner
“When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.”