After dinner one evening, my dad starting entertaining our dinner guest by playing the piano.

At one point he turned to the visitor and said, “I understand you love music?”

“Yes,” murmured the guest politely. “But never you mind, you keep right on playing…”

One Liner
To your stomach all potatoes are mashed

A mostly-bald man went to his barber, who had a lush head of wavy hair.  He said, “If you could make my head look like yours, I’d give you $5000!”

The barber promptly started shaving his own head.

One Liner
Waldo wears a striped shirt because he doesn’t want to be spotted.

Martin was a slow-working employee and found it difficult to hold a job. Finally, he found work at the Zoo. The zookeeper, aware of his reputation, assigned him to the tortoise section.

Later, the zookeeper dropped by and found Martin standing by an empty enclosure.

“Where are the tortoises?” the zookeeper asked.

“I can’t believe it!” said Martin.  “I just opened the door and then … Whooooosh!”

One Liner
If you love someone, let them nap.

Every time a little boy went to a playmate’s house, he found the friend’s grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible. Finally his curiosity got the better of him.

“Why do you suppose your grandmother reads the Bible so much?” he asked.

“I’m not sure,” said his friend, “but I think she’s cramming for finals.”

One Liner
Do twins realize that at least one of them is unplanned?

Mrs. Pete Jones came into the newsroom to pay for her husband’s obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn’t it too bad about him passing away.

She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, “Pete died.”

The newsman said he thought Old Pete deserved more and he’d give her three more words.

Mrs. Pete Jones thanked him and rewrote the obituary: “Pete died. Boat for sale.”

One Liner
You’re not as young as you used to be. But you’re not as old as you’re going to be.

There was a fire at the convent.  One retired nun on the fourth floor was
trapped by the flames!  The resourceful Sister quickly took some robes from
her closet, tied them into a rope, and descended to safety.

An amazed reporter later asked her, “Weren’t you afraid your makeshift rope
might fall apart?”

“Oh, no,” she said. “Old habits are hard to break.”

One Liner
A thief broke into my house last night … he started searching for money so
I got up and searched with him.

A female crab was walking down the beach one evening when she noticed a male crab coming toward her, but he was walking straight and not sideways.

Impressed by his talent, she decided to marry him immediately. The next morning she noticed him walking sideways like any ordinary crab. She asked, “What happened? Yesterday you were able to walk straight!”

He answered, “What?! I can’t get that drunk every day!”

One Liner
When people say, “It’s always in the last place you look.” Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?