A man is in bed with his wife when there is knocking on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock. It’s half past three in the morning.

“I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

“Hi there,” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?”

“No, get lost, it’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.”

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?” and he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please!”

So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: “Where are you?”

And the stranger replies: “I’m over here, on your swing.”

One Liner
If your outgo exceeds your income, then your upkeep will be your downfall.

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud during the service. Finally, his big sister had enough.

“You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.”

“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked indignantly.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers!”

One Liner
Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

“How was your golf game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife.

“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went.”

“But you’re seventy-five years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?”

“But he’s eighty-five and doesn’t even play golf anymore,” protested Jack.

“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,” Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

“Do you see it?” asked Jack.

“Yup,” Scott answered.

“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

“I forgot.”

One Liner
Q: What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

A: I could be wrong, since I’m not a zoologist, but I believe the main difference is that one you will see later and the other in a while.

KID QUOTES

“Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals.” – Donna Maria G, age 9

“Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you.” – Rob P, age 8

“If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it.” – Steven B, age 8

“Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God’s Bill of Wrongs.” – Susie F., age 7

“Doctors automatically know what’s wrong with you. They have a sick sense.” – Beau M., age 10

One Liner |
My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them you just wait.

A man went to the doctor and said: “Doctor, I keep having visions of the future.”

“When did these start?”

“Next Thursday.”

One Liner
Kids today have it easy.  When I was a kid there was no Cartoon Network; we got cartoons on Saturday morning.  D’ya hear what I’m saying?!  We had to wait ALL WEEK!!

The condemned man was waiting for his execution, when the priest arrived.

“My son, I came to bring the word of God to you.”

“No thanks, Father. I’m going to talk to Him in a little while, personally.
Any message?”

One Liner
I was told that 70% of the population is stupid. I’m obviously with the
other 40%.

The age of the computer brings much ease and expertise to the preparation of the worship folders. Some churches which use the same basic format each week can simply call up the form on the computer screen, make a few necessary changes, and presto, it’s done.
But it can be tricky.

In one church I know, they use the same format for funeral services. And when a person dies and a funeral service is prepared, the secretary simply uses the word-search-and-replace process and changes the name of the deceased from the previous service to the name of the deceased who has just passed away.
Very simple.

So when Edna died, the pastor instructed the secretary to prepare the service for her by following the above mentioned process. The last person who died was Mary. So the secretary instructed the computer to change all “Mary”s to Edna”s. And so it was.

Imagine the surprise of the attendees when they recited the Apostles Creed and read: “He was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Edna…”

One Liner
How does Star Fleet pay the crew of the USS Enterprise? Star Bucks

Dad is down at the auto dealership, looking at potential choices.

“Cargo space?” he asks.

The salesman, slightly confused, finally replies, “Car no do that… car go road.”

One Liner
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact, it borders on Chile all the time.