Failure doesn’t mean – “You are a failure,”
It means – You have not succeeded.

Failure doesn’t mean – “You accomplished nothing,”
It means – You have learned something.

Failure doesn’t mean – “You have been a fool,”
It means – You had a lot of faith.

Failure doesn’t mean – “You don’t have it,”
It means – You were willing to try.

Failure doesn’t mean – “You are inferior,”
It means – You are not perfect.

Failure doesn’t mean – “You’ve wasted your life,”
It means – You have a reason to start afresh.

Failure doesn’t mean – “You should give up,”
It means – You must try again.

Failure doesn’t mean – “You’ll never make it,”
It means – It will take a little longer.

Failure doesn’t mean – “God has abandoned you,”
It means – God has a better way for you.

One Liner
Those who get too big for their britches, are sure to be exposed in the end.

A man fell into a pit and couldn’t get himself out…

~ A subjective person came along and said, “I feel for you down there.”

~ An objective person walked by and said, “It’s logical that someone would fall down there.”

~ A Pharisee said, “Only bad people fall into pits.”

~ A mathematician calculated how deep the pit was.

~ A news reporter wanted the exclusive story on the pit.

~ An IRS agent asked if he was paying taxes on the pit.

~ A self-pitying person said, “You haven’t seen anything until you’ve seen my pit.”

~ A fire-and-brimstone preacher said, “You deserve your pit.”

~ A Christian Scientist observed, “The pit is just in your mind.”

~ A psychologist noted, “Your mother and father are to blame for your being in that pit.”

~ A self-esteem therapist said, “Believe in yourself and you can get out of that pit.”

~ An optimist said, “Things could be worse.”

~ A pessimist claimed, “Things will get worse.”

Jesus, seeing the man, took him by the hand and lifted him out of the pit.

One Liner
A person can fail many times, but they aren’t a failure until they begin to blame somebody else.

Liz was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the Insurance policy with the clerk at the Insurance Agency.

During the discussion, she asked, “Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?”

The clerk eyed her suspiciously and replied, “A life sentence.”

One Liner

Pay no attention to the elephant in the room; it’s ir-elephant.

There’s a guy who’s hiking in the woods one day when a bear chases him up a really tall tree.

The bear started to climb the tree, so the guy climbed up higher. Then, the bear climbed down and went away.

So the guy starts to climb down the tree. Suddenly, the bear returns, and this time he’s brought an even bigger bear with him. The two bears climb up the tree, the bigger bear going higher than the first. But the guy climbed even higher still, so the bears couldn’t reach him. Eventually, the bears went away.

Naturally quite relieved, the guy starts down the tree again. Suddenly, the two bears return. But this time the guy knew he was in big trouble.

Each bear was carrying a beaver.

One Liner

I just learned that the inventor of Velcro died. RIP.

THE TEN MOST COMMON FORMS OF OFFICE ILLNESS

1. The Macy’s-One-Day-Sale Flu.

2. The Drivers-License-Renewal-Appointment-24-Hour Virus.

3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early-Sudden-Unbearable Stomach Pains.

4. The I’m-Looking-For-A-New-Job-And-I-Don’t-Know-How-Long-It’s-Going-to-Take-but-I-Want-To-Stay-On-The-Payroll-Until-Then Mysterious Infection.

5. The My-Boyfriend’s-Got-The-Week-Off-So-Suddenly-I’m-Too-Contagious-To-Come-In-To-The-Office Disease.

6. The I-Need-A-Hair-Cut-And-My-Stylist-Doesn’t-Make-Evening-Appointments Bout of Influenza.

7. The There’s-No-Federal-Holidays-For-Two-Months-And-I-Want-A-Day-Off Sickness.

8. The It’s-Spring-Break-And-I-Want-To-Pretend-I’m-A-Teenager-Again General Ailment.

9. The I’ve-Messed-Up-Royally-And-I-Won’t-Come-In-To-Face-The-Music Terminal Illness.

10. The I-Really-Am-Sick-And-I’ve-Got-The-Doctor’s-Bills-And-The-Completed-Medical-Expense-Reimbursement-Forms-To-Prove-It Infirmity

One Liner
Always give 100%. Unless you’re giving blood.

FOR DADS…

I figured out why they call our language the “Mother Tongue.” Fathers never get a chance to use much of it.

Say what you will about healthy eating and all, but I’ve always found it awfully difficult to explain to my son (who’s 6’4″ to my 6′ in height), why junk food is bad for you.

One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father’s Day.  They put a cot in the kitchen.

If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father’s Day.  I mean, what do you get somebody who’s Everything?

I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar.  From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold.

One Liner
Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.

A little boy just couldn’t learn. One day his teacher asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence. He didn’t know. For almost a week she asked him the same question every day, but still he couldn’t come up with the right answer.

Finally, in desperation, she called the boy’s father to her office. “Your boy won’t tell me who signed the Declaration of Independence,” she complained.

“Come here, son, and sit down,” the dad said to the boy. “Now if you signed that crazy thing, just admit it so we can get out of here!”

One Liner
I don’t understand why people have to “get ready for bed.” I’m always ready for bed.

A little boy just couldn’t learn. One day his teacher asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence. He didn’t know. For almost a week she asked him the same question every day, but still he couldn’t come up with the right answer.

Finally, in desperation, she called the boy’s father to her office. “Your boy won’t tell me who signed the Declaration of Independence,” she complained.

“Come here, son, and sit down,” the dad said to the boy. “Now if you signed that crazy thing, just admit it so we can get out of here!”

One Liner

If you can’t find a lawyer who knows the law, find a lawyer who knows the judge.