After returning from a fishing trip with her husband, a wife confessed to her neighbor:

“I did everything all wrong again today — I talked too much and too loud. I used the wrong bait. I reeled in too soon and, worst of all, I caught more fish than he did.”

One Liner

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

My new neighbor lady owns several cats. On a recent visit to meet her, she introduced her cats to me. 

Neighbor: “That’s Astrophe, that’s Erpillar, that’s Aract, that’s Alogue” 

Me: “Where on earth did you get such unusual names?”

Neighbor: “Oh, those are their last names. Their first names are Cat.”

One Liner

Bad weather reports are more likely to be accurate than good weather reports.

An extremely wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.

“Do you think she’d marry me if I tell her I’m 45?” he asked a friend.

“Your chances are better,” said the friend, “if you tell her you’re 90.”

One Liner

You don’t actually wash your hands. They wash each other and you stand there looking at them like a creep.

The doctor was giving the new mother instructions on the care of her first baby.

“Actually, it’s quite simple.” he said. “Just keep one end full and the other end dry and clean.”

One Liner

I hate when people accuse me of lolly gagging when I’m quite clearly dilly dallying.

Little Tony was so happy to see his grandmother that he ran up and gave her a big hug.

“I’m so happy to see you, grandma. Now daddy will have to do that trick he’s been promising to do!”

His grandmother was curious. “What trick is that, sweetie?”

The little guy smiled at her, “I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again!”

One Liner

If I’m counting right, it’s been 双ne of those days’ for three years now.

Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in California, I was stopped by a state trooper in Kansas for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother’s delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way.

Later, I was stopped by another trooper. “What have I done?” I asked.

“Nothing,” the trooper said, smiling. “I heard you were passing out great chocolate-chip cookies.”

One Liner

If you can’t think of a word, say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of ignorant.

An accordion player is driving home late one night after playing a concert. He’s tired and hungry so he stops at an all-night diner for a bite to eat.

Halfway through his meal he realizes that although he locked his car doors, his accordion is in the back seat, in plain sight!

He rushes out to his vehicle but he is too late. The windows are already smashed and someone has thrown in two more accordions.

One Liner

Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.