Taking great pains to be specific, the new auto-shop teacher on our staff
explained to three of his students that he wanted them to clean a car that
was parked outside. He gave them two extension cords, the vacuum cleaner, a
bucket, rags and the car keys. He mentioned that the car was one to be used
in his class.

Later he went out and discovered them sitting in the car, feet up on the
dashboard, listening to the stereo. “Why aren’t you vacuuming the car?” he
asked.

“Because the extension cord wouldn’t reach,” was the reply.

Exasperated, the teacher stated, “That’s why I gave you two.”

“We tried the other one,” a student said, “but it wouldn’t reach either.”

One Liner

One of the weirdest things about been an adult is having a favorite stove
top burner. No one talks about it, but y’all know it’s true.

Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sun set.

The history professor asked the psychology professor, “Have you read Marx?”

To which the professor of psychology replied, “Yes, and I think it’s these pesky wicker chairs.”

One Liner

Here’s a foolproof way to tell right from wrong: If the thought “could I get caught?” runs through your mind, it’s wrong.

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. 

“I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”

The son-in-law interrupted, “Oh, um, I actually hate factories. Can’t stand the noise.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”

“I hate office work, too” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”

One Liner

My wife says I only have 2 faults: I don’t listen and … something else…     

CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS

~ We have a food program in the church for those in need which we call The Pastor’s Pantry. Well, in the magazine, I (church secretary) wrote “THE PANTY FUND – so that no one will have to go without!” Oops.

~ A visiting pastor came to our church and before the sermon said, “My wife and I are very happy to be here. Honey, get up so the brothers can see you.”

~ We have received word of sudden passing of Rev. Smith this morning during the worship service. Now let’s sing “Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow.”

~ This Sunday morning following services we will have our monthly feelowship.

~ Sinspiration this Sunday night at church. Ya’ll Come!

One Liner
Dogs lick you because they love you. Cats lick you because you had chicken for dinner.

On this Memorial Day 2026, we pause to honor the courageous men and women who made the ultimate sacrifice defending our nation and its ideals. Their selfless service and unwavering bravery secured the freedoms we enjoy every single day, from sea to shining sea. We remember not only their names but the profound love of country that led them to answer the call, leaving families and futures behind. May their legacy inspire us to live with gratitude, unity, and purpose, ensuring their sacrifice is never forgotten.

Humor
I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again.
I didn’t get pulled over or anything…
I just showed up to work 20 minutes early.

One Liner
When opportunity knocks at your door, don’t be at the pier waiting for your ship to come in.