Humor – June 25

Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. “What’s wrong, Seamus?” Paddy asked. 
”Well didn’t ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?” said Seamus. 
”Ah, praise the Almighty!” Paddy replied with relief. “I thought I’d gone deaf!”

One LINER
Irish Blessing 
May the Good Lord take a liking to you… but not too soon!

Thought for the day
Psalm 39:6-7
We are merely moving shadows,
  and all our busy rushing ends in nothing. We heap up wealth,
  not knowing who will spend it.
 And so, Lord, where do I put my hope?
  My only hope is in you. 

Busy rushing ends in nothing ….. instead let your only hope be in God! Life is but a breath!!!

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Humor – June 24

Parish Change

A minister who had been with the same parish for many years, decided to leave and take a similar position in another church. Without telling anyone he had made this decision or writing a letter to the congregation, he waited until Sunday morning to announce his resignation in church.

When he spoke to the congregation he said, “The same Jesus that called me to this church many years ago has now called upon me to leave and serve another church.”

The choir stood and sang, “What a Friend We Have in Jesus”

One LINER
Honk if you love Jesus! Text while driving if you want to meet Him.

Thought for the day
Psalm 43:5
Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul? 
Why are you crying the blues? 
Fix my eyes on God— 
soon I’ll be praising again. 
He puts a smile on my face. 
He’s my God.

Don’t get down in the dumps or crying the blues I instead fix your eyes on God – He puts a SMILEY on your FACE!

Humor – June 21

“If you’ll make the toast and pour the juice, Sweetheart,” said the newlywed bride, “breakfast will be ready.”

“Good, what are we having for breakfast?” asked the new husband.

“Toast and juice,” she replied.

One Liner
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder or camera phone these days that no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?

Thought for the day
Matthew 6:26, “Look at the birds: they do not plant seeds, gather a harvest and put it in barns; yet your Father in heaven takes care of them! Aren’t you worth much more than birds?” (GNT).

Birds don’t do anything except “birdy” things. They tweet. They fly around. But they don’t sow or reap. Yet God still feeds them.

If God feeds the birds, he’ll feed you. Why worry?


Humor – June 20

A pastor was having an awful time with his congregation and eventually decided to pack it in.

At the close of the next Sunday morning service he announced, “Some years ago Jesus brought me to this congregation. Jesus is now taking me away from it.”

With those remarks he sat down somewhat abruptly and it was left to the organist to announce the closing hymn. “How appropriate,” he commented, “that we sing hymn number 104 – ‘What a friend we have in Jesus.'”

One Liner
I had amnesia once — or twice, I forget which it was.

Thought for the day
Matthew 6:25, Jesus says this: “Do not be worried about the food and drink you need in order to stay alive, or about clothes for your body. After all, isn’t life worth more than food? And isn’t the body worth more than clothes?” (GNT).

Worry exaggerates the problem. Problems don’t shrink when you think about them. They grow.


Humor – June 19

PULLED OVER

“Hey you! Pull over!” shouted the traffic cop.

The lady complied, and the judge next day fined her twenty-five dollars.

She went home in great anxiety lest her husband, who always examined her checkbook, should learn of the incident. Then inspiration struck and she marked the check stub, “One pullover, $25.”

One LINER  
The police have stopped my husband so many times for speeding, they decided to just give him a season ticket.

Thought for the day
“A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret” (Proverbs 11:13 NIV).

We tend to think of gossip as one of those “little” sins. But when God talks about gossip, he puts it on the list with things like sexual immorality and murder. Why? Because it is so destructive to relationships. Gossip can tear apart friendships, families, and churches.

Gossip is talking about a situation with somebody who is neither a part of the problem nor a part of the solution. If we’re honest, what we’re doing is making ourselves feel a little more important at somebody else’s expense.