Mrs. Pete Jones came into the newsroom to pay for her husband’s obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn’t it too bad about him passing away.

She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, “Pete died.”

The newsman said he thought Old Pete deserved more and he’d give her three more words.

Mrs. Pete Jones thanked him and rewrote the obituary: “Pete died. Boat for sale.”

One Liner
You’re not as young as you used to be. But you’re not as old as you’re going to be.

There was a fire at the convent.  One retired nun on the fourth floor was
trapped by the flames!  The resourceful Sister quickly took some robes from
her closet, tied them into a rope, and descended to safety.

An amazed reporter later asked her, “Weren’t you afraid your makeshift rope
might fall apart?”

“Oh, no,” she said. “Old habits are hard to break.”

One Liner
A thief broke into my house last night … he started searching for money so
I got up and searched with him.

A female crab was walking down the beach one evening when she noticed a male crab coming toward her, but he was walking straight and not sideways.

Impressed by his talent, she decided to marry him immediately. The next morning she noticed him walking sideways like any ordinary crab. She asked, “What happened? Yesterday you were able to walk straight!”

He answered, “What?! I can’t get that drunk every day!”

One Liner
When people say, “It’s always in the last place you look.” Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

Dewey goes to the local revival and listens to the preacher. After a while the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Dewey gets in line, and when it’s his turn the preacher asks, “Dewey, what do you want me to pray about for you?” 

Dewey replies: “Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.”

The preacher puts one finger in Dewey’s ear, and he places the other hand on top of Dewey’s head and prays and prays.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks: “Dewey, how is your hearing now?”

Dewey says, “I don’t know, Parson, it ain’t until next Wednesday.”

One Liner
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know Y.

I told my doctor’s receptionist I need an appointment.

“How about 10 tomorrow?” she asked.

“I don’t need that many,” I replied.

One Liner
Some days I amaze myself. Other days I put my keys in the fridge.

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco’s Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz.

Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.

Finally they reached the ticket window.

“Five tickets, please,” the father said. “Two round trip, three one way.”

One Liner
For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press 3.

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running to church as fast as
she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.

As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord,
please don’t let me be late!”

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting
her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off,
and started running again.

As she ran she once again began to pray, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be
late! But please don’t shove me either!”

One Liner
Q: Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
A: Prism, but it’s a light sentence.