The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing
could dampen Jennifer’s excitement, not even her parents’ nasty divorce. 

Her mother Sheila finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the
best-dressed mother of the bride EVER! 

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new young stepmother,
Barbie, had purchased the same dress. She asked Barbie to exchange the
dress, but Barbie refused, “Absolutely not! I’m going to wear this dress.
I’ll look like a million bucks in it!” 

Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, “Never mind, dear. I’ll
get another dress, after all it’s YOUR special day, not ours.” 

Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for
lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, “What are you going to do with the first
dress? Maybe you should return it. You don’t have any place to wear it.”

Sheila grinned and replied, “Of course, I do, dear. I’m wearing it to the
rehearsal dinner.”

One Liner

Q. How do you make sure that no one steals your bagel? 
A. You put lox on it

After a long and serious operation, Lena ended up in a coma. Try as they might, the doctors just couldn’t bring her out of it. When her husband Ralph came into the intensive care unit to see her, the doctors gave him the bad news.

“We just can’t wake her. It doesn’t look good I’m afraid,” the doctor told Ralph in a quiet somber voice.

Ralph looked at Lena and with a soft trembling voice said “But doctor, she’s so young. She’s only 45.”

“37” came the weak reply from Lena.

One Liner

I hate when people ask what I did yesterday. I don’t know. I breathed a lot. Probably got mad at something. Sighed heavily, The list goes on.

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “WOW! I never thought our son
would go that far!”

I said, “This catapult is amazing! Go get our daughter.”

One Liner

If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.

A judge addressed the court, at the start of a case:

“I have to declare an interest in this case. Last week, the plaintiff sent me a check for $10,000 to find in his favor. Two days later, I received $20,000 from the defendant to find in his favor.

“I have therefore sent $10,000 back to the defendant and can try the case without bias.”

One Liner

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re giving blood.

Boss: You got your hair cut on company time?!

Susie: It grew on company time.

Boss: Not all that hair!

Susie: I didn’t get it all cut.

One Liner

I know a rancher who lets his cows roam anywhere they wish. He lets the chips fall where they may.

Doctor: You need to listen to your body more often.

My body: You’re old and you want cheese.

One Liner

One of the Smith Brothers, who invented Wild Cherry Cough Drops and Throat Lozenges, died last week. There was no coffin at the funeral.

THINGS LEARNED LIVING IN TEXAS

~ A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

~ There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Texas

~ There are 10,000 types of spiders.  All 10,000 of them live in Texas .

~ If it grows, it’ll stick ya.  If it crawls, it’ll bite cha.

~ ‘Jaw-P?’ means, ‘Did y’all go to the bathroom?

~ There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper.

~ Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you’re two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.

~ “Backwards and forwards” means “I know everything about you.”

~ The word ‘jeet’ is actually a phrase meaning, ‘Did you eat?’

~ You measure distance in minutes.

~ You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

~ You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete, Tabasco, and Ketchup.

~ You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

~ Fried catfish is the other white meat.

One Liner

Try resistance training…refuse to go to the 

Think of the biggest number you can.

Now add five.

Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies.

Wow, that’s five more than the biggest number you could come up with!

One Liner

I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn’t work.