One Sunday morning when my son, David, was about 5, we were attending a church in our community.

It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible.

This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector.

My child immediately raised his hand and said, “It means Daddy’s cooking dinner.”

One Liner
Scientists can now grow human vocal cords from stem cells in the lab. The results speak for themselves.

Joan decided to redecorate. She wasn’t sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need for the bedroom but she knew that Buffy next door had recently done the same job, and the two apartments were identical in size.

“Buffy,” she said, “How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?”

“Ten,” said Buffy.

So Joan bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but had 2 rolls left over.

“Buffy,” she said, “I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I’ve got 2 left over!”

“Yeah,” said Buffy, “So did I.”

One Liner
If a chess champion is coming to dinner, don’t use a checkered tablecloth. It could take him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

Jim had an awful day fishing, sitting on the lake all day without a single bite.  On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.

He told the fish salesman, “Pick out the four largest ones and throw them at me, will you?”

“Okay, but why do you want me to throw them at you?”

“Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them.”

One Liner
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, “My son is such a saint.  He works hard, doesn’t smoke, and he hasn’t so much as looked at a woman in over two years.”

The other woman said, “Well, my son is a saint himself.  Not only hasn’t he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn’t touched a drop of liquor in all that time.”

“My word,” the first mother said.  “You must be so proud.”

“I am,” the second mother replied.  “And when he’s paroled next month, I’m going to throw him a big party.”

One Liner
What if oxygen is actually killing us, and it just takes 75-100 years to work?

Having looked the other way for weeks, the boss finally called Smith into his office for a sit-down.

“You know, Smith,” he said, “I’ve noticed that every time you have to take your dear old aunt to her doctor’s appointments, there’s a home game over at the stadium.”

“Wow, sir. I guess you’re right,” Smith answered. “I didn’t realize it. You don’t think she’s faking it, do you?”

One Liner
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

LAX airport security has led to a string of IKEA robberies.

Police are building their case but still piecing together the evidence. The detective named to lead the case is Allen Wrench whose sidekick is Phillip.

They are right on the case, putting the screws to key suspects.

One Liner

My wife told me to put ketchup on the shopping list. Now I can’t read anything.

Man #1: “I was told you are one of the leading experts on genealogy in our country.”

Man #2: “Indeed, I am. That is what I wrote my doctoral dissertation on.”

Man #1: “Great! Can you tell me how they fit inside that little lamp?”

One Liner

I’ve discovered that I now have enough money to last the rest of my life. As long as I die by next Friday.