Humor – March 4

The doctor told me “Physical exercise is good for you.” I know that I should do it, since my body is so out of shape. So I have worked out this easy daily program I can do anywhere: 

Monday: 
Beat around the bush. 
Jump to conclusions. 
Climb the walls. 
Wade through paperwork. 

Tuesday: 
Drag my heels. 
Push my luck. 
Make mountains out of mole hills. 
Hit the nail on the head. 

Wednesday: 
Bend over backwards. 
Jump on the band wagon. 
Balance the books. 
Run around in circles. 

Thursday: 
Toot my own horn. 
Climb the ladder of success. 
Pull out the stops. 
Add fuel to the fire. 

Friday: 
Open a can of worms. 
Put my foot in my mouth. 
Start the ball rolling. 
Go over the edge. 

Saturday: 
Pick up the pieces. 

Whew! 
What a workout! 

Humor – March 3

And now for a story of a truly loving husband: 

One day a man walked into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract a wisdom tooth. 
    “Eighty dollars,” the dentist says. 
    “That’s a ridiculous amount,” the man says. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?” 
    “Well,” the dentist says, “if you don’t use an anesthetic, I can knock it down to $60.” 
    “That’s still too expensive,” the man says. 
    “Okay,” says the dentist. “If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20.” 
    “Nope,” moans the man, “it’s still too much.” 
    “Hmm,” says the dentist, scratching his head. 
    “If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10.” 
    “Marvelous,” says the man, “book my wife for next Tuesday!” 

One Liner
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!” 

“Shucks,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!” 

Humor – March 2

REASONS TO TITHE

Your church has started a new stewardship drive and has given several reasons for tithing:

1. The last few Sundays the treasurer has gotten up halfway through the service and turned off the heat/air conditioning.

2. The preacher’s wife has worn the same dress now every Sunday for the past two years.

3. You can’t call the church office because the phone has been disconnected.

4. The offering plates have been sold and replaced with popcorn buckets.

5. The ushers are beginning to drool and growl as they collect the offering.

6. The treasurer has started wearing sackcloth and ashes.

7. Parking meters have been installed in the church parking lot.

8. There’s no money for new choir robes, so the choir has resorted to wearing their bath robes.

One Liner
I’m great at multi-tasking. I can waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once.

Humor – March 1

Interviewer: “Tell me Miss Cromwell, if you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, who would it be?”

Miss Cromwell: “The living one.”

One Liner
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now am the proud owner of Aisle 4.

Humor – February 26

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. 

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes the teacher
asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes
north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude . . .?”

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating
alone.”

One Liner
I wonder if God was so fed up with all our fighting down here that He sent
us to our rooms.

Humor – February 25

A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.

“I’ll be right back with some water,” the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.

Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water, “Okay, after the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about 20 minutes.”

One Liner
Don’t panic! The nerds have seen the movies and played the games. They will save us.

Humor – February 24

A man finished baby-proofing his house and his wife says, “Aw, honey, I thought you said you didn’t want to have kids?”

He responds, “I don’t. Let’s see them get in now.”

One Liner
I told my wife how thankful I was to have someone I enjoyed being quarantined with. She said, “Must be nice.”

Humor – February 23

A man came into the pharmacy and said to the technician, “Do you have anything that will stop hiccups?” 

The tech leaned over the counter and slapped the man’s face. 

The man said “What did you do that for?” 

The tech replied, “Well, you don’t have any hiccups now, do you?” 

The man replied, “I never did. I came in for my wife out in the car.” 

One Liner
I was told that 70% of the population is stupid. I’m obviously with the other 40%.