Humor – December 10

TOP TEN GIFTS YOUR HUSBAND DOESN’T WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

10.  Anne of Avonlea/Anne of Green Gables Collectors Edition with 74 minutes of extra footage

9.  Any knick-knack

8.  Tickets to the ballet

7.  Another new tie

6.  A Bath and Body Works Soap Basket

5.  New teddy bear pajamas

4.  Vacuum cleaner

3.  A weekend seminar on “Getting in Touch With Your Feelings”

2.  Pair of fuzzy bunny slippers

1.  A nose and ear hair trimmer

One Liner
I know. I know. People say, “It’s the thought that counts, not the gift,” but couldn’t people think a bit bigger?!

Thought for the day
Thinkers also need to be careful to practice what they know. If you know it, then do it! James 1:22 says, “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says”

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Humor – December 7

Twas the night before finals, and all through the college,
The students were praying for last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy, but none touched their beds,
While visions of essays danced in their heads.

In my own apartment, I had been pacing,
And dreaded exams I soon would be facing.
My roommate was speechless, his nose in his books,
And my comments to him drew unfriendly looks.

I drained all the coffee, and brewed a new pot,
No longer caring that my nerves were all shot.
I stared at my notes, but my thoughts they were muddy,
My eyes went a blur, I just couldn’t study.

“Some pizza might help,” I said with a shiver,
But each place I called refused to deliver.
I’d nearly concluded that life was too cruel,
With futures depending on grades had in school.

When all of a sudden, our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put-It-Off ambled inside.
Her spirit was careless, her manner was mellow,
She wore a white toga, she started to bellow:

“What kind of student would make such a fuss,
To toss back at teachers what they tossed at us?”
“On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes! On last year’s exams!
On Wingit and Slingit, and last minute crams!”

Her message delivered, she vanished from sight,
But we heard her laughing outside in the night.
“Your teachers have pegged you, so just do your best.
Happy finals to all, and to all, a good test!”

One Liner
I absolutely refuse to be assertive!

Thought for the day
Proverbs 20:25 says, “It is a trap to dedicate something rashly and only later to consider one’s vows” (NIV). It is a trap to decide without deliberating, to make a promise without pondering, to make a commitment without first considering the cost.

Humor – December 6

WAYS TO ANNOY YOUR ROOMMATE DURING CHRISTMAS

~ Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder.

~ Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa’s lap. Refuse to get off.

~ Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the games.

~ Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (e.g., “You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night.”)

~ Sing: “All I want for Christmas is my roommate’s two front teeth…”

~ Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.

~ Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn’t come to life, cry hysterically “it didn’t work!”

~ Ring jingle bells maniacally saying “every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.”

One Liner
Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

Thought for the day
“Don’t be impressed with your own wisdom” Proverbs 3:7a

Why? Because God is God, and you’re not.

Humor – December 5

Q:  What do we have in December that we don’t have in any other month?

A:  The letter “D”!

Q:  What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

A:  Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

One Liner
We had cured ham for Christmas dinner.  We all wondered what illness it was cured of.

Thought for the day
 “Hard work is worthwhile, but empty talk will make you poor” Proverbs 14:23

God’s warning for talkers is this: You also have to act.

Humor – December 4

TOP TEN GIFTS YOUR WIFE DOESN’T WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

10.  A car wash kit

9.  A table saw

8.  Two all-day passes to Best Buy’s Home Theatre Installation Seminar

7.  A case of oil

6.  Five-year subscription to Sports Illustrated

5.  Custom engraved bowling ball

4.  New outboard motor for fishing boat

3.  Rambo Trilogy on DVD

2.  New satellite dish with sports package

1.  Three-year membership to Weight Watchers Clinic

One Liner
Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf.

Thought for the day
“You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength” Mark 12:30

Another way to say this is, love God with all your talk, all your feelings, all your thinking, and all of your acting. God shaped you to primarily be a talker, feeler, thinker, or a doer.