My new neighbor lady owns several cats. On a recent visit to meet her, she introduced her cats to me. 

Neighbor: “That’s Astrophe, that’s Erpillar, that’s Aract, that’s Alogue” 

Me: “Where on earth did you get such unusual names?”

Neighbor: “Oh, those are their last names. Their first names are Cat.”

One Liner

Bad weather reports are more likely to be accurate than good weather reports.

An extremely wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.

“Do you think she’d marry me if I tell her I’m 45?” he asked a friend.

“Your chances are better,” said the friend, “if you tell her you’re 90.”

One Liner

You don’t actually wash your hands. They wash each other and you stand there looking at them like a creep.

The doctor was giving the new mother instructions on the care of her first baby.

“Actually, it’s quite simple.” he said. “Just keep one end full and the other end dry and clean.”

One Liner

I hate when people accuse me of lolly gagging when I’m quite clearly dilly dallying.

Little Tony was so happy to see his grandmother that he ran up and gave her a big hug.

“I’m so happy to see you, grandma. Now daddy will have to do that trick he’s been promising to do!”

His grandmother was curious. “What trick is that, sweetie?”

The little guy smiled at her, “I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again!”

One Liner

If I’m counting right, it’s been 双ne of those days’ for three years now.

Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in California, I was stopped by a state trooper in Kansas for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother’s delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way.

Later, I was stopped by another trooper. “What have I done?” I asked.

“Nothing,” the trooper said, smiling. “I heard you were passing out great chocolate-chip cookies.”

One Liner

If you can’t think of a word, say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of ignorant.

An accordion player is driving home late one night after playing a concert. He’s tired and hungry so he stops at an all-night diner for a bite to eat.

Halfway through his meal he realizes that although he locked his car doors, his accordion is in the back seat, in plain sight!

He rushes out to his vehicle but he is too late. The windows are already smashed and someone has thrown in two more accordions.

One Liner

Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.  

“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.  

“No,” said the minister.  “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.” 

“You’re both wrong,” the guru said.  “The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.” 

The repairman could contain himself no longer: “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted. “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.” 

One Liner

It’s my first week working at the bicycle factory and they already made me a spokesperson.

Years ago I had just delivered twins. They were a boy and a girl. The head nurse brought them out for my husband to see. He could hardly believe his good fortune. The girl baby had a pink blanket wrapped around her and the boy baby was enclosed in a blue blanket.

He took one step forward just so he could touch the babies and believe they had finally arrived. As he started to touch them, the nurse took a step backwards and said, “You can’t touch those babies. You aren’t sterile!!”

With out missing a beat, my husband retorted “Obviously, I’m not sterile!”

One Liner

The reason some people want cremation is it’s their last chance to have a smoking hot body.