While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class almost 50 years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

“Yes,” he replied.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “In 1953.”

“Why, you were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, “What did you teach?”

One Liner

If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don’t swallow it whole.

The teacher noticed that Al had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention.

“Al,” she said, “If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I?

“Thirty-four,” Al answered unhesitatingly.

The teacher replied “Well, that’s not far from my actual age. Tell me…how did you guess?”

“Oh, there’s nothing to it,” Al said. “My big sister is seventeen and she’s only half-crazy.”

One Liner

I miss the 90s when bread was good for you and no one had heard of kale.

Lady (to her doctor): “What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.”

Doctor: “How come?”

Lady: “According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches.”

One Liner

Last night, I accidently superglued my thumb and my pointing finger together. I’ll be okay for a while.

A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks.  He asked why. The waiter said “Chopsticks are provided only on request.”  

“But,” the man countered, “if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn’t have to pay someone to wash all the forks.”

“True,” the waiter shot back, “but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess.”

One Liner

Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. Solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

One caller to our phone support service gave me his name, number and message and then said, “You know my name. What’s yours?”

“We’re not allowed to give our names,” I replied, “but my operator number is 4136”

Sounding disappointed, he said, “May I call you by your first digit or would that be too personal?”

One Liner
Do twins realize that at least one of them is unplanned?

A four-year-old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked in her ears, he asked, “Do you think I’ll find Big Bird in here?”

The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, “Do you think I’ll find the Cookie Monster down there?”

Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heartbeat, he asked, “Do you think I’ll hear Barney in there?”

“Oh, no!” the little girl replied. “Jesus is in my heart. Barney’s on my underpants.”

One Liner
Elections: Things that are held to see if the polls were right.

After dinner, the children turned to Uncle Jacob and asked if he would tell them a story.

“A story about what?” asked Jacob.

“About a giant,” squealed the children.

Jacob smiled, leaned against the warm stones at the side of the fireplace, and his voice turned softly inward.

“Once there was a boy who asked his father to take him to see the great parade that passed through the village. The father, remembering the parade from when he was a boy, quickly agreed, and the next morning the boy and his father set out together.

“As they approached the parade route, people started to push in from all sides, and the crowd grew thick. When the people along the way became almost a wall; the father lifted his son and placed him on his shoulders.

“Soon the parade began and as it passed, the boy kept telling his father how wonderful it was and how spectacular were the colors and images. The boy, in fact, grew so prideful of what he saw that he mocked those who saw less saying, even to his father, ‘If only you could see what I see.'”

“But,” said Jacob staring straight in the faces of the children, “what the boy did not look at was why he could see. What the boy forgot was that once his father, too, could see.”

Then as if he had finished the story, Jacob stopped speaking.

“Is that it?” said a disappointed girl. “We thought you were going to tell us a story about a giant.”

“But I did,” said Jacob. “I told you a story about a boy who could have been a giant.”

“How?” squealed the children.

“A giant,” said Jacob, “is anyone who remembers we are all sitting on someone else’s shoulders.”

“And what does it make us if we don’t remember?” asked the boy.

“A burden,” answered Jacob.

One Liner
Nobody is as blind as a person who refuses to see.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs for help…after it bites your leg off.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?
A stick.

One Liner
People say 60 is the new 40. The cop who just pulled me over didn’t agree.