I told my doctor’s receptionist I need an appointment.

“How about 10 tomorrow?” she asked.

“I don’t need that many,” I replied.

One Liner
Some days I amaze myself. Other days I put my keys in the fridge.

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco’s Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz.

Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.

Finally they reached the ticket window.

“Five tickets, please,” the father said. “Two round trip, three one way.”

One Liner
For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press 3.

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running to church as fast as
she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.

As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord,
please don’t let me be late!”

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting
her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off,
and started running again.

As she ran she once again began to pray, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be
late! But please don’t shove me either!”

One Liner
Q: Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
A: Prism, but it’s a light sentence.

A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt uneasy, not knowing about all the new technology.

A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.

“Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing,” she said.

“So would I,” replied the technician. “It’s a floor-cleaning machine.”

One Liner
My doctor emailed me asking if I knew my “blod group.”
I replied, “typo.”

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class almost 50 years ago. 

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

“Yes,” he replied.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “In 1953.”

“Why, you were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, “What did you teach?”

One Liner

If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don’t swallow it whole.

“I’m going fishing.”
    Really means: “I’m going to stand by a stream with a stick in my hand all day, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”

“It’s a guy thing.”
    Really means: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

“Can I help with dinner?”
    Really means: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

“Uh-huh.” “Sure, honey.” “Yes, dear.”
    Really means: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

One Liner
I received another letter from some lawyer yesterday. It had “Final Notice” written on the envelope. Good. They won’t be bothering me anymore.