humor pic of the week
Humor – September 4
A guy was in court charged with parking in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense.
“They shouldn’t put up such misleading notices,” said the guy. “It said `FINE FOR PARKING HERE`.”
One Liner
“Don’t let anyone tell you you’re getting old – squash their toes with your rocker.”
Humor – September 3
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the
manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. ‘But why,’ they
asked, as they moved off. ‘Because,’ he said, ‘I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting
in an open foyer.’
One Liner
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them.
Humor – September 2
Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings.
One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it.
The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.
Liz walks over to the artist and says, “I don’t understand your paintings.”
“I paint what I feel inside me,” explains the artist.
“Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?”
One Liner
“Background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.”
Humor – September 1
Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget’s Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied…
One Liner
Politicians: People who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, order more tunnel.
Humor – August 31
Joan’s husband likes to sing. He decided to join the church choir. From time to time he would practice in the shower or getting dressed or preparing a meal.
Whenever he would start in on a song, Joan would head outside to the porch.
Her husband, with hurt feelings, said, “What’s the matter, Joan? Don’t you like my singing?”
Joan replied, “Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I’m not beating you.”
One Liner
A burglar broke info our house. I put the little red light on his chest and the cat took care of the rest.
humor pic of the week
Humor – August 28
Fellow shows up at the local dry cleaner’s, looking somewhat sheepish.
“I’m really sorry to bother you with this,” he says, “but I was cleaning out my closet and I found this old ticket for a suit I brought in to be cleaned five years ago! It must have fallen out of my pocket and it has been sitting in the back of my closet gathering dust since then! Would you by any chance still have the suit?”
The dry cleaner looks at the ticket and says he will go to the back of the shop to look.
Fellow hears the dry cleaner rummaging around in the back for about twenty minutes. Finally, the dry cleaner emerges, covered in dust, but with a triumphant smile on his face. “You won’t believe it,” says the dry cleaner, “but I have good news for you!”
“Oh my goodness!” says the fellow. “You mean you actually found it?”
“Yep!” Said the dry cleaner proudly: “It’ll be ready next Tuesday!”
One Liner
Wife asks husband, “Does this dress make me look fat?” Husband to wife, “Does this shirt make me look stupid?”
Humor – August 27
A pre-birth class was aimed at couples who already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:
“Some parents,” she said, “tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.’ But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.’?”
One of the women spoke up immediately. “Does she cook?”
One Liner
People blame things on the previous generations because they don’t like the only alternative.
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