It was World War II, and the captain was attempting to rally the GIs on the eve of a big offensive.

“Out there,” said the captain, “is your enemy. The man who has made your life miserable, who is working to destroy you; the man who has been trying to kill you day after day throughout this war.”

Private Johnson jumped to his feet. “The cook’s working for the Germans!”

One Liner
I’ve learned that people will forget what you said… people will forget what you did… but people will never forget how you made them feel.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE GETTING OLDER WHEN…..

1. You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

2. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.

3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not eating cereal.

4. Your back goes out but you stay home.

5. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

6. Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

7. You say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.

8. All you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

9. You step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

10. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

11. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

12. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

13. It takes twice as long — to look half as good.

14. You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.

15. Everything either dries up or leaks.

One Liner
Newspaper ad …Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once.

Recently, our 18-year-old daughter started hunting for her first real job. She spent an afternoon filling out applications, leaving them on the kitchen table to finish later. As I walked by, a section of the application on top jumped out at me. Under “Previous Employment” she wrote, “Baby sitting.”

In answer to “Reason for Leaving” she wrote, “Parents came home.”

One Liner
Easter is when everybody dresses up for Jesus’ big coming out party.

A guy did system support in a law firm. One day, he had to log a user off and then back on. He entered her initials and then she gave me her password. Her password was “genius”.

After three tries and the system telling him “access denied,” he asked her how to spell it.

She said, “G – E – N – I – O – U – S.”

One Liner
“It’s not a bug – it’s just an undocumented feature”

Three students are leaving their last classes of the day.

The law student is thinking, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have coffee.”

The English student is thinking, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have a latte.”

The medical student is thinking, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.”

One Liner
A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

While reviewing math symbols with my second-grade pupils, I drew a greater-than (>) and a less-than (<) sign on the chalkboard and asked, “Does anyone remember what these mean?”

A few moments passed, and then a boy confidently raised his hand. “One means fast-forward,” he exclaimed, “and the other means rewind!”

One Liner
“A worldly man is one who’s plans all stop at the grave.” – William McDonnald