The airhead tried to sell his old car. He was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day he mentioned his problem to a friend he worked with. The friend told him, “There is a way to make your car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”

“That doesn’t matter,” replied the airhead, “as long as I can sell the car.”

“Okay,” said the friend. “Here’s the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem to sell.” The following weekend, the airhead made the trip to the mechanic.

A month later, the friend asked the airhead, “Did you sell your car?”

“No,” replied the airhead, “why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.”

One Liner
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?” The little boy nodded yes.

So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him an idiot or blind. Do you understand all that?” The little boy nodded yes again.

He continued, “And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play too, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach stupid is it?” The little boy shook his head NO.

“GOOD,” said the coach, “Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”

One Liner
The Golden Rule is of no use to you unless you realize that it is your move.

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks.

The two Americans just stare at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?” he tries.

The two continue to stare.

“Parlare Italiano?”

No response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”

“Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

One Liner
If you don’t like my driving, just take a different road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.

Ms. Crabtree had been telling her 1st grade class the story of the discovery of America by Columbus.

She concluded with, “And all this happened more than 500 years ago.”

“Wow!” exclaimed Little Johnny, “What a great memory you have!”

One Liner
“If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?”

I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got married in the U.S. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

One Liner
Did you hear about the two radio antennas that got married?

The wedding was terrible, but the reception was excellent!

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?” A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy. “Really? How do you know?” the teacher asked. “You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven…”

One Liner
People want the front of the bus, back of the church and center of attention.

 the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.

Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved the man’s life.

As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.

“Just name the fee,” he croaked gratefully.

“Okay,” replied the doctor. “How about half of what you’d have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?”

One Liner
“We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.” – Edith Lovejoy Pierce