Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in California, I was stopped by a state trooper in Kansas for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother’s delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way.

Later, I was stopped by another trooper. “What have I done?” I asked.

“Nothing,” the trooper said, smiling. “I heard you were passing out great chocolate-chip cookies.”

One Liner

If you can’t think of a word, say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of ignorant.

An accordion player is driving home late one night after playing a concert. He’s tired and hungry so he stops at an all-night diner for a bite to eat.

Halfway through his meal he realizes that although he locked his car doors, his accordion is in the back seat, in plain sight!

He rushes out to his vehicle but he is too late. The windows are already smashed and someone has thrown in two more accordions.

One Liner

Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.  

“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.  

“No,” said the minister.  “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.” 

“You’re both wrong,” the guru said.  “The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.” 

The repairman could contain himself no longer: “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted. “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.” 

One Liner

It’s my first week working at the bicycle factory and they already made me a spokesperson.

Years ago I had just delivered twins. They were a boy and a girl. The head nurse brought them out for my husband to see. He could hardly believe his good fortune. The girl baby had a pink blanket wrapped around her and the boy baby was enclosed in a blue blanket.

He took one step forward just so he could touch the babies and believe they had finally arrived. As he started to touch them, the nurse took a step backwards and said, “You can’t touch those babies. You aren’t sterile!!”

With out missing a beat, my husband retorted “Obviously, I’m not sterile!”

One Liner

The reason some people want cremation is it’s their last chance to have a smoking hot body.

My wife and I were planning a vacation down to sunny South Florida from Atlanta. We were going to visit her parents and they really wanted to see their grandchildren, Chris (4 yrs old) and Becky (2 yrs old).

We had been telling the kids, that we soon would be “going to Miami to see grandma and grandad.” We explained that it would take two days to drive there and that we would stop at different neat places along the way. They were really excited.

A couple of days before we were to leave, Chris came up to me and asked me, “How many more days before we go to Your Ami?” I just died laughing.

One Liner

My company is better at making sun-screen than our competitors, but I don’t like to rub it in!

Little Girl: “Daddy, what do you have to do to become a doctor?”

Daddy: “You have to do well in school, take a lot of math and science, get into an excellent college, then go to med school, and follow that with an internship. Then you can start your own practice. Honey, as smart as you are, you can be anything you want to be.”

Little Girl (after some thought): “What do you have to do to be queen?”

One Liner

Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.

A diner in a restaurant started to choke on a bone.  Another diner rushed over and performed the Heimlich Maneuver. The bone popped out.

As the first man’s breath and voice returned he said, “You saved my life! How can I ever repay you?”

The other man grinned and said, “I’ll settle for one percent of what you were willing to pay while you were choking.”

One Liner

I hate people who can’t let go of the past. Debt collectors are the worst.

After a long and serious operation, Lena ended up in a coma. Try as they might, the doctors just couldn’t bring her out of it. When her husband Ralph came into the intensive care unit to see her, the doctors gave him the bad news.

“We just can’t wake her. It doesn’t look good I’m afraid,” the doctor told Ralph in a quiet somber voice.

Ralph looked at Lena and with a soft trembling voice said “But doctor, she’s so young. She’s only 45.”

“37” came the weak reply from Lena.

One Liner

I hate when people ask what I did yesterday. I don’t know. I breathed a lot. Probably got mad at something. Sighed heavily, The list goes on.