THE TEN MOST COMMON FORMS OF OFFICE ILLNESS

1. The Macy’s-One-Day-Sale Flu.

2. The Drivers-License-Renewal-Appointment-24-Hour Virus.

3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early-Sudden-Unbearable Stomach Pains.

4. The I’m-Looking-For-A-New-Job-And-I-Don’t-Know-How-Long-It’s-Going-to-Take-but-I-Want-To-Stay-On-The-Payroll-Until-Then Mysterious Infection.

5. The My-Boyfriend’s-Got-The-Week-Off-So-Suddenly-I’m-Too-Contagious-To-Come-In-To-The-Office Disease.

6. The I-Need-A-Hair-Cut-And-My-Stylist-Doesn’t-Make-Evening-Appointments Bout of Influenza.

7. The There’s-No-Federal-Holidays-For-Two-Months-And-I-Want-A-Day-Off Sickness.

8. The It’s-Spring-Break-And-I-Want-To-Pretend-I’m-A-Teenager-Again General Ailment.

9. The I’ve-Messed-Up-Royally-And-I-Won’t-Come-In-To-Face-The-Music Terminal Illness.

10. The I-Really-Am-Sick-And-I’ve-Got-The-Doctor’s-Bills-And-The-Completed-Medical-Expense-Reimbursement-Forms-To-Prove-It Infirmity

One Liner
Always give 100%. Unless you’re giving blood.

FOR DADS…

I figured out why they call our language the “Mother Tongue.” Fathers never get a chance to use much of it.

Say what you will about healthy eating and all, but I’ve always found it awfully difficult to explain to my son (who’s 6’4″ to my 6′ in height), why junk food is bad for you.

One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father’s Day.  They put a cot in the kitchen.

If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father’s Day.  I mean, what do you get somebody who’s Everything?

I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar.  From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold.

One Liner
Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.

A little boy just couldn’t learn. One day his teacher asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence. He didn’t know. For almost a week she asked him the same question every day, but still he couldn’t come up with the right answer.

Finally, in desperation, she called the boy’s father to her office. “Your boy won’t tell me who signed the Declaration of Independence,” she complained.

“Come here, son, and sit down,” the dad said to the boy. “Now if you signed that crazy thing, just admit it so we can get out of here!”

One Liner
I don’t understand why people have to “get ready for bed.” I’m always ready for bed.

A little boy just couldn’t learn. One day his teacher asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence. He didn’t know. For almost a week she asked him the same question every day, but still he couldn’t come up with the right answer.

Finally, in desperation, she called the boy’s father to her office. “Your boy won’t tell me who signed the Declaration of Independence,” she complained.

“Come here, son, and sit down,” the dad said to the boy. “Now if you signed that crazy thing, just admit it so we can get out of here!”

One Liner

If you can’t find a lawyer who knows the law, find a lawyer who knows the judge.

A guy bought a new fridge. He put the old fridge in his front yard with a sign saying: “Free to good home, You want it — you take it.”   

For three days the fridge sat there. So he changed the sign to read: “Fridge for sale $50.”

The next day someone stole it.

One Liner
Did you hear the one about the woman who threw her toaster away because it kept burning the bread? She was black toast intolerant.

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.

“I’m an attorney,” the wincing man said, “and this is going to cost you five grand!”

“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry,” the concerned golfer replied. “But I did yell ‘fore.'”

“I’ll take it,” the attorney said.

One Liner
I think NASCAR would be much more exciting if, like in a skating rink, every 15 minutes someone announced it was time to reverse direction.