Man #1: “I was told you are one of the leading experts on genealogy in our country.”

Man #2: “Indeed, I am. That is what I wrote my doctoral dissertation on.”

Man #1: “Great! Can you tell me how they fit inside that little lamp?”

One Liner

I’ve discovered that I now have enough money to last the rest of my life. As long as I die by next Friday.

YOU might be a school employee if you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, “Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.”

YOU might be a school employee if you encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling and are willing to donate the U-Haul boxes should they decided to move out of district.

YOU might be a school employee if you think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

YOU might be a school employee if you believe the playground should be equipped with a Ritalin salt lick.

YOU might be a school employee if you can’t imagine how covering your students chair with Velcro and then requiring uniforms made out of the corresponding Velcro could ever be misunderstood by the public.

YOU might be a school employee if meeting a child’s parent instantly answers this question, “Why is this kid like this?”

YOU might be a school employee if you know how many days, minutes, and seconds are left in the school year.

One Liner

Teaching your kids in the heat of the moment is bad heir-conditioning.

Leaving a plush nightclub one evening, a miserly gentleman walked past the
doorman without tipping him.

Nevertheless, the doorman helped the man into a taxi with a flourish and
said pleasantly, “By the way, in case you happen to lose your wallet on the
way home, sir, just remember that you didn’t pull it out here.”

One Liner
I went to Magician’s School but flunked the final exam. They were all trick
questions.

They say that a preacher’s wife is always his number one assistant.

An example of this comes one Sunday morning after the preacher had just
finished his sermon.  He went and sat down with his wife and she asked him
how he thought the church service went.

The Preacher shrugged and said, “The worship was excellent, and I think the
prayer and communion times went quite well, but,” he continued, “I just
don’t think the sermon ever got off the ground.”

The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said,
“Well, it sure did taxi long enough!”

One Liner
I would imagine if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive
you crazy.

Trying to come to the aid of his father, who was stopped by an officer for speeding, the lil’ tyke piped up:

“Yeah? Well, if we were speeding, so were you!”

One Liner

Cured ham? No thanks, pal. Cured of what? What if it has a relapse on my plate?

Taking great pains to be specific, the new auto-shop teacher on our staff explained to three of his students that he wanted them to clean a car that was parked outside. He gave them two extension cords, the vacuum cleaner, a bucket, rags and the car keys. He mentioned that the car was one to be used in his class.

Later he went out and discovered them sitting in the car, feet up on the dashboard, listening to the stereo. “Why aren’t you vacuuming the car?” he asked.

“Because the extension cord wouldn’t reach,” was the reply.

Exasperated, the teacher stated, “That’s why I gave you two.”

“We tried the other one,” a student said, “but it wouldn’t reach either.”

One Liner
The best murder weapon would a Tupperware lid because nobody would ever be able to find it.

A cowboy from Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going home to Texas for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the cowboy handed over the keys to a brand new Ford F-250 King Ranch. The truck was parked on the street in front of the bank. The old cowboy produced the title and everything checked out.

The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the cowboy from the south for using a $85,000 pickup truck as collateral for a
$5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the truck into the bank’s private underground garage and safely parked it.

Two weeks later, the old cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07, and took the keys to his truck.

The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumnus From Texas A&M, a highly-sophisticated investor and a multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The good ‘ole Texan replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my truck for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”

One Liner

The wurst thing about working at a sausage shop is that every day is ground hog day.