A couple went to the county courthouse to get a marriage license.  They accidentally walked into the office that handled hunting licenses.

“We’re from out of state,” said the prospective groom. “Can we get a license?”

The clerk replied, “No, but I can give you a three-day permit.”

One Liner
“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo.”

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, “Edna, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.”

Edna always replied, “I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, “Edna, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.”

To this, Edna replied, “Buddy, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”

The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.”

Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of crazy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, trying to elicit even a peep, but still not a word!

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I am impressed!”

Buddy replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!”

One Liner
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer. People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

One Sunday morning when my son, David, was about 5, we were attending a church in our community.

It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible.

This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector.

My child immediately raised his hand and said, “It means Daddy’s cooking dinner.”

One Liner
Scientists can now grow human vocal cords from stem cells in the lab. The results speak for themselves.

Joan decided to redecorate. She wasn’t sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need for the bedroom but she knew that Buffy next door had recently done the same job, and the two apartments were identical in size.

“Buffy,” she said, “How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?”

“Ten,” said Buffy.

So Joan bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but had 2 rolls left over.

“Buffy,” she said, “I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I’ve got 2 left over!”

“Yeah,” said Buffy, “So did I.”

One Liner
If a chess champion is coming to dinner, don’t use a checkered tablecloth. It could take him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

Jim had an awful day fishing, sitting on the lake all day without a single bite.  On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.

He told the fish salesman, “Pick out the four largest ones and throw them at me, will you?”

“Okay, but why do you want me to throw them at you?”

“Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them.”

One Liner
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.