Humor – January 22

It was approaching the end of the year at John’s school, and so near prom time. He decided that he wanted to try his luck and ask the most popular girl in his year out. So he got in line to ask her, and he waited, and he waited, and he waited. When he finally got to the front of the line, he was amazed because the girl said yes! She also handed him a long list of criteria he would have to meet for her to go with him.

The first criterion was a limousine. So he went to the limousine shop and, as it was near prom time, he waited and waited and waited to get to the front of the line and hired a limousine. The second criterion was a suit from the most prestigious clothes maker in the city. So John went to that shop and waited and waited and waited to be fitted. Once he got his suit he looked at the list and chased up the next criteria on the list (roses, tickets, chauffeur, etc.) and at each one he had to wait for a very long line.

Finally it was the night of the prom. John went and picked up the girl in his limousine, had the chauffeur drive them to the prom, picked up his roses, and arrived at the prom venue. To get in to the prom they waited and waited to get in. When they finally got to their seats, John’s girl asked him to get her a glass of punch. When John got to the punch table, he was surprised, because there was no punch line.

One Liner
Always borrow money from pessimists. They don’t expect to be paid back.

Thought for the day
“After this, the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision . . . ‘A son who is your own flesh and blood will be your heir.’ He took him outside and said, ‘Look up at the sky and count the stars—if indeed you can count them.’ Then he said to him, ‘So shall your offspring be.’ Abram believed the Lord, and he credited it to him as righteousness.” Genesis 15:1, 4-6 NIV

God stretched Abraham’s imagination by telling him to look up at the stars and try to count them—that’s how many descendants God promised that Abraham would have. The entire Jewish nation came from this man.

Abraham had something he could visualize. Every night when he walked outside, he could look up and say, “That’s going to be my family!”

God grows our faith by stretching our imagination, by giving us a dream. What you can dream and believe in faith, you can achieve.

Humor – January 21

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog’s owner, Ron, and his wife, Lisa, and their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker and they were hoping for a miracle.

I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn’t do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.

As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for four-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker’s family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.

The little boy seemed to accept Belker’s transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker’s death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives.

Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, “I know why.”

Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I’d never heard a more comforting explanation.

He said, “People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life — like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?”

The four-year-old continued, “Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don’t have to stay as long.”

One Liner
One day you’ll find someone who doesn’t care about your past because they want to be part of your future.

Thought for the day
“Glory belongs to God, whose power is at work in us. By this power he can do infinitely more than we can ask or imagine”  Ephesians 3:20 GW

Imagine the greatest things that could happen in your life. Whatever you imagine, God can outdo it!

Humor – January 20

There once was a magician who finally got his big break and got a job as a head-liner in Vegas. So, he was out doing his first performance and was just wowing the crowd! I mean they were eating this stuff up! Every trick he did had perfect timing; every trick came off so believable! He was on a roll.

He got down to his last trick and asked for an audience member to assist him. Even with how well he was doing, everyone in the audience was still hesitant. Finally, he pointed to a man in the audience and reluctantly the man came forward.

“Welcome sir! I will ask you to please take this mallet that I have here and, after I have laid my head on this block, I want you to smack me in the head with that mallet as hard as you can,” the magician said.

Well, of course the man was shocked and refused to do it.

The magician replied, “Sir, have I not wowed you tonight with my magic?”

“Well, yes you have but…”

“No buts, sir! Do you not trust that I am a professional magician that knows what he is doing?”

“I guess so,” the man replied.

“Well then, when I say I want you to smack me on the head with this mallet then I mean it. Trust me sir, I know what I’m doing.”

“Ok, I trust you.”

So, the magician lays his head down on the block, the man from the audience raises the mallet, the crowd gasps, the man brings down the mallet on the magicians head…and the magicians head is split clean open. Blood everywhere.

The magician is rushed to the hospital not looking too well. After hours in surgery, the doctors explain that they have sewed up the magician’s head but he is in a coma. They won’t know anything until he wakes up.

In the meantime, the man from the audience feels just horrible. He knows it’s his fault. He stays by the magician’s side every spare moment he gets.

Reading to him, telling him stories, all in the hope that one day soon the magician will wake up and he can apologize for this horrible thing he has done.

Four years this goes on. Then one day, out of the blue, the magician begins to stir. The man from the audience calls in the doctors and friends and family. Everyone is standing around the hospital bed waiting to see if he is going to be okay or if he can speak.

The magician opens his eyes and attempts to sit up in bed. He looks around at all the loving attention he seems to be getting from his family and friends. He sits up all the way in bed and looks around once more and says, “TA-DAA!”

One Liner
Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?

Thought for the day
“People who promise things they never give are like clouds and wind that bring no rain” (Proverbs 25:14 GNT).

The Bible says people who don’t follow through on their commitments are like clouds that never produce the benefit of rain. If you’re a person of integrity, you keep your word. When you say you’ll do something, you do it.

 

Humor – January 17

THINGS I’VE SEEN IN TEXAS

~ A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

~ There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Texas

~ There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in Texas .

~ If it grows, it’ll stick ya. If it crawls, it’ll bite cha.

~ There is no such thing as ‘lunch.’ There is only dinner and then there is supper.

~ Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you’re two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.

~ “Backwards and forwards” means “I know everything about you.”

~ The word ‘jeet’ is actually a phrase meaning, ‘Did you eat?’

~ You don’t have to wear a watch, because it doesn’t matter what time it is. You work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see

~ You measure distance in minutes.

~ You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

~ You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete, Tabasco and Ketchup.

~ The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for high school football.

~ You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

~ Fried catfish is the other white meat.

One Liner
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Thought for the day
Proverbs 18:9 says, “Slack habits and sloppy work are as bad as vandalism” (The Message). The Living Bible translates the verse this way: “A lazy person is as bad as someone who destroys things”.

God considers it a serious sin when we don’t give a full day’s work for a full day’s pay. Even if no one else at work gives their all, followers of Jesus should.

Humor – January 16

A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with “1 John 4:18” which reads: “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.”

The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake “John 4:18”: “For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband.”

One liner
The secret of managing life is to keep the folks who can’t stand you away from the folks who are undecided.

Thought for the day
“Let the Spirit change your way of thinking” (Ephesians 4:23 CEV).

We must change the way we think. The Bible says we are “transformed” by the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:2)