On a tour of New York City, a woman and her children visited St Patrick’s
Cathedral. 

They were awestruck by the soaring beauty of the place.  The kids were
especially curious about the votive candles.  The Mom explained that people
generally say a prayer when they light a candle — usually a prayer of
petition or thanks.  She asked if they’d each like to light one – which they
did. 

As they left,  the five-year-old said: “If there’s a pony outside, it’s
mine.”

One Liner
Old age is like flying through a storm. Once you’re aboard, there’s nothing
you can do.


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Fifteen minutes into flight, the pilot announced: “Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left.”

Thirty minutes later the pilot announced: “One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don’t worry, we can fly just fine on two engines.”

An hour later the pilot announced: “One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don’t worry, we still have one engine left.”

The guy in seat 17A turned to me and said, “If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day!”

One Liner

Every morning I get hit by the same bicycle. It’s a vicious cycle.

A couple purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and there was little insulation, but the couple figured: “If they could live here all those years, so can we!”

One November night the temperature plunged below zero and the interior walls were covered with frost. The new owners called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm.

Turns out, they always went to Florida for the winter.

One Liner

If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone. Just take another road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.

A young man drove his scooter in to a gas station and dismounted.

“I’ll need about a pint of gas,” he said to the attendant, “and a few ounces of oil for the motor.”

“Certainly, sir,” the attendant said, “And would you also like me to cough into your tires?”

One Liner

The secret to a clean kitchen is simple. Don’t cook. Ever.

A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.

“That’s impossible,” said the tourist. “No one could throw a coin that far!”

“You have to remember,” answered the guide. “A dollar went a lot farther in those days.”

One Liner

The other day I yelled into a colander and I strained my voice.

“I came in to make an appointment with the dentist,” said the man to the receptionist.

“I’m sorry sir,” she replied. “He’s out right now, but…”

“Thank you,” interrupted the obviously nervous prospective patient. “When will he be out again?”

One Liner

No one should live by the early bird policy until learning whether they classify as a bird or a worm.