“Did you ever see the customers in health-food stores?
They are pale skinny people who look half-dead.
In a steak house you see robust, ruddy people.
They’re dying, of course, but they look terrific.” – Bill Cosby
One Liner
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
An irritated father complained to his golf buddy, “When I was a kid, my parents sent me to my room without supper if I misbehaved. But my son has his own TV, telephone, computer, and every computer game and CD player in his room!”
“So how do you handle it?” his friend asked.
“I send him to MY room!”
One Liner
Normal people worry me.
During a game, the coach asked one of his young players: “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“Do you understand that what matters is winning together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “when a strike is called, or you are out at first, you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?”
Again, the boy nodded yes.
“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain it to your mother.”
One Liner
One man’s red tape is another man’s system.
This is a story about a little girl who, on the way home from church, turned to her mother and said, “Mommy, the Preacher’s sermon this morning confused me.”
The mother said, “Oh! Why is that?”
The girl replied, “Well, he said that God is bigger than we are. Is that true?”
“Yes, that’s true,” the mother replied.
“He also said that God lives within us. Is that true, too?”
Again the mother replied, “Yes.”
“Well,” said the girl. “If God is bigger than us and He lives in us, wouldn’t He show through?”
One Liner
Keep the faith…but not from others!
DOCTOR FUNNY #1
After the doctor gave the patient his diagnosis, the patient asked, “Can I have a second opinion?”
The doctor replied, “Sure. Come back tomorrow.”
DOCTOR FUNNY #2
Two kids were deciding what game to play. One said, “Let’s play doctor.”
“Good idea,” said the other. “You operate, and I’ll sue.”
One Liner
Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. “My name is Billy. What’s yours?” asked the first boy.
“Tommy,” replied the second.
“My daddy’s an accountant. What does your daddy do for a living?” asked Billy.
Tommy replied, “My daddy’s a lawyer.”
“Honest?” asked Billy.
“No, just the regular kind,” replied Tommy.
One Liner
I had to quit my job crushing soft drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Kathy walks into the kitchen and sees Rachel with the whole box of animal crackers spread out on the counter top.
Kathy: “Why did you pour out the whole box?”
Rachel: “The box says, ‘Do not eat if the seal is broken.’ I’m looking for the seal.”
One Liner
In theory, everything works.
