Humor – September 25

Mr. Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When Mr. Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

Mr. Lee nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

Replied Mr. Lee, “No, from skipping.”

One Liner
I tried working in a wheel factory, but I got too tired.

Thought for the day
“Never avenge yourselves. Leave that to God, for he has said that he will repay those who deserve it” Romans 12:19a

The heart of real forgiveness is relinquishing your right to get even.

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Humor – September 24

A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang “Happy Birthday” to him.

But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number. “Don’t let it bother you,” said a strange but amused voice. “You folks need all the practice you can get.”

One Liner
I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

Thought for the day
“I am sure that God who began the good work within you will keep right on helping you grow in His grace until His task within you is finally finished on that day when Jesus Christ returns” (Philippians 1:6 LB).

It takes years for us to grow to adulthood, and it takes a full season for fruit to mature and ripen. The same is true for the fruit of the Spirit. The development of Christlike character cannot be rushed. Spiritual growth, like physical growth, takes time.

 

Humor – September 21

Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps difficult and dangerous. So we attach small lights called chemlites to our jumpsuits to make ourselves visible to the rest of our team. Late one night, lost after a practice jump, we knocked on the door of a small cottage. When a woman answered, the sight of five men festooned in glowing chemlites greeted her.

“Excuse me,” I said. “Can you tell me where we are?”

In a thick English accent, the woman replied, “Earth!”

One Liner
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.”

Thought for the day
“Those hired at five o’clock came up and were each given a dollar. When those who were hired first saw that, they assumed they would get far more” (Matthew 20:9-10 The Message).

The key to overcoming envy is to stop comparing yourself to others.


Humor – September 20

I tell you, men drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on Highway 11 from Albert Street, I looked over to my left and there’s this man in a Mustang doing 95 miles per hour with his face up next to his rear view mirror…. shaving!!!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back, he’s halfway over in my lane.

It scared me so bad I almost dropped my eye liner pencil in my coffee.

One Liner
“There is only one pretty child in the world… and every mother has it.”
~Chinese Proverb.

Thought for the day
It is he who saved us and chose us for his holy work not because we deserved it but because that was his plan. 2 Timothy 1:9 (LB)

You were saved ti serve God.  You’re not saved by service, but you are saved for service. In God’s kingdom, you have a place, a purpose, a role, and a function to fulfill. This gives your life great significance and value.

Humor – September 19

There’s an old sea story about a ship’s captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad.

The captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

The first mate responded, “Aye, aye sir, I’ll see to it immediately!”

The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, “The captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear.”

He continued, “Pittman, you change with Jones. McCarthy, you change with Witkowski. And Brown, you change with Schultz.”

One Liner
Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

Thought for the day
“Seven times each day I stop and shout praises for the way you keep everything running right.”  Psalm 119:164

The love of God is like a fire in the heart of man, which breaks forth and praising Him for his benefits.  So stop seven times and praise Him!  Get started ……