An elderly couple decided they just spent too much time and energy complaining about all their aches and pains.

“Let’s agree to not say a word about our ailments,” suggested the wife. “We’ll talk about something else or say nothing at all.”

“Great idea!” replied the husband.

Two months later, they got a message from Alexa. “Alexa is wondering if you are both OK. For the past two months we have picked up no verbal communication in your household.”

One Liner
The dating site says this guy has a corner office with a view of the whole city; he drives a $600,000 vehicle; and he’s paid to travel. Turns out he’s a bus driver.

There was a businesswoman who had just completed a huge development project for an obscenely rich investor.

When she was leaving the investor’s office he offered her diamonds, rubies and a silver-plated luxury car, but she declined.

The investor insisted, so she said that she just started to golf and maybe a set of golf clubs would be nice.

A few weeks later she received a message from him: “So far I have bought you three golf clubs. I hope you aren’t disappointed that only two of them have swimming pools.”

One Liner
They say an elephant never forgets — but how much does an elephant really have to remember?

One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter what the Sunday School lesson was about. Daughter answered “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilts.”

Needless to say, Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about.

He said “Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.” Now it made sense.

One Liner
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.”
~Abraham Lincoln

My wife doesn’t complain often, but once she was having an old-fashioned “heart-to-heart” with me and said, “Hon, you never listen to me. Every time I try to talk to you, you get this far-away look in your eyes after only a few seconds. Please promise me you’ll try to work on that.”

The last thing I remember was replying, “I’m sorry, what was that you were saying?”

One Liner
Birthdays are good for you … the more you have the longer you live.

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give her away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

Everyone in the room was wondering what it was that she handed to her father.  He felt the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. Therefore, he announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life.”

Then he raised his hand with what his daughter had given him and continued, “My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me.”

The whole audience, including the minister, started laughing.

For some strange reason, the poor groom did not…   

One Liner

I use an extra sensitive toothpaste. It doesn’t like it when I use other toothpastes.

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting the weather for the TV news program.

He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he’d been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.   

He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. 

Hopkins wrote, “The climate didn’t agree with me.”

One Liner

I used to run a dating agency for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.

A little three-year-old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what’s up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.

His mother says: “Billy, are you all right? You’ve been in here for a while.

Billy says: “I’m fine, mommy… just haven’t gone ‘doody’ yet.”

Mother says: “OK, you can stay here a few more minutes. But Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?”

Billy says: “Works for ketchup!”

One Liner

Two frogs were sitting on a lily pad. One said to the other, “Time sure is fun when you are having flies!”

One day on the way home from church a little girl turned to her mother and said, “Mommy, the preacher’s sermon this morning confused me.”

The mother said, “Oh! Why is that?

The girl replied, “Well, he said that God is bigger than we are. Is that true?”

“Yes, that’s true,” the mother replied.

“He also said that God lives within us.  Is that true too?”

Again the mother replied, “Yes.”

“Well,” said the girl. “If God is bigger than us and he lives in us, wouldn’t He show through?”

One Liner

Sometimes we have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give us the right to be cruel.