A couple purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and there was little insulation, but the couple figured: “If they could live here all those years, so can we!”

One November night the temperature plunged below zero and the interior walls were covered with frost. The new owners called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm.

Turns out, they always went to Florida for the winter.

One Liner

If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone. Just take another road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.

A young man drove his scooter in to a gas station and dismounted.

“I’ll need about a pint of gas,” he said to the attendant, “and a few ounces of oil for the motor.”

“Certainly, sir,” the attendant said, “And would you also like me to cough into your tires?”

One Liner

The secret to a clean kitchen is simple. Don’t cook. Ever.

A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.

“That’s impossible,” said the tourist. “No one could throw a coin that far!”

“You have to remember,” answered the guide. “A dollar went a lot farther in those days.”

One Liner

The other day I yelled into a colander and I strained my voice.

“I came in to make an appointment with the dentist,” said the man to the receptionist.

“I’m sorry sir,” she replied. “He’s out right now, but…”

“Thank you,” interrupted the obviously nervous prospective patient. “When will he be out again?”

One Liner

No one should live by the early bird policy until learning whether they classify as a bird or a worm.

Janice, my sister, had been pestering her husband, a carpenter, for more than a decade to build a screen door for the kitchen.

One day, to her delight, he built and installed one in less than two hours. It was both practical and pretty. She glanced towards the front door and wistfully remarked that one would look good there, as well. 

“Are you kidding?” he gasped. “You can’t just whip these things up, you know. It takes ten years to build a door like this.”

One Liner

Money can’t buy everything…but then again neither can no money.

In Marine Corps boot camp, I soon learned that everything we recruits used belonged to our drill instructor. For instance, he referred to the stuff in our footlockers as “my trash” and to the racks where we slept as “my racks.”

One time when when we were all whispering in the bathroom while making “head calls,” our drill instructor must have overheard us.

To our surprise, she suddenly yelled, “Why do I hear voices in my head?”

One Liner

I’ve started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof.

Jill: What took you so long?

Jack: I was parking the car!

Jill: How long does it take to park a car?!

Jack: I kept driving around looking for an empty space, but I couldn’t find one. As for the parking lots, their prices are outlandish! Finally, I found one place to park where the price was reasonable.

Jill: Where was that?

Jack: In a drive-in theater.

One Liner

Cookie dough is the sushi of desserts.

Several women were visiting a elderly lady who was ill. 

After a while, they rose to leave and told her, “We will keep you in our prayers.”

“Just wash the dishes in the kitchen,” the ailing woman said, “I can do my own praying.”

One Liner

Cat puns really freak meowt…I’m not kitten!