A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor of twenty years. They had the following conversation:

Dr.: “Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water.”

Woman: “Ok.”

Dr: “Take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water.”

Woman: “Ok.”

Dr.: “Take the yellow pill after dinner with three glasses of water.”

After giving these instructions to the woman, she asks, “Can you tell me what’s wrong with me, doctor?”

Dr.: “Yeah. You don’t drink enough water.”

One Liner

Puns that accurately foretell the future are punforseeable.

2021: Didn’t jog.

2022: Didn’t jog.

2023: Didn’t jog.

2024: Didn’t jog.

2025: Didn’t jog.

2026: Still haven’t jogged.

This is a running joke.

One Liner

If you eat your cake fast enough, your Fitbit will think you’re walking.

Harry the Complainer and his wife happened to pass away on the same day and as they await their interview with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, they’re approached by an angel.

“Hello,” says the angel. “I’m your host, and welcome to Heaven. In a few moments you’ll be entering through our famous Pearly Gates for the most fantastic adventure you’ve ever experienced. You’ll have a chauffeur driven limousine service anywhere in the universe, plus deluxe accommodations at our luxury hotel with all the amenities — pool, Jacuzzi, indoor tennis courts, and more. Then after your day of relaxation, dine at any of our 5-star restaurants savoring the finest of any cuisine known to man.”

At this point, Harry gives his wife a shove in the ribs with his elbow. “If it wasn’t for you and that stupid oat bran, we’d have been here ten years ago!”

One Liner

Boy, am I ever rich now that I am retired! Silver in my hair, gold in my teeth, crystals in my kidneys, and an abundant supply of natural gas.

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him, “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.”

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”

But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, “You brought pavement?!?!” 

One Liner

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

HOW TO KNOW IT’S TIME TO BUY A NEW CAR

~ A car exactly like yours is featured in a display in your local museum.

~ Instead of an airbag, there’s a whoopie cushion taped to your steering wheel.

~ You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year-old on a moped.

~ As you drive by, people keep yelling, “Get a horse.”

~ Your emergency brake consists of putting your leg through a hole in the floorboard and dragging your foot on the pavement.

~ When you gas up, the attendant asks, “Can I re-duct-tape that windshield for you?”

~ Replacement running boards just aren’t made like they used to.

~ While waiting at a stop light, people run up asking if anyone was hurt.

~ Police are constantly pulling you over on the interstate to ask why you’re not maintaining the minimum 65 mph speed.

~ Traffic reporters are starting to refer to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.

~ Your gas gauge measures in cubits.

One Liner

If I had a quarter for each math exam I’ve failed, I’d have $6.30.

A man visiting a doctor says, “Doctor, I just dropped in to tell you how much I benefited from your treatment.”

The doctor replied, “But you are not one of my patients.”

The man said, “I know. But my uncle Bill was, and I am his heir.”

One Liner

If you swallow uranium, you will probably get atomic ache.