A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife: 

“You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.” 

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow”? 

“You mean you’re coming empty handed?”

One Liner

I went to a fish restaurant last night and ordered the Octopus. The waiter told me it takes 4 hours to cook. “Why”, I asked. He said “It’s because it keeps turning the gas off”.

A fellow took a new job in a hilly Eastern city. His commute was a tiring array of tunnels, bridges, and traffic jams. Thinking to make the trip more bearable, he invited some coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.

“Doc,” the frustrated commuter complained, “I’m fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I’m going to explode! What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?”

“No, no, no,” said the doctor. “This problem is actually quite common.”

“Tell me! What is it?”

“You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.”

One Liner

Being an adult: 1 star, would not recommend.

APRIL FOOLS DAY FUNNIES

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Noah. Noah who? Noah good April Fools’ joke?

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke for April Fools’ Day, but you didn’t like it.

What’s the difference between Thanksgiving and April 1st? On Thanksgiving, you’re grateful and on April 1st, you’re prankful.

Why were the monkeys pranking each other? It was the first of Ape-ril!

What would you name a research organization that was founded on April 1st? A Think Prank. 

I was going to tell you a pizza joke for April Fools’ Day, but it was too cheesy.

Why do hard-boiled eggs love April Fools’? They enjoy practical yolks.

Why don’t eggs tell April Fools’ jokes? They’d crack each other up.

One Liner

Q: Why is everyone so tired on April 1? A: Because they’ve just finished a 31-day March!

A woman’s husband died. He had $100,000 to his name.

After paying all the funeral expenses, she told her closest friend that there was no money left. 

The friend asked, “How can that be? You told me he had $100,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?” 

The widow replied, “Well, the funeral cost me $16,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, pay the organist and all. That was $1500, and I spent another $1500 for the wake, the food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone.” 

The friend asked, “$80,500 for the memorial stone? My goodness, how big was it?” 

The widow replied, “Three carats.”

One Liner

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor of twenty years. They had the following conversation:

Dr.: “Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water.”

Woman: “Ok.”

Dr: “Take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water.”

Woman: “Ok.”

Dr.: “Take the yellow pill after dinner with three glasses of water.”

After giving these instructions to the woman, she asks, “Can you tell me what’s wrong with me, doctor?”

Dr.: “Yeah. You don’t drink enough water.”

One Liner

Puns that accurately foretell the future are punforseeable.

2021: Didn’t jog.

2022: Didn’t jog.

2023: Didn’t jog.

2024: Didn’t jog.

2025: Didn’t jog.

2026: Still haven’t jogged.

This is a running joke.

One Liner

If you eat your cake fast enough, your Fitbit will think you’re walking.

Harry the Complainer and his wife happened to pass away on the same day and as they await their interview with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, they’re approached by an angel.

“Hello,” says the angel. “I’m your host, and welcome to Heaven. In a few moments you’ll be entering through our famous Pearly Gates for the most fantastic adventure you’ve ever experienced. You’ll have a chauffeur driven limousine service anywhere in the universe, plus deluxe accommodations at our luxury hotel with all the amenities — pool, Jacuzzi, indoor tennis courts, and more. Then after your day of relaxation, dine at any of our 5-star restaurants savoring the finest of any cuisine known to man.”

At this point, Harry gives his wife a shove in the ribs with his elbow. “If it wasn’t for you and that stupid oat bran, we’d have been here ten years ago!”

One Liner

Boy, am I ever rich now that I am retired! Silver in my hair, gold in my teeth, crystals in my kidneys, and an abundant supply of natural gas.