As the crowded airliner is about to push away from the gate
, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.  No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in a Marine uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.  Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.  All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, sir,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?”

The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.”

One Liner
The word “nun” is basically just the letter n doing a cartwheel.

There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass — not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it. One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found.

As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning. When he awoke, he went outside and saw that his dog had eaten all the grass in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun.

Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said, “A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me.”

One Liner
Gotta love the irony of a generation raised on making prank calls only to be terrorized daily by robo-calls now.

A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat is accidentally killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news.

Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, “But don’t worry, the cat is in heaven with God now.”

The boy replied, “What’s God gonna’ do with a dead cat?”

One Liner
Two wrongs don’t make a right. But three will get you back on the interstate highway.

An elderly couple decided they just spent too much time and energy complaining about all their aches and pains.

“Let’s agree to not say a word about our ailments,” suggested the wife. “We’ll talk about something else or say nothing at all.”

“Great idea!” replied the husband.

Two months later, they got a message from Alexa. “Alexa is wondering if you are both OK. For the past two months we have picked up no verbal communication in your household.”

One Liner
The dating site says this guy has a corner office with a view of the whole city; he drives a $600,000 vehicle; and he’s paid to travel. Turns out he’s a bus driver.

There was a businesswoman who had just completed a huge development project for an obscenely rich investor.

When she was leaving the investor’s office he offered her diamonds, rubies and a silver-plated luxury car, but she declined.

The investor insisted, so she said that she just started to golf and maybe a set of golf clubs would be nice.

A few weeks later she received a message from him: “So far I have bought you three golf clubs. I hope you aren’t disappointed that only two of them have swimming pools.”

One Liner
They say an elephant never forgets — but how much does an elephant really have to remember?

One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter what the Sunday School lesson was about. Daughter answered “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilts.”

Needless to say, Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about.

He said “Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.” Now it made sense.

One Liner
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.”
~Abraham Lincoln

My wife doesn’t complain often, but once she was having an old-fashioned “heart-to-heart” with me and said, “Hon, you never listen to me. Every time I try to talk to you, you get this far-away look in your eyes after only a few seconds. Please promise me you’ll try to work on that.”

The last thing I remember was replying, “I’m sorry, what was that you were saying?”

One Liner
Birthdays are good for you … the more you have the longer you live.

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give her away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

Everyone in the room was wondering what it was that she handed to her father.  He felt the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. Therefore, he announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life.”

Then he raised his hand with what his daughter had given him and continued, “My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me.”

The whole audience, including the minister, started laughing.

For some strange reason, the poor groom did not…   

One Liner

I use an extra sensitive toothpaste. It doesn’t like it when I use other toothpastes.