“We have your son,” said the kidnapper.
“I don’t have a son,” says the woman.
“Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crust off his sandwiches?”
“Oh no, you have my husband.”
Told my wife I wanted to be cremated. Made an appointment for me next Wednesday.
At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled around the kitchen table.
The training officer was discussing the behavior of fire: “You pull up to a house and notice puffs of smoke coming from the eaves, blackened out windows and little or no visible flame. What does this tell you?” he asked.
Expecting to hear that the house is in a possible back draft situation, a condition very dangerous to fire fighters, he instead heard from one quick wit, “You got the right place.”
I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.
A family who had some visitors coming to lunch and they wanted to show-off to their visitors how well they had bought up their children and how well their children prayed.
So when it came to lunch, they said to their son, “Johnny, why don’t you pray?”
Johnny looked rather embarrassed and he said, “I can’t.”
So, the mother just whispered to him, “Johnny, just say what Daddy said at breakfast.”
So he shut his eyes and said, “Oh God, why do we have to have these awful people over for lunch today?”
Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.
The pastor had been disturbed by a person who was a fast reader.
“We shall now read the Twenty-third Psalm in unison,” he announced.
“Will the lady who is always by ‘the still waters’ while the rest of us are in ‘green pastures,’ please pause until we catch up?”
One Liner |
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young. If they panic and start running toward you, you’re old.
Two bats are going for their midnight feed. After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.
The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, “Where did you get all that blood from?”
The second bat replies, “Follow me. I’ll show you.”
After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, “You see that wall over there?”
The hungry bat excitedly says, “Yes!”
Other bat says, “I didn’t.”
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college student: “Why our son is so brilliant, every time we get an email from him we have to go dictionary.com.”
“You’re lucky,” the neighbor said. “Every time we get an email from our son in college, we have to go to the bank.”
I’ve found that growing up in the 60s was a lot more fun than being in my 60s.
A young man was sitting next to me in one of the two chairs provided for men outside the ladies fitting room in our local department store. After 30 minutes and 6 changes of outfits, the fellow’s wife came out of the changing room one more time. He looked at her and immediately said, “That looks great on you! Get that one.”
“Honey,” she replied, “this is what I was wearing when we came in.”
It’s been a strange day! First, I found a hat full of money on the sidewalk. Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar.