While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class almost 50 years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

“Yes,” he replied.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “In 1953.”

“Why, you were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, “What did you teach?”

One Liner

If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don’t swallow it whole.

The teacher noticed that Al had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention.

“Al,” she said, “If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I?

“Thirty-four,” Al answered unhesitatingly.

The teacher replied “Well, that’s not far from my actual age. Tell me…how did you guess?”

“Oh, there’s nothing to it,” Al said. “My big sister is seventeen and she’s only half-crazy.”

One Liner

I miss the 90s when bread was good for you and no one had heard of kale.

Lady (to her doctor): “What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.”

Doctor: “How come?”

Lady: “According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches.”

One Liner

Last night, I accidently superglued my thumb and my pointing finger together. I’ll be okay for a while.

A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks.  He asked why. The waiter said “Chopsticks are provided only on request.”  

“But,” the man countered, “if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn’t have to pay someone to wash all the forks.”

“True,” the waiter shot back, “but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess.”

One Liner

Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. Solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

One caller to our phone support service gave me his name, number and message and then said, “You know my name. What’s yours?”

“We’re not allowed to give our names,” I replied, “but my operator number is 4136”

Sounding disappointed, he said, “May I call you by your first digit or would that be too personal?”

One Liner
Do twins realize that at least one of them is unplanned?

A four-year-old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked in her ears, he asked, “Do you think I’ll find Big Bird in here?”

The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, “Do you think I’ll find the Cookie Monster down there?”

Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heartbeat, he asked, “Do you think I’ll hear Barney in there?”

“Oh, no!” the little girl replied. “Jesus is in my heart. Barney’s on my underpants.”

One Liner
Elections: Things that are held to see if the polls were right.