THE TOP TEN DINNER DISHES WHEN MOM’S AWAY AND DAD’S COOKING

10. Hot dogs with just a hint of Tabasco.

9. “Kids eat free” night at the steak house.

8. Pizza.

7. Broiled bologna benedict on rye.

6. Back-of-the-fridge goulash (with lots of pepper).

5. Chips and salsa.

4. Cocoa Puff surprise.

3. Something old, something blue, something frozen, call it stew.

2. Cold pizza.

1. Whatever’s cooking at Grandma’s.

One Liner

I got a job at the cable company and completed training so I could fix my own cable, which was faster than being on hold with customer service.

A DIET PRAYER

Lord, My soul is ripped with riot
incited by my wicked diet.
“We Are What We Eat,” said a wise old man!
and, Lord, if that’s true, I’m a garbage can.

I want to rise on Judgment Day, that’s plain!
but at my present weight, I’ll need a crane.
So grant me strength, that I may not fall
into the clutches of cholesterol.

May my flesh with carrot-curls be dated,
that my soul may be poly unsaturated
And show me the light, that I may bear witness
to the President’s Council on Physical Fitness.

And at oleomargarine I’ll never mutter,
for the road to Hell is spread with butter.
And cream is cursed; and cake is awful;
and Satan is hiding in every waffle.

Mephistopheles lurks in provolone;
the Devil is in each slice of baloney,
Beelzebub is a chocolate drop,
and Lucifer is a lollipop.

Give me this day my daily slice
but, cut it thin and toast it twice.
I beg upon my dimpled knees,
deliver me from jujubees.

And when my days of trial are done,
and my war with malted milk is won,
Let me stand with Heavenly throng,
In a shining robe–size 30 long.

I can do it Lord, If You’ll show to me,
the virtues of lettuce and celery.
If You’ll teach me the evil of mayonnaise,
of pasta a la Milannaise
potatoes a la Lyonnaise
and crisp-fried chicken from the South.

Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth.

One Liner

I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So, I threw him out. I hate visitors.

Researchers have recently discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had quite a few interesting relatives:

A grandfather that moved to Yugoslavia: U Gogh

A brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopen Gogh

A magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh

The aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh

A psychiatrist nephew: E. Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothes: Hue Gogh

A very obnoxious brother: Please Gogh

A sister with a small bladder: Gotta Gogh

A cousin that moved to Illinois: Chica Gogh

A niece that moved to Mexico: Ami Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh

A second cousin that drove a stagecoach: Wells Far Gogh

The bouncy nephew: Po Gogh

A birdwatching uncle: Flamin Gogh

A grand-niece that no one has heard from because she’s been traveling around the USA for years: Winnie Bay Gogh

One Liner

Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except me. I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.

Fresh out of seminary, a young pastor found an associate position at a prestigious church. One Sunday early on, he was given the opportunity to preach. He prepared diligently – perhaps a bit too excited to use all the learning he’d acquired – and worked hard to make his words eloquent and smooth.

Shaking hands at the end of the service, he was approached by one of the older ladies who was known and respected in both the church and community.

“Sir,” she said with a smile, “your sermon was like the peace of God!”

The young preacher’s grin widened and his chest puffed a bit … until she continued on, “it surpassed ALL understanding!”

One Liner

My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking.

HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining. The day is young. We’ve got our whole lives ahead of us. And you’re inside worrying about a stupid, burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. Not only that, but I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

Dachshund: I can’t reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. What are servants for?

Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.

Doberman Pinscher: While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there…

Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle…

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

One Liner

I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else about what comes out of my mouth.

A new skydiver and his instructor were high in the air when the student was getting ready to jump. Just before he was ready to leap his teacher gave him some final instructions.

“Listen carefully! You jump…count to 3…and pull your rip cord! If that doesn’t work, pull the cord on your reserve chute! There will be a truck down there to pick you up!”

The new skydiver took a deep breath and plunged into the open air. After free falling he counted to 3 and pulled his ripcord. Nothing happened. He pulled the cord on his reserve chute, and nothing happened. Totally disgusted, the skydiver said…

“DANG! I’ll bet that truck’s not down there either!”

One Liner
“Fixin’ to”: The state verb of Texas.

A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established barber.

They put up a big bold sign which read: “WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!”

Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign: “WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!”

One Liner
The inventor of autocorrect died. The funnel will be held tomato.

When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence unit. One day, a long form came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed it.

However, a few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read: “You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee. Please erase your initials and initial your erasure.”

So I did.

One Liner
In the office, don’t ask difficult questions after 4 pm on Friday.