FOR DADS…

I figured out why they call our language the “Mother Tongue.” Fathers never get a chance to use much of it.

Say what you will about healthy eating and all, but I’ve always found it awfully difficult to explain to my son (who’s 6’4″ to my 6′ in height), why junk food is bad for you.

One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father’s Day.  They put a cot in the kitchen.

If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father’s Day.  I mean, what do you get somebody who’s Everything?

I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar.  From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold.

One Liner
Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.

A little boy just couldn’t learn. One day his teacher asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence. He didn’t know. For almost a week she asked him the same question every day, but still he couldn’t come up with the right answer.

Finally, in desperation, she called the boy’s father to her office. “Your boy won’t tell me who signed the Declaration of Independence,” she complained.

“Come here, son, and sit down,” the dad said to the boy. “Now if you signed that crazy thing, just admit it so we can get out of here!”

One Liner
I don’t understand why people have to “get ready for bed.” I’m always ready for bed.

A little boy just couldn’t learn. One day his teacher asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence. He didn’t know. For almost a week she asked him the same question every day, but still he couldn’t come up with the right answer.

Finally, in desperation, she called the boy’s father to her office. “Your boy won’t tell me who signed the Declaration of Independence,” she complained.

“Come here, son, and sit down,” the dad said to the boy. “Now if you signed that crazy thing, just admit it so we can get out of here!”

One Liner

If you can’t find a lawyer who knows the law, find a lawyer who knows the judge.

A guy bought a new fridge. He put the old fridge in his front yard with a sign saying: “Free to good home, You want it — you take it.”   

For three days the fridge sat there. So he changed the sign to read: “Fridge for sale $50.”

The next day someone stole it.

One Liner
Did you hear the one about the woman who threw her toaster away because it kept burning the bread? She was black toast intolerant.

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.

“I’m an attorney,” the wincing man said, “and this is going to cost you five grand!”

“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry,” the concerned golfer replied. “But I did yell ‘fore.'”

“I’ll take it,” the attorney said.

One Liner
I think NASCAR would be much more exciting if, like in a skating rink, every 15 minutes someone announced it was time to reverse direction.

A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife: 

“You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.” 

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow”? 

“You mean you’re coming empty handed?”

One Liner

I went to a fish restaurant last night and ordered the Octopus. The waiter told me it takes 4 hours to cook. “Why”, I asked. He said “It’s because it keeps turning the gas off”.

A fellow took a new job in a hilly Eastern city. His commute was a tiring array of tunnels, bridges, and traffic jams. Thinking to make the trip more bearable, he invited some coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.

“Doc,” the frustrated commuter complained, “I’m fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I’m going to explode! What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?”

“No, no, no,” said the doctor. “This problem is actually quite common.”

“Tell me! What is it?”

“You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.”

One Liner

Being an adult: 1 star, would not recommend.

APRIL FOOLS DAY FUNNIES

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Noah. Noah who? Noah good April Fools’ joke?

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke for April Fools’ Day, but you didn’t like it.

What’s the difference between Thanksgiving and April 1st? On Thanksgiving, you’re grateful and on April 1st, you’re prankful.

Why were the monkeys pranking each other? It was the first of Ape-ril!

What would you name a research organization that was founded on April 1st? A Think Prank. 

I was going to tell you a pizza joke for April Fools’ Day, but it was too cheesy.

Why do hard-boiled eggs love April Fools’? They enjoy practical yolks.

Why don’t eggs tell April Fools’ jokes? They’d crack each other up.

One Liner

Q: Why is everyone so tired on April 1? A: Because they’ve just finished a 31-day March!