Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of dog food at Wal Mart. I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had – an elephant?

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to give it a try again. (I have to mention here that everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to scratch my fleas and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

Wal Mart won’t let me shop there anymore.

One Liner

Office attire was never Clark Kent’s strong suit.

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn’t know what Johnny’s problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel – they said, because it was bigger.

One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said, “Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don’t know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it’s bigger, or what?”

Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!”

One Liner

Nutritionists say that eating healthy involves filling your plate with bright colors: Greens, reds, yellows. So I had a bowl of M&Ms.

My 4-year-old granddaughter asked: “Where does poo come from?”

To make it simple, I said: “You just had breakfast?”

“Yes,” she replied.

“Well, the food goes in your mouth down into your tummy. Our body takes all the good stuff it needs out of the food and then what”s left goes down to your bottom – and when you go to the toilet, that comes out as poo.”

She looked confused and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds. Then she asked: “And Tigger?”

One Liner

To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my high school yearbook, I have some devastating news.

The bridge connecting Boston and Cambridge (Massachusetts) via Massachusetts Avenue is commonly know as the Harvard Bridge. When it was built, the state offered to name the bridge for the Cambridge school that could present the best claim for the honor.

Harvard submitted an essay detailing its contributions to education in America, concluding that it deserved the honor of having a bridge leading into Cambridge named for the institution.

MIT did a structural analysis of the bridge and found it so full of defects that they agreed that it should be named for Harvard.

One Liner

I’ve decided to buy my wife a used chess set for her birthday. I’ll be buying it at a pawn shop.

It may be time to diet & exercise if…

– you try to do a few pushups and discover that certain body parts refuse to leave the floor.

– your children look through your wedding album and want to know who Daddy’s first wife was.

– you get winded just saying the words “ten-kilometer run.”

– you come to the conclusion that, if God really wanted you to touch your toes each morning, He would have put them somewhere around your knees.

– you analyze your body honestly and decide what you should develop first is your sense of humor.

– you step on a talking scale and it says, “Come back when you’re alone.”

One Liner
My wife and I can’t count calories and have the bodies to prove it.

A salesman from a mortgage refinance company rang up a lady at home.

Salesman: “Do you have a second mortgage on your home?”

Lady: “No.”

Salesman: “Would you like to consolidate all your debts?”

Lady: “I really don’t have any.”

Salesman: “How about freeing up cash for home improvements?”

Lady: “I don’t need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash.”

… brief pause…

Salesman: “Are you looking for a husband?”

One Liner
There is a new dating service in Prague. It is called Czech-Mate.