Humor – June 2

KIDS SAY THE FUNNIEST THINGS

JACK (age 3) was watching his mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: “Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?”

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, “If you don’t remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.”

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. “I love you so much, that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.”

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: “How does it know it’s me?”

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. “Please don’t give me this juice again,” she said, “It makes my teeth cough.”

One Liner
Which animal do you never want to play cards with?  A cheetah

Thought for the day
Matthew 5:16 says, “Let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven” (ESV).

We were created because God wants a family. He wants to spend eternity with his family. He wants to spend eternity with you and me! Heaven is one of the most important reasons Christians can be joyful—God has given us eternal life, and heaven will be amazing!

Humor – June 1

He made this universe with a plan,
That you will do the impossible.
But if it is the plan, then how could it be impossible?
For you it is impossible.
For Him, anything is possible.
Okay, I am the one who must do it. How am I to do the impossible?
Because He is with you and within you.
Hiding.
Philippians 4:13

One Liner
God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

Thought for the day
Isaiah 60:10, “I will have mercy on you through my grace” (TLB).

Grace is when God gives you what you don’t deserve. Mercy is when God doesn’t give you what you do deserve. For all the ways you’ve sinned, failed, and made mistakes, you deserve punishment. Yet God pardons you and forgives you through Christ—that’s mercy.

Humor – May 29

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

“I’m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.”

“Of course,” replied the patient. “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth…”

One Liner
What do you call a fish with no eyes? fsh
What do you call a fish with 10 eyes?  f-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-sh

Thought for the day
“The LORD watches over all who love him” (Psalm 145:20 NIV).

When God fills you to overflowing, you never need to fear the future. His goodness and mercy are with you every day. You’re following the Good Shepherd, and he is out in front of you with his rod and staff.

Humor – May 28

Two guys were fishing on the river.

One catches the biggest catfish either one has ever seen. He says to his buddy, “We need to remember this spot so we can come back here again.”

His buddy pulls a pen out of his pocket and makes a big ‘X’ on the bottom of his boat. The first guy looks at his buddy, shaking his head in disgust. “Seriously? What if we bring different boat next time?”

One Liner
Better living through denial.

Thought for the day
Jesus did this in teaching his disciples. John 13:14-15 says, “Since I . . . have washed your feet, you ought to wash each other’s feet. I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you” (NLT). Your kids don’t want to hear a sermon. They want to see Jesus’ example in your life.

Humor – May 27

A young woman brought her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man. The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.

“So what are your plans?” the father asked the young man.

“I am a biblical scholar,” he replied.

“A biblical scholar, hmmm?” the father said. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?”

“I will study,” the young man replied, “and God will provide for us.”

“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asked the father.

“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replied, “God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asked the father. “How will you support children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replied the fiance.

The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.

Later, the mother asked, “How did it go, honey?”

The father answered, “He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I’m God.”

One Liner
When you try to show that something doesn’t work, it will.

Thought for the day
“Your attitude must be like my own, for I, the Messiah, did not come to be served, but to serve”  Matthew 20:28 TLB

It’s our nature to want to be served. I want to be served. I want people to wait on me. I want people to do things for me. Yet the mark of a Christian is the desire to serve. The Spirit of Christ is service and giving yourself away.