A traveler got to the airline counter and presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage she asked, “I’d like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London.”
The confused agent said, “I’m sorry, we can’t do that.”
“Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that because, that’s exactly what you did to my luggage last year!”
The truth is out there? Does anyone know the URL?
Customer: “Excuse me, but are you looking to hire any help at present?”
Manager: “No, we already have all the staff we need.”
Customer: “Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?”
The secret to success is sincerity and once you learn to fake it, you’ve got it made.
The supermarket near our house has an automatic mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle.
At this point I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle
Q: What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, “Is my wife here?”
His wife replies, “Yes, dear, I’m here, next to you.”
The man goes, “Are my children here?”
“Yes, Daddy, we are all here,” say the children.
“Are my other relatives also here?”
And they say, “Yes, we are all here…”
The man sits up and says, “Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?”
If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.
Last night I was telling my kids about Jesus calming the storm in Mark 4. I told them how Jesus and the disciples were all in a boat crossing a lake when a storm came up and threatened to sink the craft. Meanwhile, Jesus had fallen asleep in the stern.
So the disciples, fearing for their lives, went back and woke Jesus, hoping he could do something to save them. I said Jesus woke up and said “Quiet…”
To which my son interjected, “I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
If you replace “W” with “T” in “What, Where and When,, you get the answer to each of them.
Little Emily was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony. When it was over, she asked her mother, “Why did the lady change her mind?”
Her mother asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, she went down the aisle with one man and came back with another one.”
Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re
running around with other women,” she told her mate.
“Eve, honey, you’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You know you’re
the only woman on earth.”
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a
strange pain in his side. It was his darling Eve poking him rather
vigorously about the torso.
“What are you doing?” Adam demanded.
“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.
Can weather be clement?
Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, “Amen, Brother!”
When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, “Preach it Reverend!”
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, “Right on, Brother! Tell it like it is…Amen!”
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, “He’s quit preaching and now he’s just meddling!
It is no illusion that wide ties make the face look wider.