“My wife finally convinced me to sign something called a ‘living will’. This is a document which, in the event I find myself attached to a mechancial device, gives my wife the right to terminate my life.

“So yesterday I’m on the exercise bike…”

One Liner
“When a man marries a woman, they become one but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.”

Thought for the day
God wants us to worship Him. He doesn’t need us, for He couldn’t be a self-sufficient God and need anything or anybody, but He wants us. When Adam sinned it was not he who cried, “God, where art Thou?” It was God who cried, “Adam, where art thou?” – A.W. Tozer

My wife tells me that our children are referred to as “Digital Natives”since they will not remember a time in their lives prior to the internet, iPhones, touch screens, or wifi.

Confirming evidence: Yesterday my 4-year-old daughter went to throw something away in the trash can and found it to be too full. She approached me and said, “Daddy, you need to delete the trash.”

One Liner
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Thought for the day
Thank God in all things – No matter what happens, give thanks. The Bible doesn’t say, “For all things give thanks.” It says, “In all things give thanks.” You don’t have to be thankful for bad things in your life. You should never be thankful for evil. You don’t have to be thankful for cancer or a car accident or war or abuse. But God says in everything give thanks. Why? Because you know that God’s going to take care of you. You know he’s going to meet your needs. You know he’s going to help you

Ten Things A Cat Thinks About

Have you ever wondered what your furry feline was thinking about? Well wonder no more!

1. I could have sworn I heard the can opener.
2. Is there something I’m not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
3. Why doesn’t the government do something about dogs?
4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ulterior motives?
5. Hmmm… If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can’t we cats ever get these stupid dogs to do anything for us?
6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.
7. Hey — no kidding, I’m sure that’s the can opener.
8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn’t given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?
9. Why does God allow neutering?
10. If that really was the can opener, I’ll play finicky just to let them know who’s boss!

One Liner
Do NOT argue with a spouse who’s packing your parachute.

Thought for the day
“Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, ‘Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?’ And I said, ‘Here am I. Send me!’” (Isaiah 6:8 NIV)

Prior to God taking the initiative to cleanse Isaiah, the prophet felt overwhelmed and unprepared for any mission on God’s behalf.

After the cleansing, Isaiah is energized with a desire to serve God.

If you are a believer in Jesus Christ, God has done the work of preparing you for whatever task he will ask of you.

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. “In the last 15 races, I’ve won 8 of them!”

Another horse breaks in, “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!!”

“Oh that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve won 28!” says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. “I don’t mean to boast,” Says the greyhound, “but in my last 90 races, I’ve won 88 of them!”

The horses are clearly amazed. “Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. “A talking dog.”

One Liner
I won’t rise to the occasion, but I’ll slide over to it.

Thought for the day
“Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what the nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires ….” Romans 8:5-6 (NIV)

There is a battle going on inside you between your old, sinful nature and your new nature that comes from Christ. If you want to win this battle, you’re going to have to change the way you think.

Why? The way you think determines the way you feel, and the way you feel determines the way you act. If you act depressed, it’s because you feel depressed. And if you feel depressed, it’s because you’re thinking depressing thoughts. If you want to get out of that depression, or whatever issue you’re struggling with, you need to ask the Holy Spirit to give you better thoughts.

Satan gives you thoughts – they are temptation. And God gives you thoughts – they are inspiration. Which are you going to choose? Romans 8:6 says, “The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace” (NIV).

On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.

The husband said, “I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no ‘I’ in the word ‘marriage.'”

The wife said, “For my part, I have never corrected my husband’s spelling.”

One Liner

Bad spellers of the world, untie!

Thought for the day
The Bible says, “When you meet together, one person has a song, and another has a teaching. Another has a new truth from God. Another speaks in a different language …. The purpose of all these things should be to help the church grow ….” (1 Corinthians 14:26, NCV). Everybody should bring what they are good at to the table, because no one person is good at everything.

TEN REASONS GOD CREATED EVE

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because he knew men would never ask directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men don’t want to see what’s on television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on television.

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctors appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populpted there would have to be someone to bear them, because men would never be able to handle it.

4. As “Keeper of the Garden” Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The Scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, “It is not good for man to be alone.” He only ends up getting himself in trouble.

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, he stepped back, scratched his head and said, “I can do better than that.”

One Liner
My son is an honor student at the state correctional facility.

The Student Mind During Final Exams

Contents of The Student Mind During Final Exams

10% The prof. never covered this section!

10% Actual knowledge on the subject.

10% The Teaching Assistant is kinda cute!

10% I knew I should have read the book!

10% Soon this will all be behind me!

10% I hope the curve is really low!

10% PANIC ZONE!

10% Prayers for a flood, fire, tornado, hurricane, earthquake, etc…

10% Eeny, meeny, miny moe…

10% Summer break!

One Liner
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. – Phyllis Diller

Thought for the day
God is not the author of confusion” (1 Corinthians 14:33 NIV). So you wait and remain patient until you sense God’s peace.