After starting a new diet, I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery. 

But, this morning, I accidentally drove by the bakery and as I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies. 

I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, “Lord, it’s up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, please create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery.” 

And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was! 

God is good!

One Liner
Some people say that Išm superficial, but thatšs just on the surface.

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.

“Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.”

“Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked.

“Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!”

One Liner
Punctual people have nothing better to do.

A nursery school teacher was delivering a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.

“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.

“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”

A third child brought the argument to a close: “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.” 

One Liner
4 out of 3 people have problems with fractions.

Preparing my son for his first day of kindergarten, we were reviewing numbers and counting. Suddenly he asked, “What is the biggest number in the world?”

As briefly as possible, I tried to explain the concept of infinity. I thought I had done pretty well, but then he said, “Dad, what number comes just before infinity?” 

One Liner
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. 

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this: 

“Some parents,” she said, “tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.’ But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'”

One of the women spoke up immediately. “Does she cook?”

One Liner
Sometimes the garbage disposal gods demand the offering of a spoon.

A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor: “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

The congregation cried, “Amen!” 

“And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it in the river.” 

The congregation cried, “Amen!” 

“And if I had all the whiskey and the rum in the world, I’d take it all and throw it in the river.” 

And the congregation cried, “Amen!” 

After the sermon the preacher sat down. The deacon stood up: “For our closing hymn,” he announced, “let us turn to page 126 and sing, ‘We Shall Gather at the River.'”

One Liner
When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery? 

A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the impresario.

“I have the most unusual act,” he announces. “I’m sure it will amaze you.”

He climbs up to the high wire and jumps off! He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars upward, turns, and swoops back again. Finally, he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground.

The impresario says, “Is that all you’ve got? Bird impressions?” 

One Liner
The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, “Tell me about some of the people that were here last year.”

A DIETER’S PRAYER

Lord, grant me the strength that I may not fall Into the clutches of cholesterol.

At polyunsaturates, I’ll never mutter,

For the road to Hell is paved with butter.

And cake is cursed and cream is awful

And Satan is hiding in every waffle.

Beelzebub is a chocolate drop

And Lucifer is a lollipop.

Teach me the evils of hollandaise,

Of pasta and globs of mayonnaise.

And crisp fried chicken from the South — Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth. 

One Liner
To err is human, but it’s against company policy.