BIRTHDAZE

~ He looks like a million bucks…after taxes

~ She’s discovered the secret of perpetual youth…she lies about her age.

~ She’s been pressing 30 so long, it’s pleated.

~ When it comes to telling her age, she’s shy……..about 10 years shy.

~ She wouldn’t try so hard to conceal her age if her husband would act his.

~ I’ve stopped exercising…pushing 50 is enough exercise for me.

He’s so old….
..he knew the Big Dipper when it was just a drinking cup.
..he knew Baskin Robbins when he only had 2 flavors ..he just got a prospectus from an old-age home marked “Urgent”

One Liner
My wife and I have decided we don’t want any children – if anybody else does we can drop them off tomorrow

An old guy shows up at the Pearly Gates.

“Man,” he says to Saint Peter, “I was so busy when I was working, and even busier after I retired. Now it’s time for some much needed R and R.”

Saint Peter looks at him and says “Didn’t you hear? You have a new agenda!”

“Agenda?” says the man as he hurriedly rustles through his welcome packet. “Where is it?!”

Saint Peter smiles and says “Oh, it’s on the cloud now!”

[submitted by Doug and Cindy Wilkening]

One Liner
If you see somebody acting stupid — it might not be an act, it might be the real thing.

Everything is Wonderful

My face in the mirror
 Isn’t wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn’t dirty,
 The cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely
 And so does my lawn.
I think I might never
 Put my glasses back on.

One Liner
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 5 or 6 times, just to be sure.

A surgeon was invited to Thanksgiving dinner at a friend’s house.

The host deftly carved the turkey and said, “I’d make a pretty good surgeon, don’t you think?”

The surgeon replied: “Anybody can take it apart.  Let’s see you put it back together again.”

One Liner
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can’t be blamed on somebody else. 

A retired couple are sitting together at home, getting cuddly; he takes off his glasses & moves closer.

She: “Sweetie, without your glasses, you still look like that handsome young man I married.”

He: “Well, Honey, without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!” 

[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]

One Liner
Some people are like blisters. They don’t show up until the work is done. 

The flight attendant watched a passenger try to stuff his hopelessly overloaded bags into the overhead bin. Finally she informed him that he would have to check the oversize luggage.

“When I fly other airlines,” he said irritably, “I never have this problem!”

She smiled and said, “Sir, when you fly other airlines, I don’t have this problem either.”

One Liner
Caution: On diet. Hungry. May bite if provoked!!

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. 

His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!”

One Liner
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!